When did it all become so real?
This life
And every sharp
Biting
Steely speck of pain

I wish I couldn’t feel it
or understand the weight of it
I wish I were immune
Like so many others
But, what a dream

It felt so real
Like we were really together
And I was actually holding
Your small warm body
Against mine
And you were really happy
And safe
And I loved it
I was grateful
As I rocked you in my arms
Soldier stance
A warrior for you
my love
Vowing to always keep you safe
In my arms and away from pain

I was a half
And you were a half
And together we made a whole
Something so beautiful
So complete
That it sent my heart flying
And my body buzzing in celebration

Not even he mattered anymore
It was only you
And it was only I
Our love was the only love
But then morning came
And ripped you from my arms

Goodbye my baby
My love and my only
It is time for you to leave me
It is time for me to wake up alone
And feel the emptiness in my heart
And the burning in my burning chest
Where you once lay your sweet face.

His is a face I used to know
One I used to touch,
paint with light,
place my mouth and tongue over
and cover with pure love

Once I obsessed over that face
I saw it every time I closed my eyes,
it made sleep all I wanted
Night time was the best time,
because it was consumed by him

His was the one in the moon
Same cool smirk and wandering eyes
He pulled me in
I was his ocean, and the tide was always high

Now he's a mirage,
just a small piece of what I was
A single square of my life's puzzle
because his face is different now,
a little healthier,
a little less worry,
now that I'm not around,
ever since I let him go

His face fades a little more everyday,
continuously becoming less real,
just a dream within a dream,
a fragment of my imagination

Soon he'll be gone
and that face,
the one I loved so tenderly,
will leave my moon alone,
to fill another sky

It starts simply
A rush in your chest
A clean clear smile on your face
The beginning of a new day
The first good day
The best day

Sunny and full of life
Take advantage of that big sky
Open your arms to it
Breath it all in
Let it fill your lungs

Endless life is endless
Live like the birds do
Flying and singing,
they dance with the clouds

Feel it and carry it with you
Wherever you go
Wherever the road ends
In the place you go to get lost
Wherever you find yourself
You are not alone

Always and forever
You will have sun, moon, and sky
Pack your bags and they will follow
On two feet, walk or run

All God is, is all God ever was
It is in you,
palpitating in your chest
Putting the blue in the sky
The face in the moon
And the light in the sun

He never calls me baby,
but that's alright, I always leave his cradle
before darkness becomes daylight.

You're my New York,
you know,
my somewhere over the rainbow
Where it never rains
and the clouds can never get me
Where it's always sunny
and the grass is always greener

You're my loud city streets,
with all of the honking and moving,
never stopping, always laughing

I love the noise
and the life you give me
You free me
and I let you fly

I love to watch your wings spread
As you soar through the sky
You are every kind of beautiful

My sister,
my mother,
my lover,
and my friend

We started from the same place,
you and I
Our souls are from,
the same seed,
that grew into a tree

A Beautiful tree,
tall and flowering,
and it always smells,
like sweet perfume
It's leaves never fall
and it will never die

It was the weight of it
Which made me wander
Into the shadowy
Starry
Menacing unknown

The depth of it
Flowed on
And on
And I followed it
In stride

It was wide
So immense
That I could not cross it
Not alone
Not with my small body

But it was
And it is
Coming
Pouring
Protruding from me
And my tiny
Womanly
Little frame

You stepped in, you stepped out
but I didn't think it would end
not, this way
not in a way, that makes us enemies
makes me good and you evil
tears me apart
but leaves you
unscathed

But you weren't ready,
for a love like mine
your hollow bones couldn't bare the weight
of my heavy hardened heart
so you fled
and left me abandonded

Alone again,
I'm left trying to turn back the clock
on a love that was forgotten
while I wade patiently,
in a mess I made all on my own

I need something,
to get me through
to help me up and over
this little bump
once so small,
but now seems so big
to me,
but I've always been little

I need some time,
to remember who
I am, and who
I need to become
to breathe fresh air
and fill my lungs,
as deeply as I need to,
to breathe it all in
for as long as I have to

I'm looking for a break,
a point between
the mountains and valleys
where the excitement lulls
and time slows,
only for a moment
a small window of shallow bliss
that's all I need

But my watch won't stop ticking
and time is always trying,
to explain itself to me
reasoning with sun up and sun down
is endless and worthless
they say it stops for no one
how foolish,
that I believed it would pause
for me.

And then the rain came down
Quietly, slowly
Dripping from my head
to the tip of my nose
and then down to my feet

The rain comes
only when the sky is smiling
and the night begins to stretch
it's long arms towards the sun
to smother it with darkness
Because its time to say goodnight

The rain will come
whenever you're not ready
when you can handle it the least
that's when it will hit

The clouds will roll in
and you'll be away
from home
from God and all things good

Don't let it drown you little one
keep breathing
and turn your face towards the sky

Remeber,
it was a year ago today
that I let you go.

Are you still around?
Still there to hear my call?
Maddening and still
I wait.

Incase you're somewhere out there
listening to my voice
I just wanted to say,
thank you little one
for giving me strength and allowing me to love

Your lack of existence
was something bigger
than imaginery
more real than reality
it moved mountains inside me
created oceans
caused thunder

You taught me
to love me
because I was worth it
and deserved it
when I asked "why"
You said "why not"

I am desperate
for a break
for a way out
of my current existence
my cynically cyclical day-to-day

I dream of you
and the road
stretching out as far as the eye can see
nothing but skies for miles
I long to be there -
nowhere
anywhere but here

I fell asleep at noon
To that good ole’ familiar tune
To the cicadas
Buzzing and humming
Down by the bayou

I know today is gonna be the day
That the good lord coming to take me away
Jesus, he gonna come down and save me
He gonna come down and set my soul free

To the cicadas
Buzzing and hummning
Down by the bayou

I fell asleep in the hot sun
With the air around me sticky and sweet
I hear those boys comin’ with that gun
But I’m just too tired to get on ma feet

I know today is gonna be the day
That the good lord coming to take me away
Jesus, he gonna come down and save me
He gonna come down and set my soul free

I was lulled to sleep by that seductive song
It was soft and dreamy
And I was humming along
Down by the water moving slow
On the banks of the bayou
Don’t no one gotta know

That today’s the day when good God
Coming to take me away
Yeah today’s the day Jesus coming to save my soul
Praise the heavens he’s gonna turn it from black
To shiny gold.

I guess I've been trying my best,
to avoid this
to keep the beast from waking
and to stop the noise,
before it gets too loud

But it's coming,
just like it always does
and I can't hide from it now.

No, spring
won't come soon enough
to save me from the winter's wind
and its deafening chill.

My heart beats for only you
How far this is from the truth
Not you, but the you I created in my head
Through careful thought and imagination

Your touch
Smile
And Whisper
But a soul I placed within
A shell of you
With something beautiful I slipped inside
Not really you at all

A being that looks like you
But thinks like me
And loves like something awesome
Pure, clean, and perfect

Something I obsess over
Want with the whole of me
I thrive for
Yearn for
I AM for
A thing I can never have
Because it never existed

Loving and adoring
Perfect soul for soul
Greatest God of God
Ever and forever the person that I want
A you that is not you

You saw her in your dreams
Black hair
Eyes as blue as shallow water
With a pink bow resting upon;
Her angelic, little head

You saw her before you knew what was real
You dreamed her before you ever knew the truth

She came into being years ago
When your heart grew hard
And your words fell silent
That’s when she was born

She watched you turn your head towards the sky
Filled with white, head loud with trains

She felt you let her go
But she never left you
Stayed and waited,
For the dust to settle
And your heart to open

Baby girl, looks up at you
And knows exactly where you’ve been
Chose to be with you
For nothing else;
But pure sweet love.

It was a pretty standard bench;
the same one in the catalogs
with golden lillies
engraved right into the plaque
on the back rest

But Oh, how I loved
to sit there for hours
just kicking my feet back
and forth
watching the cars go by

He sat there once too
beneath the moon
and under the oak trees
in all his galant glory
I was ashamed;
but he was beautiful

As day fades to night,
I dream of your sweet nectar
Pinks and oranges,
from the sun's heavenly glow
It changes eloquently into deep,
deep purples,
like a fresh bruise
Clean and round on my backside,
from a drunken fall,
and too many laughs,
that were red and yellow
and full of life

You're the face in my sleepy moon,
that hangs clumsily in the sky
and dances with the stars

The cicadas sing me to sleep
and their buzzing rises up,
from the cool moist earth,
to join the warm night air

Laying still on the cool grass,
brings the fire flies near
and I laugh with them,
as you whisper in my ear
and start the storm between my legs

Those hot summer nights,
keep me smiling
and restore me to life

But I was there
You can’t tear the truth from my hands
My fingers will hold on
Gripping and clenching in vein
Because I was there
And my actuality can’t be stolen from me

Sorry mom
Sorry dad
But I have to tell my tale
I can’t pretend that I’m whole any longer
I am no lady in white
My testimonios must be told

Don’t call me crazy
Don’t hold me down
Because I was present the entire time
No one can fight my facts
Because they lay not in my body
They felt not the breath on my neck
They’ll never know my pain

It’s funny how men will try and convince you
That you’re not real
As if you’re part of their imagination
That they created
And birthed all on their own
Is that why they try and destroy us?
Hold us down and tell us
That we don’t deserve the world
Or life
Love
And breath

My eyes are bleeding
and my head is on fire
tossing and turning between the sheets

praying for resistance --
praying for mercy
screaming for Advil.

If looks could ****,
then baby I'd **** you first
I'd shoot you down
and make you bleed
because I hate you,
with everything I am
with every shaking little piece of my body

You seem to think,
that you are made from something great
that your opinion,
is the only opinion
and that your story,
is the only one to be told

But I can see through clouds
I have the gift
and I can lift the veil
I'm not blinded by my ignorance
Instead I learn from it

You've got power now, baby
but it will quickly fade
believe me true
I control the tide
and the waves
and the rain
I'll put out your fire

I'm sorry baby,
to break the news
that one day the sun will burn out
the sky will turn angry
and the lions will roar
that's when I'll take over
that's when my soul will soar.

Do you know why the caged bird sings?
I do -
She sings because that is her only joy
wings clipped -
she can no longer fly
locked inside of her one foot space
close to the window
able to see
but never to experience
she sings because that is all she has left
her only gift -
her last effort towards a cold dark world
that cannot support her
that will not let her fly

Are you okay?
Yes, yes I'm fine, just fine.
Are your doors locked?
Windows closed?
Are you safe?
Yes, yes I'm fine
Everything's alright

You sound different,
are you stressed?
Cold or tired?
Depressed?
Good God!
Sick?

Are you coming down with fever?
The flu is running rampant!
It's dangerous, you know
No, no, I'm fine!
I promise I'm fine!

How's the area?
Poor? Rich?
White? Black?
Is it safe?
Is your phone on?
911 on speed dial?
No, no, I'm safe I'm fine!

It's one week
I'll call you tomorrow
Call before
Or if anything happens
I want to be the first to know.

I walk in time to the beat
of the city, and my pounding heart,
I'm fast, flashing
I get where I'm going
but still, I stand there confused

I wish you called me beautiful
It hurts, leaves an aching in my chest
whenever you see me
and look cooly away

It shouldn't hurt at all
to change, to grow and expand
into a perfect space
but still, there are always consequences
when you move
you can always lose things along the way

Our love got lost
somewhere, between loving and fighting
changing and folding
I wonder sometimes
how we got here

when I once had your heat.

I feel like I lost myself so long ago
Moving through the motions
constant sound and chaos
makes it hard to separate
the parts of me that are still living
and the deep empty space

I've been alive without my body now,
for seven long years
consistently checking,
saving face
from the gazes and disgraces
of the deaf and dumb ones
who hold space on the street

I try
and I'm trying
to get back in
to feel the good flow throughout me
to disconnect from the pain
of original sin
But I get tired and lose focus
wavering back and forth
pretending to be joyful
even with an uneasy grin

Maybe I'll get there
when the noise settles and the sun moves in
I just need a still and simple moment
so that I can finally breathe
and feel like myself again

Look within me
look through all of the soft spots,
sharp corners
study every space and piece

what do you see?

Do you see someone who loves --
or someone who hates?
Can you see my demons?
The pain and the shame?

Do you see yourself?

I am a woman
product of the white devil
proud to be reborn
to redefine,
reflect,
and repurpose myself
as a lover of God
and to see the light in every being

I fell in love with a man,
who had skin,
that was shiny and dark like copper
In one false swoop,
I fell and became his

My copper man has eyes,
that are as black as a moonless night
He smells of sweet musk
and as I breathe in his breath,
I wonder,
how did I survive,
with out this warm earth?
Have I only begun to breathe?

I fell in love with a copper man,
whose black hair dances with mine
Copper man is my morning dove
and my evening crow
He is a wise owl,
hooing me to sleep

I fell in love with a copper man
and he moves through me like rain,
whispers to me like the wind
He makes the sky
and moves the clouds
He keeps the stars shining

But I created the ocean
and I alone,
can keep the waves crashing
and drown the sailors,
who dare,
to get lost in me

It speaks to me,
comes in waves
following the moon

I can't always hear the words
but I know the voices
and I understand their meaning

There are different parts,
of depression
many different factors making one whole
one powerful,
clear truth

It speaks to me,
assuring me that it will always be there
as consistent as the rain
more inconsistent than the storm

I try to protect myself from it,
withdraw from the world
pull the covers up over my head
hibernate for the winter

but the madness just gets more clever
and my mind will always outsmart me
lingering in the dark,
with one hand outstretched
inviting me in with the poisonous apple
I will always fall for the trick
take a bite,
and let it take me down

Listen as they howl
With the sirens
And at the sky

Screeching
Bleeding
Yearning
And burning
All for the blood red moon
Like a prayer to God
Like a cry for mama

Listen as they weep
And pine
And ache in relentless agony
All for hope
For some kind of sign
A chill in the night
Or a smile from a star

Watch as they turn themselves
Inside out
In grief and shame
Dirtiness so deep
Even their souls must be hosed down

Watch as they crumble
And become so small
That they are now the earth
A patch of dirt for us to walk over
And smush down with our feet
Like they were never there at all

The souls of the ******
The sleepless coyotes
And the hounds of hell
Wail for me
And beg to take me down
Past the river banks
And deeper than the sea
To a no man’s land
And the place which carries no name.

I sit and wait,
in the place where you've placed me
in a house I built all by myself

I am living
in the inbetween
in between love and loss
in between life and death
in a world that's grey and still

I cannot pretend
that the sun is shining
or that the clouds will clear away
and make room for that blue, blue sky
maybe tomorrow, but no
not today

So I'll just wait
keep calm and pretty
like a doll upon a shelf
this is where I'll wait for you,
my love
this is how I'll play catch up
by sitting, never moving
never laying or leaving

I'll stay with your memories
and wait, until you come back to claim them
that is where I'll be
sitting atop my shelf, clinging
to things that once were.

The world is alive tonight
Colored signs are illuminated
Streetlights are on fire
The stars are all out to play

Let’s get lost in this blissful world
Where everything is happy
And everything tastes sweet
I want to scream in the backseat
Until my voice gives out
Stick my hand out the window
And wave to the world
Watching it sway in the wind
Before bringing it back

I am in love tonight
Not with a man
Not with a woman
But with life
With laughter
As loud as thunder
With hands up
*** out
Wild dancing
With everything good
And with everything I have

The world is on fire tonight
So let’s live it up
While it’s burning down

I am a dog with her head out the window
Wind in my fur
Tongue flapping
Happy to be alive

I still think of you,
sometimes late into the night,
eyes wide awake and body aching,
pulsating and confused
Perpetual shifting,
tossing and turning

Staring at my clock,
waiting on my phone,
I lay in silence and shut my eyes tight,
until they're little slits

Avoiding thoughts of you is despairing,
because you make my dreams golden,
it's a euphoric escape

Rolling over,
pretending to sleep
I conjure up your image
and call you to my bed,
to my despondent embrace

The daylight sobers,
and puts my mind at ease
You are easy to forget here,
but when the moon beams into my window,
that's when I'll miss you,
that's when the real darkness will come

I read the page before me and I stopped,
Breathing, thinking, even being
For a moment
I put it down and paced,
Back and forth in my room
Swallowing back tears
I sit with hand over mouth

These stories cannot be true,
And this cannot be history
No,
No,
No,
I plead with what has already become,
Do not let this horror be real

Women and children
All shapes and all sizes
With different histories
Colors,
Mothers and fathers
Beaten ******
*****, tortured, and humiliated
Left to die
By not just one,
But many men

I would
Lay down in the street,
And die like a dog
To stop these hearts from breaking
And their bruised legs from shaking
I would scream out in desperation
And seek revenge on the devil
To protect the victims
Because I am a victim,
And to raise up the little voices,
Because I too once had a little voice

I would make them sorry
For what they did
And the fear they caused
To the small ones
And the vulnerable ones

I would bleed out every drop of blood
Hold the weak and the trembling
Fight until breath
Could no longer fill my lungs
To end it
And I will

Oh, what a fool I was,
to believe in fairytales
and happily ever afters

Oh, how terribly naive
to let you back in
through the revolving door,
such an easy way out

I guess I should've known you were lying
when you told me you cared
and looked away,
blinking twice
even your body
refused a lie so bold

I should have been weary
of that glassy stare
knowing all the while
that as you held me
you weren't really there

But oh darling, I was just a girl
in love with a boy
whose heart was cold and broken
and bred to destroy.

I like your smile
You know, the one
The smile you let loose
When you're feeling mischievous
When you're truly happy

Your eyes shine and glisten
So beautiful
So elegant

I wish you knew
I wish you could see it
Instead of standing in front of your mirror
Slouching and empty
Hating what he stole

I love it when you laugh,
scream and dance around
Like something wild and alive
Girl it's divine how fast you drink it down
Yell with out apologies

You say, do, feel
whatever you want to
Dancing stupidly and love,
with full heart
Don't lose it girl
All that greatness that you are
Will always be needed in a world like this

Lay your golden hair over me
Let my legs become one with your locks

Look me in the eyes, girl
Past my walls and through my soul
And tell me that you're okay today

No storms on the horizon
Your mind is clear and bright
Let me paint a smile on your face

Today we'll cover our bodies with sun
We'll let all healing light in
Feel it swimming through our veins
We don't have to talk at all

I can see it in your eyes
In the fluidity of your movements
I don't need it whispered
Or screamed
I just know.

Let's take a drive girl
Just you and me
Get in the car, let's go!

Let's live life today
Live the way we want to
Let's follow dusty roads
Passed trees and fields and farms

Let's see something real
Tangible, something we can feel
Let's breathe in country air
Smoke cigarettes and sing loudly

I'll drive, be my co-pilot
We'll go somewhere and that's nowhere
A place we've never been
Let's live life today

I want to feel alive
I want to feel things
Real things
The blood rushing through my veins
I need to feel human again

Let's drive fast and get away
Drive far like we have somewhere to go
Laugh like big clouds
Smile like sky
Red car rumbling like my heart.

It's cold out
and the snow is falling fast
But when I look at you,
I feel warm,
really warm

I like your long hair, girl
You're pretty,
a princess
and oh, those big white teeth

You're smile is big, girl
Like the sun,
like beauty herself

I know it gets hard,
when you want to run fast,
when you need to move far,
away from the fears that bind you,
from the hate that surrounds you

You'll be okay, girl
You're stronger than you know
What you've got in you,
could move mountains,
crack lightning
and make waves

I've seen it, girl
Earth and sky came together,
to form a woman like you
Just like the hawk that sits on your fence,
basking in big sun,
unaffected by the sound

You don't take my breath away,
you rip it from my lungs.
Again,
and again.

You don't tell the truth,
you spin stories of deceit.
You lie,
and lie,
and ******* lie.

Over and over,
crimson and clover,
but we won't dance to this song.

You don't play pretend,
you change completely,
to become someone new.
Ravenous and unwilling,
to ask for help,
or let it go.
Just let it go

You are not my sister.
You are but her shell
with a demon soul
that quietly slithered in
and you won't let her go
just let her go

And the moods
and the manias
they'll just keep cycling through.
Over and over,
crimson and clover,

But I refuse to sing this song with you
because I'm letting you go
I'm just letting *you go

I love the way you smile
Full and bright with squinty eyes

The way you toss,
your crimson hair girl
Makes me proud to be a woman

You rattle and shake me
We laugh together on your porch
Bright sun and green grass
Like your eyes, but not as bright

Your car goes fast girl
Red, chili pepper red
Hot like your bite
Like your pride
Loud and spicy like your laugh

You're free girl
Big smiles as you spin in fast circles,
in your front yard on this heavy summer's day
Sometimes your eyes are blue,
like big sky flying
But I like them green.

It's a beautiful day
to go outside
to smell fresh air
but you only cover;
your tired head from view

Why, baby girl
do you stay
inside your hole all day?

Come outside
and embrace the sun
or, rub elbows with the moon

Come and play my love
because I miss your sweet smile
it's been away too long

Sometimes when you speak,
I want to take all of your words,
pick them up from their place on the ground,
and shove them right back down your throat

Sometimes I wish,
you could see the damage
that those words cause
I wish you could see the faces,
hear the cries
of those you spit your hate at
more poisonous than an adder's bite

I want you to step into my shoes
feel how I feel
for just one day, I bet you won't like it
I'm sure you'd be appauled
at the things they say
when I'm minding my own business
whenever I'm walking alone

I look to you,
and I search your face
for something that connects us
something that makes us the same

but all I see is what you have
I look towards my empty basket
and realize there's nothing left for me

I know you bleed red, and cry clear
you've got room in that big empty heart
so let me come in, and rest my tired bones
let me share with you my feelings
my heart's relentless reeling
not for the sake of arguments or glory
just let me speak my truth,
it's time to listen to my story