It gets darker and darker.
Every day another shade.
Today it was so dark that I lost sight of who I was.
I could't see myself.
I couldn't feel my own skin.
Reflection couldn't help me either,
what looked back was hallowed out.

I could feel it in every inch of me.
The want,
The need to pull myself back together.
Find my pieces and resurrect.

I was supposed to protect myself.
Protect the adolescent in me,
The one I still am.
I know she wouldn't be proud.
I sank deeper and deeper.

But tonight,
Tonight it started to get a little bit lighter.
The illuminated hands reached out to me,
Pulled me out of the water,
Saved me from drowning,
From sinking any further.
They held me up and I never wanted them to let me go.

I heard your name today.
It sent shameful chills down my spine.
How can something so full of life feel so cold.

I thought about you a little bit after.
It made me smile.
I could feel each laughing memory on my lips.

I was happy, but it hurt.

I like to only remember the good times,
But I need to remember all the bad to remind myself why.

I never knew a person could make me feel so guilty for their own mistakes,
But you were amazing at it.

I had always been one to stand up for myself until I met you.
Never had I ever felt so small until I took a stand right next to you.

I can see you in my mind.
You branded yourself and then you left me.
Left me to feel the flames all by myself,
Left me to hear all my demons without a defense,
Left me to ponder every action and every mistake.
Maybe it was all my fault.

No.
It wasn't my fault.
******* for making me think so.
******* for manipulating me,
Making my think you were someone you weren't.
I could blame the monsters in my head,
but you were the real monster.

You are the evil that entered me.
You are the drug you encouraged me to take.
You are the hysteria I let myself travel with.

I can still feel your hands on my waist,
Your lips on my neck,
Your legs under mine.
I can still feel the heat of your body,
and every breath as your chest moves in and out.
I can still feel the want for me on your fingertips.

I wonder if you could feel it in me.
Feel my heart race as you laid your hand above my chest,
As you wrapped your arms around me tight,
As you kissed my nose and outlined my hands.

I hope you could.
I hope you could hear my mind screaming that I want you just as bad as you want me.
That I'm not going anywhere.
And I'm praying to God you don't either.

Every once in a while, you'll run through my head again.
Your witless face burned right into my brain.
Your ice cold eyes like knives.

I gave you everything I had-
Aside from everything you'd already taken.
Saying you repulse me can't sum it up.

You ruined me.
You took away the one thing I had that was mine to keep.
You undoubtedly destroyed me and it doesn't even faze you.
You had absolutely no problem going after anything that would give you the slightest bit of attention,
Even when I wanted to give you the world.

Your disgusting hands touched my skin.
Your scandalous smile made me happy.
But for God's sake, if I had known then what I know now I never would have let you coast into my life.
I would have locked the door and stood ready to fire.

One day, I will have skin that you have never touched.
One day, I will have lips that you have never kissed.
One day, I will have a mind that you have never entered.
One day, I will truly be able to say I walked away and never looked back.

We'd travel the world in 80 days,
Every road all the way through.
The only difference between you and I,
Is I wouldn't go without you.

Sometimes when I'm sitting here,
My mind drifts off and wonders about us.
I wonder where we went wrong.
So I think long and I think hard,
And that's when I remember.
I remember exactly.

I stopped getting chills from your touch.
I stopped smiling when I was reminded of you.
I stopped getting weak in the knees when I saw you from across the room.
I stopped loving the feeling of you biting my lips.
I stopped laughing at all your jokes and remarks.

I started to feel sad on a daily basis.
I started to realize that I was no longer number one on your list,
but more like seven or eight.
I started spending a lot of time alone,
waiting for your call.
I started to think again,
cluttered thoughts like I used to.
I started to hear the voices again,
telling me I didn't matter.
I started to look at myself and point out flaws that might make you not love me anymore.
I started to lay there and ache at 4 a.m.

So, it's times like these,
Times when I'm sitting here thinking,
That I remember exactly what happened.
What a sickness you were to my soul.
I realize that I'm better off sitting here craving love,
Than to be sitting here giving it out to people who do not need it.