YOU SAW MY SCARS AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY DREAMT OF ADDING YOUR NAME

Some people write about whom they love.
And I too, fall among this group.

But I would much rather read to those I care for.
To read and read again
The words of poets much greater than I

To memorize lines and stanzas
The same way I memorized the taste of your breath
Back when we first kissed.

To let you hear my voice run over you
Like fingers from your neck, down along your spine.
Drenching your person in my love.

I'm beginning to suffocate
The world is spinning beneath my feet
I don't understand anymore
I'm losing control

The panic sets in
I choke on air
My body trembles
I'm dying
Simply because I'm living

I'm crumbling
I've cut deep into my foundations
The cracks have spread too far
There must be something wrong
This can't all be in my head

There needs to be more
A reason why I'm like this
Someone is behind the voices
Screaming in my mind
Telling me to break and destroy
Myself

The walls are closing in
My fist and teeth clench
So hard they break
Just like my spirit has.

That first night I snuck out to see you, my knees were shaking. You asked if I was nervous. But I told you that I wasn't and it was just the night air causing me to shiver. But that was a lie. I was terrified. Nervous that I wasn't going to be good enough. But with that first kiss. I knew I was going to fall for you and I had no intention of stopping myself.

I didn't want to sleep that night because I feared that once my head hit the pillow I would wake up and it all would have been a dream. But it wasn't because we are alive and together in the morning. Now I dread my sleep. Because my dreams could never be as perfect as my reality.

Now I'm stuck laying up at night counting the hours since forever began. I am now in love with the most perfect being to ever walk the earth. And she is mine. All mine.

Inhale.
The icy air cuts your throat
Like shards of a shattered past
The incisions sting you
Like the remembrance of her
The mere thought pains you
As they rush through
Like a train,
Leaving nothing behind.

Exhale.
Your breath leaves a cloud
You hope it begins to storm
Like the thundering emotions
Rumbling though your soul
Your breath leaves you empty
With nothing left
Just like she did.

Inhale.
You begin feeling sick
Her perfume is like poison
Its intoxicating scent
Seeps into your blood
Leaving you wanting more
That you will never receive .

Exhale.
You are seeing more than stars
The lights are spinning
You feel faint
Her look has you dazed
And you fall for her.
Hard.

Inhale.
As she walks past you
And out of your life forever
Then you are overcome with sadness
From the thought of what might've been.

Exhale.
For the last time.
As the rope tightens around your neck
And you kick the chair over
And fall again, for her
With a sickening snap
All because of her.

My insides are on fire
For two reasons
I'm trying so hard to hold back the words I love you
But they keep coming back up
So I wash them back down with liquor and bleach
It eats my gut feeling that I should try again

Nothing helps anymore
I watch myself bleed apathetically
I tear an opening in my skin
And invite you back inside my heart
Instead you fight your way out
Destroying every wall I put up
I'm broken without you
Why can't you see that?
Why did I have to lose you?

I feel the second burn
As I swallow my pride
And a handful of pills
I write your name on every wall
So there is no question as to who has killed me

Falling
That's what we are doing
Slowly spinning out of control
The masks drop
Like bodies hanging from a noose

The turbulence
Of a hundred lives
Coming to an end

Throwing our hearts astray
Along with the wreckage
Strewn across this valley of despair

Wings
Ripped from our backs
As we lose altitude
Along with feeling,
Numb to our loses

Ears popping
Like celebratory bottles of champagne
Commemorating our near future deaths

The fuselage
Comes in like a missile
Prepared for utter destruction

Touchdown
The landing gear didn't deploy
You were unprepared
As were those watching
In pure terror

At the scene of our death.

There's no thrill in a roller coaster that only goes up.
A constant fear of falling is all we breed.
Why place ourselves somewhere we could get hurt?

Because we need the downhills.
Without them,
We have nothing accelerating us forwards.

Sitting in a coffee shop
Pouring out my soul
Like the hot drink in my cup
The words burn my tongue
As they fall off my lips
And into your unforgiving hands

I drink in your poison
Knowing that it will **** me
But I don't care
I want you to

I love your taste
Your scent
Your everything
But I can't have it
I never will
I'll never deserve it

And I guess that's why I'm here
By myself
Sitting alone
At a table for two
Waiting for someone
That will never come

I'm alone and I always will be
It is something that I need to accept
Because it will never change

Things were meant to be this way
I have no control
I never have
Control is an illusion
It is unobtainable

One day I hope to find
Someone that will fill
This empty seat
And bandage the burns
From holding on too tight
To the sides of my cup

Someone to blow off the steam
Slowly rising like a flame
Watching out for me
As my guardian angel
Looking as if you just left heaven
And not like you've caused my hell.

There will come a day when the pain will stop
And it will not be the day I die
It will come from a different source
Some place holy
Some place beautiful
Some place like the corners of your smile
Where I can hide away from my fears
And feel normal

In the Blue-green hue of your eyes
And the gentle flow of your hair between my fingers
I could stay there forever
Without worry
Or sorrow

The tap of your fingers on your pencil
Quake through my mind
Sending fissures through my heart
You’ve changed the landscape of my body
Goose bumps rise like mountains from the earth
When words fall from your lips
Into my soul

The voices in my head are quite around you,
And no one else.

But you didn’t feel the same
At first,
I thought things would be different this time
I’d be able to keep you
But I should’ve known
You were too good to be true
I’d never deserve you

You were absolute perfection
I fell for you at an accelerated velocity
It shouldn’t have happened
I had put up so many walls
Around my dying, broken heart
And you found a way in
You learned my secrets
You learned me

I told you all the ways that I had been broken
And you wanted to fix them
But all you did was reopen the cracks in my soul
I was torn to bits
My razors were no longer retired
The pills began to scream again.
You’ll never see the scars
Carving your name into my skin

I don’t want to burden you with the thoughts
That you were the cause of both
My joy
And distress
My hopes
And my relapse

You’ve changed me more than you will ever know
I almost wish we had never met
But then I would have never know true beauty
Or learned of how the sunrise
Mirrors the setting of a moon.

Looking back,
I wouldn’t change a thing
You came into my life for a reason
You may have taught me some lesson
That I have yet to realize
But I will soon understand

And for that,
I thank you.
For the pain,
The relief,
The yearning,
The realizations.

You are the worst,
Most beautiful thing,
That has ever come into my life.
You are an unknowing tormenter of my heart
You broke me,
Without even realizing it

I now hide behind the mask of a forced smile
And an insincere laugh
I put on a façade of happiness
For you
So that you will never know what you did to me

I will not taint your optimism
Know that you are a helper
And not a harmer
You have stopped the blade
More than you have ran it through my veins

You are someone that creates
Not destroys
I’m sorry for making you into a monster
And pillager of my hope.
When all I wanted
Was to make myself safe
In the corners of your smile.

1 became 10
And 10 became 20
Then 20 slowly grew to 100
They multiplied until they consumed not only my flesh
But my soul

The darkness seeps back in through my neck,
It flows down along my spine,
Filling me with dread.
Drowning my soul in loathe and self-hate.
My lips gasp for air,
Screaming your name,
Begging for you to help me.

But you've long since forgotten the sound of my voice
And how it used to whisper "I love you"
All those cold nights spent talking about forever.
Yet this is how I will end.

I wasn't lying when I said I would love you for the rest of my life,
I just thought you'd still love me back.
The darkness flows over my body as I sink.
My final breath has been taken.
I release it like the cold breeze that nipped at our intertwined fingers.
Even the bubbles know how to leave me when I need them most.
They hit the surface,
I hit the bottom.

A few more seconds and I will be free.
With the courage only the dying have,
I inhale.
Flooding my lungs.
I close my eyes.
I am at rest.
The pain won't last much longer.
Then I am gone.

I feel empty and hollow

I am empty of the tears
That used to stream down my cheeks
In a never ending river of pain
Drowning me in my own sorrows

I am empty of the hope
That I would one day get better
That there're still places without pain
I now know that pain is everywhere
There is no escape from it

I am empty of the joy
That used to fill me at the sight of you
That I would feel with loved ones

I am empty of it all
I cannot be filled by anything
My heart has become a bottomless pit
I am constantly falling
Farther and farther into the darkness
That is depression

It lingers over you
Always there
It becomes your entire being
While still leaving you
Empty.

As the weather changes
I begin to start anew
I have become so much greater
There are things that I still have
Left from the old
But they are now mixed with the new

I have moved on
You are no longer my greatest desire
You stopped trying
So I did the same
In the end it will be better
But for now,
I still feel a twinge in my heart
When our eyes meet

I have found something new
Something wonderful
Though it could never be quite the same
It will be close
My heart can still be filled.

Not with the gold of your hair
Or the cheer of optimism
But by the dark black of a midnight rose
That will only bloom for me.
One without thorns that will stab me
When all I want to do is hold you.

The petals will not wither
Or fall like tears upon my cheek
To be blown away
And leave forever.

She will be different
She will care
She will not leave me in pain
She will not break my heart and soul
To leave me with nothing.

There is no lack of perfection
You need not change a thing
Form the tender years of your life
You began to
Hate,      \
Change,    Yourself
Starve,    /

You are utter beauty
No one should feel like this
Your four days,
Of unholy fast,
Must come to an end.

You are beginning t eat yourself
Form the inside out,
You are dying.
The shaking of hunger
Cause your body to tremble
In fear of what you are doing

This is not a willing decision
You've always been like this.
Without reasonable explanation.
No logical backing.
You are perfect.

I believe in you
Always and forever,
You have the strength
To overcome the hunger.

It’s a warmth
That wraps its self around my heart
Amplifying its beating against my ribs
No longer like they are a cage,
But the strings of the human instrument.

Playing a song no ear can interpret.
Unless it is held close
With arms blanketing.
Now surrounding my entire body
With the same warmth that enveloped my heart

You have brought peace

You have brought comfort

After an accident, people always talk about how they are “lucky to be alive.” I’ve always felt the opposite. If I were lucky I would have been stuck down by some Godly force years ago, not missed death by mere inches. So I guess I’m praying for a new kind of miracle. A cancerous, twisted metal, kind of miracle.

As much as it seems like I want to die, I’m not completely suicidal. I’ve just embraced the reality of death much too soon. And I’d rather be a free soul than trapped in some rib cage. There’s a difference between wanting to die and living apathetically.

I’m impatiently awaiting my expiration date. As it inches closer and closer I begin to lose my grip on my surroundings. I’m starting to worry that one day I’ll wake up and life will be indistinguishable from the dreams in which I fly. Fearing I may vault from the rooftops, only to come hurling downward. To become nothing more than another statistic.

I wake up and face the harsh reality that I am still living in a world without purpose and it hurts. It ******* hurts. I’m so tired of merely existing. If I can’t live to the fullest, give me death.

It enters any way it can
While it is here it destroys all it can
Leaving nothing in its path
There is no escape From the pain

The pain can escape from within us.
Sadly,
It can only leave through cuts and burns.
To get our release
We must harm ourselves.

Until we do,
We will feel it,
Crawling around under our flesh
Eating away our hope.

The only escape we have from pain,
Is pain its self.

Why does wanting you always have to be synonymous with not wanting myself?

It’s been days now and I still haven’t slept because my dreams are the only place you still exist.

And finding you there and not in the real world is too painful to relive each day.

But I’m getting tired now and I think I’ve found a way we can be together.

The doctor said they’d help me sleep so I’ll take them all tonight.

Soon I’ll be back in your arms without the rude awakening that morning brings.

There are no prizes at the end
You earn them along the way
Each of us starts
And ends
At different time
There is no telling when we stop
Unless we make ourselves

They say life is a race

Along our course, we'll
Love and hate,
Learn and forget,
But most importantly,
We grow
We become who we are
And find ourselves
Many will not like what they find

They say life is a race

When we finish
What lies there after?
Will we forget the pains and sorrows?
Which we have all encountered.
Or will they linger forever on?

They say life is a race.

We are all racing towards death
From the second we are born
We are dying
This is life
And death
Because

They say life is a race.

Time is slowly passing,
We are all moving towards our final days.
All that we've done,
All that we ever will do,
It won't matter in the end.

The only things of importance
Will be the people we've changed.
In our lives we will meet many
We will fall in and out of love,
We will be broken.

But we will also help,
Anyone and everyone who needs it,
We can change the lives of so many
Without even realizing it.

We should not look to others
To provide meaning in our lives.
We should look to provide
The meaning for others.

A constant rumble has found itself trapped in the back of your thoughts.
To you,
This is normal.

They've always been there,
The voices,
But now they're growing louder.
You can hear their words.

They can show you things.
Things no one can see
Things that aren't really there

And you listen

You follow his orders
He's the one in charge, right?

"Take the pills,
Grab the knife,
Bite the gun."

Do not question him.
The others become angry
They tell you what you really are.

"A waste,
A disappointment,
Useless."

And so you listen.
You're lead to the bathroom
Where the screams crack mirrors
And your ears will bleed.

"Taste gunpowder...
You will free them,
They will be happier."

One shot is heard.
Then a laugh.
He has won
Again.

And a new voice is heard in the crowd.

I am many things,
Strong is one of them
Not just physically
But mentally
I have been through
More than you
Could ever imagine

I have struggled
And triumphed
But through it all
I was also weak.

I broke myself
I tore at my skin with razors
I poisoned my veins
With drugs meant to help.

I simply wanted an escape
I tried to leave it all behind
More than once
I attempted to end it.

When I saw a sign
And I knew there must be more
More than the pain
There would be light
At the end of the tunnel

From the moment I knew
That things would get better
I would find a way
And I did.

I've since stumbled
But it will never be that dark
I know what they say
"The world is a horrible place"
And it is

There is too much pain,
Too much suffering.
But there is still life
And there is still hope.