I wanted to thank you
for being everything
to me whenever
I had nothing to
call my own.

You didn't just
get me out of a "rut."

You saved me
from the empty,
soulless shell in which
I was about to
become.

She was soft-spoken
With a heavy heart,
I could see in her eyes
That she had been through hell and back,
And lord only knows what those eyes had seen.

Daddy was never home,
Momma never called,
And although she had a few friends that always stayed true,
She still managed to feel alone.
She wanted something more; acceptance and love.
But when she finally worked up the courage to say hello to the popular cliques.
They just put her to shame,
Made her feel worthless,
As If no one knew her name.

And one night when she returned home after another long day.
She closed her bedroom door,
And turned off the lights.
She knew what had to be done,
As she waved a white flag for a battle the world had won.

With the tilt of a pill bottle,
Emptying it all,
She finally felt okay.
She finished writing her good-byes with tears of joy falling from her face,
She was so content that she could finally leave her personal hell.

So she crossed her T's, dotted her I's, and left no stone unturned,
And as she dreamed, and hoped, and yearned.
An eternity of rest and desires impatiently waited for her.

She left on her desk, a note for her friends,
She needed to make sure they knew they weren't at fault.
She assured each of them that their presence was appreciated and adored.
And that all the sleepless nights they spent together, trying to make everything all right, didn't go in vain.

Along with a message to her mom and dad,
Apologizing for all of her wrong doings and explaining why she felt responsible as to why their relationship never worked.

She didn't want to guilt trip them or target any blame,
She just needed for them to know that things had gone and changed.

She expressed her love for the both of them,
With a passion that burned like an open flame,
At last, she apologized one more time,
Before she turned her back on all the words that she once said.

Shortly after she put her things away and made her bed,
She started feeling the side-effects.
She resumed to lay down for the final time,
With a look of contentment in her eyes.
She felt like the world wanted her dead,
And her only way out was to accept the end.

We'll paint
the world
pastel red
and sing
songs as
the world
falls apart.
       And I'll remind
you that
you're absolutely
beautiful when
we take our
last breaths
       And although
I was never
able to
write every
moment
and paint
every horizon
we've rested
our time upon.
      I'd like to
think that
I made you
the happiest you
could ever be.

There was something
pure in your eyes
and something
sinister about
your smile.
And my god,
I loved it.

Some day
I'm going to
wake up
with a smile
on my face
and this burden
of your
beauty
will no longer
be weighing
down on my chest.

But today
is not that
day.

I wasn't alive when he took
his last breath.
      But I remember all of his words,
And I've never been so moved.

Like the animosity seeping
from his pours
and the faint scent
of liquor on his breath;

It seems like
some things
never
fully
die.

The message
you carry
is more
valuable
than
your defeats
and
it is
with this
knowledge
in which
I hope
you choose
to keep walking.

Sometimes I wish I could fly
So I can go to the highest point in the world
Look down
And not be afraid

I'd sit there and watch as everyone crowded around
Down below
To see what I was up too
And I'd listen to their faint voices
Asking questions like
'Is he going to jump?'

And I would

I wouldn't start flying until I was almost to the ground
Just to see their expressions
'It's a bird, it's a plane!'
No, it's just me

That's why I wish I could fly
Just to mess around.

I was high on LSD when we first met.
And there is nothing poetic in that statement.
Just honesty.
And you can take that for what it is
but I want you to know this
because even when my skin
was crawling-
you made me feel comfortable.

You were an abrupt kind of bliss
and I could not have been happier
with the light I had suddenly found.

You guessed I was a cancer
and I did not answer
because you saw in my eyes
you knew you were right.

And it was in that moment
I felt a connection
with the kind of
complexion
that was sure to

leave me every night.

I guess it was foolish of me to think
you would stay.

High hopes
and low expectations
is what they say
but I just cannot accept that
these days.

It is getting hard to hold my head up
when all I do is think of you
but my friends keep telling me
that I will make it through
even though

you don't miss me anymore.

I didn't want to be lonely;
I just wanted to be alone.
And I know that sometimes
silence can be your best-friend,
but I needed something
so much more than that.
Now I'm stricken with this
resentment;
this unsettling feeling that my
attempts at isolation have been
nothing but selfish-acts of
pitiful-shame.
I need someone now
more than ever,
but I can't seem to admit
my need.

Growing up
     is not what
it seems.

       That's why
there are
people in their fifties
         acting like
they're fifteen.

I'm not asking
        for life to be easy.
I'm not asking
        for everything to always
        go my way.
It'd just be nice
if I could just have
one opportunity
at escaping the craziness
inside my head
and my surroundings.

I know I've made mistakes.
          But I never had the
          intentions
          to do anything wrong.

Honesty
      shouldn't
           hurt,
                      Neither should love.

         But things
     don't
           always go
 as planned.

There will always be
too little
or too much

and perfection
will always be
subjective.



My advice;




learn the rules,
then,


do what pleases you.

The way you
  walked was
    vivacious,
and the way
   you spoke
was taunting.

       When you walked into
       the room my eyes became
                     hooked...
           and the fixation
      continues to
manifest.

I'll never know,    
I'll never try,
                   And I'll never care.

Those that lack compassion will never
utilize their second chances
and I am not saying this to be romantic
I am just letting you know what is true;

the only difference between

love &
        hate
                is

what you see inside of you.

You're full of dreams,
     and all of
        the sweetness
           in this beautiful world.

I looked at you today.
    And I "checked you out"
for a good moment or two.
And in those moments,
I didn't really think about too much.
I just thought of you.

For the first time, in a long time,
There wasn't something
   Eating away at my thoughts.
I realized how I could really
        get used to that feeling of clarity.
And it reminded me to tell you;
          That you have the most beautiful eyes.

I never really traveled much;
that upsets me.
So I'll put my fingers on this modeled globe,
And travel across the world.
    In little to no time at all.

You know that old saying
"Actions speak louder than words"?
Well, I've learned to observe
the behavioral patterns
of when our conversations
become a burden.

I am a professional at
reading the signs
of unamused eyes
and you just stare
right through me.

I guess that is fair play.

After all, I used to say
too much
and you cared
when you could.

Foolish of me to think there would
ever be a middle.

We left on words
misunderstood
and nothing more
would follow.

You had a boundary
that I overlooked.

I guess
"hello"
was all
it
took.

Some people want
nothing to do with you
until your success
becomes something
that they **envy

I hope you
remember
that
somewhere
along
the
lines,

I  
was
there.

I breathed you in
like the smoke from my
last cigarette;
it was bitter-sweet
to taste you on my lips.
And although I never had anything
all-that-useful to say,
I'd like for it to be known
that I still
           love you.

even if your cancer
is metastasizing
in my
heart.

Maybe the
hard times
are over.
Or maybe
they've just
begun.

All I know is;
I have to keep
finding hope
in every tomorrow,
and inspiration
from all of
my yesterday's.

For the past couple of months, I have been staying-up way too late and have been sleeping-in way too much.
      My days have been consistent of waking up just to wish that I could go back to bed.
          How ridiculous is that?

At one point in time,
I could've sworn that things would be different right now...

But not too much has changed...

       Just my attitude.
           And the long list of failure's that continues to grow.

I never knew
       this day would come
    as fast as it did.

                 I always thought
              that I would just
               stay young
                       forever.

Because
         honestly,

      being young
is the only
           thing I'm
      good at.

I started to settle in
my skin for the
first time as I began
to believe
that these bones
will one day
be a thing of the
past.

But like the dust
that has collected
on my hindered-hopes;
I will brush off
these worries
of a better life,
and use them
as my motivation
for tomorrow.

My eyes are growing weary
From counting all these sheep
I'm trying to stay awake
When I'd much rather, sleep.

I can't seem to understand it
Why they are this way

The blind following noises
Just to make it through the day?

Do they choose to walk this path
Because they're afraid of being alone?
Or do they choose to walk this path
So the blame is not their own?

"I was just doing what they said!"
"I thought it would be okay..."
"I've never done this before."
"Man, I feel so ashamed..."

Where is the responsibility?
Where are the roles?
Everyone's a sheep
And thy cannot make it on their own

Do not fear a wolf
For the wolf, is not around.
When you have a chance, take it!
Success will be what's found.

Do not join the herd
Do not become a sheep
Try to stay awake
When the others are asleep.

Too often
I forget,
That when
I trust
Someone,
They don’t
Have to
Do the same
In return.

Trust isn't
A two way
Street.
It’s one way.
And sometimes,
If you’re lucky,
Someone will
Turn down your
One way street
Regardless of the
Precept.

Too often
I forget,
That trust
Isn't something
That will always be
Returned.

Because trust isn't
An obligation
For someone else

It’s an expectation
You already have for them.

With every second chance
        I'm given,
                        I only
        make another mistake.
when will I
      Learn?

Life does not always work out as planned.
There are certain situations and
certain circumstances that
are simply out of our control
and we have to do our best to
accept the fact that
we are powerless.

This is something in my life that I have
always struggled to admit
let alone
try to understand.

There is a dwelling desire

        to always want to know

and there is nothing in this world
that has burdened me more.

I have been through relationships
both casual and
                           significant
             and most of them have
one thing in common;

   they came to an end
at the extent of my
              over-pushing hands.

And even though both sides
were to blame-

I oftentimes found the
scale of suffering
to be tipped

    in my favor.

You see,

I am tired of countless nights
of questiong my self worth.

I am exhausted and
depleted of all my
"excess positivity"

    there comes a point in every humans life
        where you realize
               no one is worth
                                making you feel
                                        insignificant.

Stil­l-
it is hard to say goodbye.

And it is even harder to
begin again
knowing you will have
to do some of it

               alone

but
there will be a day

where your own company
is not so bad.


And I hope it comes for you
just as much as I hope it
comes for me;

where every morning
feels

like a victory.

-Andrew Durst.

Some nights,
I just feel so small...
And I don't know
what to do
with myself.

I don't know whether or not
I should laugh
         or have a really good cry.

I feel like a gray area
trapped in such
a beautifully colored world.

There's nothing you can say to me that I haven't heard already.

And I know you've been hurt.
     But I would never treat you
like the others.

                 Can't we learn
            to forgive
      without having
  to forget?

Slowing down and finding the time to take a
"breather"
is easier said than done.
And when you finally do,
it feels like you've lost a lung.

Nothing ever comes easy;
although I wish it would.

            But when you work for something;
the rest comes as it should.

When people talk
about you
like you're a
piece of meat,
                       I want to break
               their jaws...

Because you are
so much more
than just
another
pretty face.

When every sound
          becomes silent
and my eyes
        become useless,

You'll
find me
going
mad.

Lately my thoughts
have been reduced
to suicide and intoxication.
      Lying in bed at night
   looking for any kind
  of good-vibration.
Obviously I've been nothing
      but ****-out-of-luck.
Because every morning
         that I wake-
    I feel like nobody gives
           a ****.

the only word
  that comes to mind
      when trying
           to describe my
          father is
              strong.

So it shook
   me up a bit
to see him
in a hospital
             bed.

And I know I'm not alone whenever I feel chills rush up my arms
and down my spine.
And I know that all of this time I've
spent by myself will not go unnoticed or in vein.
I used to believe that the burdens we carry and all of the things we have lost were just part of some elaborate game of give and take.
                    But I see now,
          and I believe now;
we are not the mistakes that
we made yesterday.