My sorrows.

I'll write it all here.

Hoping one of my friends would see this.

Hoping I don't get drunk in emotions and spill out private information

Here goes my story.

Childhood. I was a fighter. I hit and kicked everyone when I got angry.
I didn't know what was rude. I had hard times controlling my anger. Maybe if I did knew, it wouldn't be just me who was getting in all the trouble. I felt different. "Why couldn't I have self-control?"

Older. When I came into this new country, I was excited. Although I wasn't old enough to understand how life would be like. I met people from my country here. I was happy we spoke the same language. But I was still a fighter. And then "that" happened.
It happened in a continuing way. I was the first born. I had no siblings. Then when I was getting use to the new country, my mom was pregnant. We were of course happy. But before we could even know the baby's gender, it died. In her womb. Because it was too weak. I cried. So hard. Even now I tear up, thinking about it. Then later on when I got older, I was told my mom was pregnant 3 times after I was born, and they all died. So 4. 4 died. Few years later. She was again pregnant. And we were careful. Very careful. But it died. Then she was pregnant again. But this time, it lived. And it was born as my little brother. We were so happy. Then not just a few months ago, about in October, I was told my mom was pregnant. This time we were even more careful, because of the things in the past. But later the truth was told. My mom wasn't pregnant. For some reason, only the womb was formed, not the baby. And it wasn't anybody's fault. My mom was just those 100,00/1 rare moms who's womb was weak and unstable. That, was the first sorrow.

This is the second sorrow
Pre-teen. Maybe say about 3, 4, 5 grade. I loved playing and hanging around with my friends. I always begged my parents if I could go over to my friends house. I was happy. My best friends were the friends at church. I was best friends with 6 of them. JL, JK, DK, JB, JL, and JNL. We were from the same country. They were my life and soul. But we had to move to another church and I was depressed by the fact that I had to leave my friends. Luckily, there was JK, a boy from the church, and our family moved next to his. We hung out every time and enjoyed playing outside. But there was always a problem. He had to move back to the country where he was from. It was a country across the Pacific Ocean. I was depressed. Not that I had a crush on him or anything, but, we were great friends. After he left, I started hanging out with my friends at school. My best friend was T. She was smart and funny. We always talked about books we liked and drawings we drew. I was again happy. Then it was time to graduate. I was going to a middle school. But sadly, she had to go to a different middle school because of where she lived. Again I was depressed by the fact that another best friend had to move away. The thing is, I moved a lot. So I moved around schools a lot. 3 times already. It's hard getting use to school. Especially when someone asks me my race and sometime calls out the features of my face. I feel like a girl from another world. 2 years in this school, 2 years in that. Right when I get used to the school, right when I start to love my friends, I have to move. I felt horrible. Still, I couldn't stay sad. I started hanging out with JL, a girl from my previous church. She was hilarious and funny. She and her little sister, JNL, moved in to our church and we all played together. I was so happy. We had millions of sleepovers together and had so much fun. But she had to move away to Vancouver. For the 4th time, I was depressed. And this time I was depressed even more than the other times. I had to consider her the best friend I ever had. And she left. But there was one more church friend. DK and her little sister, JB. We rarely met each other the past few years, but my mom took me to a language school, and I met her there. Her little sister, JB, was the most hilarious person I've ever met. She goofed off in while the teacher was talking and set the whole class laughing. I hung out with them this time and really hoped they wouldn't leave. But in not even a year we were best friends, they had to leave to New Jersey. This time I wasn't as sad, because I could still text them, and I didn't want to be depressed, but I realized something. When ever I made a best friend, they would leave me. Not on purpose or anything, but they would leave to some where far away, making me miss them so bad. And I was done with this nonsense. The sorrows of church friends were done. These days I cling on to my friends at school. It's the most happiest time of my life. The friends are amazing. And there's this one girl, S, and she's amazing. Funny, cute, and shares the same fandom with me. I am happy. So happy. She's been my best friend so far. But the painful pattern continues. She told me, that after this semester, she will have to move away. Move away to another middle school. See? The pattern continues. Now I'm too scared to make a best friend, because I'm scared that they will move away. Disappear. And make me miserable then before. But don't worry..... there's one more friend.. one more hope.... It's a girl 1 years older than me. I'll call her P. She has an older sister, J. I hang out with them often. I mean, my friends at school are okay, but I have a feeling I'll have to move away again, so I try hang out with P and J often. I mean, they're cool! We draw comics and share them to each other, talk about the new show or whatever. But- there's always a "but." Always a problem at the end.

So what do you think? Do you think the pattern will continue this time? Do you think that girl will leave me this time? Do you think she'll leave this time?

Well...

Let's see.....

I got hit with a metal broom stick. Twice.

Getting hit for doing something wrong was a common thing in my family. Probably common in other houses, too.

But that metal stick,
****
I tell you

Hurt like fire.

The first time, I screamed at him. I called him a "gangster". Because that's what he looked like. Beating the **** out of me and my brother with a metal stick.

That night my eyes wouldn't stop tearing up. The fact that I couldn't die was so depressing. I wanted to dissappear from this world so bad, but I knew I wasn't supposed to.

That week my right shoulder turned green.

The next week I got hit again. It hurt more. I remember trying to stop him when he brought out the stick.
"Dad please don't do this. I admit that I was acting terrible, but this isn't right."
I was trying to be confident, but at the same time I was pleading him to stop. Because I knew how much it hurt.

But

The next few minutes I was crouched against a wooden door, screaming "STOP! I'M SORRY! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!"

(Side thought; maybe this is why I have a habit of blaming everything on me when there's a problem.)

My left arm became swollen. My brother and I were forced in the backyard for 10 minutes. It was raining. And it was cold.

So pathetic. Shivering and sobbing. Texting my friend with shaking fingers.
"help"
"help"
"help"

I knew I should've reached for help. I even got a contact for my church Pastor. Yet I hesitated and hesitated and wondered if I was being overdramatic. Time passed, then the chance that I was given was blown away.

They've brainwashed me so bad.
"It's all my fault. I deserved to be hit. I can't do anything. There's people who go through worse than this. This isn't abuse."

This

I don't know anymore
I don't know anymore

It's so funny how 2 days after that disaster we were laughing and playing sports in our backyard. Weird family. We always act like nothing happened.

Last night, I had a dream that my dad was beating my back with a baseball bat.

Is this okay? Is this right? Am I being traumatized?

My heart thumps as I'm writing this. I still have a tiny green mark on my right arm, and my left arm is still bruised.

I keep thinking that there are people out there who go through worse situations. They get abused for no reasons.
And my brain keeps grabbing my neck
squeezing it
choking it
slapping my face in the middle of the night
screaming

"If you didn't act immature, you wouldn't have been hit! YOU should act up- YOU DESERVE IT!"

ah

And that's the reason why I can't finished my homework right now.

Wanna be friends?

Follow me


into the depths of horror

but sweet at the same time

Our blood casts a river; a route

to our dreams and hops

Failure is another word for another try

The pain and emotion are the workers

They build our roads for us

Come follow me

Step on your flesh

Bite into it

Cry

Hope

Your attempts and hardship is your road

I am your friend to help you.

I read in a book

It said

"Always lower yourself."

"Give up the good for others."

"Lower yourself."






*I think I may have lowered myself too much.

You know

I wish I never knew you.

I wish I never loved you.

I wish I never saw you.

Before, I thought it was okay to hurt myself.
I said, "It's okay you can handle this."

I tried to get used to the pain.

But I realized
After a several weeks,

That handling was useless.

You were too much pain for me.

Hey,

I'm sorry I was ever in your life.

I'm sorry I ever urged my feet to go sit with you at lunch.

I'm sorry I ever met you

I'm sorry

I

I

*I'm sorry I loved you.

Sing to me oh so sweet one

Sing a lullaby to my blinded ears

Open your mouth

Free the tones

You have been saving for me.

Oh so sweet one

Sing me a song

A song

That will pull me into a deep
                                  
                         ­      deep
                            
                 deep

*sleep.

To the humans of 2017,

The date is January 5th, 3017.

The empty roads fill with hover cars and the streets buzz with noise.

It's a cold day. But everyone is warm. With their coat heaters, of course.
Some people are even wearing t-shirts and shorts.

The sky, blue and crystal,
is overloaded with Flyers and Sky-Cars. People are roaming on the sky streets.

They don't rush because they're late to work, they don't carry heavy suitcases- all they need is that one little wristband on their right forearm.

Humans are perfect now.

None is stronger than other, none is more handsome then other, none is more smarter than other. They share the same amount of money. Everybody is equal.

This is the Happy City. Not a single fight has happened. Everyone is kind. They do not lie, thief, fight, or ****. Not even one commotion happens.

Everything is perfect. Equal. Even.

But that's not what I think.

Humans shouldn't be perfect. We shouldn't have been.

Humans are a creature that thinks, fights, sacrifice, lie, trust, betray, and make choices. That's what humans are like. That's what they're suppose to be.

That disgusting red wristband makes the decision for us. Or at least, them. It tells them what to wear, eat, do, and even decides your mate. We are not humans anymore. We are not perfect.

These people here are so simple. There is no lesson learned, no school or government. Everybody just has a joyful life.

But no! I disagree! We humans should learn lessons, decide good and evil- we must make mistakes! We also must be evil sometimes! That is what makes us human. Those are our characteristics that prove us human.

Dear fellows, it is hell here.

We are not humans anymore. We have become slaves of perfection.

Save me.

**And these humans that are not humans anymore.

tick tock tick tock


Time goes flying by

What is this emotion?

Do I want to stop it?

Do I want to let it go?

Mixed emotions fill my empty brain.


tick tock tick tock


17
16
15
14
13
12

12? Already? Am I relieved? Or am I sad?

Have I gone crazy? Why does the clock spin so fast?

My eyes swirl against the misty air
They dart around as if wishing they could stop time, which is impossible.

"Help"

"Save me"

I don't seems to understand.

Beware humans, you remember
that you have a limit.

Beware you foolish humans, you are crossing a line.
Beware idiot humans, for the shiver up your spine.

I see the ones who cross the line of human
I see the ones who push themselves to inhuman

You! You humans, are you giving me a threat?
I foreshadow your dooms, the money you bet

No creature has gone this far! Aren't you afraid?
Can't you see the destruction you already raid?

Beware! None is perfect! Be the way you are
Press to your skins and feel! The proud white scars

Enough is enough! Now beware you foolish!
Mountains are crumbling, mammals look ghoulish.

Beware you humans, I will repeat!
Until you sob in rubble of the broken streets.

Beware! The perfects who represent your knifes.
You use your brains to spoil your lifes.

Don't you growl at me, you terrible creatures!
You have no one to blame for they are your features!

Beware you humans- I repeat, beware!

**Last time I tell you, no mercy no care!

I hate this. I hate everything.

I hate that ideas are leaking out of my brain, I hate that I'm becoming more dumber each second. Is that even a word?

I hate that annoying mouth of mine. I hate it when I spit out a word and I immediately regret it.

I hate it when my emotions take over, and make me drunk of them. I hate it when anger and sadness fight to take over my brain.

I hate it when I can't express my feelings. I hate that I can't explain. I hate that I regret.

I hate randomness. I hate that that site won't let me write stories because my email is wrong or something. I hate that my friend is salty.

I hate that my life isn't going the way I want it to. I hate that no one cares for me. I hate that they lie.

But then again, what can I do? This is life,

And I must learn to love **it.

"Wanna be my girlfriend?"

Oh.

Ohhhhh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh


**Yes.

4 days!!!!!

Are you freaking kidding me???

What kind of weekend is that long?? Why no school on Friday and Monday???

It's hard staying alive 1 second without her- and now I have to wait *4 days??!?

Are you freaking kidding me?!??!?!

I miss her already!!!

But don't worry


1 second with her is like 10 minutes with her


She'll reward me for staying alive for 4 days



Because she likes me now



**Although I'm not sure of it

"What happened?"* my inner asks me

"I don't know. I'm so confused." I reply.

"She likes you."
"I don't believe it."
"Why?"
".... I don't understand why she would like me. This all seems like a lie. A dream."
"I thought this was what you've always wanted."
"I know! But...... but.."
"What?"
"I'm so scared that this might be a dream. I'm scared that she'll one day lose interest in me. It's hard to believe."
"This is what you've been always dreaming of!"
"I don't want to love her too much. Because then it'll be more painful when she leaves me."
"I thought you didn't care about pain. You said you didn't care if something hurted you."
"But this is different. It's a different kind of pain. A horrible one. I want to look at her. But when I do, my chest starts hurting so bad. And I want to cry."
"...... so what are you going to do now?"
"I guess...




**I'll love her

I hate myself.
I hate you.

I hate you as much as I hate myself.

**I hate myself for still loving you.

Black almond eyes.
Thick eyebrows.
Creases of her smile.
Creases of her frown.

Pink but nice glasses.
Easy to make her laugh.
A small nose. Like a dot in the space.
A cute voice.

Black thick hair
that reaches to her shoulder.
Laughs
of the girl

Who was the pain
and healer of my life.

**The girl.

Yesterday:
Curious.
Awkward.
Happy, but confused.
Jealous.
Cried in class.

Today:
Happy.
Glad.
Smiled often.
Hugs.
Laughter.

Back and forth. The same thing repeats.
So confusing.
Happiness,
depression.
Happiness,
depression.
Happines­s,
depression.

This is so hard. I can't figure out the real point.


**Do I love her or not?

I was very confused today.

You hung your arms around me, making an excuse, "I'm too lazy to hold my arm."
You leaned your head against my shoulder, saying, "My neck hurts."
You covered me with your arms while I put my head down.
You ate the pizza I ate out of.
You put your face close up to mine to see "if I was gay."
You called my name.
You seemed to be kinder now.
You're acting cute than usual.
You're acting different.
To me.

And I don't know if it's real. Is it for fun? Or does she at least kind of like me? Or is it just because she wants to tease me, knowing that I like her?

It's so complicated and painful to think about. What if this was all a lie?

So I've decided.


**Enjoy while I can.

"I love you."











*April fools.

I chew on my finger constantly

It's stupid alright,
I can't stop it though.

I know it will be hard to type
I know the tips of my fingers will hurt
I know my stomach will ache from the bacteria
I know my fingers will hurt

But I can't help but doing it.



It's the same as loving her.

**Knowing it will hurt. Then keep on doing it.

You

A girl who giggles and jokes around.

That kind of girl.

You

With those eyes shaped like the first quarter moon.

And the nose sticking out like a tiny dot

As if she slipped out of a cartoon book.

When *you smile

My heart threatens to drum

And my fingers start tapping a beat

That signals nervousness.

And even grumpy cat smiles.

But when you frown!

That ugliness shapes itself to beauty- cuteness even!

And I start smiling; my cheeks aches from so many.

What a person you are!

You.

A irresistible cute lad.

Annoyingly attractive

Lovely

and cute.




**You.

I thought it was a site for goodness

I thought it was a site for amazing poems and joy

But as usual, more evil than good,

More death than joy

Depression
Depression
Depression.


Can we write more good please?

I miss you
When I say that, I miss you more
I’m looking at your photo
But I still miss you
Time is so cruel
I hate us
Now it’s hard to even see each other’s faces

It’s only winter here
Even in August, winter is here
My heart makes time run
Like a Snowpiercer left alone
I wanna hold your hand
And go to the other side of the earth
To end this winter
How much longing has to fall like snow
For the spring days to come?
Friend

Like a small piece
Of dust
That floats in the air
If the flying snow is me
I could
Reach you faster

Snowflakes are falling
Getting farther away
I miss you (I miss you)
I miss you (I miss you)
How much more do I have to wait?
How many more nights do I have to stay up?
Until I can see you? (until I can see you?)
Until I can meet you? (until I can meet you?)

Past the end of this cold winter
Until the spring comes again
Until the flowers bloom again
Stay there a little longer
Stay there

Did you change?
(Did you change?)
Or did I change?
(Did I change?)
I hate even this moment that is passing
I guess we changed
I guess that’s how everything is

Yeah I hate you
Although you left
There hasn’t been a day that I have forgotten you
Honestly, I miss you
But now I’ll erase you
Because that will hurt less than resenting you

I’m blowing out the cold you
Like smoke, like white smoke
I say that I’m gonna erase you
But actually, I still can’t let you go

Snowflakes are falling
Getting farther away
I miss you (I miss you)
I miss you (I miss you)
How much more do I have to wait?
How many more nights do I have to stay up?
Until I can see you? (until I can see you?)
Until I can meet you? (until I can meet you?)

You know it all
You’re my best friend
The morning will come again
Because no darkness,
No season
Can last forever

Cherry blossoms are blooming
The winter is ending
I miss you (I miss you)
I miss you (I miss you)
If I wait a little longer (if I wait)
If I stay up a few more nights
I’ll go see you (I’ll go see you)
I’ll go pick you up (I’ll go pick you up)

Past the end of this cold winter
Until the spring comes again
Until the flowers bloom again
Stay there a little longer
Stay there

~BTS

Spring.

A joyful moment.


Birds-

chirping, and my ear translating it into music.

Hooting laughter of my friends

Repeating sneezes of my allergy


But


Still



                                        ­            **So calm....

Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends
Chopsticks and Friends





Until when are you going to write random things?

*Haha.

She entered the house of Joy
Fixed herself with broken toy

Went to find herself
Lying on a dusty shelf

Her other soul was beating
This claimed that two souls were now together
Found their partner
Relieved, her heart light as a feather

Her reflected soul looked sinned
***** and alone

It was shaped like a white doll
Wearing a dark blue suit
Twitching, responding, to a call

One thing she did not get,
was that it was wearing a pale, gray mask

Three shapes. Dot, dot, line
Perhaps forming a disturbing look of smile
Grinning happily

"What lies beneath the layer of lie?" she asks
Reaches her hand to uncover
The mask and the secret hidden

Tap. The mask falls with a sudden twitch
Revealing the wound and agony it had been hiding for centuries, waiting for it to be revealed.
But only for itself.

Tears dribble from the blank of it's eye
And crimson gore floods from the ragged mouth scattered with honey

It positions it's arm leaning toward her
Clamps over her mouth and whispers:
"Shhhhh-" with a painful grin. A real one.

Rumors and tales clinging and repeating
Of the soul who was trapped in good and honey







But inside, who was actually a **beast.

They tease me I like you
They whistle "You like her!"
And I respond, "No! I hate her!"

But I actually love you.

I love you so much I wonder if this is wrong.
I want to tell you I love you but I don't feel worthy.

I don't feel worthy.
A person like me.  
Loving a person like you.

I have no power, wisdom, beauty.
You probably hate me.

You know, actually, most of my poems are about you. See?
I'm now confused.


I don't feel worthy to like you.

If I told you I did, you would be surprised. And our distances would get more further away.



I can spill it all out here. No one will know!




















**I love you. And I've always wished you'd love me back. But we're not a good pair.

I was a fighter when I was little.

I got angry easily
and couldn't hold my anger.
It was a big deal. I would punch and kick and pinch.

My mom would get mad at me. Spank me. Telling me to control myself.

"Control your anger,"

Yeah mom well guess what?
Maybe adults aren't really that perfect. Maybe sometimes they're wrong.

Because, now? I hold my anger too much.

I am too kind.

I feel emotionless




Now I don't even know what being mad feels like.

"Would you stop hurting yourself?"

That was me before

But now I'm changed


I quit trying to be nice
I quit stop hurting myself
I quit holding my anger
I quit hiding myself
I quit everything I've been holding.

Pretend like nothing will happen

Slit a scar through my throat

Bang my head to a wall

Knowing it will hurt.

I'm tired of holding it.

The same nightmare repeating itself again and again.
Me being ignored over and over.

Let's jump into a horror of flames
Let us cut our hands of and drink the blood
Let me say hello to a group of murderers.

knowing it will hurt

No one can stop me now!
You can't do it!
I'll go wild!
See me!

Watch me you foolish small girl
See what you did to me
Small ignorant girl

See?





*Look at what you did to me now

Say it!

What's my name

Say it!

Loud and clear

Say it!

Like you mean it

"Happy happy happy!"



*Now be like that.

Scrolling through poetries

Finding myself in "messages"

"You seem so happy. How are you so happy all the time? Why are you so happy though?"

Someone had said to me.

Well, to be honest I don't really know how I am happy. I'm not even sure if I am.

I don't know why I always grin like a fool in front of my friends.

How I'm so positive. How I laugh and smile at everything.

Because....... I guess.......


It feels good.

To laugh rather than cry

To smile rather than frown.

To be happy when you know something isn't.

It feels comfortable.

Just smile at everything!

Be happy.

It feels like cuddling with blankets on a freezing winter. Cookies beside you.... warmth filling your body....

Like heaven..


I just smile.



Can you do me a favor....


And just smile.....

Smile....



Like nothing matters..... smile.....





Let's be happy, guys. : )

I look deep into the woods

"Play with me!"

Dumb looking kid waves at me.

Then she kicks me over and rolls on me and starts punching. Biting.

I run. "Who was that"

I search for myself. My real self.

I see tears               from a girl

"These isn't fair" what?

Depression. Got no time for that.

I run.

I see a fading image of a girl. This time she's with many friends.

When she reaches her hand to them- when it almost touches, they disappear. Every single one.

She cries.        I run.

Oh. Who's that?

Me? That foolish kid?

With crowds of friends?

Best friends?

Is she dumb? Doesn't she know that they will once go away?

Especially.... she knows.... that friend......... the one she liked so much, almost loved.......

Will leave her.... like told before.....


Foolish! Foolish! Idiot! What are you doing there!

What am I doing? I'm suppose to be looking for myself!

Oh.



Ohhhhhhhh.....






That's me.

I have to work

on my science project.

But is not!

Typing a poem!

Haha!

I am a young girl

Who just wants attention.

Is that bad?

All I want is a person- I don't care who

A person that will wait for me

That will care for me

That will wait for my responses to them

Will talk to me

Will be glad for me

Will actually notice me

I don't care if it's one of you

Why wouldn't someone, anyone random

Will care for me like I did to them?

Am I like a piece of lint that stays in their life for a second and pasts by?

I want to be important.

Even my talents I use to prove myself

Even my talents are failing me.

What do I do now?....

Somebody pleas help me.... SOS...

Please.. anybody.... read this.....

Help me....

Give me a warm hug...

Give me warm words.....

Give me hope and love like I did to others.....

8 poems a day.

That's a lot. Now 9 poems.

Wait- that's a haiku!

Those

Those nimble fingers of mine

keep typing

batting against the keyboard of my old computer.

With the slurping sounds of my

lips swallowing and licking

delicious noodles my mother

made.

Waiting for the yellow to appear on that lightning sign

Which means one person has noticed me. Happy.


Switching between the tabs. I see

My science project. I hate it.

Mom behind me.

I just finished my bowl of noodles.


My daily life.


What's yours

The moon whispered to me
"Where is your past"
"Where are you"
I answered*
"Hidden beneath my foolishness"

I know this is foolish

I know this is stupid

I know this is dumb.

But I feel lonely.

Some are lost.

I feel rejected.

So please,

*play with me.

I am just one voice

of the million.

One. One me.

Does that make me special? Yes. Of course it does.

But one. Out of the million. So..... common... so...plain...

I want to light up

But I am to young and weak and foolish

And no one seems to care about my words



So
             My
                       Words
                                        Sink
                                                     Into
                                                                The chasm
                                                

                                                 I feel unrecognized

Mom!
Mother!
Mommy!

Mom!

The word feel sweet in my mouth.

Mom! Mom! Mom!

There's no particular reason to say it,
I just do.

The word comforts me.
Relaxes me.
Makes me feel like wrapped in warm blankets on a cold winter.

Mom! Mom! Mom!


Why don't you say it? Just once. Please.



Mom!