It starts so simply; a flush of heat to the head, an unforgiving reverberation in the ears, pounding like drums until I can hear the foundation of my brain begin to crack.

Then, just like that – it all goes black

And it’s like I had never been well and happiness was just a dream. Normalcy; what is that? I don’t remember now.

I haven't see sky for weeks
haven't felt the sun kiss my skin
or smelled the sweet summer grass

I miss my blue skies
and even more - I miss the stars
puncturing the sky so black
like little rips in the seam

I used to really live
but now,
I am just a non-person-
scaling the verge of death

I am desperate
for a break
for a way out
of my current existence
my cynically cyclical day-to-day

I dream of you
and the road
stretching out as far as the eye can see
nothing but skies for miles
I long to be there -
nowhere
anywhere but here

Do you know why the caged bird sings?
I do -
She sings because that is her only joy
wings clipped -
she can no longer fly
locked inside of her one foot space
close to the window
able to see
but never to experience
she sings because that is all she has left
her only gift -
her last effort towards a cold dark world
that cannot support her
that will not let her fly

I guess I shouldn't be surprised
shouldn't feel jolted,
or be standing here still - with shaking hands
It's been six years;
I knew somewhere deep,
down inside of myself
that this was coming

Does she know me?
Does she know anything at all?
I'm sure she doesn't - why would she?
You don't know me either;
never got the chance
you can't know someone - who pretends to be someone else
someone who lives in a world that they made up
inside of their own head
the kind of girl,
who believes her own lies

I remember how you left me
Do you?
Challenging my spirit
my experience
my very existence -
because you knew god better
than the girl who lived so close to death

Does your new bride know;
how you turned your back,
and left me behind
to clean up the mess you made?
to bury the dead alone
repressed so deep -
that it took years to dig up

No,
I'm sure she doesn't know at all.

It speaks to me,
comes in waves
following the moon

I can't always hear the words
but I know the voices
and I understand their meaning

There are different parts,
of depression
many different factors making one whole
one powerful,
clear truth

It speaks to me,
assuring me that it will always be there
as consistent as the rain
more inconsistent than the storm

I try to protect myself from it,
withdraw from the world
pull the covers up over my head
hibernate for the winter

but the madness just gets more clever
and my mind will always outsmart me
lingering in the dark,
with one hand outstretched
inviting me in with the poisonous apple
I will always fall for the trick
take a bite,
and let it take me down

I'm losing my ability to speak
soon, no one will be able to understand me
i'll be speaking gibberish
using slang that no one can place
reinventing english
until language is my own

I use the same words
but they never have the same meaning
I speak in circles until my head buzzes
and my mouth is too tired to move

I am a mute
and a soundbox
an animal -- only one of my kind
unable to communicate
with a single living soul

This isn't the first time,
I let go of you
only to bring you back in
I know I tease your heart
fill it with hope when you see me
drain it completely,
every time I go

This isn't the first time,
I've told you I loved you
crying wolf --
telling you a lie
that even I try to believe

but I don't love you
and I know I never will
but Boy, if I could...
and there I go again

I want to be alone,
In a home all my own
a place only I can go
with a porcelain tub
and a vault of red wine
little white picket fence
enclosing my perfect sanctuary
keeping all the bad out
letting only the good in

It was the weight of it,
which caused me to crumble
shook my tired hands loose
forced me to let go
until I laid there crushed,
flattened face first on the ground
too tired to move
too afraid to peel myself from the floor
and stretch my weary arms towards the sky

Where are you, God?
sit with me here
by the river bank
watch me wade in deep
and be taken by the current
washed out into the ocean
caught between the tides
the coming and going
the to and form
in, out, and away
bits of me dispersing through the water
until I am nothing at all

I breathe in deeply and shut my eyes
gripping tightly to reality
trying my best to stay present
until it passes
until the monster leaves me
I stay still, hiding beneath the covers
safely stable in my permanent cocoon
I will not break free from this -- become the butterfly
but I will survive it
even if I am not really living

I know,
where it hurt
when your life was taken
your heart, shattered into oblivion
left you unable to see
or, speak
or even exist at all

Since then,
you have been a doll
a barbie placed neatly,
in your dream house
wearing an apron and a perfect smile
withering beneath
the plastic exterior

I sit,
with your heart,
in my heart
and I know you're tired

Look within me
look through all of the soft spots,
sharp corners
study every space and piece

what do you see?

Do you see someone who loves --
or someone who hates?
Can you see my demons?
The pain and the shame?

Do you see yourself?

I am a woman
product of the white devil
proud to be reborn
to redefine,
reflect,
and repurpose myself
as a lover of God
and to see the light in every being

My eyes are bleeding
and my head is on fire
tossing and turning between the sheets

praying for resistance --
praying for mercy
screaming for Advil.

I lay awake and try to think of a time before I loved you,
try to imagine what it felt like
before your heart made a home inside of mine
and the whole of the universe came together

Closing my eyes,
I feel sad
for the girl I was then -- so long ago
but sometimes it feels like yesterday
and its lurking too close
for me to truly forget

Fate is always waiting for me to roll the die.

I am the wolf,
vicious, terrified, and unkind
softly licking my wounds
howling up high towards mother moon.

You saw her in your dreams
Black hair
Eyes as blue as shallow water
With a pink bow resting upon;
Her angelic, little head

You saw her before you knew what was real
You dreamed her before you ever knew the truth

She came into being years ago
When your heart grew hard
And your words fell silent
That’s when she was born

She watched you turn your head towards the sky
Filled with white, head loud with trains

She felt you let her go
But she never left you
Stayed and waited,
For the dust to settle
And your heart to open

Baby girl, looks up at you
And knows exactly where you’ve been
Chose to be with you
For nothing else;
But pure sweet love.

I can't stop
thinking about
the way you touch me
fingers, moving slowly
intentionally
across the small of my back

Your voice runs rampant
in my mind
moves through all
of the dark caves
and shady graves
bringing light to a cloudy day

It makes me feel good
inside of my body
from finger tips
to my toes
filling my body whole
with light that is
both bright and sound

Your tongue
caresses me gently
seeking and finding
all of the things I try to hide
I cannot wait
until you dip inside

I'm living under boxes again
surrounded by the reminder
that my life is so small
all of my things,
packed up neatly
and then sloppily
a perfect divide of attention

I only feel clear,
only when things are gone
and away from my fiending mind
I sit alone in my room
and feel a little more at home

The cat sits, too
on and around my lap
nuzzeling up against me sweetly
with out a care in the world

I'm moving again
to a new home
one with a bright, new beginning
sitting beneath a train,
with a half view of the smoggy city.

I feel like I lost myself so long ago
Moving through the motions
constant sound and chaos
makes it hard to separate
the parts of me that are still living
and the deep empty space

I've been alive without my body now,
for seven long years
consistently checking,
saving face
from the gazes and disgraces
of the deaf and dumb ones
who hold space on the street

I try
and I'm trying
to get back in
to feel the good flow throughout me
to disconnect from the pain
of original sin
But I get tired and lose focus
wavering back and forth
pretending to be joyful
even with an uneasy grin

Maybe I'll get there
when the noise settles and the sun moves in
I just need a still and simple moment
so that I can finally breathe
and feel like myself again

Deep down, I knew
That this is how our love
Would end,
But it wasn’t really love, was it?
No, you would never call it that

But isn’t that how it felt?
When you moved inside of
My sweet and simple sin
I opened my eyes just once
And saw you gazing back
I saw myself,
In our eye’s reflection

I don’t know how I got here
On the other, darker side
Of your heart
Just behind the brick wall
I keep scratching
But I’ll never get back in

We’re enemies now
We can’t get close
Without a heart breaking
Or our clenched fists shaking
Someone always has to lose

And baby I should’ve warned you,
That when you took my heart hostage,
You started more than a battle
And I know how to end a war

Sometimes words,
Don’t sound as good
As they did in your head
When you dreamed them up,
When you fought it out
Inside your own mind

Sometimes please,
Doesn’t come through as desperate
As it needed to be
When you said it with a dying breath

Sometimes love,
Doesn’t feel as good
As it does in the movies
The soundtrack never plays
At the perfect moments
And kisses can’t be returned

Sooner or later,
Sometimes becomes all the time
And always is a constant,
State of distrust and disbelief
You’re worked up and stressed out
And love bleeds you dry
Like a leech on the vein

I walk in time to the beat
of the city, and my pounding heart,
I'm fast, flashing
I get where I'm going
but still, I stand there confused

I wish you called me beautiful
It hurts, leaves an aching in my chest
whenever you see me
and look cooly away

It shouldn't hurt at all
to change, to grow and expand
into a perfect space
but still, there are always consequences
when you move
you can always lose things along the way

Our love got lost
somewhere, between loving and fighting
changing and folding
I wonder sometimes
how we got here

when I once had your heat.

He's new - but not like, "brand new"
so I guess really, he's old
been around for a while
sitting on my shelf,
looking pretty, waiting for his turn to play

He's not charming,
and he'd never bring me flowers
doesn't call me pretty - hates it even more,
when I ask him to
but he stays
and I guess staying is what I want him to do

He comes to me in dreams
'cause in the waking life, he's too busy
has no time for me
but he's there, waiting
sometimes I can feel him

Mama says I can't have it both ways
what I want only comes in movies,
or books, the kind with long haired lovers
staring longingly at each other,
a breathless all or nothing kind of love

No, that's not real
and fairytales are for girls
they can **** you fast,
or let you die slow
that's the modern kind of love

Shifting between dreaming and waking
I am hazy, in a violent fog
laying away from my body

I feel his hands on me
and I try,
to move away from his touch
Am I moving?
I can't tell
my body betrays me, keeps me still

His sticky hands move,
up my back and along my breast
his lips press tightly against mine
and I think, this is it
this is what they warned us about
the thing adults curl their smiles down for,
tear up for, but then don't say

There's a fire in my head, and it burning bright
but he can't see, can't hear me scream no
move, move **** it
but my legs aren't mine anymore

I hear him say my name, feel the bed move
beneath my lifeless weight
the tears come
he stops, rolls over

I stay awake until the rain comes
it hits my face, I keep my eyes shut
he's gone, and I let the fog carry me away

I love, you working at your desk
steadily typing, thinking precisely
answering logically, placing carefully

Your face is perfect
when it's stern and direct
you're making big decisions
creating wonder by hand

I love, you pulled in close
to my face and breast
curling in and stretching out
getting comfortable

Your body is perfect
when it's warm and near
constantly pulling me closer
when I'm there; available

Your heart makes mine whole
just because it's far, doesn't mean it's away
because I feel it
and I know it

I trace the lines of your body by hand
like an old map on my wall
It's always been there
but I'm just now noticing,
I'm just now tracing my steps.

I look into those eyes,
the brown ones,
the beautifuls ones,
staring back at me
making me human
making me whole
clean and complete

I slither into you
like a snake escaping eden
hoping to get piece
a little taste
of your righteous tongue

warm and rocking
I sleep against your belly
and let your breath take me
up and away
far into the in between
the greyish landscape
that hovers like fog
between right and wrong
love and hate

that's where I'll stay
and wait for you
to come up and inside
to move the mountains
which stand sturdy
and still within my chest

I loved him,
like a religion
his,
was the face of God
and I prayed to him
while I kissed his feet
worshipped him,
as the good Lord
but it was a demon,
that lived within

Days wetted by tears
screaming echoed through nightfall
I repented,
for my sins,
for what I had committed for him,
against myself
but there was no light there
and mercy was unfounded

Cut me open
and tear away my sins
here is my body,
the body, the blood
of your fallen angel
the twisted little soul
you claimed with your fist

I will be your lamb
so do with me as you wish
because my light, and love is gone now
it was taken by your cruel
poisonous kiss

My mood keeps changing
rising and falling with the tide
It leaves me cold and wet
lost and cofused
angry

I can't keep my fire controlled
the wind blows and it whips
down the hill
engulfing every tree in flames
It leaves me hot and scared
guilty and alone
empty

I can't keep the sun on my side
I keep losing my way
she shies away from the challenge
and so I live in the darkness
and it leaves me tired and helpless
hopeless and longing
isolated.

It's a beautiful day
to go outside
to smell fresh air
but you only cover;
your tired head from view

Why, baby girl
do you stay
inside your hole all day?

Come outside
and embrace the sun
or, rub elbows with the moon

Come and play my love
because I miss your sweet smile
it's been away too long

It was a pretty standard bench;
the same one in the catalogs
with golden lillies
engraved right into the plaque
on the back rest

But Oh, how I loved
to sit there for hours
just kicking my feet back
and forth
watching the cars go by

He sat there once too
beneath the moon
and under the oak trees
in all his galant glory
I was ashamed;
but he was beautiful

Sometimes when you speak,
I want to take all of your words,
pick them up from their place on the ground,
and shove them right back down your throat

Sometimes I wish,
you could see the damage
that those words cause
I wish you could see the faces,
hear the cries
of those you spit your hate at
more poisonous than an adder's bite

I want you to step into my shoes
feel how I feel
for just one day, I bet you won't like it
I'm sure you'd be appauled
at the things they say
when I'm minding my own business
whenever I'm walking alone

I look to you,
and I search your face
for something that connects us
something that makes us the same

but all I see is what you have
I look towards my empty basket
and realize there's nothing left for me

I know you bleed red, and cry clear
you've got room in that big empty heart
so let me come in, and rest my tired bones
let me share with you my feelings
my heart's relentless reeling
not for the sake of arguments or glory
just let me speak my truth,
it's time to listen to my story

I sit and wait,
in the place where you've placed me
in a house I built all by myself

I am living
in the inbetween
in between love and loss
in between life and death
in a world that's grey and still

I cannot pretend
that the sun is shining
or that the clouds will clear away
and make room for that blue, blue sky
maybe tomorrow, but no
not today

So I'll just wait
keep calm and pretty
like a doll upon a shelf
this is where I'll wait for you,
my love
this is how I'll play catch up
by sitting, never moving
never laying or leaving

I'll stay with your memories
and wait, until you come back to claim them
that is where I'll be
sitting atop my shelf, clinging
to things that once were.

I didn't think
you're right you didn't think
it would be this hard, is it supposed to be this hard?
I told you it would be hard

but I didn't think,
didn't listen to your words,
always wiser than mine,
somehow even when you
have no idea where I am or what I'm thinking
you're still right

Girl,
take off your mother's shoes
and lay down her pearls
put them back in her closet
behind the wedding dress
because there's no time now,
to live in the past

Woman,
is what you've become
who you've grown to be
do not be afraid of it
let power and purpose fill you
until your full enough to burst

Sister,
you are now,
and always have been
a woman falling freely
subjected to a mind
deceitful and cunning
and conditioned to destroy

don't lose hope now, pride will break your fall
and when you've reached the bottom, look up
there will still be sun on your side

I tread lightly
on the cusp,
of our budding summer love
because I know all to well
that humidity can make the ground soft
and crumbling down
will come our foundation

I touch softly,
your head to my head
laying closely, legs intertwined
as we soak in the heat
and pray for the rain
to come make us clean

I'm not usually this hesitant,
slow to move into an embrace
but this love
can catch on fire
and burn up fast the heartless stand I take
the post I protect,
wearily and without consent
it could burn up so sweetly
all the sharp corners and dreary dark spaces
that come in between us
and keep our hearts apart

Maybe, I'm not ready for all that
but that old fan keeps blowing
making me sneeze and shiver
and I do know one thing to be true,
depsite the wreckless heed of flames and fire
You've always done your best,
to keep me safe, warm, and away from the burn

Please stop,
sneaking into my dreams
leaving your memory in my mind
and reminding my heart
of what love was;
before I lost it

I need you,
to leave me alone
and stop your incessant lingering
you need to move out,
of the back of my mind
and take with you,
all of your kind words
and your gentlest kisses

I want you to come back
and be mine again,
hold my hand
and my hips,
and me
just a little longer
until I feel safe

I know the distance
is too far to cross
your away and awakened
by someone else's sweet embrace
so you need to leave

my heart,
is no longer your home

Sometimes,
I wish that I wasn't such a mess
I wish,
that I could hold it together
all the time
and do it well,
just like the others

Mama tells me,
that my bag's too heavy
for me to carry on my own
and that's why,
I'm always falling down
or,
breaking down and spilling out

Some days are good,
it doesn't always rain on my house
Sometimes,
I can see the sun
as it peaks it's head above the far grass
and pours gentle light
through my yard

of course when it rains,
it often pours
but we all know,
how that old saying goes

Usually,
it rains for days
and it rarely lets up
no light comes in
just thunder and floods
one day,
I'll probably drown
but,
for now it's okay.

Just give in,
let it go
surrender it all
you know, it's too heavy anyways
your arms will break
and your back with ache
in time,
it will swallow you whole

So just open your,
stubborn, clenched fists
lost and rotting
recover your heart
dust it off and give it a shine
because the day's too long
for weeping
and screaming
and this will all be over soon,
it will be quick and painless

Just be free
turn your *****, twisted face
to the sun and to the sky
and smile, because it's been too long
but I know your face,
hasn't forgotten how,
the wind and rain,
will wash it clean
and push you forward,
let the forces guide you home
it won't be long now

Doesn't feel good, girl?
to give it all up
to stop fighting and lay
your guns down
on the filthy sodden ground
let them disolve
into the mud,
into nothingness
you won't need them anymore.

I need something,
to get me through
to help me up and over
this little bump
once so small,
but now seems so big
to me,
but I've always been little

I need some time,
to remember who
I am, and who
I need to become
to breathe fresh air
and fill my lungs,
as deeply as I need to,
to breathe it all in
for as long as I have to

I'm looking for a break,
a point between
the mountains and valleys
where the excitement lulls
and time slows,
only for a moment
a small window of shallow bliss
that's all I need

But my watch won't stop ticking
and time is always trying,
to explain itself to me
reasoning with sun up and sun down
is endless and worthless
they say it stops for no one
how foolish,
that I believed it would pause
for me.