I fantasise.
I fantasise about my demise.
Long, drawn out, painful,
And complete bliss.
Countless different ways
Often at the hands of another.
A great powerful being
Who can execute the dance
To the very. End.
I imagine my hands being sawn off.
Gagged and bound.
Each ****** of the saw going
Deeper and Deeper.
Torn flesh, ligaments, bone.
Dazzling white jagged bone.
Glorious contrast against the ****** mess.
You’d love it.
I imagine rope burns from the struggle
Against the ceaseless pain.
I imagine how I would be cursing
Myself for getting us into this.
Cracking
Bones.
Burning
Flesh.
Bruised
Skin.
Oh to be the other half
Of a serial killers fantasy.

I keep getting thoughts.
The bad, bad thoughts.
Fleeting, passing, ever changing?
I wish!
I keep getting thoughts.
The bad, bad, thoughts.
Sticking, clinging, ever staying.
I despair.
Bleach? Drink it.
Heart? Stab it.
Food? Puke it.
I keep getting thoughts.
The bad, bad thoughts.

Flow through me like
Water in the Stream.
Float through me like
Clouds in the Sky.
Play through me like
Notes in the Song.
Burn through me like
Wood in the Fire.
Swim through me like
Fish in the Sea.
Shoot through me like
Stars in the Sky.
Beat through me like
Blood in the Heart.
Thoughts through the Head will keep going ‘til your dead.

Long ago you left.
But not long enough.
You are a multiple.
Become a section of my brain.
You are haunting my dreams.

Left long ago.
But you’re still in my head.
You haven’t left scars.
These wounds are still open.
Bleeding.

Why did you have to be like that.
You were everting I was not.
Why did you have to ruin
The only bit of me I had.
Why have I let you win.

Did you even want to win?
Were you losing in your mind?
Often wondering,
What hurt you so much
That you had to hurt me?

I don’t want to give you sympathy.
But I can’t help it.
I hope your problems healed.
Did I help your wounds
Become scars?

I hope so.
Otherwise what was the point?
I’ll heal my own wounds.
I won’t be the cause of someones.
I don’t pass on my pain.

Why am I embarrassed to help myself?
No wonder people stay ill,
When the world cringes at positivity.
Positivity makes my toes curl.
Positivity makes my face snarl.
Remind myself to breathe,
I can feel you laughing down my neck.
Can’t handle my problems,
Without mocking myself,
At every self care measure I take.
You ruined my integrity.
I hate what you’ve done to me.

Brain: You should **** yourself.
Me: No. You should go to sleep.
Brain: Living is pointless.
Me. No. Dying is pointless.
Brain: Here comes diabetes.
Me. No. Here comes a nice taste.
Brain: You look strange.
Me. No. You look like a person.
Brain: Your voice is stupid.
Me. No. Your voice is communicating for you.

Penny for your thoughts.
Penny for my thoughts.
Penny to change my thoughts.
Penny to stop my thoughts.
But thoughts don’t stop.
And change takes time.
So your thoughts for mine.
We’ll change them over time.
No pennies needed.

Supple. Soft.
Bare it. Bare it now.
Tougher. Harder.
That won’t do. Move up.
Seamless. Untouched.
Grab it. Pull it.
Is it ready?
Inspecting for impurities
That will ruin this rare experience.
Drag it. Rip it. Tear it.
But no.
This time it glides.
Smooth. Effortless.
Over. And Over.
So fast.
Grinning wide.
Insides now outsides.
Spillages for someone else to clean.

I am tired.
“Lol, Same.”
I am sad.
“Lol, Same.”
I am depressed.
“Lol, Same.”
I want to die.
“Lol, Same.”
My life seems pointless.
“Lol, Same.”
I literally wish I was never born.
“Lol, Same.”
My existence feels like a never ending downfall, countless pain and misery.
“Lol, Same.”
I’m going to **** myself.
“Lol, same.”

“May they now rest in peace.”
“Why didn’t they say anything?”

Don’t be scared to let go.
I’d rather something real,
Then something so forced.
Don’t worry about how I’ll feel.
Don’t be scared Scared to let go,
I’d rather you be happy,
Then stuck here with me.
It would hurt more to know I made you feel ******.

I am terrified.
I am terrified.
I am complete and utterly terrified.

The fine china that is my heart
Can disintegrate at just one word.
Will you hold it gently,
Or toss it to the curb?

Sometimes I regret ever giving it to you,
Was it worth the risk?
I wouldn’t take it back, though,
I loved it when we kissed.

It scares me so much I know how much
I get hurt at the simplest of words,
Never mind losing someone like you,
It would feel like the end of the world.

I know I sound so stupid
You just mean so much to me already.
I fall so fast and hard, especially
For a girl with a heart this unstable.

Walls are attractive.
Walls are so ******* attractive.
I want to smash my ******* head against a wall.
What a ******* stupid fat ****.
See a ******* wall?
That wall.
The wall.
That’s where your ******* heads going.
Over and over and OVER.
Crimson red walls.
Concussion red walls.
Death painted walls.
******* die.
You stupid f-
Oh sorry, I saw a wall, where were we?

You hate me.
Even if you don’t yet, you will.
I can feel the hate brewing.
Impending, ready to spill.

It kills me knowing even if you do love me,
One day you’ll grow tired, get bored.
I’m nothing special and soon you’ll see,
It’s just a **** head you thought you adored.

I can feel all the hate.
I feel so alone.
It’s burning through my body.
It’s breaking all my bones.

You hate me.
You just don’t know it yet.
But I do.
I. Do.

I just hate myself.
But don’t we all.
..But don’t we all...?

This body is a prison.
No, this body is a prisoner.
This body is a is a prisoner.
A prisoner to my mind.

I hate my ******* body.
And my body hates me...

Why have I separated the two?

My words have substance, substance. Even when I don’t write in threes, threes, threes, threes. This pattern has a hold but I will escaped, I will stop, I will untrap my brain, I will leave the pattern, I will not repeat in groups of threes.

Policing my thoughts and creations the triad had its hold, hold, hold, hold, hold. Learning to unformat my brain because not every piece has a slot, slot. Now I let my Thoughts run free,  thoughts run unchained, thoughts run chaotically, thoughts run organically.

I am giving up control, control, control, control. Triads don’t keep me safe, safe, safe, safe, safe. I have escaped the pattern. I have escaped the triad for good.