No more lies
I think I should tell the truth.

For every time you've asked if I'm okay
I'm not even though I say I am.

For every time you've asked if I need a helping hand
I do more then ever even though I try to push you all away.

For every time you've offered your shoulder
Is it still available I'm close to tears.

For every time you tell me you're scared when I cut
I lied, told you I had stopped,
I haven't and I'm scared too.

For every time you asked if I still want to die
I've told you no to keep you from worrying
But honestly the urges are stronger everyday.

For every time I've answered your questions with a smile on my face
Please know I'm lying, I need you to push me
To save me from myself.

Slipping...
Slipping away like the tide with the moon.
Drowning in loneliness
And I know that these feelings have just begun.

Hurting...
Hurting over the fact I cannot speak
As my body feels laces with poison;
I'm unable to tell you the truth.

Oh how much I need you right now
As my body is caressed by this never ending depression,
How I long for you to tell me its all okay...
But I am unable to call out your name for the fear of being a burden.

So once again I'm left in the bitterly cold darkness,
All alone.
Unable to ask for your hand
Because I'm too scared of what you may see!

I'm an untameable beast,
So ferocious and vile.
I will burn you with my wicked stare.
I've changed into and evil monster,
There's no going back.
This fiery temper consumes
The now faded light of life.

Maybe if I cut myself
Or made myself prettier and thinner
Then you would love me,
Not leave me all alone.

Maybe if I made that jump
Or made myself in your image
Then I would finally be good enough
And not an outcast.

Maybe if I cut myself
Or made myself prettier and thinner
Then you would finally love me
And I wouldn't be the shameful daughter.

Is that me done with you?
Do you care that I worry about you?
What if I let you go,
would you care enough to tell me no?

Is that me done here?
Does anyone even care?
What if I died tonight,
would you even notice I was gone?

Is that this over?
Is there any reason to hang on?
What if I ran away for good,
would you miss me at all?

Why do you do this?
Why do you insist on breaking me down?
What if I disappeared right now,
would you even give a ****?

All I have is the ticking clock
and four plain white walls for company.
My eyes they beg for you to look within
and see the end I fear is in sight.
Please do not make me beg for you
as I stand here; body trembling, lost words,
and eyes that are gone from this world.

Instead I am greeted by long, cold silences
and distance all too sudden.
A shift in how you present yourself to me,
knowing I must have asked for too much of your time.
Now knowing that I must face these monsters
ALONE! Again!
Please do not make me beg for you to see I need someone tonight!

I feel like I cant do this.
Anyday could be my last,
These tears fall as I struggle
To get to grips of all my fears.
Terrified of never being good enough
To me or anyone.
Scared of failure proving I'm not worthy.
If I fail my dream I know it will be my end
But I'm not even sure I can make it that far.
I want to **** myself
But not to die.
Just so I don't have to feel this pain.

Staring at myself in the mirror,
counting every tear that falls,
watching all the hurt play out
across my face, once again, when I'm all alone.

Lying through gritted teeth and fake smiles
that everything is fine and I'm okay -
Knowing that I spend nights begging and pleading with myself
just to keep fighting and holding on a little longer.

Wondering what I must do to stay,
feeling like I no longer have control.
Dragging myself to the edge of the pier...
Pushing and pulling, wanting to jump but not!

Lights don't shine as bright as a thousand stars,
Reflecting off moonlit rivers
Formed by a thousand tears.
Lights don't lead you through the darkest of nights
Unlike the moon's beams which guide you through clouded thoughts
Leading you from their eyes into their very souls.

Falling leaves of autumn linger along deserted streets,
Scattered like a thousand memories
Desperately clinging to life; to be remembered.
The autumn leaves rustle on a bitter, cold night
Reminding you of his unforgettably warm embrace,
Not completely gone but just out of reach.

The darkest nights of winter hide your placed dreams,
Smothering your happiest moments
Until you long for the newest of beginnings.
The coldest nights of winter give you hope
Curled up by a fire remembering summer nights
Of how his kiss would leave you smiling like a fool for hours.

The gentle caress of waves and summer breezes
Enlighten your heart to new dreams and new beginnings
That coax you into new adventures.
The graceful movements of budding cherry blossoms
Opens the soul to new adventures
Threatening to take you to new heights of pure bliss.

Seasons morph and change as time goes on,
Counting down each day until the end
Waiting to become something new.
Just like the seasons we morph and change,
Ignoring the complexity and greatness of life
But just like the seasons we have the opportunity to be great.

I don't understand how one person can:
Send my heart into overdrive,
Make my stomach do backflips,
Lift me into an everlasting happiness.

I'm not quite sure how:
Your eyes are like gateways to a place I've been longing to find,
Your touch is as magical as the childhood dreams I once had,
Your kiss is as powerful as an army defending their home.

What are these feelings I seem to possess?
I don't quite understand what you do to me,
This grip you have that sweeps me off my feet
And leaves me feeling as if I am unbreakable.

What are these feelings I have when I'm lost in time with you?

Don't tell me you know who I am,
Don't tell me you know what I do
I'm not the one you can play with
I need to know what's real.

Don't make out you can't do this,
Don't make out its never enough for you
I'm going to tell you one time only
I can't get over everything you do...

You're like a rush,
you give me butterflies.
You're so special to me,
There's no words to explain it.
I don't know what this feeling is
But I don't want it to go.

Don't treat me so differently
Don't treat me like I never understand.
I'm going to be by your side till you say go,
I'm going to be here no matter what comes our way.

Don't make out I will never get this
Don't pretend like I'm over all my problems.
I've got this funny feeling inside of me
It's leaving me so confused, what should I do?

You're one in a milliom,
you can bring out the best in me.
I don't want to lose you at all
There's no words to explain how you make me feel.
What is this feeling I feel?
How do I know what to do?

I've done it again
Another mistake
I'm here for you always
Just remember that.
I've done it again
Cried another tear
I need you to be there
You promised me that.

I'm always here
Whenever you need me
I'm a hand to hold
And a shoulder to cry on.
I'm not going anywhere
I'm here till the end
I made that promise
You need me to stay.

I'm scared and I'm worried
I know how you feel
I'd take it all away
I promise I would.
I keep you in my thoughts
I know that you struggle
Step by step, fight by fight
I'm here to share the load...

I want to scream,
Like no one's listening
But I need your hand to hold,
So why is it I choke?
When you ask me what is wrong
The words seem to escape me
And instead I sit with tears in my eyes.

I trust you with every fibre of my being
So why is it,
I'm so **** scared you'll leave my side?
When you ask me what is wrong
I don't want you to only see the broken
So I hide it all inside
But you stay and help it feel okay.

Why do you tell me I am strong
When I break down and cry.
Why do you say you need me
When I can't help but bleed.
Why is it everyday I forget
How to look ahead and see
That I am not going to be this person
The person you all see.

I am weak, I break down.
I always cry and get lost.
I feel alone and so empty
I have nowhere else to go.
I'm too weak to carry on.
I need you more then you know.

Why am I so scared of your opinion?

I act as if I need no one around,
But secretly long for someone to see me.
The real me that I keep hidden away.
The real me that is so ashamed of who they are
That they lock the doors and cry silent tears,
But smile and laugh when you are around!

Why am I so afraid of my past escaping?

I pretend that I have it all together
When I'm terrified to be left alone,
For that is when the devil dressed in human disguises
Uproots the faith you once had in the world as a child.
For now I struggle to leave my bed, my house
Without a wave, or a shade of fear and dread.

Why am I terrified of this world I live in?

I'm terrified of the overwhelming, deprecating nature of humans
And their persistent need to hurt and destroy.
I feel as though, as I've grown, my body is no longer my own!
An overwhelming thought of this life never truly being my own.
When a man or woman can do so as they please to tare you apart,
Leads to hope of avoiding living a life I have no wish to live.

For you see...
Living a life of fear
Is to be barely living at all.
So what's the point in going on?

Why can I not accept the hand
that you hold out so readily
when I am descending into a black void,
taking with it my incentive to go on?

Why is it I will fight with you,
push you away, and make you feel
as if I no longer want you to stand by my side
when truthfully I want nothing more than for you to stay?

Why, when I am all alone
and I'm longing to reach out
I stop, dead in my tracks to scared
for the rejection I have received too many times?

Why is it that I can lend myself to you
in your times of need so willingly,
knowing the benefits of having someone there,
but I cannot accept this help myself?

Is there something wrong with me,
or is the painful, blackness
just too enticing to some people...
some people like me?

You mean so much to me
I can't bare to lose you to this thing...
When you are not here
I don't know how much I can take.

Without you I feel broke,
Without you I've got no hand to hold,
Without you I feel torn,
Without you I'm nothing more then a shadow,
Without you I have no reason to stay.

When with you I leave everything behind
You make me feel like I have a purpose.
Please just stop time right here
I don't want to lose you to this world...

Without you I feel empty,
Without you I have no melody to sing,
Without you I feel nothing,
Without you I'm like a sail torn in a storm,
Without you I have no meaning to live.

When I'm with you I can be myself
You make it easier to breathe
Please don't get lost out of sight
You are the reason I hang on...

You mean so much to me
I can't bare to lose you to this thing...
When you are not here
I don't know how much I can take

A long day of forced, faked smiles
But you can't see behind a computer screen...
Just my bitter words.

Words I've now said
Which could lay us to rest
Because I can't say I'm feeling insecure,
Just in a bad place.

Breaking down on either end.
Distance holding us back from those three words
Which I've never said to anyone but you.
Now what do I regret?

Why does this always get the better of me?
Tear me down till I lose everything I've ever held close
Because "you're a worthless failure" haunts me,
Tortures me till I stop in my tracks...
Numb... because I can't say I'm really not okay!

There are so many critics
They all want something more
I'm sick and tired of faking
That I am happy still.
There are so many demons
They all want to break me down
I'm sick and tired of trying
To make everyone else happy.

So this time I will hold my breath
Count to three and pray it be over.
I just want to let it all end.
There are so many helpers
But I still feel so **** helpless.

I'm crying here
All alone left on the floor.
I'm dying here
I want help but can't accept
That you're there for me all along
That you want me to stick around.
But I know I'm not better here
I'm scared I'll let you down.

You have tried so hard to help me
But you just don't understand
No matter how much help I get given
I'm still sick of being around.
I know it's not fair to do this
But I'm not quite sure you see
I want the help I really do
But I always feel so down.

I'm crying here
All alone to face my fears
I'm dying here
Even though I know you're there
But there's one thing I can't help but think
Is this the way it's meant to be?
Am I meant to try and hide my pain
To try and prevent it all from affecting you.

I'm not sure if I can do this
I never meant to hurt you bad
But I needed to know you would be there for me
No matter what went wrong.
But I guess  I pushed it too fat
I had nothing left to say.
If I could change the way things played out
I would never of hurt you.

Oh oh oh
I'm crying here
I'm pushed you all away again
I'm dying here
I want to change the way this all worked.
But I'll never get the chance
To tell you that I mean this
I'm sorry for what I've done
I never meant to push you away
I need you around.

I don't think I can do this,
I've done to much already.
I'm going to leave you all alone
So you can carry on.
I'm not going to be there to hurt you all
Or to make you worry anymore.
I'm not going to watch the pain in your eyes.
I've got to keep away....

The worst goodbyes
Are the ones too painful
To speak!

The worst goodbyes
Are the ones that you
Never get to say!

I used to fear the thought of darkness
Now it's my only companion.
Bitter tears and pouring blood,
My only forms of comfort.
All along you promised me
That you would never turn your back and leave.
I knew you couldn't keep it
I knew I would be left along.
Now I'm asking one thing...
If I ran away, never to return
Would you even notice?
Would you even care?
Would you hope that we could of worked it out somehow?

Why am I always the one to apologise?
Even though you hurt me first...
Said you'd be there,
Then chuck me aside.
So when is it I retaliate,
Push you away so I won't get hurt,
Do you say I'm the one who's hurting you,
But not acknowledge what you did first?

bold* what is wrong? Why can't you just be happy? Just let it all go!

Do you not understand that I am trying to be happy and I'm trying to let it all go, but I can't. I'm just going through life pretending to be okay.

bold Why are you such an attention seeker who cannot possibly help yourself? Why do you cut when it's stupid and pointless?

If I do this for attention why do I hide it? Why do I smile and laugh in front of you pretending nothing is wrong? To me it's to help me cope, so I can feel in control of some aspect of my life...

Don't come and accuse me of doing this for attention. There is so much going on in my head that you would never understand. Please do not question or judge me... you may know my name but you do not know my story.

You promised...
You broke that promise...
How can I trust again?

The nights were so long.
I was tormented by the bitter cold
Of a man who wanted nothing more than to hurt me!

The nights I couldn't sleep,
Instead I wept with the rain
Causing flooding within my very soul.

The days I thought would be brighter
But instead I was entangled in the thorns
Of the flowers that blossomed wonderfully.

The days I hoped would be safer
But your hand still struck
Shattering a girl as easily as shattering glass...

You promised
The day I was conceived
To protect me!

You promised,
You broke that promise!
How can I trust again?

Right now I could usr your company,
Just to hear you tell me it'll be okay.
You're the only one who understood
The desperate want to give up the fight,
For the night just seems so cold right now.
How I miss you already and your warm embrace,
The one that always made me feel safe.
Like there was someone who cared if I made it out alive.
Right now I could use your company,
Just to hear you say it'll be okay tonight?

Your eyes hold me captive
Locked inside your madness,
They never fail to leave me breath taken.

Your eyes hold light which glistens
Sending my head whirling,
They never fail to leave me paralyzed.

Your eyes are like shooting stars
Holding my gaze forever so it seems,
They never fail to leave me wishing more.

Your eyes so mesmerising
Entrancing and so enchanting
They never fail to make my heart skip a beat.

Now I don't know where this has come from
Or why it is I feel the way I do
But...

Your eyes in always in my mind
I think about you all the time,
They never fail to keep you in my head.

I can feel you pull away from me
Like the waves do on the shore.
What was once I love yous
Turned into are we even sure?
Now I can feel it trembling,
Like the earth's about to break
Because you were supposed to be my forever
But I can feel you pulling away.