I wonder if you'll find these words
If you'll know they're about you.
I wonder if you'll read my verse
And comprehend my clues.

Would you crave to know me more
With every poem you devour here?
Would you plan to search and learn me
Over the course of many years?

I wonder if you'd be intrigued
By all I manage not to say.
I wonder if you'll confront me
With words that stuck with you all day.

Would you read the lines and then between them
Until you knew the workings of my mind?
Would you ask me to explain every stanza
Until we could no longer hold open our eyes?

I wonder if you'd be insatiable
If you'd need to know more, know everything.
I wonder if you'd hunt me down
And take the secrets I've written and dearly keep.

Would you read in awe and decide
To keep me closer than you let me before?
Would you understand my words
And wait eagerly for more?

I wonder if I'd come to mean something
Akin to what you mean to me.
I wonder what you'd do
If I gave you these poems to read.

I stole a box of band-aids from the Rite-Aid,
The beat-down one ten minutes away.
In a gas station bathroom by the wash basin,
I cut my arms up, whispering, "Stay."

I was shivering badly, my lips chapped and ashy,
The whole box of bandages didn't quite do the job.
With my sleeves unrolled and a confident stroll
I walked out pretending I wasn't terribly lost.

Home is the kind of torture my mind chooses to blur,
Domestic fairy-tales that never come true.
Staring at the ceiling entranced for days with a popcorn maze,
Thinking of questions no one's ever had an answer to.

I stole a box of band-aids from Rite-Aid
The day I opened an artery with a knife.
The cashier would have listened; would've called an ambulance
If I'd had any inclination to restore my faith in life.

Here, I begin again.
Like I always, always have.
Here, I will stand
And try, try again.

Here, I will look at existence.
Like I've not seen it before.
Here, I will stage my emergence
And settle this unbalanced score.

Ah, I should not be alive;
Breathing is not for me.
But hope is my name in life,
How am I to leave?

Ah, I feel nothing at all;
A condition of mental disease.
But they tell me science can fix me;
Who am I to disagree?

This is where I try again.
Hope for one last run.
If life is a marathon then my
Journey is almost done.

This is where I start anew.
Just one last stretch to run.
And if the finish line is not in reach
By god, I am done.

Oh, love, you are missing today
And, suddenly, everyone knows your name.
Oh, love, do you remember the way
You watched the seasons shift and change?

You're not here today, love
You'll visit and revisit
Yet you refuse to stay
And that's not enough, is it?

"Sweetheart, what have you done to us?"
We sang those words until we couldn't breathe
"Don't lie, I know we're fixing to die,"
And you were first to leave.

Beauty is subjective, but you were universal
Time is unreliable and age is routine
Life is objective and you were unimpressed
So what did you find so unsatisfactory?

"Hallelujah," you sang as you left
Hallelujah, hallelujah, rejoice for death
"Hallelujah," you said no "goodbye"'s
Just, "Hallelujah, hallelujah," until you died.

.

I heard there was a secret chord
And no one on Earth has heard it but you
We listen, watch, and wait for the answer
With our fingers crossed that it's the truth.

That David played to please the Lord
Though you never believed in him at all.
We are the David's playing until we can't
Then resuming at your call.

But you don't really care for music, do you?
In futile, in vain, our stupid efforts.
What song would you like to hear, dear king?
What will make you stay with us?

It goes like this: the minor fall, the major lift
It was set in stone from day one
We should have seen, should have known
That you would, so soon, be gone.

And the baffled King composing Hallelujah
Did you understand our words, our pleas?
Did you think of our cries before you left?
Oh my dearest, bemused, lost, little king.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.­

The days passed by and you grew weary;
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
So you searched the world helplessly in vain
That life would mean something, anything, for you.

And then came Her, a breath of hope
You saw Her bathing on the roof
You crossed your fingers and prayed to the air
That She was the concrete, unfailing truth.

You followed her with your heart in hand;
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you.
You knelt by her feet and raised her up
The whole while singing, "Hallelujah."

She held you closer than you'd ever been then
She tied you to the kitchen chair.
And you were content, you were secure
You were so happy to be there.

She stripped you of titles and material things
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
She skinned you completely, down to your soul
And left you liberatingly bare.

She reached inside and wrenched the pain from you
And from your lips, she drew the, "Hallelujah."
You were so completely healed at that moment
How you relapsed, how you slipped away eludes her.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.
­
Oh, had I seen you slipping
I would've let you know that
Baby, I've been here before;
It's not the place for you to end at.

I would have stressed that you're better
Than this room soaked in the blood of thousands.
I've seen this room, I've walked this floor, you know
You'd be better off far away from it.

I would have explained that you were it.
I'd yet to see color, to live, to trust;
I used to live alone before I knew you-
Then you appeared and left me starstruck.

You were a light, you were a star
You were what I thought didn't exist before
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
So I'll raise it in your absence; let it soar.

You were hope, dearest wayfarer
Though I know hope never lasts
And love is not a victory march
But I never thought it'd end so fast.

The message isn't an apology
It's not guilt or regret
It's a cold and it's a broken, "Hallelujah,"
That I've not managed to accept yet.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.
­
You said it once and I heard you clear
"I'm so tired," your eyes were closed
You didn't confide again, but oh,
There was a time when you let me know.

What's behind that small, secretive smile?
What is it you won't let show?
What are you feeling; are you okay?
What's really going on below?

All the things I never asked
For fear that questions would stab you through
I would've been a hiding place for your sorrow
But you never show that to me, do you?

I never knew what was on your mind
You never gave the slightest of clues.
I was more than prepared to give up
But remember when I moved in you?

I saw the pain, I saw the age
I finally felt as though I knew
We flew, I believe, we soared and flew
And the holy dove was moving too.

You were more than a light then
You were the cosmos, you were Earth's deus ex machina
We flew through time faster than we should have
And every breath we drew was, "Hallelujah."

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.

May­be there's a god above
Who was looking down to see you
But if he didn't stop the you from leaving
Then what good can he do?

But all I've ever learned from love
Is that it hurts too much to chase
All I've ever learned from love
Was how to hate; all I' learned

Was how to shoot someone who outdrew you.
I bit at their heels like a rabid dog,
They didn't see the impossible thing you were
Until we reached the epilogue.

And it's not a cry that you hear at night,
That'll convince you to go.
It's not the passing of days and months
That snatched you from home.

It's not somebody who's seen the light
That coerced you away.
It's not the worst of your times
That convinced you not to stay.

It's a cold and it's a broken, "Hallelujah,"
That froze you to your bones.
And by the time heat had come
You were already gone.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Ha­llelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah.­..
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

It happens in stages, every time.

Three meals a day, seven days a week
Whether healthy or unhealthy, who cares?

One meal a day, twice a week
As healthy as can be followed by exercise.

No meals a day, seven days a week
Hours of exercise
If I **** up, it doesn't stay with me long
And
I
Berate
Myself
For being so weak.

Control.
Control.
Control.
Control.

...

God******.

Purge.
Try again.

Control.
Control.
Contral?
Conpital?
Cospital.
Hospital.

Lie.
I'm fine.
Forgot.
Sorry.

Try again.

Control.
Water.
Wait.
Control.

****.
Too much.
Water goes down.
Water comes up.

Control.
Ow.
Control.
Control.
Water.
Smoke.
Wait
.
.
.
Settled.

Scale.
Too high.
Control.
Water.
Wait.

Scale.
Too high.
Control.
Treadmill.
No water.
No weight.
Settle.

Scale.
Too high.
Measure.
Treadmill.
Control.

Control?
No.
Hospital.

Lie.
­Believe me.
Lie.
Lie.
Lie.
Lie.
Finally.
Control.

Eat.
Purge.
Eat.
Pur­ge.
Nibble.
Water.
Smoke.
Settle.
Purge?
No.
Control.

Stand?
No.
Sit.
Breathe.
Stand?
No.
Pills.
Water.
Lie down.
Rest.

Stand?
Slowly.
Fall.
Stand.
*****.
Control.
*****.
Water.­
Smoke.

Settle?
Settled.

Control.
Water.
Exercise.
Control.
C­ontrol.
Control.

Die.

It happens in stages, every time.

Nothing matters.
Life has no value,
No meaning
No cause.

Hush; hushed silence is simple science but
There's enough of quiet when life is
Doing as it pleases.

Din; loud noises of amalgamated voices that
Crescendo in unison, boisterous,
Ignoring all reason.

What no one hears over the clinking bottles of beer
What the people fear of letting too close, too near is
The sober, sad one's angry tears.

They know they're different, tears clouding their vision
They've made a decision to stand in the busy road, collision
And no one heard so no one listens.

What no one knows as the music rose is
That in the corner alone one wants to go home and
No one noticed as they roamed

They trudged up the stairs and no one cared even
When a shot dared ring loud enough to scare so
The body laid there for another eight years.

I hope you listen to the silence
I hope you see behind the smile
I hope you understand.

I hope you'll search to see what's behind the gaiety
I hope you'll push behind walls built strong with time
I hope, when they're wishing, I hope you'll listen.

It doesn't matter and it never mattered
You're smiling into your mattress while you suffocate.
The sky was black and blue like bruises that night
All the doors were open but you didn't run away.


It's completely possible you're stuck here
Even though you've never stopped for a single day
If you took just the smallest of respites
It's not impossible that your mind would break.

Maybe in half a year everything will pay off
If it does, you'll be indifferent to it anyway.
Maybe you'll lie about lying about keeping promises
And allow yourself to come of age.

Turn over, inhale, there's blood on the ceiling
Count the popcorn kernels until your vision blurs and fades.
Two hours and you're back where you began
Two hours and you're forced awake, every single day.

No sadness, no contentment, no joy, no depression
Just calm, cool acceptance of bits of existence.
The epitaph will be angry, begging to know why you'd do this
And you'll give reasons rather sounding like excuses.

I could believe in heaven
If only to imagine you in paradise
I could take up religion
And pray to see you again infinite times.

But I can't believe in a God that would let you leave
I can't kneel and beg to an unforgiving diety
I  can't hope and pray with no relief
I can't subscribe to a religion you never believed.

So I'll miss you instead.
I'll cry until the tears stain my face and bed.
I'll tell you to every person I meet.
I'll preach of Autumn on the corner of every street.

I'll keep loving you until I'm too old to breathe alone.
I'll respect you until I can't stand on my own.
I'll be proud to have known you until the end of my life.
I'll remember you until the end of time.

I'll write books as a eulogy and remain in hope
That I can show earth the purest of gold
I'll write poetry for you until there's nothing left to say
And then I'll write the same words in different ways.

And I'll wake up in the morning knowing you were here
And I'll sleep in that knowledge from year to year.
I'll remeber that smile and that frown you had


And I'll know, despite it all, it won't bring you back.

I could believe in heaven if only to imagine you in paradise.
I could take up religion and pray to see you infinite times.
I could sell my soul and every possession I own.
But instead I'll tell of the Autumn I had known.