Some people live purgatory lives;
they dance with the invitation
of death
just long enough
for the moment
to become romantic
then they usher the
entire idea
right out the door
as if being
friends
with the end
is an easy way
to pretend

they cannot
         go at any moment.

Some people chase
   the idea of death
so much
they forget to
do something
as simple
yet profound
as live.

We spend every day
repeating cycles
and trying to make
our routines
perfect
then remain
frustrated at

     everyone and ourselves

for not being able to get this fluctuating life right

yet-

I am learning that getting it right
takes doing it wrong
more than
quite a few
times

and

that is simply something neither you or I can be ashamed of.

We cannot substitute the lessons
that failure and patience bring us-
all we really can do is
face our hardships
with limited understanding
and obtain what we can
from our moments of misery.

I am finding more and more
         that myself
  lingers in those moments
and I am beginning to appreciate
the days
I spend
catching
       bleek
          & subtle
                     glimpses
           of what I can

become.

You see,
I used to fear my own presence.
Shake my head at my own sight.
Be disgusted with my thoughts
and ruin my existence.

I used to do all of these things because I felt
helpless.
I was not the person taking charge
      for my life.
I was not the person owning responsibility
for their actions.
I was not the person acting on their decisions
although the choices were petrifying.
I was not that kid because

I DID NOT YET UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS CAPABLE OF.

I had yet to find the opportunity in my failures.
I had yet to see the potential in my flaws.
I had yet to understand that there are twenty-four hours
in a single day
and we can own every single one of them
when we are not focused on defeat.

And that sounds a little extreme at first,
I know,
but if I can convince you of anything today-

please do not be afraid of change.

Welcome it with open arms and be prepared for
your entire life to get uncomfortable
when you start being honest with the world
and most importantly-
yourself.

I have let go of so much heartache
from no longer pretending I am okay.

I have let go of so much anxiety
from not allowing others to hold
their expectations over me.

I have let go of so much depression
from standing up for myself
because I was sick of the world
telling me NO.

I have let go of so much
useless negativity
and have said goodbye
to so many friends
and relatives
because
choosing compassion
over what they took from me
always kept me on
the better course;

a step ahead
when they were looking behind
and reflecting
by the time
they could realize
intuition wins.

but I guess depending on which way you are looking at it-
all of this is just bragging of course.

So I will never mind you
if you are not listening.

I will forgive you
when you come around.

BUT IF YOU ARE LISTENING LOUD,
HERE RIGHT NOW-

know that I am too.

And for every dream you are chasing-

    it is chasing after you.





Thank you.

I'm another
textbook
definition
of what
the kids
shouldn't
be.

(10w)
-Andrew Durst.

Tooth decay and
lie in cheek.
There’s a rotten
part of me
that
continues to
manifest.
I am bitter
and this is
why I
wither away
rather than
fall to
pieces.
I am a slow,
dying,
rotten,
seething
piece of
flesh.
I am pale
with
society
and intoxicated
from all of
the pointless
conversations
we pretend
to have.

News flash
News flash
News flash







nobody is
listening.

The problem is my attitude;
I don't want to conform.
Can I just be another person
whom you ignore?

It'd be so nice
to be left alone.
But my biggest fear
Is figuring life out
on my own.

Our
love
was a
flight
that you
and I
missed.

Do you
care to
take the
next one
out?

I'm pacing back n' forth in the recesses of my mind.
Thinking about tomorrow; as if I have the time.
I've got a book of regrets and a list of excuses.
Stitches for the cuts and ice for the bruises.
I've got the heart of a warrior but the guts of a coward.
And I'm always screaming inside my mind; as if silence could get any louder.

I'm trying to stay positive; I'm trying to learn.
But it's hard to move forward when your "success" is everyone else's concern.
They're always breathing down my neck and saying things like "you can do better!"
But I guess they don't know that my ambitions change with the weather.
I can't explain it or even begin to understand why.
It's something that's out of my control no matter how hard I try.

I think I'll fall asleep in an hour
I think I'll be dead in a week
I'm sick of bitter arrogance-
it isn't something unique.
In fact it's kind of grotesque
the way I choose to progress
it's like i'm slowly
cutting from my
feet
and stopping
at my chest.
Do you get it yet?
Do you find it hard to understand?
Am I not what you were looking for
or do I need to be better than I am?
I'm only asking.
I think that's fair.
But then again I'm getting acquainted with
despair.
I tell myself it isn't real.
I try to believe that you care.
But all that goes out the window when
I see you are not there.
It's unusual;
the way I trip
over myself.
Therapists and teachers
always said I needed help.
But I didn't believe them.
Ignorant was how I felt.
Trapped, corner,
isolated-
I was ****** with what was dealt.
Just know that I didn't keep it.
I just walked right on out.
And for every moment
I've been defeated-
at least I wasn't

someone else.

I've come to accept that all of my worries about tomorrow and how I'll be remembered yesterday
has manifested itself into something far greater than stress.
And I know living with this
            state-of-mind
can only make every situation worse instead of ever getting better.
But right now,
       in this moment,
                     I am okay.

And that is good
enough for me.

I haven't known her for a really long time,
But I can already tell:
She likes the subtle things.
The things that people don't usually acknowledge.
The smile, the laugh,
The kisses and the hugs.
I can just tell...

She has bright blonde hair that matches her personality.
She wears clothes that reflect her soul; relaxed.
And she has a laugh that is powered by her heart; it's amazing.

You see,
I can write about how the sunset is so beautiful with all of the colors mixing together like a fresh oil painting.
But I'd rather talk about her.
Because honestly, she takes my breath away.
I don't have to say much, I just have to look into her eyes,
And I know that things will be okay.
They just have to be...

Again, I haven't known her for a really long time.
But I can tell she likes the subtle things.

If
  Nothing
        Is
Wrong
        And I have
             Nothing
   To worry about.
     How come
I still
     Can't
Sleep
         at
              Night?

I must've
    been the
one
  that caught
you
   while you were
falling from heaven
   because it feels
like there's a
******* crater
   inside of my
         chest.

There're spaces within
my chest,
         and this redundant
       motion of
             rising and falling
     will suffocate
   the very essence
of my soul.
     And as I ache
     for the love that
     your body
     provides,
I will find myself
reaching for you-
      completely
              deprived.

Only the
past is set
in stone,
my friend.

You don't have
to continue
being the
person you
were
yesterday.

My mind is fighting my heart
But neither is going to win,
It's constantly back and forth,
And my patience is wearing thin.

I'm so tired and I want to sleep,
But my mind is not letting me.

I want to smile, I want to laugh,
But my heart is still under attack.

How much longer do I have to wait?
I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I couldn’t
always be there.

It was as
simple as that.

And in a world
where everyone
  needs everything
to be at their
  beckoning call,

I just wasn’t
  good enough.

-Andrew Durst.

I'm sick
of constantly
being on the
back-burner.

I am not someone
you can just use.
I am not,
and never will be,
"the second best."

Give me your all
or give me
nothing.

You are the reason I am
breathing, talking,
compassionate, and giving.
You've given me life
education, wisdom;
understanding.
We've been through our differences,
and at one point took our own paths...
But I'd like to believe
that all new roads traveled
will never be like the last,
although they
always seem
to bring you
right
back
home.

I wanted to
thank you
for not giving me
what my heart
so desperately
longed-for.

It actually
made a
better man
out of
me.

Today marks another day that I woke up.
One more day I was able to smell the scent of fresh cut grass and early June.
      Where I was able to feel the gentle friction from these cotton sheets.
See the sun glistening through my blinds.
     Listen to the birds sing and my ceiling-fan hum a tune while all the air brushes down upon me in patterned strokes.
    Today marks another day where I am able to make sense of things.
Like the bold taste of coffee,
and a well-timed cigarette.

yesterday's pain
could be tomorrow's
grace.

You just have to
wake up and find-out
for yourself.

I'm not an
honors student or
an athlete.
I don't have
good grades and
I fail all the time.

          Still, I bet that I
    smile more
than you.

It's hard to believe
at one point in my life
I had almost completely
given-up.

But is that not
life within itself?
Going through
peaks and valleys
while falling in-love
with those
that actually care
to help?

Yes,
It is truly
funny how things
work out.

Because all the
problems
I once had,
are now
all the things
I laugh
about.

We are a moment of awkward eye contact
         and sweaty palms;
All the tension of the world
      weighing on feeble shoulders.

I'm not sure if we're going anywhere,
Or if we're already where we need to be.

Walking past you in the hallway,
Always makes me
              Think.

I entertain the
thought of
you
with a
typewriter
and a
glass of
whiskey.

And
I'm trying
so **** hard
to make
something
    beautiful.

of my heartache.

There's no need
for any explanations.

And although you
may not understand;
      I cannot
          deny
    the way it feels to be
               in your
       presence.

just to get
so far,

and I just
want to be
right where
you are.

I don't care
what your
intentions or
concerns
may be.

At this point,

I no longer
want to be
a part
of your
outcome.

In this world you're
either the writer
or the reader;
the creator or
the receiver.

And school never worked
out too-well
for me.

you're starting
to get
sick of
me calling
you
beautiful all the
time.

I just never
know what
to say after
getting lost
in your
eyes.

I sit inside my room
While the other kids are outside
Playing contacts sports
And talking about their days
With all the challenges
That they had to face

The sun is casting in through the
Only window I have
But I don't really mind the loneliness
Of my room, it's actually comforting
After a day of putting up with kids
Trying to one up each other
With everything they do

I'm not saying I'm different
Or anything of that sort
But I'd rather relax and reminisce of times
When the only time I had to worry
Was whether or not I was getting a
Deck of cards to add to my collection
On a peaceful summer morning

Times were simple when I was young
So it's clear to see that things have changed
But still, I don't mind

I enjoy a cigarette in the morning
With the fresh dew drying underneath the sun
Watching the birds collect food for their
Newly hatched chicks
And in the night time
Smoking while I contemplate about
Simple things such as
Regrets
Love
Life
And other things that I don't care to mention

So, as I sit inside today with the sun
Spitting rays into my room through my only
Bedroom window
I realize that I'm actually quite content
With the way things are.

If I give to you
what you've
given to me.
Then we
would be
millenniums
swallowed
in eternity.

To live forever
is nothing more
than a curse.
and to live forever
without you
would be
so much worse.

and the price
I am
willing
to pay,

I hope you
miss me
when I'm
gone.

I often find
       myself in
                situations
      where I feel
                   as if I'm running
out of time.
          
           but I've realized that I'm
only seventeen...
      
              And time is all
      I
       really
           have.

The sun and flowers
didn't seem to
       shine today.
But the smile
upon my face
                      did.

I used to believe
that I would
never
be able to
move on...

But whenever I woke up
this morning,

I didn't even
think about
**you.

The less
you
tried,
     the more
      I fell
      in
      love.

And that's
been the
story
thus
far.

All I could feel
was the rush of wind
flowing through my
fingertips,
and the calming
warmth of the sun
on my skin.

I swore that
afternoon
would last
all summer.

We're a generation
of bad habits
and hypocrites
that'll do whatever
it takes to be happy;
whatever it takes
to supposedly
remain free.                
        
         Because
         the truth is;
                  we're all addicted
                 to something.

And   we     let       it       get
       the    best    of      us