I always carried the pain with me ever since
From broken furniture thrown by a screaming man
From promises wept by a shattered woman

I always carried the pain with me ever since
Because I never really knew what love looked like
I can only hear curses and threats
See only half-hearted embraces and silver edged kisses
It didn’t feel good to look at them
Those broken trusts and heavy hearts
It didn’t feel good to not know what love looked like
I felt afraid

I thought I had it once
Though his hand in mine didn’t fit
His grips got tighter when he found my waist
And I was put down too often
I thought I had it once
But his eyes roamed like a cat
On another woman’s body
And tasted lips like beer bottles
It didn’t have to look like love
Because it didn’t feel like love
I felt afraid

I felt lost against all the lights
I felt lost against his words
Of “Never Will I”
And I found you
You looked like trouble
You were going to pose me like a trophy
Just like the other boys with lion eyes
And I was going to let you
Because I never really crowned myself
But then I sang to you my sad song
And you didn’t pose me like a trophy
You posed me like a muse
And I felt afraid

Your lion eyes went away
And blossomed into suns
With the warmest colors
But I cried a lot and had a lot of nightmares
You always ran to my side
Whenever I called your name
I hurt your heart more than twice
You went away
And I felt afraid

I wanted to heal you
Even if I wasn’t all healed myself
From thorns in my heart
And choked screams in my sore throat
I wanted to heal you
And you let me

Your arms around me always felt like towers
Protecting me
I was your muse
You became my strength
Your words lit me to flames
And the aching I carried seemed to go away
I felt afraid
Because the agony was all I’ve ever known
I felt afraid
Could this be the love they say?

I felt afraid
One night the fear came back
With hotter flames and it burned me deeply
I tried washing it away, but not with water
I cried a lot and felt like a nightmare
Your lion eyes came back
And I felt afraid
You saw me as a wreck and not your muse
I sang you my sad song
And you built your arms around me once again
Quelling the flames

Although from self-hate, they still ember
And they hurt as smoke flows through my eyes
It fanned a demon
And it broke down your arms
I broke you again
To a point that you don’t believe
Much of my sad songs anymore
And I felt afraid

I want to sing a song once more
But the melody gets clogged on cries
So I’ll just tell you a little story
Of a little girl that never knew the face of Love
She was posed as a trophy for her pretty face
But never for her thorn heart
She felt afraid to anyone who exposed their heart to her
Fearing to only send curses and broken furniture
Because that’s all she’s ever known
But this time, she’ll strip for you
The insecurities, doubts and pain that was wrapped around her
Just so she could unmask you purely
Let the lion eyes roll back
See the face of Love
And never have to feel afraid ever again

I.


Her name was Anne
She had pretty eyes
One morning
She was not able to open them
When liquor shined in her throat
And chased after the pills

II.

I never got his name
But I heard he planted
A shell inside of his head
Pushing his thoughts and dreams aside
To make more room for itself (to grow)
Until they spilled red on his pillow case

III.

Her name was Lily
She was expected to become
Everything and perfect
But the pressure around her neck
Was tighter
Than the ones on her shoulders

IV.

Her name sounded like a constellation
You see on a summer night
She dipped herself into the ocean
And pretended
That she was a mermaid
She pretended
That she didn’t have an angry father
She pretended
That she didn’t have a crying mother
She took a gulp of the ocean
And the ocean
Rose and swallowed her

If only I could have you on me,
Like the clothes on my back
Have you closer to my skin,
Enough to find out each inch
Had a name of it’s own
You can be the cold that always have my bones
Shivering
And my teeth chattering
And every inch of my skin
Feeling bothered
But it makes me
Grin wider

I am enveloped by your warmth
Beating the sun’s eternal rays
A wondrous exposure of enthralling captivity
By the stellar beams of your embrace

Digits intertwined like wires
In a rocketship’s engine with
Pressure locked softly in our hold
Like gravitational glue of touch

You say,
“You are celestial”
And my lungs had blown up
An influx of blood
Travel to the lining of my face
When your mouth broke into
An astral curve after

You are my halcyon sea
Moving like a quiet prayer
Like satellite signals  
From the waves of space
And of the briny undertow
In our cosmic dance

Ebbing like a small sailboat
We rocked back and forth
To the trance of humming machines
Of clockwork
And graced by the heat of the guiding stars

I feel like a planet
Protected by your stardust

You
fill my veins
with yellow lights
& it beats the glow
of Christmas and New Year's Eve

All i know
is that it feels like
a home
that i've never had

Your mouth is wounded enough
To look like ruins
I can see where she left the damages
Of her hell mouth
Like an icy blade
Sharpened freshly
Against your own
But still
You fell in love with the way
She spoke
Every time
Of promises
And plans
That you and her
Shall make
But when her mouth
Formed the shape
Of leaving
Your teeth
Dug deep into your lips
Looking for words
To offer
For her to stay
But she
Left anyway

whenever i would say no
your face would darken
& i can see smoke
filling into your irises
light
getting blocked
by a deeper hunger
the tongue is not able
to understand

you would bare your teeth
& get onto me anyway
sinking your fangs
deep
into my paper skin
leaving so much
red
on my flesh

you know
i have found another
heartbeat
inside of me
&
i can't let my body
be its home
for there's so much of you
staining on me
your venom
is pulsating within me

&
maybe
this is the only thing
i will keep
from
you

stars flow through these leaky pipes
& i'm starting to wonder if the tattoos
on your back
are starting to face
or are the yellow lights
in our rooms
are just dimming down
maybe you should try drawing
on my wrists
again to stop them from itching
maybe i shouldn't make you
cold coffee anymore
maybe you should change
the dead bulbs in the house
or maybe i should dye my hair
to make you
love me
again

I saw Temptation
& he stared at me
with his narcotic eyes
blossoming nebulas formed
around his head
& i felt sinful
just staring
back
at him

i felt like
i'd go straight
down
to hell
with just wondering
if his lips
if his mouth
tasted like
the darkest
of coffee

& i don't
even like
coffee

but
i'm willing
to try

If my tears were unchained beads
From a rosary
Or pearls and crystals
Instead of salty drops of water
I would be able to make
A pretty necklace
Around my neck
To constantly remind me
I am strong enough
To keep my bruised knees
Straight

We used our hands too much
That’s why

Our palms began to scorch
In sweat and whispered confessions
From tight grips in long walks
Our fingers are knotted securely together  
That our knuckles have turned white

We pointed at bowls of soup
We want to taste from restaurant menus
At clothes in shop windows
At stars, funny blog posts, movie posters

You, holding an umbrella out for me
When it rains out
From picking up a fight with a ******
Who used a lousy pick-up line on me
From attempting to sketch my face

I, massaging your aching muscles
From writing poems about you
Holding warm mugs of coffee
While watching you play your guitar

I began losing mine
After hushing you
With the finger I accidentally cut
From cutting cherry tomatoes
For your salad
And then I bit off my thumb
When you didn’t calm yourself
And began to speak even louder
To me

I knew you lost yours
When you barely reach out
For my hand anymore
But I think you still had a few
On your left hand

I know
Because I heard the door open
And shut

We don’t have to go home
So early
The night is still blushing
And the merrymaking
Has just begun

The Wolf is gone
We’ve buried him
Under the ashes
Of his bones
And his victims
The Wolf is dead

Don’t pull on my sleeve
We don’t have to go home
So early
The merrymaking
Has just begun
And they’ve just brought out
The drinks and roasted pig

What are you worrying about?
The Wolf is gone
They’ve spiked him with silver
Through his heart
The Wolf is dead
I heard that his spine
And ribcage
Got broken from the jab

The Wolf is gone
Don’t feel upset
Here, have a glass
You’ll need it
After that
We can dance
Because
The Wolf is dead

I heard
That I’m made out
Mostly of water
And star stuff
They say that there is
A secret galaxy
Located in my mantle
Just beneath the crust
Of my pale skin

They nodded at me
Twirled me around
Inspected and pulled on
My skin
They nodded
Saying, “Yep, it’s in there.”

I heard
That I’m made out
Of water
And star stuff
They say that there is
A secret galaxy
Located in my mantle
Just beneath the crust
Of my pale skin

I got excited
And grabbed a kitchen knife
And cut through
The equator line of my belly
And I found nothing
But sticky, stinky, bouncy globules
Planets, maybe
So where are my stars?

Big bad wolves
Huffing and puffing on cheap cigars
Under dimly lit streets
And inhaling substances I do not know

Big bad wolves
Dabbing on their pocket cologne
And chewing on mints
To hide the smell of blood on them

Big bad wolves
Snarling and cackling at jokes
With liquor shining in their throats
They inhale some of the bad stuff more

Big bad wolves
Showing their sharp pointy teeth
At cake-faced and dyed haired babes
Hoping they’ll feast on something raw tonight

Big bad wolves
Also get tired like us
From inhaling, puffing, chugging and smashing
They crawl in their beds and fall fast asleep