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 Feb 2021
WickedHope
Watch me come and then you go...
Why I hoped I'll never know.
Your smirks were sick,
Like it was a game,
Like after your ****
I'd never be the same.

You knew I was desperate for someone to care.
Yet you'd please yourself and make me stare.
Why cradle rob and share dreams of ****?
Why lie to keep me, not letting me escape?
I guess I let myself be your toy,
And made you into mine.
I was already destroyed,
What were more fines?

My debts to pay were already so steep,
I guess I thought I deserved it, letting you leech.
I dared to dream though.
That was my mistake,
Ever wanting you
To be more than a snake.

You speak like the words are blood letting, you say I ruined you.
Well I'm sorry you sick **** that you didn't get to ruin me too.
This world makes us savage, doesn't it
 Feb 2021
WickedHope
Whisper to me without words
Give me an eternity in an instant
Show me a new galaxy in a glance
Dazzling constellations contained in your eyes
Like a nebula, exploding, expanding with each moment we share
Kaleidoscope colors
Glistening and changing at a pace that feels like fireworks
But looks like stars
Stare into my soul with those hazel-green eyes
For my husband. I miss you so infinitely that I do not have words to describe the emptiness that is where you belong.
 May 2020
WickedHope
I look in the direction I know you to be
Though I cannot see you
On the opposite shore of this sea

I lay looking at stars and wonder
Do you see them too
Or are clouds all you're under

In my mind, daily I call, I write
In reality I sit captive here
In the dark unable to fight

The wind tangles my hair in knots
When I go for a walk
Near the coast, skipping rocks

If I am still and listen long enough
The water speaks it's wisdom
Giving advice, voice smooth and rough

It begs me to walk across to you
Through a wild sea
Sinking into cold greys and blues

I heed the call, waves flooding overhead
Following the letters I never sent
And cry out from my sweat-soaked bed
 Nov 2019
WickedHope
Tick...
Tick...
Tick
...
I am wrapped in duck tape
And C4
Tick...
Breathing feels dangerous
Or would be, if I could anymore
Tick...
My eyes are trapped open
Though I wish desperately they would shut
Tick...
I'm torn between panic
And not giving a ****
Tick...
Moving even an inch
Is horrific enough
Tick...
So I'm stopped by fear
That I'll blow everything
                                                 up.
I'm getting married soon holy ****.
 Jul 2019
WickedHope
My left hand is heavier now
Though I feel light
I'm floating
Like I'm underwater
But free of pressure

I am dancing and swirling and soaring
In a sea of our own creation
I am blissfully at peace

We both exhausted ourselves to get here
And I wouldn't trade it for the world

The moment did arrive
And we remain frozen
Until the thaw long awaited, due at winter,
We are here

Nearly done waiting
Finally done searching

I've found my favorite constellation
Beautiful, it covers your bones
Only a few months and then I get a new last name
 Sep 2018
WickedHope
I once felt like words gave me power
Like they gave my quiet shell of a self a leg to stand on
Now I feel like I have none left to speak, to write
I've been drained of verbs and left broken -- immobile
My adjectives fall soft and simple, even the deaf don't pretend to hear
It's strange
Being so far removed from the one you called yourself
I don't know what there is left for me to say
It's like being a young musician on stage
And people have slowly stopped cheering as they realized
You have no more tunes left to play
Yet I've stood frozen, stuck, despite myself
I'm waiting for them to come back
The words
The crowds
The self that I used to know
That I thought I did know
I haven't a clue to where they've left, to where they'll go
But I hope that they find it
The messages they seek
I can no longer provide them
My inkwell bone dry
My spirit missing it's former vibrance, now dully meek
They once called me wicked
I thought it ironically sweet
That for someone so bitter
Many worshiped me
Hiii...
It's been a while, I think, since you all got a nice wordy note from me.

I've been writing poetry for...8? 9? years now... And I've gotta say, I legit cannot tell if I've gotten better or worse. I used to write because I was ****** at life, or violently angry with myself, or if I wanted to do bad things. I don't feel like that anymore. Pretty much never. I've survived some ****, but now (all things considered at least) I'm starting to thrive a bit. When I was at my height of popularity on this site, or at least what my very ****** up and disillusioned perceptions gathered to be the height of it, I was sick. I was having regular dissociative episodes, was severely depressed, engaging in self harm in a variety of forms nearly daily, and very suicidal. If anyone is going through some ****, please seek help, and hold on. I promise it gets better. But yeah. When I was very aggressively using this site as an outlet, I amassed a good sized follower count and trended almost daily. The only poem I ever had make daily poem (which btw was toward the beginning of my worst downward spiral ever) was about hanging myself. Like what the **** lol. But if I helped people -- or even just one someone somewhere -- feel less alone, then I'm glad. But ever since I had started to get better I got less attention here. Which is kinda a weird feeling. I'm not sure if it's cause my writing started to **** or if I got less 'interesting' for lack of a better term, or maybe a mix. Or maybe it's all the changes this site has had over the past 4 years since I joined. Either way, it's weird... I feel like I don't know how to keep writing or improve... Idk, I'm just kinda...
stuck. ...This has been a stream of consciousness.

Anyway, I love you all. And in a special way those of you who have left this world for another. I will never forget you.
Pax,
Wicked
 Sep 2018
WickedHope
Crying in the street
Tears run thick
And I don't bleed
Contrast of how it used to be

Lying on the grass
Still and quiet
I don't dare laugh
No desire to fight it

People drive past
I don't stare
I scroll through likes instead
Likes though no one cares

Someone tries to speak
But they are mute
I don't like listening now
Tuning out's the only way not to lose

I'm not the same
So much has changed
Yet it's also deja vu
Years later I recognize you
 Apr 2018
WickedHope
It's prickly and has one yellow bloom

It's not much, I know

It's painful and protruding

Like the worst memories that slice through the good

But soft and warm with a welcoming glow

Rigid and stiff but beautiful and exotic

Proof that there is joy found in the desert
For my dearest lover, my greatest friend,
my most treasured confidant, my companion 'till the end.

Happy (early) Anniversary.
 Mar 2018
Beaux
“Life is a precious thing. I've learned that in my time on this earth.”
Life is a precious thing. I’ve learned that in my time on this earth.

“15 whole years of being a speck in oblivion.”
Seventeen years of being a speck in oblivion.

“I'm crying as I speak these words. I wish I could have made a mark on this world.”
This time I’m not crying as I write this. I see that I don’t need to make my mark.

“You know...... Just one thing to be remembered by. God this is so fault in our stars.”
I don’t need to be remembered widely. Living in a few hearts is all I need.

“I'm not ready for this. Three weeks to do what? Sit here and rot away?”
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready but everyday is a gift to live and enjoy.

“Sleep and say goodbye to everyone I care about. This isn't how life should work.”
Goodbyes will never get easier but they’re never forever and that’s how life should work.

“You're supposed to grow old with the man of your dreams and tell stories to your grandkids.”
I’m going to grow old with the love of my life and recall my glory days with them.

“To get married and run off with cans on the back of your car.”
I’m going to get married in an old church and drive off in a classic car.

“I haven't even gotten to go to prom and dance with the guy I like.”
Prom this past year was amazing. I’ve never felt more loved than dancing in his arms.

“Because I don't care what people think. I want to go to college and stress out about school and homework and tests.”
I could care less what people think. I’m going off to college next year. I’m stressed about applications, and homework, and papers.

“That’s what teenagers do. They don't have to worry about how long their going to live and if their best friend will come and say goodbye.”
That’s just what teenagers do. I’m lucky that I no longer have to worry about how long I’m going to live.

“They have two arms and two legs. They do sports and hang in groups.”
I’m missing one of my legs. I run track and play basketball. I see my friends most every weekend.

“They go to the mall and the skate park. They don't have to care about anything, but I can't help but care because I can't stand see someone suffer the way I have.”
We hang out at the mall and each others’ houses. We all care about something, we’ve all felt pain, and we all don’t want another to feel the pain we’ve had.

“I know things could be worse, but they could be better too.”
Things could always be worse, but they don’t get better than this.
A response to 15 year old me's poem "Me ranting and Crying about wanting what can never happen"
 Dec 2017
Beaux
Beyond my faded skin is more than you can see
Beyond my glassy eyes is more than you can know
Beyond my broken frame is more than you can understand

You don't look beyond
You think you know
You don't really understand

All you see is my crumbling skin
All you know are my foggy eyes
All you understand are my collapsing bones

You don't take the time to look beyond
 Oct 2017
WickedHope
"I love you."
Words can't touch me anymore.
My skin is coated in lies
Nothing penetrates.
My last hope is caught in my throat
And I can't swallow it,
Bumps and bruises are hidden behind
"I'm fine," "I'm just tired."
Words are branded into my skin.
They have left layers of scars
So thick there's no room left to carve -
So imprinted there's nothing left to root.
Nothing more to say to boot.
Prickly like a porcupine, consonants stick off of me,
Petruding like my long buried personality
Used to,
Like my personality used to.
Vowels form a new face of expressions
I was once able to pen for myself
But now
I can't.
I wear words instead of speak them;
I wear words like a coat of armor on top of my numb skin.
I swear words don't even touch me anymore.
There is no need to carry a shield ,
Instead you built for me a castle.
And I'm somewhere inside,
Untouched.
Not my best.
 Oct 2017
WickedHope
There will be a morning
Like all the rest
When you turn over and open heavy lids
As you exit slumber you are startled
Because you are alone

You fell asleep alone
Yet you will be surprised
You call out, remembering the lives that once mingled with yours
They can be heard calling back
But they are not calling back to you

You lay in your nest
Wondering how all the birds flew away
When you've barely hatched
Just missing Kevy lately.
 Oct 2017
WickedHope
i could feel your eyes on me as i laughed
i looked up across the room and there you were
looking straight back
you weren't wearing your glasses
and i don't know about your contacts
so i don't know how much of me you could see
even though i've shown you more than most will ever
i'm sorry for that burden
that painful privilege
i hope you could see me today
well enough to notice my hesitation before i looked back
to the source of my cheer
you are the source of confusion
my desire has been untangling itself but i fear i'll never be free
and i'll be stuck under your gaze
while you continue to not love me
It was funny.
Until I saw you,
Then I was a little sad.
My glasses don't help me see you any clearer love.
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