It gets darker and darker.
Every day another shade.
Today it was so dark that I lost sight of who I was.
I could't see myself.
I couldn't feel my own skin.
Reflection couldn't help me either,
what looked back was hallowed out.

I could feel it in every inch of me.
The want,
The need to pull myself back together.
Find my pieces and resurrect.

I was supposed to protect myself.
Protect the adolescent in me,
The one I still am.
I know she wouldn't be proud.
I sank deeper and deeper.

But tonight,
Tonight it started to get a little bit lighter.
The illuminated hands reached out to me,
Pulled me out of the water,
Saved me from drowning,
From sinking any further.
They held me up and I never wanted them to let me go.

I heard your name today.
It sent shameful chills down my spine.
How can something so full of life feel so cold.

I thought about you a little bit after.
It made me smile.
I could feel each laughing memory on my lips.

I was happy, but it hurt.

I like to only remember the good times,
But I need to remember all the bad to remind myself why.

I never knew a person could make me feel so guilty for their own mistakes,
But you were amazing at it.

I had always been one to stand up for myself until I met you.
Never had I ever felt so small until I took a stand right next to you.

I can see you in my mind.
You branded yourself and then you left me.
Left me to feel the flames all by myself,
Left me to hear all my demons without a defense,
Left me to ponder every action and every mistake.
Maybe it was all my fault.

No.
It wasn't my fault.
******* for making me think so.
******* for manipulating me,
Making my think you were someone you weren't.
I could blame the monsters in my head,
but you were the real monster.

You are the evil that entered me.
You are the drug you encouraged me to take.
You are the hysteria I let myself travel with.

I can still feel your hands on my waist,
Your lips on my neck,
Your legs under mine.
I can still feel the heat of your body,
and every breath as your chest moves in and out.
I can still feel the want for me on your fingertips.

I wonder if you could feel it in me.
Feel my heart race as you laid your hand above my chest,
As you wrapped your arms around me tight,
As you kissed my nose and outlined my hands.

I hope you could.
I hope you could hear my mind screaming that I want you just as bad as you want me.
That I'm not going anywhere.
And I'm praying to God you don't either.

Every once in a while, you'll run through my head again.
Your witless face burned right into my brain.
Your ice cold eyes like knives.

I gave you everything I had-
Aside from everything you'd already taken.
Saying you repulse me can't sum it up.

You ruined me.
You took away the one thing I had that was mine to keep.
You undoubtedly destroyed me and it doesn't even faze you.
You had absolutely no problem going after anything that would give you the slightest bit of attention,
Even when I wanted to give you the world.

Your disgusting hands touched my skin.
Your scandalous smile made me happy.
But for God's sake, if I had known then what I know now I never would have let you coast into my life.
I would have locked the door and stood ready to fire.

One day, I will have skin that you have never touched.
One day, I will have lips that you have never kissed.
One day, I will have a mind that you have never entered.
One day, I will truly be able to say I walked away and never looked back.

We'd travel the world in 80 days,
Every road all the way through.
The only difference between you and I,
Is I wouldn't go without you.

Sometimes when I'm sitting here,
My mind drifts off and wonders about us.
I wonder where we went wrong.
So I think long and I think hard,
And that's when I remember.
I remember exactly.

I stopped getting chills from your touch.
I stopped smiling when I was reminded of you.
I stopped getting weak in the knees when I saw you from across the room.
I stopped loving the feeling of you biting my lips.
I stopped laughing at all your jokes and remarks.

I started to feel sad on a daily basis.
I started to realize that I was no longer number one on your list,
but more like seven or eight.
I started spending a lot of time alone,
waiting for your call.
I started to think again,
cluttered thoughts like I used to.
I started to hear the voices again,
telling me I didn't matter.
I started to look at myself and point out flaws that might make you not love me anymore.
I started to lay there and ache at 4 a.m.

So, it's times like these,
Times when I'm sitting here thinking,
That I remember exactly what happened.
What a sickness you were to my soul.
I realize that I'm better off sitting here craving love,
Than to be sitting here giving it out to people who do not need it.

People make mistakes.
Miss takes, practice, rough draft.
You learn and you move on.
But how can you move on when it's constantly being advertised to the big city in your mind.
With a body full of scars I know my mistakes better than anyone else.
I move on but I'll never forgive myself.

I was raised with high expectations.
Held at the very top of a glass pedestal and expected to hold onto broken shards when I finally shattered.
Every sharp edge, I made sure it cut me open.
I don't know if the pain was to punish myself or just to feel something for once.
Whatever the reason, I dug deep and let what was left of myself pour out.
Maybe this time I'll dig deep enough not to come back.
Maybe I'll let go of the shards and crumble under the rubble.
There's no saving a girl from monsters when they're all locked in her head.
They dig from the inside out,
And she shattered herself.

It wasn't until I caught myself writing poetry about you that I realized it.
You are intoxicating.
You make every hair on the back of my neck stand up.
The thought of you alone gives me goose bumps.

I want to feel you on my lips.
On my neck.
On my thighs.
Every bone in my body aches for your touch.

Maybe it's a warning.
The alarm sounding.
No longer out of order from the last storm.
Trying to tell me that if I let you into every part of me,
Nothing will be left of me when you leave.

Everyone leaves.
They imprint their perfect fingers on every inch of me.
They trace my body with their touch,
And they let their scent give me a high.
Then they walk out that door and never come back.

I don't ever want you to leave.
I need you to hold me together when all I want to do is fall apart.
Keep me afloat when all I want to do is drown.
Kiss me when all I want is to feel alive.
Keep my hands tight around the promises you make when I think there's nothing left to hold on to.

I think this is addiction
Only I've never been addicted to another person before.
My mind scatters with thoughts of you.
My heart jumps at the sight of you.
My finger tips tremble at the feeling of you.
Every muscle in my body craves you.
The blood in my veins boil with temptation.

I have to set my head back and take it all it.
Tell myself I'm not crazy.
Brand the thought that someone else wants me the way I want them.
With every bone they long for me to.

I can almost feel your heat lying next to me.
Almost feel your kiss planted carefully on me.
Almost feel your skin lock with mine.

I cross my fingers that this will last,
Cross my heart and hope to die if it doesn't.

You are the only light I can see.
You came into my darkness and saved me without fear of being pulled in.
You guided me out without written direction,
You took a chance on me knowing there may not be a way back out.

I'm a wonderful writer when I'm crying.
Ever tear a letter,
Every gasp for air a sentence,
Every scream in my head a paragraph.
It all spills out directly through the tip as ink,
And at this point I swear I could have written a novel.

But what do these cuts equal?

What is every drop, forming at every perfect horizontal rip, equivalent to?

If I kept going maybe the voices in my head would tell me.
I'm mad at myself, mad for going back.
But I forgot how it felt to be so hopeless.

I never felt hopeless at the bottom of the bottle,
But now I cant turn to bottles and the razors beg me to allow them to comfort me.

I'm no longer hopeless.
A little ****** up in the head but that's okay,
I  knew that already.
I mean what kind of kid turns to harming themselves for comfort?
I can't explain it, I'm not sure what kind of kid I am anymore.

Rock Bottom.
There's no chance of ever forgetting it.
Apparently I'd much rather it be pounded into my head every second.
That's how I was raised though, why should I expect anything different.
Every little mistake must be branded.
So I sit here and brand myself,
Line after line.
At least the pain writes "I'm Alive"

I told myself I recovered.
I told myself every day for a year.
I told myself to focus on the positives,
every single thing that could possibly spark some joy.
I reminded myself how alive I was every time I felt numb.
"You're stronger, better than it."

It wasn't until I was choking on sobs and finally feeling the rush that I realized what I had done.
I tried everything I could to feel alive again,
And it wasn't until I was covered in red that I did.

The affect you had on me was intoxicating
Everything I did,
Everything I thought,
I put you first, even before myself
I gave you my all
Every last bit of energy I put into you,
but maybe it still wasn't enough
Maybe I didn't give you the high you gave me,
that adrenaline rush,
the excited heart rate.
I was just there,
but I was there for it all.
I watched myself go from strong and independent,
to quiet and insecure.
Every positive thing about myself I let you ruin.
Broken.
Shattered.
Completely destroyed.
And I don't think for one second you realized what you did.

I hope you never forget the person I made you,
because I know I'll never forget the one you made me.

The weather intoxicates me
Almost as much as you did
Only now I want it to take me away
Away from this place and away from you

I love the rain,
You know that already
I loved how calm it made me
Now I just hope I can drown in something other than my own thoughts

Maybe if I get struck my lightning it'll make me feel as alive as you did
All the energy rushing through my veins might finally run you out of them,
This storm of you might finally pass

I wish I would have seen this coming
Would have heard the sirens warning me of your danger
I thought I was well protected though
Little did I know I'd crash head on with a tidal wave

You broke me
Built me up just to crush me along with everything in your path

Evacuating wasn't a choice, even if I had known
You were the only thing I knew
Even with all the power to wipe me out, I thought your winds would settle
I thought the sun would shine

Now all I see is clouds
I've made this tragic leftover land my new home

every night my mind is suffocated by the thought of waking up the next morning alone, without you by my side.

so i light another cigarette and drag it hard to take the pain away, knowing that it's killing me inside. the easiest way for me to cope is to convince myself that im the cigarette and you're the lighter. get it? without you it's just a cigarette. i need you.

im more addicted to the thought of you than i am the nicotine in my cigarettes.

many of times I've heard the phrase some people are too beautiful for words and you do nothing less than justify their accusations perfectly. Your mind and body is a canvas painted carefully. Every brush stroke telling a story. Every line every curve. you're an original piece of artwork never to be duplicated.

i wish so badly that i could collect my thoughts long enough to tell you how i feel but knowing that words
aren't enough for you I'll just stop here. you deserve more than words, more than the world, more than me.

The voices in my head are screaming now, so loudly that I can barely close
this free write. but without the voices in my head I'm **** near positive the silence would've killed me faster.

they say you should find someone to make you love yourself first.
well they were right.
I know this because I love my hips now.
because your hands fit on them so beautifully that I pray they never change even the slightest bit.
you make me love how cold my feet get.
they go completely numb at times but the warmth of your legs shoots through my body and I wouldn't change it for anything.
you make me love my bad habits.
stupid, nervous issues but you notice them and love me anyway.
you make me love all the way down to how I breathe.
If you're anything like me you'd lay on my chest and count each breath, feel each inhale and exhale.
you make me love the way my voice sounds.
I could listen to your name all day, even when it's my own lips it rolls off of.
you make me love my short hair, even when it's grown out too much in spots.
you gave me the confidence to do it and the confidence to wear it every single day.
you make me love me. for every little thing I am.
because I know that you love every little thing about me too.
and something you love will always be worth loving to me too.

This family is shattered
This house is broken
This body is scarred
This head is scattered
Everything built back up on broken promises
So much pain
I know how to make it all go away
It's easier that way
One
Two
Three
That's all it'll take
I promised though
If it wasn't for you I'd have no problem
But I can't let you see them
I know it would hurt you
I'm sorry
I will always be sorry
I'm sorry I'm such a mess
I'm sorry I'm so ****** in the head
I'm sorry this scares me
I'm sorry I can't just accept love
I can't help but think you deserve so much better
I'm giving you everything I have but it's not enough

I met a boy the other day.
He took my breath away in a blink of an eye.
His which were a beautiful blue.
I met a boy that made me crave another human being more than I did *****.
I wanted him to run through my veins.
Just like the ones that wrapped around his arms.
He made everything better,
Everything brighter,
Just like the reflection of car lights off his face when he took me home at night.
I met a boy that gave me a high.
The feeling of his hands unlike any rush.
I met a boy with a smile that I never wanted to stop looking at.
A smile that made me smile back.
He made me laugh till my stomach hurt.
Then he would kiss away the pain.
I met a boy and I told him my secret.
He said he'd kiss away that pain too.
I met a boy that made me write again.
Made me remember why I started writing in the first place.
Made me unable to understand why I ever stopped.
I met a boy who made promises.
He understood how important they were to me.
I met a boy who made me want to promise the world.
I ached to give it to him.
I met this boy months ago, but every day feels like the first time.
He makes me feel safe.
He makes me feel at home.
I met a boy I never wanted to leave.
Every day and every night I wanted to be right by his side.
I met a boy that hugs like heaven.
It became a person instead of a place.