Red wine bubbling in the back of your throat
Rewind the kindling of a fire you won't put it out
Oceans unchanging, swallowing whole boats
You and I left in the void, to drown

I am unfeeling and fleetingly alive
I am lonely and slowly finding peace of mind
You are salt spilled across table tops
You are a child tearing apart and lost.

Dirt on your knees and scabs on your skin
We live free with the pleasures of sin
You taste him on your tongue,
Songs we left unsung.

Your old jacket, the one you gave me,
Well the zipper broke last week.
And the sleeves are torn apart,
It's grown too tight, it don't fit how it did in the start

Metaphors for a broken heart
How the ocean rages and pulls us apart
Smiles for the tattered soul
How the angels play their role.

I'm currently attempting to publish my first poetry novel, Mom and Dad Had The Doctors Sew Our Third Eyes Shut. If any of you have the time and money to donate, I humbly ask you to please donate anything you can, even just a dollar helps! I am self publishing, so I need funds for copyright, printing/binding, processing orders and shipping. if you do donate you can get a free copy of the novel :)
thanks guys! the link is found below:
https://fundly.com/mom-and-dad-had-the-doctor-sew-our-third-eyes-shut#_

those coal black eyes
i barely met
but
got to know so well
the panic, the fear
the mania, the psychotic
the love, the joy
the trust, the life

i see them now behind screens
living life as they should
plagued by the demons from behind

you were asking me what happens if you have an ******,
you grabbed me by the shoulders and told me the devil was here.
i saw it in your eyes,
but i'm not sure what it was

you are not crazy, my dear
dark skinned beauty
you are not sick
you are alive and you are well
from behind the screen

The blood always runs red
Skin color makes no difference;
Why do you feel no regret
When your bullet sets the sentence?

I can't feel their grief,
I can't taste the fear,
But watching this repeat-
No ******* relief-
I can hear this endless ringing
Deep in my ears.

How can you not?
At least 136 souls dispersed
Among the dark beyond;
Their light turned off
Forever.

But even after, you turn both eyes blind
Unless you're looking for reasons
For how it was their fault they died.
Now is the season for revolution-
Not homicide.

I guess blood ain't thicker than water
The way he held a gun to his head and said;
"If you don't **** me then I'm better off dead"
Now tell me it wasn't manipulation, and how was I not to falter
In saving myself from a man who already had caused me traumatizing trivialization

I guess blood ain't thicker than water
The way I held a gun to my head and you said;
"It's all for attention,"
I guess you thought me better to be dead.
But I tried to speak out, I tried to reach out instead
Only for you to slaughter
All hope I had sent.

I guess blood ain't thicker than water
Because people don't believe in saving grace.
Deliver me into my fate,
If I'm gone there will be no hate.
Maybe you'll see after Thanatos takes over-
A death drive to send me to a new place.
Tell the victim they're a liar,
Might as well say there's no such thing as ****.

I guess blood ain't thicker than water.
A father gives up his daughter,
A mother faded away.
A brother whose got nothing to say,
A sister whose forgotten her place.
I guess blood ain't thicker than water,
Because I'll be drowning,
blood covering the counter.

avalanche, mystifying icon
you are still on my bright screen
yet i no longer linger upon yours

lo and behold i try to
muster up the courage to
approach you
only to fail, flee, or **** it all up.

keep telling yourself,

all it is it lust,

because pure love cannot rust.

and when he touches you, you'll melt

but those fingers you can't trust

when all they feel with

are the throes of lust



when the snow flies in the winter winds

creating something like a frigid autumn mist

all they are is two unhealthy kids

looking for something to love, waiting for something to miss



your name dances along my wrists

among the scars i left in your wake

the same floats around when we kiss

can this lust truly put lives at stake?



do we pick up the pieces

or let them fall, down, down, further down

sometimes your words pierce- those meaningless teases

and i get lost, lost in the sound

because in an isolated system, entropy only increases.



where skin meets skin

and entanglement grows

lust will begin

to make it's darkened throes

There's a lot more to the world
Than what meets the eye
Physical intimacy laced with
Eradicating emotion
There's no time in the universe
In which peace can be acquired
The day the earth stands still
Is the day we know what comes next
In a memory flashing by your mind
Just sputtering through the motions
But suddenly you're caught in derealization
And you can hear her voice again
Clear as wedding bells
A young girl reading sermons
To a man passed out drunk, and the woman who made him that way
I was just 4 when I first tasted beer
And I vomited all over myself
I was just 8 when I first tasted liquor
And I don't remember much else
Chicken wings with candles
And the songs my mother used to sing to me
The way she'd crawl in bed with me
In times of drunken solitude
Ungrateful **** of a daughter
Who should've been aborted,
Well I tried, mama, I tried
Now that you're gone and you are nothing more than ashen memories
I look at you in your black box prison
With your name pasted to the front
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways I don't feel alive.
The way you screamed for help at the top of the stairs
And he's shoving he's pushing and you can't run
And I'm still here
And I'm still here fighting him away
He says he can't sleep in beds without you anymore
And coming home from 2nd grade
Police badges light up the front porch
And they're shoving you they're pushing and you can't run
And you're in handcuffs
And his arm is bleeding
the young man told me I was not alone
And falling apart on your floor
At a ripe 5 years old
And I'm crying I'm sobbing and you don't care
And I scream
And you don't love me anymore
The piano goes quiet
And after grandpa died
she took all his medicine
Muscle relaxers and pain killers and the daily *****
And anger
And she screamed at the walls she called god
For taking her children away
It was her all along
I do not hold grudges
But it took you dying for me to hold that promise
It took you dying for forgiveness
The family shuns me like how they did you
Black sheep we are
Your ashes lay on the table beside my bed
With fake vanilla candles that light up all kinds of colors
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways that I do not feel alive.

You wanted love, so you found it,
And when it strayed too far from your grasp,
You threw it away.
Traded it for some skin and bones
For your fingers to linger upon under sheets of darkness,
Pounds of despair.

I've been thinking about you lately,
But I'm not so sure why.
It was a battle between fate and me,
Guess who lost.

I remember your fingers like
The sunrise
They came to meet me every day
Anytime, anyway.

I'm not so sure why words are coming for you
Tell me though, have you come to hate me, too?
I've moved so far backwards but taken so many steps, you've been too far gone to see.
I wonder sometimes, would you even recognize me?

You were my first
And I sure hoped it would last.
But you lied to her,
And ran so far, so fast.

I was hospitalized again, a few weeks back
For the same old reasons,
At the same cold season.
I didn't need you this time, to get me back on track.

I wonder how you're doing,
If your makeshift love has made you whole.
I know these words aren't quite moving,
But I hope they play a role
In seeing where you stand now,
I'm not asking for forgiveness, no
I ask for your friendship.

I've found myself drowning in loneliness,
I hope you've found companionship.
Because I almost did, but he blew me away
With words like daggers; all the things you should never say.

I hope you read this.
I hope you feel okay.
May I be so bold to say
It is the old you I miss
So terribly.

in the passenger seat of your
tightly packed subaru
i felt as good as royalty
you as king, me as queen,
always wondering what lay in store
for me and you.

little did i know it would
come stammering to a halt
not that it should've
but i always found it strange
how you added salt
to your macaroni and cheese
not that it phased me,
no, i loved you all the same
your salt and all.

because i was taken advantage of
and you were salty as ever
and i was high off the ground
in a lifeguard chair as i told you the news
and i heard clattering on the other end of the line
you were done, you were no longer mine

and suddenly it was as if
the ocean had its own gravitational pull
begging me to come in, come and drown
i would go fleetingly, with nary a sound

but i grabbed familiarities instead
took the knife to my skin again
and it bled and it bled and it bled
i never wanted it to stop

i was surrounded by
people who knew what unconditional meant
and they wrapped me up, kissed my
wounds with their closing fingers
too many times
i should have died.

there is no requiem for a dream
there was no requiem for me

fingers intertwined
like bodies in the night
warm smiles fight the vacant eyes
staring back at me

i hate the way i can't live without you
and how you couldn't care less
but you say you love me, do you,
we used to be limitless

codeine in her veins and
tobacco on her tongue
she's just a bit insane
but she loves the fresh air in her lungs
and the wind in her hair
her heart's still there
beating on,
everything that is
has still begun

can you hear the monotone rumble
ringing in my head?
it creeps its way through my bones
an echo of all the things that i could have said.

my shattered jaw line outlines all I’ve suffered
and what’s left to come.
the bruises layered onto my skin
are only the reflection of a long night of regret.

imprints of recurring dreams
and stones left unturned
impressions are digging at me again
they don’t know what i truly am.
build yourself a little empire
to protect your stuttering ego
i will be the flame to start the forest fire
it won't be such a shame to see you go

do you recognize the stench that fills the air?
that’s the smell of a thousand burning forests.
you can hide behind your walls in shambles,
losing everything you thought you ever had.
but me? sweetheart, i’ll be doing just fine.
roaming the earth, spreading the seeds of regrowth.

positivity and its fine little hairs
prickling at the sight of someones skin
you just so happened to fall in love with
but they’re not really there,
darling, you made it all up inside your head,
among the burning flora of a million sins
you would think you would have learned
the fifth time around
but perhaps you never really cared,
blisters where the shackles of lust had you bound.

you’re seeking definition
thinking it’s buried deep in the neck of others.
you bury your lust in the sheets,
transforming casual conversation into white noise.
you’re foaming at the mouth and your pupils dilate
waiting to strike and tear your next victim apart.
like a succubus, you linger in the shadows
twisting and turning your way through
the wide open doors of the unknown
you sink your teeth into your prey,
**** away their sympathy
and leave them breathless,
hollow and taciturn.

i watched you slip away
deep into the arms of others
slowly declining as your breathing grows heavy
your body becomes a warzone
those who have traveled it before know,
you’re not the same as you once were,
and you never will be again.

what will you do now, with your claws at the ready?
will you tear them apart, or yourself first?
be sure you get the order correct

you are not the seamless dress you slipped off
before you made your way under the sheets
you are the breath that expels from your lungs
when you finally see your reflection
and you are not what you once saw

your lips curled back into a snarl,
your fingers bloodied and cracked
your eyes void and black
not once will your prayers be heard.

i caught myself wishing you back
finding myself buried in delusions and heartbreak.
you should’ve just said “i never loved you in the first place”
but that would’ve just made things simple.

simplicity was never an option for you.
everything had to be a challenge,
because that’s how your entire life was.
abused by your father, channeling the hate of your mother
there’s nothing you would do just to form stability on this
tattered and beaten ship you call your life.

where will you go now,
that your ship has sunk?
what paradise can you seek
without the stars to guide your way?
they will not shine for you any longer,
the darkness is now your only friend.

and to you, directly to you,
where do you hide your heartbreak?
can we build a fortress strong enough
to hold our heads high
through the pasts empty threats?

our towers were built alongside the shoreline
shining light to those who passed by
in hopes that they wouldn’t just avoid us
our intentions were pure, but our actions were contradictory
we can’t accomplish anything if we don’t know how to.

did the ocean wash it away?
or is it still standing, pure and tall.
everyone can see you sparkling there,
your light runs through your veins
where your blood is supposed to be.

all along the watchtowers
we hide our emotions, like treasure
to be found by a lucky passerby.
whoever ventured into what we’ve built would find
everlasting love and emotions too strong to perceive.
we just pray that whoever finds them doesn’t sell them off to another.

crystalline passages to our hearts
shattered by a beating drum
they collapse and collide
our minds lost to the debris

barely audible, like the leaves falling at night
the trees shed their autumn sweaters
as we shed ours for each other
and it was the sound of
two bodies breathing together
in the sanctity of solitude

and they are solemnly at peace
one for convenience,
one for the love
she quivers like the breeze
he misses the love he can no longer see.

we are just two broken phantoms
left hollow by the beginnings and ends.
it all bleeds together
after a while

so we go grabbing,
struggling for that release
from some love that made its way free
wont you reach with me, darling?

waiting for you to open your eyes
and see me in a different light
is like me trying to find
the courage for the demons i have to fight.

so maybe it's time
for me to open my mind
to learn how to look you in the eye
without falling for you
every
****
time.

Now settle down and listen
Not to the voices in your ear
The mind is a confounded prison
But there is more to life than fear

Words might not seem to flow like they used to
And people you love may turn into gargoyles haunting you at night
But it's not them you have to fight.
It's the mind that has chosen to attack you.

My words are shuttered sentences on what it's like to hurt
But yours are futile and terrified-
man, I'm just hoping we'll make it out alive.
What I'm trying to say is it is all in your mind
Reality is fluid, more than one can be right

Remember a time before the fear
Remember me, remember her

I'm not here to hurt you, I'm here to make sure you're okay
I don't understand as much as I want to-
I don't always know what to say.

The fractured mind is the darkest time
I think we will ever know.
But you are not alone.

Adam's eve, the night before his day
A friend I've been, a friend to keep,
I will always be here to fight by your side, come whatever may.

read between the sloppy lines
of drunk texts and high poems
scrawled upon pages of telephone books
in black bold letters, black slippery ink

i remember the days when you were mine
loved the ***, loved the roses
all your side-long glances and pretty looks
but without you i have gotten better,
in deaths quick sands i no longer sink

i miss you, honey,
but we'll never love again
when pages turn and our story ends,
read between the lines of my drunk texts,
and you will find me.

i've known you for a few days now,
but i've been dreaming of you forever
and the way air escapes from your lungs
when you're breathing inside of me
can you ******* carbon dioxide?

oxygen shared between two organisms
the shuffle and static between two skins

although something feels like you're the one,
i'm sure you're just another one
using me for the skin
i am living in

I'm sorry my words are all the same
All trains and the insane and
Unrequited love
I heard the howl of a locomotive just now
And I swear it was howling for me

The faces and things you'll never forget
I can't help but feel I'm next
To be added to the crowd of ex lovers
You'll try so hard not to remember
While I'm fighting to keep your face and hands
Locked inside my mind
It's for nothing

The sun is shining so bright
I can hardly keep my eyes open
And it's so warm
I can hardly feel the cold in my bones

I found a new paradise
In Fredericksburg, Virginia.
No oceans, no throw of the dice
A constant place with the same people
I've come to love so deeply

the little games your mind plays, like when daddy screamed about how much he loved the windshield wipers in that old, old car. it is probably a mere scrap of metal now. you spent the afternoon on a bridge, in the forest, now your fingers are slow and a vibrant cold against the warmth of your kitchen. my first memory is a photograph. it gets easier to be alone the longer you are, i have found. we see the same constellation every night, Aryan lined up to greet us as soon as night falls. he takes over her like ivy on trees, wrapping its tendons tight around the skin, suffocating, asphyxiating. they say every person has a mind of their own, the contest between strangers; who can hold the steadier gaze? do your eyes glaze over at the sight of a smile? or do you match it with one of your own? the interaction between strangers is my purest form of socialization, the ease, the comfort.
the little games your mind plays, playing tricks on you all **** day.

2012
the boy was like sun rays falling from a blue sky. his hair was shining blonde and flew in the wind, his eyes were the perfect blue, azure like a pure sky, tranquil like a warm sea. he was bones and skin, but knew not the weight of sin. he was on a quest for ataraxia, he was selfless, he was kind. he had wings and a halo shining above his blonde head, he was my guardian angel for a year and 2 months. he was the ambulance, he was the desire. he was the first. when the "hospital" prison gates came clamoring shut on my face, he ran far, far away. he found another shining blonde head with sky blue eyes to bury his love into. the distance was our downfall.

2013
the boy was earthy, he was brown eyed like oak trees, his veins the limbs, his heart the roots. i poisoned him with nicotine. we kept our brown eyes in the forests with polluted rivers running astray, we told our secrets with no fear. he was selfish, he was keen on his own way. he could not see past his own eyes. brown and murky was his world, diseased ones followed him home. he tried. i tried. we failed.

when i'm singing
i hear that little drawl
that you have when you let your melodies go
and you've moved your way into my veins
reduced me to an empty crawl
and i am shrinking, watching your embers grow

we move together under blankets of
regretful submission
and resentful *******
and it fits like cinderella's long lost shoe
her prince came to take her away
but i'm still crawling,
longing for you

you see my eyes gazing back at yours,
don't you?
can you see how much i adore
everything about you?
those shoulders covered with your
softly shadowed skin
rise and fall above me, you're
all that i need

kush louder than ya girl in bed
**** your broken *** pipe, i'll smoke a **** instead
we're just a bunch of broke *** kids just scraping to get by
but somehow we still manage to get this high

package your life into
neat little compartments
and manage the strife with
nary a soul; live with an independent
determined, flying mind

hold onto the hands that feed you
keep your claws sheathed and
your teeth to lose
smile while they're still here, yeah
smile before they disappear

check me out of the hospital
check me into the life i almost lost
recovery is almost some sort of miracle
a few sacrifices is the minor cost

treat life with a sip of wine
you never take it all at once
keep your secrets safe in your mind
but keep your eyes locked on the sun.

I can't keep writing about the same things
Like a broken record played over and over again
Just so the lonely can hear something sing
It's all her emerald eyes and silent goodbyes
And all the times I've lost my mind
A memory lasts a lifetime,
As long as you have the evidence that that time
Truly existed
Maybe we missed it,
The last train to our future together
Maybe the timetables were wrong and
We were too busy watching our scars heal to
Make it to the station on time. 
I've torn apart so many books and
Burnt so much fabric
In the hopes of forgetting people who
Discarded me entirely
And I will never see that word the same again,
Because when you've become inconvenient,
You will be dispensed, replaced, 
Discarded.

going without sleep is a thrill
how many drugs will i take before
my demeanor is crystal clear
with angelic brushes of grace and sincerity

when will i love my mind, body and soul
when will the snow come for me?
let the frost overcome my body heat
let it burrow into my skin
frigid parasites to devour us whole

my limbs are shaking
with energy from
drug induced freedom
from the shackles of feeling

do i abuse it,
or does it abuse me?

she was a masterpiece behind the glass draped in gold
he was tired and homely, his rage was growing old.
the line between them was bold
but it's fine
because they ignored the disparity
of dissimilarities
through this discrepancy, they painted their canvas
with lust and expectations
they could never keep it going, a senseless apparatus
neither could sense the strength of the connection
binding them hiding them individually,
the two became as one
two to one,
counting down the moments to their
untimely demise;
when the two are no longer as one,
but none.
none could've predicted the end,
not once
but twice
when they failed
they tried
and tried again
he told her she was heaven sent,
and he was shrouded in sin,
what they didn't know is that
they were one and the same.
cut from the same cloth
but rarely clothed when they were together.
Stayed high together
one could say they were
birds of a feather
they were lost but now they're found;
she was once was okay but now she's drowned.
deep under her love for him,
she tried to float and coast through
but it was no use
his love and adoration was all she had to lose
it was enough to clear her mind of the emotional abuse
but it was not enough to clear her heart of the love.
As she lay in his bed
praying for him to come closer,
he stayed as far away as he could.
and although he knew he could love her
he wasn't sure if he should;
she was jaded
and the time they shared had faded.
but in her heart she made it,
she could fade it!
She was lost it in all her minds of minds.
Trouble is growing from underneath the seams
how they've stayed intact is a mystery,
leave all the bad in the past
it's history
the present envelops her
with his presence
and it consumes, it engulfs her whole.
She finds she cannot live without him.
he grows cold, distant
she realizes he's already gone
and she disintegrated into his front lawn,
with all the dead leaves
and fallen trees
He says,
"i'm already gone."

if i could write the right words
i would
if i could sing the proper song
i would
and if i could turn back time,
pretend it never happened,
oh god, how i would.

if i could find the cure
for your broken heart
it wouldn't take too long
to put back together, what i tore apart
if i could find
all the love we have mentioned
oh god, if i could.

this time's different, you see
because i'm finally learning
from these endless mistakes
i'm done with the insanity
they hopeless pain cycling
darling, if i go without you
i'll get the shakes
lost without you,
i swear this time i mean it.

it's hopeless,
don't tell me it's hopeless
because the only hope i have
is trapped inside that chest of yours
and those moments we shared, they're priceless
without you, i'll go mad.
my skin is lost
without yours

my words have no accountability
my actions are set in stone
i am fraught with hostility
towards no one but my own

forgive me, lover,
for i have sinned.

November is full of change,
And I swear that on my own grave.
And soon after November passes,
I swear on my mothers ashes,
Nothing will be the same.

When all you want to do is create,
But all your creations are struck solid-
As if passed through by the gaze of Medusa.
Massive waves of destruction churn and rage,
As if tragedy was the true mother of Aviendha.

And October’s anxieties are much too real
In the face of November’s wounds to heal.
December’s arrival is both relief and restraint;
From grandmother wreaths and 4 year old birthday cakes.

20 came and went and so far I have not succumbed
To the throes of dear death’s mighty blows
And I guess the real test is surviving the age of 21.
And see the difference
between my parents,
To see the difference
between me and them.

November’s change is soon to arrive-
It will not carry me from the burden of being alive,
And sometimes I can’t tell if that plea is for something beyond immortality:
The kind of thing the mortal wouldn’t believe.

November’s change is hot on our tails
And I know, that if all else fails,
I have a love stronger than the
Intermittent call of death.
Meet me on the other side,
The in betweens and underneaths
Meet me in our last breath
And the glaze that covers our eyes.
Meet me where we can make every end meet.

Welcome to mount hopeless
Where rocks tumble, crumble at your feet
Where ropes to carry you turn to ***** nooses
Leaving you with nothing but bruises.
Uncertainty holds you captive,
With fallen angels you'd never hope to meet.

Hard falls to the solid ground,
The hounds of hell compell you.
Create your monster from little white lies
Till it gleams with your webs of *******.
Lost, but never found
Your kind was born to lose.
Fuel your future with worn, tired sighs
Try your damnedest to forget it.

The skies are grey with fog
Blurred between the lines
Separating reality from your dreams
And the temperature drops
Along with your binds
And all that remains are the seams

Of a life once promised,
Of lungs that could feel
The summer breeze from
Beneath the trees, the fallen leaves
All the truth we compromised.

would you take a look at that,
the positivity emanating from the loss of you
i can breathe again without you
sighing down my neck
with your fault-laden words
putting me in a submission hold and
driving me up the walls
my blood creating murals for you
down to the last pill i took

so now i'm partially free
from that addicting little touch of yours
if you ever kissed me again i'd
push you far away and run as fast as i can
so as not to fall into your trap again.

i don't need you to breathe
safely, and fully
i have all i need here,
right at home
i can live okay without the thought of you
to plague my mind and dreams

without you it's suicide
said the little thing inside me, once growing, swelling with time
now it drowns out, safe and sound
in the little box inside my brain
to keep me from going insane

do not resuscitate
face the darkness to hold you close
where you are one and you are all
of the things you love and hate
when you can be free of
this mortal machine
of recycled skin and bones

i'll live without you
brave and whole
a gladiator inside my own mind
fighting the demons
from dusk to dawn

Don't be afraid of the dark
Be afraid of what lies in your heart
Don't fear the monsters under your bed
Fear the monsters in your head
A child's rhymes
Have no sense of time
Until they run out of theirs
And they're taking their last breath of air
There is no softer lullaby
Than a father's goodbye
No sweeter song
Than a mother's bond
Until you die
We begin again
Unformatted, untitled
Until we come alive
We become again
Unknown, unbridled

Drone strikes to take out the innocent
I am not sad.
Starvation, dehydration, all in one sweep
I am not sad.
**** and pillage and ******, cognitive dissonance
I am not sad.
Oppression, degradation, all in one week
I am not sad.

Heading at warp speed
To a recovery, to healing
I am not sad.
The past and the future
Lovers and abusers
I am not sad.

Honorable, slow suicides
I am not sad.
Parents who never cared
I am not sad.
The scars on your wrists and your mind
I am not sad.
The children who never learned to share
I am not sad.

It comes slipping through the cracks
You forgot to seal
I am not sad.
Don't look back
At the devil's deal
I am not sad.

faces fake like plastic
minds full of lies
make believe friendships
and bullet-proof sighs
guess thats the way the world turns
makes me lose my sight

is it so hard to find companionship on this
corrupted earth
i am all the things you wouldn't miss
regretting that one and only birth

did we choose to come out of the womb
or was it out of our control?
when the world cripples you so soon,
and devours you whole,
where can you escape to?

and who are my real friends
what helping hands does substance lend
this open wound, the skin will not mend
till the room is painted in red

cars passing by with their
little minds locked safe inside
cigarette ashes line the drive way,
you forgot to sweep the walkway
that morning, you froze still in my wake
did you beg for god, your soul to take?

here's a line for the peace of mind
i've searched so hard to find
be patient, be kind
keep out watch for those little signs
it's getting better every day.

i'm getting stronger through the night
my dreams keep you far from sight
what we did was wrong,  but felt so right
the manipulation so evident in the words we'd fight

you became the tangles in my hair and
the creak of the floor boards
in that old abandoned attic
discarded like an empty bottle you swallowed whole
love like this issues no control.

paint my face with pretty colors
to get a smile from the pretty people
making their way around
smile with those sincere teeth
and practice those principles
in which you preach

keep your head
close to home
we are not worthless
for the war in our minds
comes and goes
no lost souls to darkness
no evil idea fed
each and every object has come alive

Someone you left behind
Out of selfish fear
Something so different from that time
During that one, awakening year

Crawling through the leaves,
You wait for your chance to come again
To make or break, that gentle heave
And perhaps this time your heart won't break, but bend.

Broke the heart and it whimpered away,
So quietly, to a betrayer, a reckless soul
You caused it to be that way.
Made the madman the fool

Maybe the sky tears fall
In reverence to all that was lost

I want to run barefoot
But the bitter cold will blister my toes
And I want to pick flowers
But the winter winds have blown them all away,
The cold has crippled them to their death.
I want a friend that doesn't melt
Once time runs it's course
A love that doesn't halt
To drown you in remorse.

I want a river that won't freeze
When the temperature gets too low
I want the solemn summer breeze,
Not the cold winds that now blow.
They call it seasonal affective disorder,
Where the sun turns away from us,
You bury your shame in mortar
And the ice crystals bring back your blush
In those full cheeks, with no relief
We sing for the days we lost.
Pain is just a lowly cost
For the ataraxia to come.

So bite your nails till they bleed,
And pick away at the scars you made
Soon enough you will find what you need
As the seasons change, you must take it day by day.

have i dug myself a grave
or has this come a part of a plague
of give and take,
of shallow little mistakes

is it coming around
going around
karma looping in its intricate sounds
have i lost it all?

have i done something so terribly wrong
or is it something that just doesn't belong
looking for a way out, but this dark hallway stretches for so **** long

these words are rigid and plain
but in truth, their motives are driving me insane
sometimes it all just goes down the drain
leaving you with nothing but guilt and pain

is it my fault, or is this just a dream?
a lapse in concentration
and nothing's as it seems
lost in this timeless, endless conversation

keep your eyes on the prize
when i grow up i wanna be on the other side of the desk
i want to be the one in the spinning chair
eyes locked on the couch
i want to see this prescription work it's magic
on the lost and the losing

i want my words to be sanctity
the color of my eyes to be warming souls
i want to hold them close but with hands tied behind my back
i'll let my own demons out to play with theirs

ink on the skin never mattered to him
i want to have pages on shelves
i want my words to be serenity

i'll smile with purity and sincerity
the lies and the truths all lined up to dry
oceans wont call my name anymore, instead
i'll be singing to its tides

it's not so hard to be on my own anymore
i can breathe again

Burning papers and the words I wish you'd say
The smoke left piles of ash where I wish you'd stay
And the words left the universe in streams of goodbyes
Ravage from the core to my wrists and thighs
The had beens and never minds

Crescent moons wax and wane
I still can smell your scent through the window pane
And you told me to never come back
With all those thoughts I kept on my closet rack
They come to meet me at night, when I'm all alone
Just when I think I'm alright, they chill me to the bone

Now I'm out of time
I hope and pray
For some solace
To take me somewhere you'd never find
Through the day
I watch the hourglass
Ticking away by grains of sand
Don't need no heart, don't need no man.

And we walked to the fields
Instead of watching the baseball game
We kiss and you copped your feels
But it will never be the same

When your shy old dog let me stroke its fur
And the calm winter evenings froze us whole
Back in your car, before the love was hurt
I could feel you intertwining with my soul

Tell me I am still all you see
When you close your eyes
Tell me you still love me
Despite the hatred in your mind

Will you leave me, too?

hands, remember her hands
running along your skin
touching your face, loving you all she can
i can't believe i've come to love again

my love for you is like
the way the universe expands
infinitely growing, endless and out of sight
i just remember your hands

i hear the sound of your creations
flowing through my ears
and i cant help but smile with elation
truly the most beautiful music i've come to hear

i want to visit all the places that
broke you right in half
and i'll replace all the memories you have
that make you so ******* sad

i'm gonna make you love your smile
the sunshine of my life
i'm gonna stick around for a while,
for you, i put down the knife.

razor blades and candle wax
how its made and what it lacks
a night to remember, a day to live forever
i will never forget you, not ever.

when i warned you not to fall in love with me
i didn't foresee the true future
where you took my advice, and i, well
i lost myself to your clouds

this memory is one of my favorites
where you and i went to the baseball game
with your parents and
your dogs that hated me
and we walked around the stadium
the sunset was almost as beautiful as you
then you begged your mother for beer
but instead you found intoxication
from in between my thighs

and then there was the time we got lost
on the way to annapolis,
our minds too cloudy to figure out the gps
so instead you got pizza, and i got frozen ice
but we were together and happy
before anything ever happened

do you remember when
we walked through the forest and i
expressed to you my love for radiohead and we
shared our deepest secrets on a rotted log

please remember the time
we first stayed the night with each other
it's hazy, but i can clearly see
your hands all over me
where waking up next to you
was the most refreshing place

and the times we spent naked together
our bodies intertwined, unafraid
of judging eyes, of wandering minds
where we were one

now you can't see past
the times i left shattered in my wake
and i suppose i deserve the solitude more
than your hands around my throat
although i'd much prefer the latter

you're gone and i gotta stay high
all the time
to keep you off my mind

i'm waiting for the words to make a difference
but you always focused on my actions
where they were shaky and full of twists and turns
places where your mind couldn't follow

i have done more wrong to you
than i could ever think to do
and it's like i've dragged myself across
a bed of all the blades
used in your name

i just want to wake up where you are,
one day.

let's give a go
at something new
find some new topic of prose
not so tangled, and overused.

take your shadows and
wring them out to dry
let the sun soak them away
and you'll be left with gold
in your heart,
in your soul

self loathing, victimizing
you're not fooling anybody.
stand up and face yourself
drown out the remnants of battles
you nearly lost
and be free of this

call it an omen,
call it a sign
but when you dream
it shines

spiderwebs hanging from your fingers
you are stationary
homeostasis distorts
but you're still extraordinary.

if you're going to call me easy
for giving all i have to give
then perhaps you don't deserve my pleasantries
i'm not quite sure where to begin.

formidable in your fleeting ways
i come crawling from beneath the sheets
of the earth's gentle waves
my lips trailing down
from your head
to your feet

and maybe this love is dead,
darling
but that's no reason to say what you have said.
scarring
my thighs and taciturn wrists
my heart goes racing after
the taste of your lips

letting go ain't so easy
for this star crossed lover
for you, it seems as simple as breathing
while i lie under covers
in your bed
in your home
on your street
on my knees
i'm running red
now, why don't you pick up the phone

it appears i've caught a cold
in those winter winds
it appears my antics have grown old
after all, i'm just a kid

what are you, where are you,
my lovely young wanderer?
i didn't mean to smother you
possessive is just part of my nature.

where you tread
alive or dead
i will follow you.

the distance has been growing longer
while my heart seems to grow so much fonder
of you and all those lovely things you do
making me hope to someday be
as unmistakably impeccable as you

and when you see me,
what do you look at?
the longing in my eyes or
the tension in my lips
and the way they yearn for yours.

and take me where you please,
tell me what to take a look at
raise my mind from the floorboards
to the way your innocence sits
reminding me of the purity of what i adore.

and some day will come
where our fingers meet the skin
of the other, under a shining sun
and our story will truly begin.

with touch, with eyes meeting the others'
never too much, not enough for another
but enough for us
to relish in
and trust

so my dear, i hope to see you soon
thinking of all the beauty i'd have to lose
if i were to forget about you.

teeth are clenched together
caffeinated intoxicated little words
brought as one
into one minuscule prose.
the boy who shines bright as the sun
in your eyes;
i destroyed it, i suppose
lost into one broken "never mind"

your tongue lapses into
minute broken shapes
along the jaw that gapes
for all the love you've sought to lose

i wish that i had known in that first minute we met
the unpayable debt
that i'd owe you
and those words were taken
from a pretty song
that no one really knew

i long for the i.v. drip
to keep me barely alive
and i am so jealous, mother
that death took you

it starts as an innocent sip
grows to an open dive
to have for you another
one drink became a few
and you've wound up like your mother

repeating yourself,
losing yourself
to a substance abuse
and the words, they melt
together, you lit the broken fuse
that sent us all to hell

so pray your worst
and break for the best
we will all meet our funeral hearse
our minds will count for less.

let him go
gently, gently now
let his footsteps echo
as he walks away
embrace the sound
and swallow down all the things
you'd love to say
this time, what is lost will not be found
let your freedom sing.

from the evergreen trees
to the dead and decomposing leaves
of trees that just don't stick around
the pitter patter, that silent sound
of the fall of rain, the drip of tears
the feathers of these past years
pluck away, **** the days
that you wasted with him
there must be some way
to shadow the agony with a graceful grin

do not drown yourself
in drink
do not harm yourself
in what you think
because the sun will rise,
the sun will fall
the world will surprise
by taking all
that you had

it might not be eloquent,
but these are instructions
on how to live with a broken heart
your fingers, your words will not mend
only time will tell

he will walk away
with a lack of empathy
he will never say
that you are what he needs.

accept, regret, and see what comes next
these words are yours to protect.

do you listen for the things that are not there?
sighs in the dark, in the cold crisp air.
there is not life among us, here.
sheathe your long-life'd fear.

keep it simple, dear one
lose yourself in the dark night
find yourself in the bright lights
spend your evenings chasin' the sun

recover from the emptiness
decaying from within
you must accept, not suppress
the bottom echoing again.

and when you've found it,
the place of no return
there's no doubts about it
forward you must go, so you will begin to learn

about a world lying at your feet
above everything you've been running from
all these years, they've been dying to meet
your shining heart, and it's reverberating hum

don't question the facts,
young one
sit back and relax,
bite your tongue.

I see you
With your distant eyes and lazy stare
I follow you
Through demise and through despair
Though we know not of it yet
There will come a time where our sun is set

And when it comes I will be here
Waiting for you endlessly, without fear
Something you carry deep within;
It won't let you love again.

So I know our differences are laid aside
For our familiarity is something hard to find.
As the sun rises high, only to set in time
I wait for you endlessly, without reason, or rhyme.

I remember hurricane Katrina
And how it ravaged your state, you wanted to wait it out
Sit on the roof and watch the flood water disintegrate all you knew
I wasn't there but I have implanted memories of you and your father
Smoking cigarettes on top of your house
Laughing about the rage of nature
I remember skipping school in elementary
We used to walk down the paths and go into the woods and douse ourselves in creek water
And there was nothing I knew better than your face at this time
You were my brother and my best friend
And I begrudgingly remember you strung out and treating me like ****
But I knew it wasn't you who was getting kicked out of my house
It was the ******, and whatever else it might've been
I never thought you'd die alone
With not much to say for-
Not much to live for, I guess
But I knew you lived for us, Sam and I
Because when mom went you knew we needed help
And you were the big brother, and we were your precious sisters
There's nothing poetic about the way you left us at young 34 years old
And I will never forgive black tar and needles
I hope the boat you depart on burns to nothing but your ashes
And the sea takes you to a place better than ****** ever could
I never thought I'd see the day your name made it to the papers
Maybe as a success, maybe as a life that was made out to be something beautiful
But instead, I've seen you in the obituaries
Justin Colter Stilling,
That name belongs to death now.
I wish I could see you off on your trip to the other side
But instead I'll be wasting away remembering you for what you were
And it makes me wonder, how and why
We all have to die