Why, given these winnings, are you compelled to defend…
Where I live in the beginning that lies at the end?
To die driven and spinning, far too fast not to pretend…
Decisive will the sinning burn a lonely man to blend?
When I live in the beginning that lies at the end.

Breathless, I sat silent as each word formed on his lips
and from his tongue, took flight; floating in the air
to find their way straight to my heart, and burn like acid drips
leaving holes I know that nothing can repair.

The moment breaks as I am asked, where on this I stand
I burst and flood; they watch as drowning, I died
for if to save our sinking ship, I can't retreat to land
then I'll wait here until I'm told to come inside.

But I'd misjudged the shouldered weight, and buckled at me knees
I turn to see no one run in my defense
Unsure the cure will come in time to free us our disease
I walk away from suffering your convenience.

it's nice to know it's not for naught
there's value in what can't be bought
where my plans convene with thought
i invest different kind of plot

honeycomb are to the bees
as madness is to mysteries
and are polite priorities
nectar of insecurities?

the recounted sheep are bleating/(bleeding)
cry of wolf to deaf misleading
as i bray again repeating
every note so self-defeating

thrown about the limbs of trees
chaos with-in-discrepancies
that which we melt just to freeze
wring tangles such as these

my journey is while they sleep
shepherdess lost counted sheep
the edge, again, to fall or leap
for flight first failure grade so steep

My white whale wild in the seas
This ship no sail, nor north agrees
Ever-spurning taste of tease
I am ahabs intricacies

to illusion am i ******
eternally roaming the land
through burning thirst for empathy
-i'm plagued with insecurity

in an old biblical story
mortal glimpsed our father's glory
From that instant's blinding light
was driven mad took his own sight

if i could measure and define
truth and where it draws the line
which cliff faces only mine
encases truly, i am fine

chronic illness violently
supressing luminocity
onlookers hang silently
as ash consume ferocity

speed builds on tracks in my train
I know this is too fast, again
upon myself, 'you dare complain,
without reference to real pain?'
all avert their eyes, refrain
saying nothing is my bane
am i alone and insane?
this focus that i can't explain?
creating reason for my pain
purpose for and by diseased brain

i'm so tired and i
can't shake this
heavy feeling in
my chest
i've lost the desire
to get out of bed
and talk and be
social
all i ever want to
do is sleep because
just being awake is
exhausting
i've been trying to
make everyday and
myself better but it's
so hard to connect
with anyone
i want to go home

Tomorrow I'll be on my own again.

I rang in the new year alone and sometimes
she says, "smoking would be better."
Maybe I'll pick up smoking.

"literally stop talking."
Asks if I speak in non-sequitors,
because "normal" conversation
bores the **** out of me.

Doesn't feel pain, barely sleeps
mostly numb, doesn't sleep, doesn't care.

Haven't seen many other people.
Smiles a lot. Breathes deeply.
Hates so much.

Mostly alone.
Doesn't mind.

I got two hours of sleep last night

No, it wasn’t because I was working on the essay that was due today
I couldn’t care less about the essay

Actually, I could
Because I care too much about everything
and that’s why I was up all night

I’ve spent countless sleepless nights worrying about every moment that’s gone wrong
Wincing about every word I stuttered over
Analyzing every glance I received
And it makes me wake up with bruises underneath my eyes

My mom didn’t make me go to school today, even though she knew I should
She wants to scream at me to get out of bed, to do something with myself
But I think my empty stare and my cheeks stained raw like a ripe pomegranate
stop her from making me do anything

I haven’t washed my hair in three days
The thought of leaving my room ties a knot in my stomach that can’t be undone
And why doesn’t my dad understand
That I don’t feel like dragging my body around because it’s as if it’s a bag of sand?

My doctor told me that I have anxiety
headaches
trembling
nausea
lightheadedness
trouble swallowing food
excessive, o  n  g  o  i  n  g worrying and tension
difficulty concentrating
trouble falling asleep
                                       or
                                              staying
        ­                                                     asleep

I didn’t get to sleep tonight

White Hot Ice
Never asking twice
Let the credits show up
Let the sounds carry on
Play this tune till you're sick of it
So we can prove to the world that this is who we are
No more lying and no more scars
I'm not a hammer of nails anymore
I left that behind on the last house
Walking away like a man but feeling low like a mouse
No matter how far we go
Those little spades fly in our faces like those bad headaches
It just irritates you
I'm cured from the cold but here comes the sweat
All of your expectations from me are almost met
I have to give you my white hot ice
Covering up the old smoke
Coming back from the dead
To end the reasons to pretend
This is what the daily shows refuse to show
I'm a visible ghost of who you thought I once was
Everything is coming together now
The mirror doesn't put negative nouns to describe me anymore
It just whispers in my ear
What are you doing?
Are you finally leaving?
Finally leaving all of this rocky horror mental show?
Do you love misery when you see it?
Take the brochure and sit down
I got three hours to ****
If being happy at life was a skill
Get ready for me to be not over the hill
Nobody does things the same way
But I seem to lack the right credentials
I'm a loose product
Of white hot ice
Melting but only slowly
Transparent and lying coldly
The steam wont cool down
Not until you tell me
If I'm worth more than the actor with $15 in his savings account
Am I just going to be another face to you?
Down on his luck
"OH, it's a genetic thing"  
That's why she said no to the $300 ring
A war is never won
Until you surrender
Surrender your skeletons
They were calling for more room
They got tired of being together
The divorce papers are on my desk
Laying where the dust rests
But my mind is still wide awake
From their bickering
I can't take the bleak diversity
Its fading faster than my sanity
I want to be normal but I want to be someone who faces a different end of the tennis court
I'm first come, first serve to Lucifer's palace
Better run before you get callus
I never wanted to be here
I wanted to be there
Where people just repeat the time again we haven't met a galaxy yet
That can do that
No, not just yet
Let's hope past lives exist
Because I never got to be a first start
I've always had to climb
Climb towards the simplest things
Nobody is to blame
Except myself
I'm white hot ice
And I'm sorry I burn
I can't help it, I'm just one of a million
Of one out of ten
Statistics show I'm still not going to make it
Make it to the next road
But I'll bulldoze my qualms
And wipe the dirt from my palms
Getting my mind to truly work
So I can concentrate on what matters most
My white hot rage blends in with my contentfulness
Is it worth it?
Will I make it?
Am I just white hot ice?
Waiting to be diminished?
So I can be the burn that only stays without a name?
Pouring my best parts into your drink
So you can evaluate and think
I'm not the drummer boy but I sure know how to look out of place
I'll devour my sorrows
And lend you the emotions I borrowed
So you can forget all about my transgressions when I leave the ground
I'm going to be hot until so long
I'll just become steam
Letting off some inner demons
So I can sit on the side within space itself
Telling it that I have nothing else to run to
Just my thoughts
Cover up the memoir and let them figure it out
I'm all about honesty but something has to be creative
I am somewhat up to that occupation
But I think it might be all I got
All I got
Good Intentions and secondhand smoke hazing into nothing

She called me again tonight
She didn't know who else to call and with the blood on the floor and the knife in her hand she couldn't ask her parents for help
She tells me, "I'm helpless."
She tells me, "I'm scared."
She tells me, "I can't fall asleep because of the fear."

I know the right things to say. I know how to get her to stay on this side for one more day. I know how to talk her down when her boyfriend isn't around to pull her back to the ground.

So I don't tell her that I'm drowning too. Because I'm the strong one, keeping her afloat. I'm the strong one, when the sea is so big, and we are just two young girls in this small boat.

I scratch at my rib cage
Nails clawing at my skin
As if I could scrape away
The extra weight I feel I've gained

It's like the devil's inside of me
He's disfiguring my bones
I fall to my aching knees
God make him leave me alone

Trapped inside my eyes I'm  screaming
The numbers on my scale are screeching
Their maniacal laughter devours my dreams
Someone save me I'm afraid to sleep


-ARI