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Kash Nov 2013
She slouched against the smoke stained wall
Her skeleton hands both trembled
She sighed heavily with effort
Then emptied another stiff drink

This was not the place to mention
But she revealed her affliction
Then shooed away further questions
Acting startled and offended

She knows I am familiar
With obsession and starvation
And the resolve to self-destruct
For never being good enough

But I witnessed devastation
Then I resolved to keep living
Or at least to keep on trying
A death’s not worth its weight in grief

Now I can't just shake this from her
Reorganize her scrambled mind
Retract my own comradery
And convince her she will be fine

So dangles her mortality
In faces of those surrounding
Watching us plead desperately
While she starves something worth feeding
Kash Jul 2017
I used to be comforted
by the sound of ocean waves outside my window.
I used to sigh in and out with each current pull.
A heave forward.
A drag backward.
Reliable.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
In and out. In and out.
I used to breath with the water.
And it was simple.
Kash Nov 2016
I have feelings, like everyone else.
But when they are contained in me, they wreak havoc on my very bones.
How different must I be. If everyone else can maintain them.  
While I fight and disdain them.

Harmless, they tell me. Thoughts are just thoughts.
I give them power when I let them talk.
But like it or not they are very convincing.
And I am weak against temptation.
Kash Jan 2017
Today I think I failed myself
By the habit's hands I am a hostage
My the liar's mouth I am a slave
Wakefulness is my price to pay
Sleep obviously eludes me
Actions obviously exclude me
Kash Mar 2017
I put in too much
and yield little crop
like an over watered garden
the intention was there
I gifted all my effort
there was no lack of care
but the fruit came up bare
and the vegetables drowned
so my little garden failed
Kash Oct 2017
I'm an over flowing cup
I'm pasta boiling up

I'm over my head
Trying in water to tread

I'm pushing at the seams
Between reality and dreams

I'm rhyming for no reason
Except to mark the change of season
Kash Nov 2016
Maybe I did trick you
But I didn't hide any pain
I did allude you to it
And you came to me all the same
Now I only let you surface skim
Over the things that bind me
To bottoms of ocean floors
Where only blind creatures see
By moving stick-like feelers over me
Kash Mar 2017
They tell me I am disordered
That the disease skews my vision
But I can't help that what I see first hand
Rings more truth that expert opinions

A battle of logic
A reassessment of my past
Solid justifications?
Or am I with in the wrath?
Kash Mar 2017
I drink the coffee every morning
Even though it makes my stomach uneasy
And my hands shake

I skip breakfast in the morning
And set precedent for the day
And the hunger aches

I do it anyway
There is something about rituals
In which I give more than I take
Kash Dec 2016
Today was pretend
My own display of good health
Treatment taught me stealth
I picked up some bad habits, They were put to use on this food heavy holiday like nobody's business. I'm not proud. So I wrote a Haiku about it.
Kash Jul 2017
Good moods used to promise themselves to me,
convincing me things could stay that way.
That something had changed for good.
But they don't.
So I was left betrayed.
And disappointed.
Because the of lows that follow.
Eminent and looming.  
And you can never out run them.
Not with innocent denial,
or hand fulls of pills.
With every high there is a low.
Just like peaks and valleys.
And so I struggle to stand tip toed.
When I already know whats down that road.
Kash Sep 2017
I am fighting
Naked and succumb by waves
That crash with relentless force
Over my body cold and shivering
Extremities going numb

I am fighting
It might look like I don't stand a chance
But I'll stand unwavering
Until the waves grow tired
Of trying to erode my human shape
Kash Aug 2014
We live lives like weather
subject to whims and doubt
changing our minds habitually
as storms disobey their route

horizons make false promises
to encourage all the guessing
disguising all our sunny days
as either luck or blessing

And so we remain elements
of a nature we can't fathom
but particles must circulate
to structure the carbon atom
our lives are lived with in the realms
of an infinite, linear pattern
circles define our fingerprints
just as rings imprison Saturn
Kash Dec 2016
The ******* roots of this thing are unbelievable.
They grow right into the crux of my inner most cognition.
Where the gears and bolts and pipes
and all the unseen mechanics of my little mind reside.
They grow inside and through and around.
They clog gears,
burst pipes,
loosen bolts.
I have weeds in my mind,
the kind that suffocate their host.
A fiery invasive species,
the ones that respect only fire and pesticides.
Kash Dec 2016
The gravity of loneliness
It heaves and sighs like shifting ice
That moans like whales in the night time
It's weight I've grown accustom to
Settled down solid on my bones
My bare shoulders ache and bend
My spine curves under the pressure
I pray for a tectonic shift
Havoc to my structure ingrained
Groundwork for new ways to relate
Kash Dec 2016
I woke up with out hope for this day
So I stayed in bed until noon
A luxury afforded only to the undeserving
Kash Dec 2016
Yesterday someone asked me if I really want to live.
I said yes but,
it's not that simple.
I want the beautiful things
and I see them.

But I feel a disproportionate amount of pain,
as trivial as it may be,
I feel it so intensely.
I've seen death.
I know it intimately.
Yet small things still get to me.

Did I forget the blessings?
The miracle of lungs filling with air
and a steady heart beat.
The joy of a vessel to hold me.
Yet all I can do is outrun the pain.
Are my blessings are given in vain.

— The End —