I need someone else to replace you
Just so I know that I can
Someone else to hold me, to touch me
Or for you to become another man
I need someone to love me, I’ll try to love him too
All I need is to know that I can love someone
Someone that isn’t you.

We are shadow puppets, you and I
Dancing on the walls after dark
Floating between empty spaces
Surviving off of the single light
The single light which is embers
Embers from a ferocious fire
A fire from our *******
Untamed and free
I seek the rim of your silhouette
Playfully chasing
Painfully embracing
Embracing the darkness and embers thereof
And when our passion runs wild again
When the fire burns brighter and stronger once more
Slowly, we’ll fade out, leave the walls to the brightness
See as it eats us, nothing to discuss
Nothing to say, but a touch left to have
But we’ll meet again, don’t worry, my shadow puppet friend
When the fire burns out, passion is glory
Embers are present, embers are all
And I’ll see your outlines, I’ll hear the shriek of your call
Because what else is there to a shadow
Than the life of a light
A light that we hold
Until the last ember do us part.

I wonder
If someday
I’ll be able to close my eyes again
Without seeing you with him
Without visualizing all the details
I wonder
If someday
I can look at you, laughing
Without feeling that sting in me
The sting that means
That I won’t grow old with that laugh
That I can’t simply grab you
And kiss you
Because your little dimples are so cute
Because your sharp corner teeth are weirdly attractive
Because your heart speaks to mine
Only mine doesn’t speak to yours
And that makes my stomach feel like a fighting ring
Because I don’t know if I can ever
Not love you
Not long after you
Not feel like a stranded **** island
When I close my eyes
And see only you
With him.

Sometimes, it really feels like I’m going under
Like the last part of me that was still whole
The final, tiny particle that survived the emotional purge that was falling in love with you
Would start to crackle, bit by bit
And every small piece would echo through my body
As they fell down to the pit of my stomach
And set in stone that from that day on, that I would never be whole again
And I thought, maybe one day, I would love again
But it would never be the same
I could still feel the pieces at the bottom of my stomach whenever I moved
Hear them clink together and rustle every time I bent over to kiss him
The New One
The replacement
The one that reminded me of you when he laughed
Not because it sounded like you
But because it made me miss your laugh endlessly more
The one who could never be enough
The one who would eventually be known as
“He who proved I could only love you”
Because that is all anyone would ever be
Proof that those pieces would never dissolve
Never stop making sound
Never stop making themselves known when I stretch out and reach for a bottle of new love
Another love
Which I am not sure even is that
Because if there is anything you taught me
It is that it’s very hard to fall in love
With a heart that lies crackled
In the pit of your stomach.

I grew up in a religious home,
they implemented this dream
that one day ill be come a priest
And it was the only way to make them happy.

I lived this silly dream up until the end of 5th grade when i realized,
There is no god.

Fore how can a man of such holy stature commit all these heinous crimes against his own "children".
I was 10 years old when i realized i had enough, that my voice needed to be heard.

They dont talk about little boys getting molested, almost intentionally looking away as if it never happens.

Us boys are taught a long list of rules from a young age to never cry, never show fear, never back down, just a whole lot of nevers.

But I was never taught to deal with a grown man inside me.

Believe me it hurt, it hurt more than any pain i have felt to this day.
What made it worse was the one inside me, my father.

At first it started off innocent enough, he was drunk and didnt know what he was doing.
But it soon progressed into a side business he ran under the table
"20 dollars, 20 mins"

At 8 years old, brandy became my best friend. She was the only thing that numbed my pain, although forced down my throat so I wont fight back, I learned to enjoy the burn.

A year later i went to my first party.
Months of getting beat down and broke all was ment for this day.

23 guys; one boy.

I still remember the day you took my hand,
Kissed my forehead,
And told me you didn't love me.


-FreeMind