I missed you again today
I took a step forward
While you took a step back
You saw and went to meet me
But I was already changing course
It's so frustrating..
The days we're out of sync
That end with questions unanswered

I missed another text today
A friend came by to check in
I just wasn't paying attention
And left you standing at the door
Left you staring at the word “delivered"
While I space out
Staring at an empty wall

Why is it so easy sometimes
To know exactly what everyone's thinking
And so ******* days like today
Where I feel completely disconnected
The answers are written on the faces
That I can't read or never see
I hope it's just a phase

Days like today leave me afraid

That I'm losing my humanity.

I never thought I'd hear from you again
But then you came back just to say goodbye
Is that supposed to make anything okay
Why tell me that you're leaving if you can't tell me why

Please come back..
Not a part of me holds anything against you
I didn't fill the hole you left with hate
I didn't fill it at all.. your spot still waits for you

You cheated,
And now they come for me.
No questions,
No eye contact,
Just a deep silence
To marinate me
In the guilt
That we missed one,
But you cheated,
And they don’t seem too bothered,
So let's continue stepping forward
Because maybe they won’t notice.

How could it be possible
A decision so small
To text some random stranger
Would lead to finding my all
We're only two in billions
And not even ones close by
But now you're the only one I think about
What I see behind closed eyes
I don't believe in miracles
You don't believe in fate
We just got so **** lucky
But luck is all it takes

First fascinated strangers
Then we became new friends
Then bonding brought us closer
But it all started with hitting send
Fondness turned to attraction
And that would normally be the end
But there was so much more ahead for us
That I never imagined before hitting send

Things changed when I first read "I love you"
But I won't pretend it was a fairytale
We're both far from perfect people
But the truth in that statement prevailed
I've done my best to put my amazement
At how we got here into words
But the feelings are too great
Too complex for patchwork rhymes
Perhaps even with no rules
With words wielded freely
I still could not do it justice
But it's worth it to me to try

I love you too.
It's hard to believe I've had the honor
Of calling myself yours for 6 months now
Especially considering how simply it all started
But now you're my best friend
And I want to tell you about every unimportant thing
As much as I want to hear about all of your uneventful days
And I want to share the ones that mean more
With only you
Because you make the best of life even better
And the worst of it not so bad
I'm so glad I have you
Happy 6 months, darling.

To those who have everything,
More will be given,
To those who have nothing,
More will be taken.
I just hope that living in between both extremes
Could lend me a lifetime of the seasoning
You pinch on my days
Providing hope in me through your delicacies.
Don’t worry about something
That you don’t know.
Don’t spend time wishing
When these moments are passing.
The love I give is an eternally full cup
With no bottom.
Pour yours into mine,
And let's see where these moments take us.

You are the moon in my sky
A constant reminder
Of what I couldn’t possibly have
Without risking everything.
You make me want to change
As my tides abide by your influence,
But you come closer
And push away just as easy,
Just as often.

I want you to stay,
For I am not the one keeping you there,
I’m a mere light on the side of the road,
And tell me, my dear,
How can a streetlight illuminate the moon?
But I can’t help myself from staring
When you show yourself
No matter how close to
Or far away,
A smile takes over my face.

I wish to hold you,
And have you by my side,
Even if it brings chaos and destruction.
I’m drawn to you like gravity
So fly out of reach,
And stop this dance you have with me,
Or give me a chance,
And allow me to show you
What it means
To be infinite.

Was it a glitch?
Or was it a reminder
That the end is coming?
I speak to the stars
To provide answers,
As they have passed on
Inspiration to gaze upon
For years,
But they remain silent
As though they have forgotten me.
Perhaps since I learned my death day
On January 1st,
I lost my ability to live
With the gift
Of new knowledge.

I cheated,
And now feel invisible
As the world
Passes around me.
I’m no longer an obstruction
I’m just a figure
With no shadow,
With only the ability to write,
And post
And fulfill what I promised,
But I fear
What comes after
When yesterday’s
Was written illegible.

Is there something wrong with me,
For feeling like I do?
With so many beautiful eyes around me,
I only want to be seen by you.
You have doubts cause there are others closer,
But I only want to be held by you.
I was doing fine alone,
But now I can hardly breathe without you.

There are thirteen hours between us,
After the sun sets you begin your day,
But I miss sleep just to talk to you,
And then rest easy knowing you're okay.
Is it okay to fall this hard?
To feel as if nothing else matters..
To throw my heart to you across the world,
Knowing if you don't catch it, it will shatter.

I can't stop myself from trusting you though,
Because everything's so much better,
When I let all my walls down and love,
Your love warms me like a sweater.
I hold on to hope that I'll be with you someday,
Doing all we hoped we'd do,
I believe if I keep holding on,
There's no way you won't come through.

I know there's nothing wrong with me,
I'm just learning how to trust.
You've given me something to believe in,
After so many promises crumbled to dust.
I won't feel guilty for trusting you,
As long as your love is guaranteed,
Because a life with you is worth the risk,
Darling, you are all I need.

Two people met,
Took a chance,
Fell in love,
Had children.

This cycle repeated,
From the origins of the human species,
Until it was my parents’ turn,
And they had me on a day of a year,
In a hospital in a town,

They left that town,
Left the next,
And the next,
Just happened to end up
Somewhere that I’d learn
About the college I go to now.

I met people along the way,
With each random collision,
I was shaped into who I am today.

Who would I be,
If i was born just a day sooner or later?
In the next town over?
Into the family in the other hospital room?
Met just one fewer person along the way?

Would I still have met you?

There’s billions of people on this small blue planet,
What’s so special about one grain of sand,
On a beach with trillions indistinguishable?

I believe in no intention behind it,
But so many things happened,
To lead that grain of sand,
Being where it was,
To be picked up by you.

So on this planet of billions,
When I think about how lucky I’d need to be to meet you,
And how even luckier I am to be called yours,
I can’t help but be crushed by the weight of our improbability,
And feel all the luck that put you in my arms.

Sparks like candle wax
Drip from you intrinsically,
Full of energy no matter
How far the sun cowers away.
Mythic in the way
They fly, yet, overlooked somehow
In a sea of people starving to
See the light,

But the loss
Has caged your soul
And cast it away,
And the sparks fly less frequent
As now you recognize
The sky is grey,
You say crying makes you feel weakness,
But glue can only fix some surfaces.
Of which, your soul, is no such one.

Mending cannot transpire
With but glue and tape,
Rather the appliance hinders growth
And transformation.
Weakness is the act of self dishonesty,
And being thrown off
By such a loss as this,
And accepting that grief has accredited you
The will to cry, to taper off the boiling ***,
Is beyond that of growth and strength.

Knowing what you deserve
Must be the hardest step to take,
But taking the wet macular
From staining your eyes,
So that you might let your sparks
Once again shine,
Is at the very least that to which I’ve referred.
One step at a time,
And I’m sure you’ll be right back
To skip yourself along in tranquility,
But glue can only fix some surfaces.

Lost in your head for part of the day
I'm friends with all your voices
And they all have nice things to say
But how'd you get so broken into this
5 people in one mind
But they all call themselves mine
And every day for just a few moments
Every voice comes into sync
And I hear every part of you
With all 5 voices
Tell me you love me

I don’t know my right from my left,
And tomorrow is the first day
Of the rest of my life
Is what everyone tells me.

Are they living in a separate reality than I?
Or are they all just pretending
That the sky isn’t overcast,
And the sun shines brightly?

My heart has a migraine,
And it’s been this way since yesterday:
The last day of the beginning
Of my life.

The forecast tells that the weather
Will remain unchanging
Until I finally get out of bed,
But I can’t bear to see another wasted day.

My heart has a migraine,
And now I might know my right from my left,
But time remains restless,
While I continue letting drain the hourglass—

Will I ever get out of bed?

I'm not afraid of strangers
But.. maybe I should be
My belief in people's ability
To be good
Is it ungrounded?
Or was it just a stupid dream..
A reality that only lives
In the unrestricted wilds of my imagination's depths?

The setting was dark
Night time on a suburban outskirt street
Light poles spill out orange light
Coloring the sidewalk ahead of me
But I'm not walking for leisure
I'm walking away from something
All I have is an echo of voices
Voices that wish to destroy all I have
Despite all I have residing in a single van.

At this point I have nothing
I am homeless
And I am hated
Nothing too strange to not exist in reality
Maybe I should be afraid of strangers

My hurried shuffling brings me to a van
That I recognize as my own
That I recognize as my home.
But what's inside is unrecognizable
A body quick to rise
A face I've never seen that speaks with a voice I've never heard
"Get out of here, this is my car"
He said..
This car is all I have.. I couldn't let it go
"No, it's mine and I can prove it. I have the key."
I respond with all confidence
He's in the wrong and I can prove it
But in a moment right and wrong is no longer based in logic

He pulls out a gun.

Why would someone who doesn't know me
Be so ready to **** me..
And for what..?
A car..?
I've heard of people dying for less in this world
Maybe I should be afraid of strangers

So now I turn around
Running as best I can
While curses, threats, and insults are thrown at me
But they have no sting
Nothing can hurt me with my adrenaline so high
Knowing that I'm trapped in this street with no cover
Running away with no chance of escape
Just going through the motions
As I wait to hear the gunshot that ends me

And then I woke up.

I came into the world
Covered in slimy filth
I was given a name
My hair and my eyes
Already their gene appointed color
But it seems that nothing about me
Would shape my future more
Than what was or wasn't between my legs

I will always be a male by ***
But gender was assumed
Assigned because nobody knew better
A sign of the times I was born into
But as the world changed
New parts of my mind
Were opened and now I see differently

*** determined organs
And ****** functions
The rate of my growth
Tweaked hormones and such
Made me predisposed to conditions
Purely biological,
My ***

My gender however,
Determined how I was treated
Came with social implications
Of how I should act
Often split me from other humans...

I was given different advice
Held to different expectations
My role in a marriage
Other strange implications...

But   why ?

Not why genders have rules
But why genders at all
It bothers me the differences
Made by the pronouns you're called

I was born with a *****
I was born with a ******
But I don't feel like a man
I don't feel like a woman

These labels are arbitrary
And I long to be free of them
Why must I be man or woman
I just want to be person


I believe my consciousness is without gender.
I'm just a person. That's it.


This experience - is gender apathy.

There’s been damage
Another crack in the wall of trust we built together

There’s writing on it now
Telling tales of future betrayal
And panicked thoughts
Fill my head
Telling me to either fortify or run away

And what do you do in response?

“I’m sorry”

A bandaid on a dam about to burst
Not even that
Because you still hold the hammer
That you took to our wall
Trying to tell me you’ve dropped it
While tightening your grip

“It’s okay”

My response creates a cloud
Now communication is severed
And we’re only exchanging pleasantries
To keep up a veil
A large but thin cloth
In the place our wall stood
So I don’t see you build your arsenal
While I build new walls and retreat

*******.
For keeping sweet music in my ears
Performing sleight of hand to distract me
Telling me sweet and beautiful lies

I wanted to believe you
But my eyes fell from your lips this time
To your knuckles growing pale
Telling of a coming attack
While your mouth told of retreat

By the time you hear this I’ll be far away
Or maybe right behind your back
Was my retreat a setup for me to someday go on the attack?
I’ll let that burn inside you so you know how the paranoia feels
And if I ever get revenge.. I guess I can only say “I’m sorry”

From clouds above,
High and massive
Things are falling
On vast green plains
And dry deserts shaded yellow and orange.
For some, the falling brings smells
Of cleansing and new life,
And fresh new mornings filled with opportunity,
But for others the falling brings only
The stench of destruction
Of environments and lives.

The rain immerses one in a state
Of taking the long cold streaks
For granted, as it’s just another inconvenience
To the already somber day.
Rainbows are dreams
Hidden behind closed eyes
Of those forgotten,
Whose existence consists of turbulence
And tremors.

Resting minds are forced awake
Elsewhere tired eyes stare out windows,
Anxiety filling them both,
As the thunder rolls in ever closer
Until it is at last upon them.
An all encompassing roar
That some believe to be directed by gods,
And some to be brought by man themselves.

As one looks out,
Gazing on the horizon,
The sun lighting the sky in an orange haze,
While the rain, gives off a haze of its own
When it strikes the ground,
Leaving a growing terror
On a face,
As the baleful sound
Steadily approaches,
From the rolling thunder.

April showers conjure memories for some
Of time spent in the comfort of a warm bed
While raindrops pour steadily outside the window
And of running through the grass
As a carefree child
Until a flash of lightning and a roll of thunder
Send them running excitedly to the safety of home
But it’s because of no small privilege
They are able to think this way
Showers are not the same only half a world away

Usually seconds are counted after the sound,
To tell the distance,
But the distance is closed
In an instant,
With the barrage of shells,
And the shock of thousands
As their mouths open wide
With no audible sound
From the crushing wave
Of the falling rain.
Run or hide,
Both choices
Are alike in the outcome,
Only apart by placement.

Across the world a child that’s different,
Only because of where they were born,
Is hiding under covers,
In a country that’s been torn;
The thunder doesn’t scare them
Simply because it’s loud,
But because it’s not lightning that causes the sound
And it came from a drone, not a cloud
While one splashes in puddles happily
Without a care in the world
The other lives with seeing many they know
In pools of their own blood

Rain, oh rain, go away

I see you over there
Staring at the floor
Behind your eyes
I can see that you want more
You know what it is
What you’re looking for
But dreams are hard to chase
And they’re easy to ignore

So you keep your head down
So your feet don’t leave that floor
Cause there’s no chance of falling
If you never try to soar
But does the pain of knowing
What you could do
Ever go away
When you pretend that you don’t want it
Is it any easier that way

You can tell your feet
To leave the ground
Take a deep breath
And ignore the sound
Of the doubts inside your head
That are keeping you down
Do it now

Leave this place
A prison for the free
A prison you built yourself
And one where your belief
And the desire for something more
Is the only key you need
So go and do it now
Pursue the possibilities

Your body’s heavy  
And it’s a battle just to breathe
So where could you ever find the strength
To even try to leave
Take a long look inside
Don’t leave the dreaming for your bed
The fire inside you will burn
Until you give up or you’re dead

Stillness is the surest sign
That you’ve lost sense of your will
It may be small in the beginning
But in time it’s strong enough to ****
You can move your body
With a soul that’s stuck in place
And it’s easy to lose sight of the point
When you learn that all will be erased

So what if nothing here
Means anything
If you find something
That means everything to you
A reason for living
A purpose you give yourself
Chase it now.

Leave this place
A prison for the free
A prison you built yourself
And one where your belief
And the desire for something more
Is the only key you need
So go and do it now
Pursue the possibilities

Just hang in there
You’ve only a moment to shine
You can’t impact everybody’s life
But you’ve impacted mine
You’ve made the one small speck of time I have
So much better
I’ll remember you forever
Even though my forever has an end
It made my everything
Just to know you, friend.

Laying beside
Direction the same
Aligned against
Hands on your stomach
Staring at the black threads
That streak down
Never out of place
I memorize each thread
Questioning if you even
Recognize me
After gazing at the wall for so long
Almost lifeless
But laying alone, myself,
I'd rather be buried.

It kills me knowing
You're away in your head
Not present to feel
The touch of my fingertips
Or the silent breathing
Against skin

I lay in wishing
With each breath
That you'll remember me
Longer than the next morning
I lay in hope
That when you face me
You won't tire of what you see.

I lay in desperation
And in fear
Of losing you
With ourselves sitting,
Watching
These eyes and heart
Fading away
Less than an arm's reach
From the desired dream
Less than an arm's reach
When I'll lose you

And I'll be cast
Into detriment
Soaked in self-loathing
Screaming internally
At my mistakes.

Life was only worth living
With SSRIs in the system
It was only a matter of time
Before I regressed without them
Back to the bottom
Another AllTimeLow
The headaches
The despair
The empty
If I can’t live without you
Do I even deserve to live with you

And so the cycle repeats
From one in-person
To six online,
And the projection for the next year
Is likely to continue
With a moving average
Of about the same lows and highs,
Producing a straight, flat line.

Don’t bet on me.

Memories plant the ability to look backwards on one’s reality
So that they may change
And realize what was worth the pain
And what was only a mistake.

Although wishing for amnesia
Makes for a painful breakup song
I doubt anyone would truly
Wish for something so cruel.

Self awareness revoked
Just sitting in a chair
Not even conscious
While staring at whatever lies right in front

Not understanding why people hug you
And why they're crying
Not understanding what
Crying even is

As the mumbles
Incomprehensible
Escape from chapped lips
And dire eyes

I wonder if you’d even know of your end.

No matter how much I change,
You will always see the face of the me who hurt you.
I guess the truth is I’m inescapable though.
I’m never someone new, just the same me but bigger.
My brain gets a few more wrinkles,
And I try to be better than I was yesterday.

How can you do that to somebody,
After telling them you loved them?
Believe the lies you tell yourself,
And pass them on to people who care?
They deserve better, you know?
You really don’t think you could be better?

It doesn’t really matter anymore,
No apologies will fix this.
Every word breathed in desperation for forgiveness,
Is like burning acid rain on their soul.
Your presence only serves as a reminder of the danger of trust,
So you’re better gone than forgiven.

A cold abrasion
Numbing as quickly
As the words outpouring
Making raw a mind
Knowing no different
Than to accept
And try to live with
The disappointment
Of oneself.

Havoc raining as a wave
Twice as tall
Allowing no escape
But to watch
As the trauma unfolds
And the words
Spoken out of hate
Branded on my brain
As a reminder
Of being unworthy.

A blank canvas
Unknowing
To the wide staring eyes
Bruised beneath
The blank canvas veil
That is the shell
Of skin,
More alien on this body
The more photo albums
A mind fills with memories.

Could I really be
The monster
Of which
She speaks?

Deleting
Is the only option
To escape the toil
Of counting fingers
And reading
Truths and falsehoods
To conclude
Innocence or guilt
In my adolescence.

Silence is a grave
That one finds comfort in
When these walls
Are so used to ringing ears
From the storm
That only lasts seconds
But lingers
In the gilded silence
As the mind speaks
Above the bloodflow
When all one can do
Is plug ears
With fingertips
In order to live with oneself

Retaliation lies beneath
The bleeding
Now only visible
If friends are let close
To see
As the heart
Tears threads
That have been sewn
To restrict emotion
Loosening the seal
On the demon cradled within

A furnace
Are thrown the old photo albums
But in turn are the recents
As a block in the mind
Has been created
To forget
Because nothing is worth remembering
During a childhood
Of only knowing
The names
And the fear
Of what you are,
And after such a block has been made
Remembrance
Is no longer
A thread
Sewn in
To allow an escape.

Out of dust we are,
Which answers the question
Of why I love the rain,
Skin run along like sandpaper,
Scratching and mostly unpleasant
I have been made in the rough
And the rough I have become
But when the scent of rain comes
I can’t help but let myself
Become soft to its touch.

Run along to make the feeling
Of my skin more pleasant
But why does it stop so suddenly?
A month straight of rain
And no sun
Then all gone in an instant
Letting the skin I let get soft
Crack and bleed
From the lack of your touch.
Where did it go?
Who thought it was okay
To tell someone you loved them the day before,
So they woke up the next
Blocked.

I woke up breathless and gasping
My heartbeats almost too fast to count
Even my dreams now
Are riddled with anxiety
Like blood dispersing through clear water
The blackness swirls elegantly
Spreading gently to every part of me
To lie in wait
Until the stress comes
And when it does
The inky blackness that settled gently
Into my muscles and bones
Contracts all at once
Locking me in place
Squeezing the air out of my lungs
Accelerating my heart towards burnout
Setting my mind on fire
Until I can't focus to have a single thought
And dissolve into panic

It's days like these
That make me wish I was bored again.

It’s a hard time existing
In a plane of smooth surfaces
And nothing that will give at all
Foreshadowing society
It's just squares and boxes here
Nothing concave
Or convex
Everything is made of plastic
And I'm living in a numb world
That won't ever accept
Something that tries anything
Different.

You hurt me today.
With a tongue that's sharp
Aimed directly at my throat
You tore away at the concepts of who I am

You don't know it though.
I'm still the same little boy
That you sent off to college
An obedient copy with no mind of my own

I used to laugh too,
Making fun of the people you hated,
But it wasn't really the people,
Only mere caricatures.

You've never taken the time
To speak to us
Only heard about our wickedness
From others who don't know us

I guess it's hard to blame you
It's easier to hate what you don't understand
It's easier to hate when you pretend what you're attacking
Isn't as human as you are.. isn't it?

It's easy when you're attacking an umbrella
Stick all of your fears onto it
Put people you've never spoken to
Into a box of evil, so you have an excuse not to listen.

You wonder why I've been so quiet
The past few years
Well the truth is you've already said you hate me
You just don't know it's me you hate yet.

Your grace is wasted on a ******* like me
I can’t accept your forgiveness
Because I haven’t forgiven myself
Don’t make it look so easy
No need to walk the higher ground
I can see you ready to take a fall
The hate that’s hidden is weighing you down
Don’t spare me the rod
And let your bitterness sit and fester
Give me what I deserve
Some say I’m gonna burn for all I've done
And I don’t believe there’s anyone to follow through
But sometimes I wish they were right
An eternity of suffering might be enough
To fill this *******’s bottomless well of self-loathing

Yea, it’s a long time coming,
They'll say
But that’s not how I feel.
The gentle breeze against me
I have to catch myself
As I lean into it
For comfort
Pretending there’s someone there.

My cowardice has led me here
Away from the light
Once again
To exist without making
Myself vulnerable;
Not even with myself I could be,
Even if there were any places
To cast and stare at my reflection,
For it’s too dark to see.

The world is too big to push away
So digging a hole
Is a start,
But somewhere out there
I know you are
And maybe when I climb out
You’ll be waiting for me,

Or maybe not;
Maybe in this life,
I missed my shot.

Clear
Deceit
Knowing
Life is noise
And the static
Breaks the silence
When thoughts emerge
With violence turning their heads
Are we made to just burn on our knees for the king?
It’s time to stand on our own cliff
Away from their wealth
Embrace the static
Invite silence
Noise is life
Until We
All Fall
Slowly

I miss waking up with the sun
And not worrying about a thing
The only thing on my mind
Was what games I might play that day
And it was fine
I had nothing and no one
To be responsible for
Just make sure that all of my toys
End up in the chest
And my bed is made every morning

I miss when twenty dollars
Felt like all the money in the world
And for me it was
It was enough for all I wanted
I miss only having wants
Never worrying about needs

Life was just so simple.

Evolution has chosen jealousy
To be an intrinsic trait for us all
Even at the top of the world,
Novels and songs are written
About how much easier life is
At the bottom of the *****.
Perhaps this is the reason
For the routine poisoning of ourselves
Just for a break from all the monotony
To finally be someone else
If only for an evening.
Drinking and smoking
To celebrate to become
Someone else…
Nobody, in this life, wants to be
themselves.

A fleeting moment passes staring into the darkness
With an impulse procrastination
That has defined the past week
Or has it been a month?
So long that guilt presses against the wall
As the toss of another empty water bottle
Hits the floor.
Unbeknownst is the reality
That the room has become a physical embodiment
Of the headspace lived in.
Staring some nights
At the darkness
Because it’s easier than shining a light
And cleaning up this week’s mess.
Maybe you feel that you don’t deserve
To have a clean room
Because of a voice reminding you
Of all of them you couldn’t help.
How do you deserve a clean room,
When you can’t help anyone?
But you must know
That the glass can only build so much pressure
Before the shatter
And the glass can only pour so much
Before it runs out of itself.
You must know
That cleaning your room
Creates more space to fill with something else;
How can you help someone
If your glass is empty
And the pressure continues to pile on?
How can you change the world
If you can’t even clean your room?

No warning
A trusting heart
Dropped from the peak
Of the lover’s climb
But by the time she noticed
I was already back at the base
Dragged to the bottom by the emptiness
That comes from burned out receptors
Where only doubts and pain now grow

Conversations with therapists later
Old wounds began to heal
Mental balance restored through pills
And good friends
But now free of the emptiness’ grasp
My eyes could see clearly the scene I had caused
And the weight of my betrayal crushed me

Now 7 months and a day
From the time I knew I loved her
Without warning
My heart is dashed on the rocks
At the base of the lover’s climb
Where my darling sits with an expressionless face
But I won’t hold any bitterness
I know she was dragged
She didn’t walk freely
And with this defiance of the cycle
I hope she can be saved from the guilt at the end of healing

The fire surrounding me couldn’t get hotter
The pain is starting to make even breathing harder
Beads of sweat and tears of agony fall towards my feet
But evaporate before they can touch the ground
Another walk through hell is just beginning
No turning back, and pausing only means more hurting
So I look forward and let the music fill my ears
And dance my way through to celebrate the fact
That it’s never getting worse than this

It’s hard to appreciate a day like today
Where my head is forced from the pillow
By stress flooding my body
My responsibilities dragging me
From the comfort of my blanket
And then I work myself to exhaustion
How can I find myself worthy of my life
If I don’t consistently go all out

But what makes a day like today
Even more of a challenge
To appreciate and get through
And not wish away or waste
Is that it’s a day that stands
Between where I am
And where I want to be
Beside you again
I try to tell myself
All time is so precious
But I can’t help feeling
That in comparison
This time is worth less
Than the time I spend with you

The pieces have collected dust
Of the part of me I let slip
From my grasp when the news reached me,
And the pages left under the stack
Waiting to be filed away and put to rest
Have only collected more pages
To prolong me from facing this.

Dread and guilt make me sick,
When I find myself sifting through
Searching page by page,
But my fingers tighten,
My arms weaken,
And I pull my hands from searching,
As my heart and mind
Concur that I’m still not ready
To fully put it to rest.

I miss you,
And sometimes it’s hard to see
With the overcast sky,
And no rain to compliment it,
But there are no excuses today.
I’m finally ready to let you go,
And I’m sorry I held on for so long.
It’s a long barren road ahead,
Not so different from the path
Already stepped behind me,
But I know from all those nights with you
That I shouldn’t be in such a rush
To clear this path.


I’ll find a way to laugh
Despite the cloudy skies,
And find a way to smile
As time continues on by,
But it’s time to let you go
And deal with the pieces
I let time take beyond memory.
You always knew
How to put it all back together,
But you taught me laughter
Can put anything in remission.

Love, Josh
xoxo

It’s a taste on the tongue like peppermint
As invasive on the sinuses as mothballs,
It’s the precision of a samurai sword across a palm,
With the brutality of a gladius twisting against ribs
More infectious than the black death,
And no cure to stop.
GL HF my friend,
For we are all claimed by something,
And one by it every forty seconds.

It’s a pain in the mind, you see.

Dissociation saves, in my soul,
A shard of grief
For the next friend of mine
That leaves.

Hiding away into fantasy,
Pretending when I let mind
Slip from the hinges
Into the foresight.

An Atlas hold on my sky
Before the fall,
Knowing bracing
Won’t save bone from
Shards and splinters.

Fearful of loneliness
And forgottenness,
Shaking at honesty
Taking my fingertips
To write the truth.

Fantasy embraces me gladly,
As the thought of you two leaving,
Takes sanity and peels it
Like a scab.

Please don’t forget about me, my friends.

Everyone is broken
Having something filed away
That no words
Or comfortable place can eliminate
The detriment and the weight;
Have some compassion,
Some empathy,
For your eyes alone
Aren’t through which
Seen are all things,
Don’t close yourself off,
Open wide,
For there are many different perspectives
And many sets of eyes.

Brash as a wave
Is your verbose overbearance;
A noise box without a crank,
Just spit and sputter;
Have no breaks.
A false embrace
To make a step towards
What you said you wanted
Because a train on a track
Stops at nothing
Without a destination.

I have to confess,
When I feel your skin
I picture someone else;
When I look in your eyes
I look at my reflection
And question
My intentions
Wondering if I’ll
Ever have the strength
To admit disingenuity.

Puckering lips begging
To be held by another pair,
And mine have no desire
They just blankly stare.
I find more romantic fulfillment
From a pillow late at night
Than your arms
Intertwining within tangled sheets
And fake smiles.

Is this the ****** of the story?
Or did I just finish you again
Because I’m so dry
That I can’t tell why I even
Give you my time or attention.
We’re disingenuous acquaintances,
Not even lovers,
Not even friends,
We’re just here
We’re just convenient
And I think I’m finally spent.

A winter chill
Fogs from your mouth,
Dissipating after a brief moment,
While the sound
Echoes
From soft lips
And closed eyes,
Allowing your sense of touch
To be your mind’s only focus.

A lost art
You’ve come to appreciate,
Flows through you
In the night.
Goosebumps roughen skin,
As a chill runs along your back
From the breeze.

Your button-down curtains
Have opened up,
And the moon's gaze
Is the only entity
To be witness
To such a sight.

The letters
Fingertips write
Across bare skin,
Drives a longing
Towards the edge of sanity's cliff side;
I wonder if you’d trust the fall,
Letting the breeze
Wander further down below.

I wonder if you enjoy the wind at all,
From kissing lips,
Paving a road
To destinations unknown,
Or animalistic eyes
Smiling up,
Locking this moment
Within the iris,
Craving your love.

Desperation
Is a bitter smell
That clouds the mind
With illusion and mystery,
But I wonder how
It could make
That smile of yours
Unfold.

I wonder if you want to boil over,
Or if you want to be still,
Stay blush from
This winter chill,

Staying safe,
Keeping the temptation
From leaving your embrace,
And hold tight
The drum
That beats wishing,
And be atlas-stone cold,
With a spark
Blown out
By the winter chill.

I’ve never been close
To anyone I’ve ever loved;
Always they are miles away
Geographically
Or miles from my heart.
They may have loved me
One point long since passed,
But cradling in my hands,
Their face before kissing
Is no longer allowed.

I miss the stonehenge bridges
We built that I crossed;
I miss the way
Niagara phased me
Not so as your eyes did
Lying beneath a sunsetting sky.
But just because I might have
Felt your lips brush against mine
Doesn’t mean we were truly close.

And just because I've seen pictures
Doesn't mean I’ve really seen anything.
Because a picture
Is nothing compared to seeing
Not through the eye of a camera,
But with your own.
Closeness is defined
By the hearts willingness
To be let seen, and not confined
To the depths.

And no heart
Has been so willing to be held
As I have made mine,
And I wonder
If there ever will
Be such one to find.
And I can't help but feel
As though the vessel
Beneath my chest
That beats only for so much longer,
Was misdesigned.

A descriptive word
I not often would present
To myself
Has been cast in blindness
By the spotlight

The curtain distorts
The intentions
Of even my own
Acknowledgment

Dwelling at my reflection in the water
When ripples form
At another coin I toss
Wishing

Wishing at a well
Instead of planning,
Because planning
Makes the dream real,
And I’m afraid of reality.

I could spend my whole life
Staring into my reflection
Debating on what I'm worthy of wishing,
Instead of not letting those thoughts
Take over my mind
Fidgeting with coins between my fingers
Before I inevitably let flick,
Instead of pretending I believe in myself
And take a chance on something.

Why would I rather
Be alone
Than run into
Your open arms
Waiting for me?

What things are so important
That I cannot just turn away
So easily?
Doing nothing
Instead of loving.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Trust is a limited currency
For those who have wronged us,
And the wall subconsciously built
In a day, can only be taken a part
Brick by brick,

But those who speak
For the force unheard,
Only proven to exist in a feeling
Or in the passed down book,
I think, are given too much credit.

Speaking for that which cannot speak for itself
Inherently is wrong, yet these priests
We give our trust
Despite the controversy
They always bring up

Speaking for not the god
That those sitting there
Came to hear about,
But speaking for those
There sitting.

Swaying and advising
The path they take and what direction
And nodding heads,
And right hands pointed to the sky
Tell you nobody pays much attention.

For a priest
Who preaches abstinence
And practices excess
On the underaged sons,
Open your eyes.

That stage shouldn’t be upheld
By one who sways people
Against one another,
But with the bible in the right context,
Anything could be directed towards anyone.

Limit your currency of trust
For those who prove
They deserve it,
The church can heal,
But my, oh my, can the pasture bleat.

That feeling of looking in the mirror
And wanting to go further
It's a special type of being in the zone
The opposite of zen
Pure adrenaline
The urge to find a body's limits
And then build the strength to go past them

I've forged a mighty body
Large and strong
And why?
So no groceries will ever make me take a second trip
No boxes are too heavy to lift
No dense trash bags from a compactor
Will ever be safe from being tossed in the garbage
No pickle jars will be impossible to open
And when I carry my sleepy girlfriend to her bed
I feel like a ******* superhero

One could might hypothesize
That the tears would have
Drained more than
The veins drawing out
Of the confines of the muscle
Pumping sweltering anger
On such a transportation
Of creating a new home
Out of one recognized for three years.

The stacks upon stacks
Of emotional drainage
After the physical had worn out
From problem after inconvenience
After incompetency.
A departure I wrote an outline for
Before I stood at the border
Of goodbyes,
I quickly threw out.

The itch and discomfort,
The aching and drainage
The constant questions in my mind
Throughout the entire time
Divorced me from the clouds
That I foresaw above us
Hugging goodbyes.
The storm was in the lies
That made me hurt
To see such discomfort in your eyes.

Here’s to the storm’s dispersion,
No good deed can split the coming tidal wave.

It’s again that time of day
To sit staring
At the blank page
That tempts me to resign
Conceed my opinion and drive
To continue this daily stride
But i get over it
And i press the keyes
And write untill im all used up
And hav e no life left to spend

It’s all dread and drudgery
Life is
The highlights only shine so bright
Because there’s n o competition
Around them to outshinte
I can feel myself change
With every steting sun
For each one
Encompasses me in a tidal wave

Im’ urning into somthing,
Someone i am not
Can you sense it too?
Or have you alread y forgotten
That the winter breeze has departed,
And the lihtg push against you
Is my exhale,
Chilling you to your bones
When did I become so cruel?

When my lungs can no longer fill
To give oxygen to the blood
That my weakening heart fights to pump
And my brain begins to flood
With chemicals stronger than any psychedelic
I won’t panic
But simply embrace the hands of death
As they take the last drops of life from my body
And gently close my eyelids

Knowing they will never again open
I will spend my last moments dreaming

In this dream I will be reunited with you
No bodies that break and crumble
No nationalities, because there are no nations
No genders, no colors, only our consciousnesses
No pain, no cold and no uncomfortable warmth
No noise, no language or need for talking
We will speak in feelings and thoughts
That with perfect clarity are simply known
When we’ve left this world
We’ll create one of our own
But first
Enjoy pure existence
Just us.

Nothing we need to do
Nothing we need
Just eternity to be together
Free from the bonds of this reality.

This carving knife
Tears skin
Like plucking threads;
The pain of the mind
Let out
Through physical response,
Immeasurable.
A tear,
A grain of sand,
Time ticks
Present to past.
It’s an awful state
To survive
In such a way;
Not even living,
Just pulling through
On a razor blade
To appease the nightmare—
The shadow;
What an awful presence.