You are everything I have always wanted
and nothing I will ever have the pleasure of experiencing.

When I wake  up at 4am,
I love that it's your arms that wrap around me.
I love when your fingers brush softly against my skin,
attempting to soothe me.
I love how you always kiss me before you leave, whether I'm asleep or awake.
I love that I'm more comfortable getting dressed in front of you
than in front of my mirror.
When I have a rough day, I love coming home to you sitting on the couch and just be able to straddle hug you for 15 minutes.
My mood always changes instantly when I see your face.
I love that.
I love how you always bring out the best in people, especially me.
I love how much trust we have in each other.
I love how protective and jealous you get when it comes to me.
Sometimes I act annoyed, but it actually makes my heart melt.
I love that I can never actually be mad at you.
I just act like it because I have to seem tough sometimes when it comes to you.
I love that you give me the shirt off your back to wear to bed every night.
It still has your warmth.
The scent that still lingers on it engulfs me, and make me feel so safe.
I love that.
I love that we both have big dreams.
Our families both think that we are wasting our time, money, and effort.
They believe will never get to where we want to be.
They think it's impossible.
But it's okay.
We don't need them.
We believe in each other.
We support each other, pick each other up, and push each other a little bit harder.
I love that.
You told me you loved me 3 months ago.
And I still haven't said it back.
But you continue to tell me it multiples times a day.
I know you know how I feel,
you have to.
I love that you haven't rushed me.
You have been so patient with me.
I love everything about you,
I'm so in love with you.
I'm just scared to tell you.

Our love started like a little rain,
And quickly turned into a hurricane.
We were as strong as your favorite *****,
But now we are nothing but old news.
They say the pain will go away,
But I still think about you every single day.

"We became everything we said we would never be."
What a cliché saying.
But those nine simple words hold more truth than our relationship ever did.

I believe that once upon a time we all did have a soul mate.
Then people started ruining it.
7 billion people in this world,
and you have never left your town.
You really think you found your soul mate there?
You didn't.
You settled.
With someone else's soulmate.
So then that persons soulmate had to settle for someone else as well.
And took another persons soulmate.
See a pattern?
People don't believe in soul mates until they find them.
I promise you won't find them in a town of 300 people.
Get out and live your life.
Explore the world.
Find who you are meant to be with.
Stop settling with someone that you love.
You can love anyone.
Find the one that you are in love with.
There's a big difference.

I laugh because you were hoping this would shatter me into a million pieces.
The best part about it is that you're the one in a million pieces.
I sit here feeling like I'm on top of the world.
While you're the one feeling lost in your own skin.
I get a strange satisfaction out of this.
Maybe it was because you never knew how to treat me.
You never showed me how much you cared about me or loved me.
But now seeing you like this,
I can now see the affect I had on you.
And I love it.
I hope you will be tortured by this forever,
Because you will never get me back.
One thing I hope you get out of this is how to treat not only a woman,
But the people you love in general.
Because no one ever deserves to be treated the way you treated me.
And I can't believe it took me that 3 years to realize that.

It hurts because you know everything about me.
Everything I struggle with.
Everything that looms over my head from sun up to sun down,
Like a giant storm cloud,
Waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
You know the stuff that whirls around in my head
Like a tornado,
Destroying everything inside of me.
Why do you use this stuff against me?
Why do you feel the need to throw it all back in my face until it burns?
I've been trying to pull myself out of this hole for years,
Only to have you dig me even deeper into the ground.
My psychiatrist says I should eliminate all the bad from my life.
So I decided to take her advice,
And I'm starting with you.
That's why I have your bags packed
And the front door wide open.
I finally have the courage to say I'm done.
I'm done with your ****.
And to be honest,
I really don't care if you have a nice life.
Just get out of mine.

Adrenaline pulses through my body with every touch.
You make me feel so alive.
I find it quite ironic.
One minute you make me feel like I'm 16 again,
So young, naive, and in love.
And the next minute you become the monster I never thought you would be.
The thing with love though,
Is that you can never get enough of it.
No matter how bad you treat me,
I still can't stop coming back for more.
We are like a magnetic field.
Roaming until we find each other.
We always do.
We always will.
I love that.

Morphine.
That is what I need to heal the pain you left me with.
The pain that my body has come so accustomed to.
You gave me a reason to live, but ripped it out from under my feet.
I let you have so much control over me.
My thoughts.
My feeling.
My future.
How could I have been such a fool?
When I hear your name, I don't smile anymore.
I don't even feel anything anymore.
I'm numb.
You have ****** the life out of me.
I'm not living, but I'm surviving.
Surviving to make it to the day when you mean absolutely nothing to me anymore.

I want you here with me so I don't have to keep taking a walk down memory, trying to remember the way it used to be.

I want to live it.

I want you here with me so when I get sad or scared I don't have to think back to a time when you used to hold me so tight in your arms.

I want to feel it.

I want you here so that every time I hear your name it's not a stab to my chest that makes my heart sink into my stomach.

I want butterflies.

I want you here with me so I don't have to keep thinking back to a time when I used to be happy.

I want my happiness back.

I want my life back.

I want our life back.

**Together.

The rain is coming down harder than I take my liquor.
My mind automatically takes me back to it's darkest state.
A state where you continue to occupy.
You think I'd be past this by now.
But I'm not.
I feel so stupid.
There is still this piece of me that continues to hold on,
In hopes that one day you will come back.
But I know you won't.
I know I'm just naive.
And maybe thats a good thing.
My heart sinks deeper,
As I let this storm engulf my whole body.

It not that I don't trust you.
I do.
I'm just so insecure about myself.
I'm not good enough for you.
And I know that.
It worries me.
Because one day I'm scared you're going to realize it too.
I'm scared that I will come home from work.
And your bags will be packed.
And I'll watch you walk away to something better.

Do you miss trail of light I left in your dark head?
While I was painting your mind of new colors,
You were painting mine black.
I ejected the pain from your body,
While at the same time you were injecting it into my heart.
I took the demons you fought with,
Only to have them make their way into my soul
I dont regret it though.
I'm glad I could fix you,
Even if I can't fix myself.

We live in a world that is unfair,
But the rich don't seem to care.

While sitting there are the poor,
Left with no door.

Some people think they are so high up on their blocks.
But guess what? We all still turn back our clocks.

We live in world where everyone thinks "you wish you were me."
We live in a time where no one can find glee.

We shut down the government because we can't come to an agreement,
While people are fighting a war that is nothing but vehement.

We live where there is no compromise.
No one even bothers to apologize.

What one has is never good enough,
And everyone runs away when things get tough.

No one ever has any remorse.
And it leaves everyone else so coarse.

Some of us are living off of our ego,
While other are living off chemo.

Life feels like a constant game.
Isn't that such a shame?

I saw you with her today.
No wonder why the sky was so gray.

I didn't know it would bring me so much hurt,
But I sit here and feel like a piece of dirt.

I knew this day would come,
I thought that would take the pain away some.

It didn't.

I don't mean to get all sappy.
But I hope she makes you happy.

I know I never could,
So this was probably for your own good.

I'm not what you deserve,
So I'll just sit here silently and observe.

When did everything start getting hazy?
I feel like I'm going crazy.

I don't even feel like I'm alive.
Please don't give me a jive.

Everything is starting to fold.
When did I get this cold?

How am I supposed to survive,
When I don't have any strive?

I don't want anybody's sympathy,
Please just let me have my own epiphany.

My life is a mess.
That is all that crosses my mind as
I lie in the grass and stare up at the crest.
What is left in this life?
Where is the rest?
This can't be it.
It can't be, because nothing fits.
I stare up into the beautiful light,
and try to find the motivation to fight.
I  just hope I can get this right.

We're looking at the same sky,
But we are in two different worlds.
I'm wrapped in your arms,
And it still feels like we are miles apart.
There is nothing that can be said to mend this broken heart.
I watched you walk away.
And I sat there dumbfounded, not knowing what to say.
All I wanted to do was make you stay.
But I couldn't.
Now I will sit here and pretend that everything is okay.

Your manipulation causes my fixation.
I crave you in the deepest of ways.
You are like a drug.
And I'm addicted.
You are my obsession.
You have taken my mind hostage.
All I can think about is you.
So why am I told these feeling are a crime?
When we touch everything in this messed up world seems fine.
They don't see what I see in you,
But that's okay.
I don't need them to.

They always say the best relationships happen unexpectedly.
And my god were you unexpected.
It's like you fell right from the sky
And into my life where the puzzle piece was missing.
What a perfect fit you were.

So many paths I could have taken
So many places I could have gone
and I continue to sit here on this couch
in this insignificant town.

"Those will **** you, you know."
They say to me as
I take a long drag from my cigarette.
I can't help but chuckle at their naivety.
"That's the whole point."
I respond as I exhale the smoke.
The cloud of leaves my mouth
And quickly drifts away,
Just like the rest of my life will.

I want to thank you.
Thank you for all the bruises
and the black eyes,
and the ****** noses.
If they wouldn't have happened, I would not be where I am today.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it was me that got me where I am today.
Because that would be a lie.
It was all you.
You were the person who made me who I am.
You molded me.
You shaped me.
You damaged me.
You broke me.
You ruined my life.
Rot in hell you *******.

I’m sorry I wasn’t the homecoming queen.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the star basketball player.
I’m sorry I wasn’t captain of the football team.
I’m sorry I wasn’t head cheerleader.
I’m sorry I wasn't an honors student.
I’m sorry I wasn't the most popular kid in school.
I’m sorry I’m not pretty.
I’m sorry I’m not skinny.
I’m sorry I’m depressed.
I’m sorry I’m complicated.
I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you.
I’m sorry I’m a waste of time.
I’m sorry I’m a disappointment.
I’m sorry I’m me.
*…but I’m even more sorry that I’m alive.

We are polar opposites.

I cannot be who you want me to be.
I cannot give you what you want.

I don't even know who I am.

You keep pushing,

And at some point I am going to fall off the cliff.

I will end up taking you down with me.

I am a ticking time bomb.

*I will ruin you.

I have this fear that you will discover that I’m not as great.
I am strong, but I break.

All the women walk down the street,
All beautiful and petite.

I look down the street to stumble upon long slender legs and dainty feet,
Only to realize it is because she does not eat.

I see a distorted image constructed by society’s idea of beauty,
And I am no longer aware of my duty.

People are always trying to define you,
That is what makes us all so blue.

I will never be good enough,
Which makes life so much more rough.

All I do is cry,
But my tears are running dry.

I sit here with a blade to my arm,
It has gotten so bad I turned to self harm.

I will never be good enough for you.
And with that I bid you adieu.

As I close my eyes,
The room fills with my cries.

Society is eating me alive.
When did this depression arrive?

All I want to do is heal.
But nothing here is real.

Here’s to society for making me hate myself.
You can place your trophies up on your shelf.

You injected your poison into my mind.
Heaven forbid you be the least bit kind.

This is the real world, no glass shoe.
Do not fall into the hole and let society define you.

I'm not quite sure what to say,
because you were the one who walked away.
I gave you everything and you left me with nothing.
You left me as nothing.
I sit here in pieces on my floor,
wishing that I could have been something more.
But I couldn't be.
And that is something that can only be put on me.

The war in my mind has been anything but kind.
As the blood gushes from my thighs,
I wonder why I live in a life of lies.
The desire to stop cutting is not there.
Without them I'll be bare.
You all think I am happy as can be....
But I'm hiding all the pain can't you see?
I want to stop thinking because every time I do,
I feel myself sinking.
I took the pills...but they only left me sitting here with chills.
The rope seems to be my only hope.
I don't want to be here.
Haven't I made that perfectly clear?

I was slowly drowning,
but no one saw my struggle to keep my head above surface.
It's too late now.
Mind completely consumed.
My body was taken hostage.
The demons dance during my interlude.
I just don't want to hold on anymore.
I am nothing.
I am tired.
I am done.
**You win.

I find to much beauty in the rain,
as I sit here and watch myself completely drain.

I can't seem to process what you said,
as I silently sit here contemplating in my head.

All I can think about is how I wish I were dead.

"They don't care about you anyway."
So why do I sit here and continue to stay?

If tonight I decide to say goodbye,
would you please sing me a lullaby?

Or will you continue to stare at me like I'm some foreign creature
and watch me cry?