The steam it takes me
To reach each 6p.m.
Is unsustainable, exhaustingly so
With knicks and clotted flesh
Bruises aging brown
mix with, overlap the latest
Deep purples and ill hued blues
I am beaten by my own doing
Little to nothing is compensation
But the things i have touched
Broken made new again
From raw to finished, tangible
My hands, rough, scarred,
Talented and beat up
As is my body. Nightly.
By the end of the week i am a sight
Too tired to want morr from life.
Filthy and sore, single, alone
There has got to be more to life
Then the beast of burden i resemble
If not be the ending too soo
See i am beaten at the end
Tired...
Goodnight.

Love
Was all it was.

All it is.
When too too often
I
The hardest choice
An awful decision

The reason.

Creating,
Is me affirming.
Uniqueness,
Though to no gain
But ego.
A bandaid,
Over being
Less,
not achieving,
More.
Never,
Good enough.

With no words in the air
The one we don't know
The reason, and meaning
Our own hidden fear
Be then so well defined
Screams to surface
To paint a face of guilt
Even if there is no basis
Without words well spoken
Thought out, without menace
Empathy, caring and attention
Spoken to clear the fog
That words unspoken bathe in
And insecure fears do dine upon,
Our ties too thin, two lives destined
Will twist and bend, stretching
Until they are apart.

I have struggled
Words fail where hurt threatens inspiration.
See I'm without you baby
It fell apart and the teeth came out
Caught barely of guard
Entirely confused though
See I really thought we had it good
Stupid as I can be about letting you know or investing efforts too late
Baby, you're gone.

If they will ever know me?
How could they live me?
Parts of Me I wonder

Something,  Someone;
Worthwhile,  Special
Above all undeserved
of negative intent, thought...
Action...  Had not wanted;
To hurt, to be assaulted.
I was relearning then
No simple task,  a decision
I wanted,  oh I did so dangerously.
Capablity in means of measure,
Fell short,  too little, too inconsistent.
So much,..  All there was to give.
I was unpracticed, crude
I had not wanted whats become
Torn apart, insulted, in pieces
For fear of worse I go
With regretful heavy heart
It is for the best

Had not wanted for you
But for you to be happy
Be happy love,
Please know...
I never meant to hurt
or cause you harm.  
I really did love you.  
You should too.

And I'm always tired,
 Not a lack of desire,
 It's just I'm so **** tired.
 Yeah, I'm Always tired,
 I feel down...
 Down, Down, Oh so down,
 Yeah I guess I'm feeling middle aged...
 And that's the way it is.
 Peek a long past,
 My prime in photographs...
 Believe me I am trying,
 He sent me I'm dying,
 No we can't be...
 things can't be,..
 So f hot...
 Impulsive,
 Only f a lot,
 No it's just so ******..
 Quick to Let you down
 Even when I don't wanna.
 Middle age man that's my dilemma...

Once I let someone into
my very small circle
The chosen few I choose
Then do I feel and understand
On unspoken levels
They the very small circle
A part of you are not
No... You are with me
Dancing around
directly in the middle.

If I must have three reasons
Two good, one overdue
And if the two are true
Then if I can help me I will
Learning to help you
Something I might like
So whisper sweet your nothings
Say then just three
to contribute, make them true
So I can believe
As I am counting on you
False things fall apart
Let one have me
If one is you
Then the last will be
Three... Overdue.

Awoke today,
    a stranger's face
Staring back
    in a familiar way...
Mirror Glass,
   Smiling,..
Should I smile back?...
   Or shoo away all new,
again today,
   all I long to be?

Familiar lines traced
   lead with glimpses back
Reminding the child I used to be...

Upon light so intense
   time's winning hand
casts me back,
   Out played I fold
No fire and no flame
   Just an ember left...

A Long forgotten man
   Awoke today,
a strangers face
   who i want to be.
He looked at him,
   I looked at me
And He asked questions:
  
   Do I ever decide?
Did You like my chances?
   if ever there could be,

Him?..
  
    He?..

           Me?

Another thought,..  Wonder what it was about?
This night's list goes on, and on, and what was I doing?
Oh, fixing to amaze, engross and... uh,... ADD anybody?
Humor is a weapon used by the first one to usually be hurt.
I've seen it, in the polished wall that has my face, my...
**** it all to somewhere constantly on track, focused, intended,
Thoughts that seed, bud to grow, flower as the motivation makes
use of the ability to foresee its own finalization

Fall Away days

swallowing change after change

for we're both still here



you're just so far away

You hold fate's attention
  one day coming,
    one day leaves.
One plays
   another one,  gone
     one at a time
       one day
          another
today is tomorrow
   one day later
and today will come

And the angel said
you must have had a dream
and you remembered it
till the dream followed through
till the end,
till the dream came true

when I want something,  I get it.

and you'll remember that,  won't you.

Preface, the time in life
before I ever knew
comprehending these people
Who I was, wasn't, just motions
A whisper of grey shade
In a uniformly ordinary world
Living was to be breathing
No attention, motivation, desire
Just another waste of existence
The day since passed
The pinning moment you befell
Alluring all things for reasons
This is me now, willing, able
Determined and deeply in love
All things have reason, purpose,
Desire in living, seeing a future
All things followed you.

Preface, the time in life
before I ever knew
comprehending these people
Who I was, wasn't, just motions
A whisper of grey shade
In a uniformly ordinary world
Living was to be breathing
No attention, motivation, desire
Just another waste of existence
The day since passed
The pinning moment you befell
Alluring all things for reasons
This is me now, willing, able
Determined and deeply in love
All things have reason, purpose,
Desire in living, seeing a future
All things followed you.

I want to be everything you need
The way that she can breathe life into me
Making her dreams my only desire
I will change in any way she needs
I want to carry her in her place
Above me,  worthy and effortlessly
Beauty and my everything
She Fills me completely in many ways
I need to be,  or do,  or bring into being
All the best and all the precious things.
As she reignited this forgotten man
I now and here after swear my heart
Offering all my days to her for her to keep.

So what?,.
So you lied to me.
You might have tried to spare my feelings?
Maybe...  A way to be polite...  
I know.  
I've done it myself.
But then you look me in the eye...
Girl that was over the top!
Deceitful and ugly
....  Goodbye

Found beneath silk like wrappings
Smoldering barely, the coals create,
The Embers of my innermost, the splendor
In light and warmth; our light blue,
fluffy white deception hides the truth
As it dwindles and grows transparent
And the Twilight is made of dark hues
Accentuated by points of distant light
Numbering more than can be imagined.
Points of light stabbing through
Unfathomable distances between
Incredible places, unobtainable
As we realize and reluctantly accept
our place amongst the countless others.
Truths at first alarming until
surreal sets in to soothe and
ease the discomfort of knowing
How unimportant and miniscule indeed
We are not the center of creation.
We are simply One more
Of the countless others, Looking out
Wondering how?

When I may,
Weightless,
Devote my all
velvet - like,  
Oblivious
Tangerine, Mars black,
On  a blue twilight
Expresses true feelings
Inner workings,
All ME!
ME ME ME!..
Not this world,
This throw away love
Each soul a benevolent
Yet broken, ignorant
Programed to slave
Waste, live in now
Forget everything else

Of you all that remains
30 Seconds
the results of one decision
the foundation erased
turned away, lost
given no way
keep mine cherished
Whittled down few holding
Taken as you turn away
the love is gone
turned away they start blurring
blinking my tears
it replays, floating
Your last few words
These are my few
30 Seconds of You

There is a calm
A sort of closeness
That comes after heartbreak.
With nothing else
But acceptance to cling to,
It reigns alone
Controls hope and futures.
In the lack of light
Calm resides in silence.
But one thought
brings with it the knowledge
'it will be Alright '...
Because it will.
Take this and be guided
Back to light and laughter.
To life and happiness.

A goodbye that remains
blameless am I
Another lie,  ugly, transparent
How can I prevent it?
Why am I so easy to love,
They all seem to fall hard
Saying all the nicest words
Painting my mind in far from now
Oh so foolish to inflate ego full of pride
And this ain't my first experience
So how is it that I am far from agreement?
Three times, consecutive, at the very moment
I begin to see a future we could come to see

Ask Me how many?
How many faces I see,..
Within one heart?
crowded inside indeed.
I will do questionable math,
An unexplainable equation.
Cypher the many seen,
To the sum of but two only?
I will answer there are two,
From what once was just one...
Ask me to explain my findings?
See the others?  They asked nicely,
to be left out of my curious findings.

It isn't for fun and games anymore.
That excuse wilted away.
In fact them are my very downfall.
Back then, **** was only a refreshment
And chosen were the days on it.
I was on guard and after
each introduction
Every reabsorbed indulgence
I walked it out of calling range
Chose not to be what I am now.
Financially funneling my nonexistent,
To make my way through **** work
**** pay, always broke...
Weak without; Penniless with it.
I need out.  Have little lapses.
I am not going to be a great loss.
Just one that couldn't let go
As fast as those that dabbled back then.

Though three separate
with this last comes a cadence

Again without,  alone,
empty chested aching

The very first
And then later the second

This third confirms
My relationship pattern emerges
Like a drum beat
A cadence

Warm against this man
As the only sound is that rattling fan
White noise she said, as she slumbers
One arm, one leg, her beatiful head
Draped over a man so in love.
To lay against this woman is a gift.
Never been so content, just to feel
Her breaths, tickle prefect
Music,  as I gently kiss her head.
To lay against is a gift

no protection  if  unwanted wants,
My head  appreciates numb moments
in time as all shall, passes
This personal hell felt.
Lights and sounds feel focused
Aimed true, rare are close calls.
Near misses none tooFrequent
these siege like afflictions.
To sum my remedy,
my blissful Leave,
to be, know,
No more episodes
agony within.
Contentment, and more time
in which colors, laughter, living exist.
No pain Fills This mind,
I can take part in,  miss less,
Hurt less.


A perfect day is...
Free of cadence,
No commitment to agony.
Too true, my remedy numbs,
completely, when dedicated.
To be is to take part,
costs one's importance's
time, cherished connections.

□ Go upon an immediate realization
□ That a life with you is to learn to live with me
□ I don't am high for selfish reasons I hide, even if I know what it must be like,
□ Beaten up twice, sealed up too tight
□ All I'm failing to ask is,  I won't make it this third time baby
□ You can break me so much worse,
□ Meaning just a fraction of my life lived without,  the purpose that you give me, cause you are just like a midnight sentence pardon and if only just accepted, didn't find out if I go up or I go down?

Meaning just a fraction of my life lived without,  the purpose that you give me, cause you are just like a midnight sentence pardon and if only just accepted, didn't find out if I go up or I go down?

Owning only stolen air,
I function, uniquely
To gently own the unseen
Felt feelings, I look to master,
The tiniest remnants,  tattered
Torn and misappropriation rule
Fantastic forbidden fragment
Fall into hell, held, unshared
No podium,...
no  speaker,...
nor a crowd, of any sorts stirring
Aggitating,  aggrieved masses
slaves in their blissless mindset

'I've never known the right words.'
Says the man.

'But,  I have so eagerly waited? '
My voice doing little to hide my hurt.

' will you try? '

O'  to describe, that silence...

Put in words, that look...
found behind proud eyes,  

As a man of greatness stared,
quietly into the distance.
To the cushion of memory
As it truly Curbs the bite
And burning acceptance,
failing,  if it be so easy?

It certainly startled, that rabbit...
Feels it i'I've never known the right words.'
Says the man.

'But,  I have so eagerly waited? '
My voice doing little to hide my hurt.
' will you try? '

O'  to describe that silence...
Put in words that look...
found behind proud eyes,  
As a man of greatness stared,
Into distance, was lost
And that startled rabbit
Feels it wrongly is hunted.
What words could one say?
To fall so completely,
Board eyes such as mines hunted.
What words could one say?
To fall so completely,
Board eyes such as mine

There she is,  with two of me
Yes,  two...
They are going to fight
Like they always do...
Will i be understanding?
Caring and gentle with my words?
Or will I bring more unwanted unstoppable, jagged hours of separation...
No calls, texts, off of the grid
that's close and adds fuel to her uneasiness, she doesn't need this
More than half sees and all of me hates
The waits I put her through.

'I've never known the right words.'
Says the man.

'But,  I have so eagerly waited? '
My voice doing little to hide my hurt.
' will you try? '

O'  to describe that silence...
Put in words that look...
found behind proud eyes,  
As a man of greatness stared,
quietly into the distance.
To the cushion of memory
..  
The startled rabbit. The prey that feels it is hunted.

I steal from her
Brick and mortar
To add to my foundation
Made of so little
rubble and debri
she wants this and wants that
but never stops
Never ever listens
I know what I want
the expense, knowing
I'm not right,
I am ruthless, and uncaring
Selfishly overbearing,
I blame these things
Upon the tiny shoulders of my self esteem you of course, and you know them,
and they point and accuse you too,
Never me.  
I am a man
Made of Memories
splintered,
Like Glass in a window breaks
Then Falls to pieces
That find Places, spaces Beneath you
Made smaller and smaller still
Rushed away
carried everywhere you were.
Where the need of
Less and less fits,
unless like a man
It proves too imperfect,
Until I find my ending
I imagine it Deep & blue,
Richest Royal,
inviting,
Then I will forgive
Forget ever having been
Walked Upon By you

(written with help from Silly)

I heard those heavy Steletto footfalls,
So clearly from down beneath.
You walked on the rocky hills,
Of my sole souls surface.

I laid it bare and fragile before you,
Spread too thin, I am such a fool.
After you no birds flew,
No view from my window.
Like the certainty around my shoulders,
the winds of Fall announce the end of summer.

Let us share in this golden shimmer,
and as winds get louder, as they will,
let God know, his justice was served:

She found him and he found her.

But we never found each-other.

honey any direction
you hold Avenue
Are blessed
Though only in reflection
Infrequent Glimpses,
memories of a fragrance
Irreconcilable differences
Heartbreaking recollections
Every direction,
You are a part of
Echoing closely and far away
No place that hides or denies
Images and reasons to
Or not to, You
Unwanted necessities
such as this fragile peace
Forever and always unmade
Won't be, never lessens or fades
Feelings are effective triggers
With unfailing memory
Still strum and play
Strings beneath cry iut
Easier accepting never accepting
Ever after sold this fool
All his dreams,  every part he guarded
No longer,  but for now has been
His burden and imposed sadness.

in love with going on,
Moving moments i barter,
to remember little pieces
ones that matter
most lay open
there is a lesson in this
a world of less and less,
for all I own there
is no reservation in heaven
friends, unfamiliar faces
I know within,  without,
With all I have not
a way in which to express
The numbness and unnoticed
There is there
In a world of less and less

in the sunshine of midthought
flavors both sweet and bitter ****
the shipping inward memories of...
you.
idol hesitant, rough, resilient
resists an urge winking
if it were games, vacation hell Is not
to remember, to climb in time
today you've moved on
goodbye
always have those years
sometimes



I wish you were here
other wise I'm happy and others I could care less learning to love me for me I guess to open up now when I'm so hard to love my defenses allow if even partly on guard it's all or nothingso I give it another go and she damaged like me but beautiful and I know I love her I think I do but she doesn't know how to return it

Painting this picture,
With you in it...
It is almost always you,
You find a way...
You are in everything I do,
And in every medium...
The lemon  yellow,
Phalo blue,..
The burnt umber,
Every hue...
Every color has you,
The way that I used to.
And these feeble ways
that I can still have
Through gentle strokes
thoughtful shadows,
carefully placed highlights
to effectively embrace those subtle shapes
When I miss you...
I paint...
To see you,
Face to face.

I am a man, made to look
Memories splinter and fracture
Glass in a window,  brittle
Falls to pieces crashing down
Places,  spaces therein between
Beneath they are crushed
Made smaller and countless
Rushed and carried all over
By busy feet do they arrive
Where peddles golden blooming
Bursting brilliance into heaven
Above us is always blue
Clear,   forever, ending

You can make me look
You made me look
I will not lie or refuse you
Do need,  do you want me to?
So certain aren't you?
So make me look at you.
I will,  but one thing before you do.
It might be just this once.
I could learn this trick if I do
And if I do,  I'll steal it from you
You'll never hold this gaze again
Will have to stare at me hoping
I choose to look back at you
You won't blink,  if you do...
Now this could mean I never do
Honestly,  I've seen my share of you
The ones that feed off of the needs
Of those willing, or too clueless
To only need or ask or force another
Though they may be the one
Afraid to blink and only wishing
Fully intending to take from then forget

they were right
those that have suffered through it
the first night is the hardest
so I've heard
so I've learned
All nights are, can be
difficult, painful for certain
when surrounded by familiar
in the house, now so quiet
Erie, one less pillow,
empty closet now,
one less blanket
and time alone, so badly unwanted
it was to yourself and in the dark
" I did not want this. "
the first night, is.
The worst, the hardest.

This end i fear is too soon impending,
The word has been given that my only means to Becoming the Saint I've crafted so carefully,  minding the smallest of details sets my art of misleading befriending double talking in another league,  another plane of existence, I'm the flame dancing upon the smoldering coals like yours.

when i slip off into... sleep
                           she pours in and over, throughout
ink in water.

I Don't Know If You Know This...
I steal from your Holdings,
Little looks here and then
between
looking for you
and looking elsewhere
Lest you hold in those eyes
Entirely my wants
And yet again, this heart
Love...
By point of light
and bathed in generous color
Finding your eyes
whilst unaware and smiling
Amazing.
These,  my secreted plunder
Stay very real and Tangible
To my dreams when drifting
Reason waking,  to be more love
And to tell you daily
One hundred,  more,  constantly
I don't know if you know this,
I love you completely
frozen and at a loss
again,.. amazing