A friend asked me
how to be a writer.
I wanted to say,
lock yourself in a room,
scream until you have
a poem and no voice.
Open your veins and bleed
until you know that your bones
are pure words and sorrow.
Act as if you slit your own throat
and all you can bleed
are your own regrets
and all of the darkness
you boxed up for inspiration.
Write your mom a letter,
tell her you're leaving
and you won't be back for awhile
Because being a writer is traveling
through all seven layers of Hell
and denying anything is wrong.
Forget loving yourself
when all you have is a pen and paper
fused to your wrist
and Jesus is tapping at your skull
saying turn back now.
Warn the neighbors that if they smell burning
It's just your soul
clawing at the front door trying to get in.
Learn how to be alone.
Learn how to lose everything you have
in order to feel release,
learn how to only feel deceased
from now on.
A friend asked me
how to be a writer.
All I said was
don't

She paints a pretty picture
she says the nicest things
outside she's always smiling
though demons live within.

She wears the latest fashion
Is surrounded by her friends
She goes to all the parties
but the torment never ends

She always feels so helpless
while alone beneath the stars
She paints a pretty picture
the girl with all the scars.

I have fire and stars in my veins
oceans in my mind
sparkling and shimmering
reflecting the morning sun
Inside of me are whole worlds
But it takes time
For me to reveal this side of me
Pull me back
Layer by layer
and soon you will see
The light streaming through the cracks
The water streaming out to caress your feet
Please be patient with me
I am worth the effort
The raveling and unraveling of my soul
is a process
and if you stay long enough
You will see

I’ve saved a spot in my heart for you.
If you’re ever lost and need a warm home.
This spot is everlasting.
Throughout the years to come
and all the potential lovers I will roam.
A piece of me,
to call your very own.

Those silly songs;
so sad but true
With lost feelings
of me and you

I played it on
with the tape's side A
Felt like blossoms of dawn
and flowers of May

I flipped the tape
Found side B's empty
The same thing I get
Every time you look at me

"You'll get over this."
You once confided
That's what our love is;
Too one-sided

why’d i stop celebrating?
or even blowing candles?
or hoping that people would say sweet words
on the day that i was born

it was too toxic for me
too much people smiling
when they only want to eat the food
in my feast
and leave without
saying a word

gifts too genuine and expensive
but do they make me happy?
no cause money
is false hope of happiness

i tried to smile
for everyone stay strong
but why did everyone changed
as my age differs a single digit

i miss the old parties were
i could only be laughing
full of joy
but now it is full of
lies, my laughs
that you hear
are very pretentious

i swear i was so confused
i couldn’t write a single bit of me
“who am i?” i asked
what is the purpose of me?
i struggled writing an essay about it
i can remember memories
our times, smiles and tears
but really what was i?

writing made me realise
i was too lost to remember
who i am
who was i
i could’ve sworn
that i knew the details
of your freckles
the alignment of your moles
the shade of your skin
your thick brows

but when you went away
i didn’t realise
that i wasn’t me when i’m with you
i’m a total stranger to myself
i am the only one struggling
with my identity

more than less
winter passed by in a blink
and everytime in my nightmares
you were there
i kept waking up missing you

you created me
you made myself
how i acted
or even how i talk

but i love you even more
even if it hurts.

Hey, I’m back
From floating in the depths
Of my imagination
Still walking through this life

To that final destination
Still picking up my shattered pride
Still learning to change elements 

To make myself feel better

I fight my insecurities, daily.
Depression comes creeping in, Daily
I fight through these mixed emotions, Daily
I crack a smile and jokes just to cope, daily

If this is our reality
Need to celebrate individuality
And all that we hide inside

Let it out,
Picture it in a frame, to display

This is just a story
Of struggles that we face every day
And that’s okay
Sometimes moments don’t go our way
But all these little things
Are the way we are made
It’s our personalities we convey
This is what makes us who we are.

People I don’t even know judge me, daily
Rumours fluctuate about me, daily
I fight my constant fears of failing, daily
I’ve been pushing myself to places
I thought I would never go, daily
I reminisce and simmer in memories of better days, daily
I dream I could be doing better things in life, daily
I’m stuck in all my typical ways of thinking, daily

If this is our reality
Need to celebrate individuality
And all that we hide inside

Let it out,
Picture it in a frame, to display

This is just a story
Of struggles that we face every day
And that’s okay
Sometimes moments don’t go our way
But all these little things
Are the way we are made
It’s our personalities we convey
This is what makes us who we are.

I still get jealous, daily
Can’t help thinking
how I could have been a better man
then who you’re with now...daily
Still, flow through ideas,
of all the things we could have been, daily
Still crosses my mind
All the ways that I’ve let people down, daily
Still shake, still tremble, still scared
I’ll never be good enough, daily
Still fear rejection, daily
Still waking up, daily

If this is our reality
Need to celebrate individuality
And all that we hide inside

Let it out,
Picture it in a frame, to display

This is just a story
Of struggles that we face every day
And that’s okay
Sometimes moments don’t go our way
But all these little things
Are the way we are made
It’s our personalities we convey
This is what makes us who we are.

I can be the one who tells you,
You’re looking beautiful, daily.
I can be the one who opens you up
To feel real love, daily.
I’ll be the one who’ll make you smile daily.
I still find good moments in bad days, daily.
We can fight our fears bravely, daily
I can give you hope, daily
I can shine a little light I hold inside, daily
I still write lines, daily
I promise I’ll strive to be,
The best me I can be, daily.

If this is our reality
Need to celebrate individuality
And all that we hide inside

Let it out,
Picture it in a frame, to display

This is just a story
Of struggles that we face every day
And that’s okay
Sometimes moments don’t go our way
But all these little things
Are the way we are made
It’s our personalities we convey
This is what makes us who we are.

©2018 Written By Benji James

Do you ever get that feeling,
You know the one I mean,
The one you can’t describe
Not even in your wildest dreams.

It kind of feels like drowning
While simultaneously watching yourself drown,
But there’s nothing you can do,
Just watch your body slowly sink down.

Or maybe it feels like...
Your stomach is full of lead,
Your knees are constantly buckling
And a baseball bat to the head.

Do you ever get that feeling,
You know the one I’m talking about,
When your breathing is shallow
And you’re full of self-doubt.

The constant storm of thoughts
That seem to take over your brain,
Overthinking every moment
Until it drives you insane.

Or the feeling you get
When your friend confides in you,
And tells you how
There’s nothing you can do.
Because the deed has been done,
And she’s trying to move on,
But you can’t simply forgive
An act that’s so wrong.

Do you ever get that feeling?
You know the one I mean,
The one that eats you alive
And makes you want to scream.

Hey mom-dad, listen.
Hit me, hate me, throw me out,
But don't shut me up.