A rolling raindrop
and ax blade on the bark meet
At cross roads head long.

So you think you know me,
For I tell you all I feel?

Enn Omane (my dearest),
I haven't even begun to say
What I fail to feel.

The colors I wished to touch
I finally did on a still wild parrot
Beneath the electric pole
That woke up now and then
In angry alien blabber.

I don't know if I like
Those colors any more.

They whine and cry-
"This country is going to the dogs."
They complaint and protest-
"Down with this corrupt government."
They crib and blame-
"Pull down those lazy thieving *******."

But when it's time, on Election day
They take the day off, they holiday
The Whining Losers, they say -
"Ah, let a few Morons go and vote
I am above politics,
What matter's it to me."

Dare you not raise another finger,
Dare you not whine and complaint.
You're not a part of democracy.
You're what this country bears in vain.

In your anger
you opened your heart.
I saw the picture
you painted of me.
What baseness!
Only recognizable point
is the fullness
of my lips that look
freshly invaded.

Some things never
change, though feelings do.

Feelings change.
Every lub-dub that
disturbs the surface
Shrieks at me - you liar!
You two-faced *****,
Begone! Even Eros dare not
let you be loved again.

A tear or two wash down
the wounds fresh on flesh
Surfacing charred waste
of what you once cherished in me.

Your colour
Your texture
Your form
Everything attracts me

There could be no reprieve
There could be no solace

I would sit all day
With you in my head
Let you consume me
As I drink you
Savoring every jolt
Your taste brings to my senses.

If only that stirs me,
Otherwise I am just oblivious
To life and to others.
For them, I'm a drunkard,
For you, your most intimate lover.

The day
undated,
The moment
unannounced,
The experience
unexpected.

Helplessness.

It will soon be morning
Amma walks the backyard
Collecting flowers
The best for the Goddess
Who does nothing but sit
At her ivory throne
Sweets and diyas around
Her face with a pasted smile
I have so wished to wipe out.

Appa's snore shake the walls
I imagine his moustache
Shivering under the onslaught
Before he's off to the stores
He would want his breakfast
With Anna on his right side
Telling Appa all about school
And his stagnant progress
While Appa nods and laughs.

And after they would leave
I will then open my books
Where wonders of world hide...
Till then, I make breakfast.

Thinking is an
overused
abused
undermined
misunderstood
under-understood
gene­ralised
washed-out
Concept.

Language has killed it,
or rather people have.
The world now goes -
"Thinking is such a waste of time"

I am now thinking
how they got there
Without wasting their time.

What a waste of time!

I looked down a high cliff
at a restless ocean below,
I climbed the proud mountains
crowned with lofty clouds,
I reached the serene jungles
sitting in silent pride,
I did not find it...
I visited the richest nawabs
in their castles and towers,
I ate with the lowliest creatures
whom language didn't own,
I met the right-hands and mouths
of Gods we know from pages,
yet, I didn't find it...
At last, lost in thought
I walked by a crowd
Some in white, some in black, some in uniform.
All turned to a majestic but still figure
In an honored embrace of the Tricolour
Twenty-one guns and croaking crows later
I heard a little girl's cry -
"Keta 9GR ko ** ke hoena" - ** ** **
The tears never ceased,
The roar never stopped
With faltering steps, the brave-heart...
There.
I found it,I found inspiration.

(Refer to the notes)

After hours in train
Twisting and turning
Through endless tracks
The country of God
Welcomes me with
Precipitation and sweaty hugs
Love-high shivering grandparents
In a hot ancient house
Surrounded by remnants
Of Dad's childhood.
I share something divine.
I am home, yet not mine

Can violence be countered
Only by violence?
To be equals, we must riot
To be just, we must fight
Why every government every state
Furthers the hate mandate
Even
To show love we must ****
Or the enemies will
We say we want justice and peace
Why, why then this malice?
Where does our heart lie
As we slaughter and die?

The writer's table is vacant.
The Poet's papers fly amok.
The Painter's brush is stuck in hardened paint..
Pictures have been pulled down
and burnt with the fire of intolerance.
Theatres have been vandalised
and stages are silent, empty.
The jobless critic looks for a prey,
hence, there are fewer flies and mosquitoes

The point has been proved
You do we say, we say you do
for our feet are sticky with squishy remains
of pens and easels and words...
No songs will be written, no tales told
We live with fire, in fire, by fire
What else can we do but burn?
We equate Force with Peace, so,
Don't ask - where are the Artists?

The Artists are dead.

Below an unsatisfied stomach,
Between tired legs,
I hold your future.
That which you conceal
and exploit as pleasure
That which you call
a Woman's Bane,
I claim it back.
I celebrate - not in victory,
But in vengeance.

Like it, Hate it
The truth won't change.
You might say religion,
Or mask it in Karma,
Or just call it sad,
That turn of events were.
Like Pontus Pilate
You will never ever
Wash your hand off,
Never Wash off the blood.
Worse, you will never
Be remembered in prayer.
Purgatory will turn on you.
Where will you go
When thousands grab you,
Where will you go
When riots burn you?
For all those who were cut
and burnt even in wombs,
You will answer how?
No Hindutva will save.
No rioter will survive.
Like it, Hate it.

The last few evenings have been revealing.

A few discarded mugs,
A few balled sheets
of paper and what not,
A few dreams half painted
on cheap chart papers.
In all that mess, a single voice
soundlessly telling stories...

There was never much to say,
There was never much to hear.

If only living could be
in the number of charts
and balled sheets,
In mugs used and thrown
about a room that reeks
of neglect and disillusionment.

If only living could be
In the monsoon of mess,
In the drought of tears,
In the freezing of feelings,
In the ocean of fears,
In hands that held,
In shrines visited,
In songs of adulation,
In fingers of accusation,
In hopes and desperation,
Or even in lone portations...

I'd say, I've lived a lifetime,
Sure, I feel old.

What are we? 20 - somethings
Depressed and angry
Giving days of our best years
to this or that MNC
Nights, we sit with a beer
and use the dim pub lights
and noise to hide tears
That flow unchecked, without reason..
Or maybe for something that's not reason.
Moving away from those closest
to us - we don't take rejection well
So better push than get pushed.
What we will pass to our progeny
would be tales of vicious companies
That we offered our youth to,
Hoping they would value
Life more than luxury.

If you find an island
Off your lonely sail
Trail the way
Send it back.
Some day, just in case
You decide you need me,
I shall come in find.
Till then, I bob
My way in ocean blind.

What is it about this night that attracts me?
It's the same dark Indian sky - a battle-field
of grey and pink clouds, scattered stars.
A biker at my door step nodding in acknowledgement.
The next moment I am a pillion zooming past
dusty streets and honking cars - such chaos.

What is it about this night that calls me?
It's the same old destination - more trees
and lesser people. A highway as a leeway
to all perils of this hateful city.
This ride is a big U-turn and I'll be back
To the same cacophony, same city trash.

What is it about this night that strikes me?
It's the same me, wearing the same old pair of jeans,
A jacket to meet the cold, kohl in my eyes.
Same oggling at the silent, cold night
Still searching for something eventful to happen
Till the cold chills me and I wish my haven.

Not until you reached for my numb hand on my knee
And placed it on your warm, alive chest, Not until
I felt the rhythmic thud within, did I realize
What is so special - It was feeling reality and acceptance -
Life is so much more than just me. It's in the wide
night sky that cuddles me, in every person with a heart
that beats, in every moment you allow yourself to get old
and live with experiences, in places, with you.

It's a new season now,
But I still hold the snow
from last winter when
you left me frozen
fed by a cold, cold heart.

If ever the sun shines
too bright, too warm, to ignite,
I will let me burn first
Before the snow melts.
I'd be consumed before
Your memories get touched.

We tripped on our words
My Lord, they can hurt
Why go the same road
For life we abhorred
We've done some wrongs
Over bars and bongs
Let's skip the routine
Of counting the falls
Go all the way off
Than be half and half.
The wounds are too deep
Our path too steep
Let's find a little shade
and nurse the scars
Let's give and take
Of what we make
No heaven, no hell
For us to wait
We live through others
In names and tongues
My love, you and I
Till we're undone.

The line of vehicles never end
I wonder where they're off to
All speeding, occasionally screeching
furiously honking and shouting,
I wonder where they are off to.
They come in all colours,
they go away in darkness
I sit by the window day after day
Wondering where they go off to.

This morning I was just me -
Detached from the past, estranged from time
I chased emptiness down the streets
Like a lost soul searching something divine
People walked past, people pushed by
I felt like a complete non-entity
Until you stopped, loooked at me in the eye
And stole away the last bit of sanity

I sat next to you, the sun going down,
Enveloped in the shadowy gown.
The shadows growing longer,
Your eyes shining brighter,
The moonight reflected in them as clearly as in a silent pool.

You smile, you turn away, you laugh.
I can see you shaking with mirth
The straight line of your back bent forward
In your hands a spell that captured beauty, captured moments
And you went back to them, with you me - revelling in nature.

The wind shifting spikes of your hair
There is something magical the way your sad eyes move
They seek peace, they seek love, they seek finesse.
I stutter, I stumble, I might not be any of these.
But I know I would always understand. I would be there.
If not with you, somewhere; still understanding.

The stars are up now, my hope is bright
If not forever, let it be for tonight.

Greetings and thank you for coming,
I'm so grateful for your generosity, in
Fulfilling my need – How charitable.
Please take a seat, please be comfortable.

Kindly ignore the mess and bowing parents,
Adorable, but they are not significant.
Prime are you, with your gaze discern
me, a superwoman, I cook, clean and earn.

I might look fiery but I'm sober and calm.
Feeble, delicate, no threat, no harm.
And oh so fertile! I can bear generations,
But lack a suitable man, and marriage decorations.

So you smile and you nod, should I say it's a Yes?
Oh please, be kind, do not digress.
You are the ones I've been waiting to serve,
I'm just a woman, nothing else to live for.

In this artery
Of your thoughts
I have claimed
Haves and Nots
Beat down d'pulse
That betrays us
Walk my plains
In exodus
Reach a knot
High and hot
In the deepest
Crevices, revive
Your last hopes
In there lies
Riches of beyond
You'll learn someday
We're always there
Collecting souvenirs
Life after life.

Price of your company...
To kneel in absence,
believing in miracles
for a non-existent presence
after a brief incident.
Take me to my grave,
Let me take a peek
and decide if it's time.
Don't worry my living.
I have been at it,
Forever living, forever digging.

I look at you from obscure corners
Your sight is what keeps me going
Those sly smiles, those carefree eyes
Those loaded remarks are my best mates
If I didn't care, i'd take them from you
I'd make them my own to love and to hate
If I didn't care I'd break my rules
To take you in the most intimate embrace
I'd should show you life as you've not known
I would show you life's pretty face.
If I dint care I'd take a lifetime
To know you bit by bit
But fate and luck have abandoned us...
So we go our own ways to live, alone in a crowd
Alone in a world full of people we pretend to care.

Taken from the most
Intimate corners and
Crevices of my heart,
Written from the deepest
And darkest ounce
Of my now dried blood,
Shown in the most
Painful and lasting lines
Etched on my palms..

Is the fact you came,
You celebrated,
You exploited, and
You got left behind.
Evidence that I prevail.

Nkem,
With endless love,
with faith
A heart, they say, is won.
In that hope
these thousand nights
But mine, to claim, is none.
Nkem,
Are a thousand nights
all I can get
For you, for me, for us?
A thousand lonely
Nights in wait
For one night to be just.
Nkem,
Let it be sung,
A song out loud
A song of love and pain,
So that never
a thousand nights'
Vigil be gone in vain.

Sometime last night
I woke, I saw you beside me
In an incomplete darkness
I saw the rising and setting,
The warmth and heat, the spell of a skipped hearbeat.

Your eyes only barely closed
Light dancing in the shadow
of your lashes - swift, untamed
Arms still curved in a hug
Where I had snuggled close, Where I had kissed your brows

The whispers of last words
from the night's conversations
Still linger somewhere – ethereal
In a twisted life I have had.
Smoldering a need so alien so new, a need to be with you.

How you knelt and held me,
How you opened your heart,
The flow of words hit me so hard.
The depth and sincerity curled my skin,
I knew, for all that's true I was in, I knew I had fallen in.

You should know how in the heart
of a soul lost, wounded and scarred
You kindled hope, perhaps undeserved
But, I wouldn't rest it just there, I reckoned
I would walk till wherever this led, I would walk it till the end.

It matters not
The number of bottles
Or the number of excuses...
After reaching a point
It matters not
The number of stories
Of injustice and heartbreak...
After saying and doing
It matters not
The number of nights sleepless
And unattended calls....

What matters is, that it matters not.

Let my beaten heart take console
That you, my dear friend,
Have been, and are by my side.
What but that, I live by?
True as you have been to me,
Your worth is beyond my price.
I might be a lot of things, but not
A deserter. I am the same within.
All I ask is a little more faith
And not ask where I've been all day
For how can I, my dearest, confess
That I have been busy making mistakes.

Really, now,
You want Reality?
Take it.

A six year old gangraped.
A father and son shot dead.
A mother's womb slit, spilt open.
A teen with eighteen bones broken.
An old man's head sent flying.
A soldier on field left dying.

Are you kidding me?
You still want Reality?

A plane full of people lost, sunk.
A mass ****** with a mad gun.
A child killed to make a human bomb.
A daughter beheaded for marrying wrong.
A massacre followed by a public celebration.
Using religion, tradition, justice for desolation.

Are you ******' kidding me?
You still want Reality?
Here, take it.
This Is Reality.

Behold my tradition
I break bonds
To make new ones.
I change name
To renew identity.
I sever roots
And sow new hopes.
I forget reality
To live in dreams.

All in vain.

Hopeless.

Let there be a world
That's more meaningful.
Let there be a world
Where I live for me.

After being approached
After being treasured
After being caressed
After being touched
After being devoured
After being harassed
After being violated
After being enslaved

I realized what a big mistake it was
I realized Mistakes are for Ever.

I was sewing
With my left knee
Over my right
A song played
Behind my eyes
And words fell on
The patterns stitched.
Time is so treacherous.
Decades later I sit
Lost in your youthful face
The first time you
Looked deep within..
Time has preserved you,
Time has raced me.
My wrinkled hands shake
Remembering carefree days.
Time has held you safe
In its eternal *****.
I looked up at the clock
It's time. Time to let go
Of this pain and agony
Time to move to the next leg
Of another beautiful journey.

There is no meaning
Spare the language
Books and notes
Don't  matter anymore
No reason why
We do what we do
Nothing to fight for...
They decide who we are
Who we ought to be
While they smirk
We forget smiles
A hollow mind
A hollow soul
A hole drilled through the heart
God-sent
...
We are left sprinting
weekend to weekend

I see your hesitant nods
I understand your doubts
I hear your second thoughts
Believe me, they are mine too.

Not until I met you
Not until we decided the "I do's"
Not until we showed our colours true
Did there come a purpose
To take down the odds
To challenge doubtful thoughts
To take the riskier shots
To decide to be with you

But You should know, pain never comes twice
After once, it becomes experience, then habit

A person hurts someone only once
And then, becomes a sadist

A person bears the pain only once
And then, becomes Me.

My Lord, My Lord
You never said give to you
But in your name I Claim.

My Lord, My Lord
You ever loved me more
But I took you to the cross.

My Lord, My Lord
You promised forgiveness
But I condemned all others.

My Lord, My Lord
I knock on your doors
Why have you forsaken me?

It’s not been all so long, but,
Why does it seem like ages?

Only yesterday we loved, we argued.
Today we spoke again as strangers.
And later I saw you in the marketplace.
You looked perfect, you were, Always.

Not alone, were you? Your beautiful company,
I did not miss her, nor did so anybody.
Scarlet against the grey world, so charming her face
Held you in place. Does it matter? You’ve forgotten me anyways.

It’s not been all so long, but,
Why does it seem like ages?

Just now you passed me in the village fair,
You looked, turned back again and again.
Those piercing eyes following in a mad chase,
You sought me out. Remember if only, those sensuous days?

I cried the day you left.
I knew you'd never return.
I tried to strangle your memories in different ways,
But you brought them back, you and Scarlet in marketplace.

A broken branch sways,
the only movement,
Everything else as still as a painting
My steps crush what remains.
A busy worm drills
the earth. I feel like saying,
"Stop you idiot, don't waste
the last bit of yourself"
There is nothing here except death.
I can smell it, It curls my skin
My hair stands, a chill runs down
under the cruel afternoon sun.
It dries my mouth before I open it.

It was all green, until the two-legged beasts came
They ripped apart my home, my family
And years later when I return
I realized this was no returning,
this was no coming back,
This was the End.

I try to think
Of a million things
To avoid one thought
That is you.
And yet,
It's like reaching out
of a swamp.

The more I try
to get free
The deeper I fall.

If feelings could be heard,
I would hear a thousand bells
Chiming in autumn wind
Every time you breathe
Too close to my neck.

On some days
I feel overwhelmed
While on some other days
I feel like an idiot
For feeling and expressing
For confessing and exposing
More than what people expect.
Sadly, they expect me to be
More than they expected
And I expect, to be all and more.

One Evening
Four words
New Beginning
Of Hopes
Of Desires
Of Conflicts

One Night
Few Confessions
Towards Termination
Of Dreams
Of Plans
Of Peace

Let there be more.

More dreams, more dares,
More scandalous affairs,
More lust, more zeal,
More unfair deals,
More to every lie,
More rules defied,
Let there be more of these.

Let there be more.

More cream on pies,
More curt than wise,
More sugar, no sweet,
More death, no disease,
More than what you can,
More than every man,
Let there be more of it.

Let there be more,
Till you realise,
You wish for less,
Less would suffice,
To fill the gap of More.

Make peace
Make peace with this world
Be wise, be blind
This life is a dream
With only requiem
The song they sing
Make peace
Make peace with this world
Grey hairs have stopped
Adding strength to thoughts
There is no growth
No learning anymore
Make peace
Make peace with this world
The only one you know
It will die quite slow
With men astray
For violence they pray
Make peace
Make peace with this world at last.

I am the Five

Violating myself to
bear one's labour.
Burning under
the chastity label.
Washing the woes
of newborn lives.
Blowing life into
future's flight.
Embracing clouds
that veil my being
I am the Five
that exist unseeing.