in the night calm when all are asleep
i lie awake and count my dreams
although i've suffered a nightmare
or two
it all provides purpose in what's to come
to differentiate between what is
and what isn't real
in hopes to remain dreaming
while sleeping still
and even to be lost in a daze
while fully awake
to evaluate my desires
within the vastness of life
picking apart the pieces deep inside
my brain
to the pit of my center
and still it seems i have failed to find
exactly what i was looking for
they say you're so young and
you have so much time

when not even my dreams
are so rightfully mine

be knownst to the outside as
particularly set
though i have painted the image
of one whom has never been lost
so when the nightly tremors
invade my slumbering place
creating a feast off the fear of my fate
i awaken in attempt to rebuild
what is to be
lacking the knowledge and senses
of the future unseen

i tell you this
believe in your nightmares
for they are as real as the day
they are a gathering of all things
you show resistance to
things of which make you afraid
slip into the unconscious
anticipating the unknown
embrace the substance of deep thinking
even as you close your eyes
the mind never sleeps
your hopes never die

as for me
i welcome the madness that keeps awake
i accept all the challenges
of an image to portray
for who i am to be when i fall asleep
is not the same person
when i wake

As the wind sifts strands of hair across my face unsmiling
I chase the waves of smoke from my cigarette as I see my life unwinding
And every single hurt and pain I have ever known has hit me with truth so blinding
I've been sitting here while working so hard in hopes of one day finding
that motivation in my soul that keeps becoming lost behind me
You can say you mean the best and that I will find out soon enough in timing
But tell me since you know so much how can I stop the pain from binding
sticking to my being and causing so much sickness inside me
And when my true self can finally come out from hiding

If she ever can.

i need to cry
but who can i call?
it's late
and you're sleeping
it's been a long day after all

i need to cry
but who can hold me?
it will be okay
it's not so bad
is what you've always told me

i need to cry
but i am here alone
each tear falls in silence
no one hears it
no one's home

i need to cry
but it may not stop
the ache in my heart
will hemorrhage
and it's the only life i've got

i need to cry
because it isn't fair
a thousand knives
into the core of my being
by saying he won't be there

i need to cry

i need to.

I can feel the tears building
as my eyes remain fixated on the night
aiming to focus on a vision I cannot quite see
I know I am tired and that I should sleep but what joy would fill my emotions if I could just hang my head and cry

But I cannot

And it is for that exact reason why I lay here in the darkness waiting to see a sight of satisfaction in my dreams
I know I have nothing to lose and all to live for and my blessings are en route but sometimes you have to let the water run dry

but I just cannot

I've become far too numb to cry

I can feel the wretched pain crumbling my insides and the butterflies have gathered in a heap of smoke
I can feel the abandoned broken pieces of my heart slowly coming together to make a sound of any life

And yet as I try to speak of foreshadowed unruly motions the words get hung on my teeth and the sounds never leave my throat
And yet the pit of my pain keeps boiling over in my head it is in my chest where these horrors reside

And all of this happens
because I am far too numb
to cry

my tears are very real
and in your absence they are made of glass
they cut open the strongest parts of my soul
and the wounds
they never heal
so i am forced to wear a mask

of all the days
and timing too
you're no longer
the man i knew
it takes a while
they it's true
to process life
to pass it through
the brain is such
a funny thing
forgotten song
but tries to sing
you do not cease
to inspire me
your needs will
never tire me
although different
and sad to see
you'll always be
Dad to me

not a wolf in sheep's clothing
more like a tequila sunrise
on a hot summer's eve
not a demon with gnashing jaws
more like a soothing winter breeze
choosing to remain the same on the outside while creating a raging storm within me
even haunting me in my dreams
the danger was always there
in fact it remains to be true
while erasing the worst of pain
in pleasure long overdue
eating at my innards
is the plain forsaken truth
but I am in love with summer's eves
and a good pair of walking shoes
and I enjoy a light blanket of snow
and the wetness on my boots
how can sin be so dangerous
when it comes as lovely as you?

Woke up so dehydrated my mouth was cracked with blood
The pain overtook my body like the sacred bible flood
My eyes burn like fire from all the lack of sleep
No one understands my daily struggle or takes me seriously
Some days I can smile and forget about the hurt
And appreciate the life I'm given and appreciate the worth
But days like this are spent in sorrow, severe and true abyss
And leave me only to desire a better day than this
I ask God for His strength but I never ask for cure
Growing old in this condition would mean more a hellish prison than a promise to be sure
Maybe I'm here to suffer and feel what one cannot
Maybe I'm absorbing the hurt for someone weak and going through alot
Maybe I'm here to open eyes so my soul can really see
No matter how mangled my surface from the battle scars I'll always be
Me

Thank you

For this place you call the land of the free;
a land full of debt, poverty, and incurable disease


A natural disaster can wipe a city completely off the map,
but financial assistance is rejected because another country needed that


Blow up a nation to rebuild a government that's non existent, while you've lost all interest of your own resulting in a crumbling system


You rank up the cost of living and lower the level of pay, and all those jobs that only require simple skills you send overseas to give away


Working hard and growing old was once the American dream, and we still pay our last pennies into that same bank; but that's money we will never see


Make illegal immigration a topic of social exception and fool the people into thinking it's not an economic crisis with your emotional campaigning deception


Require expensive, extensive college degrees for what only calls for common sense, and then pay minimum wage so that the people are forever in debt


Control everything we do yet still give us freedom of speech
So that we can only talk of our dreams and never practice what we preach


Committ a ****** in Illinois and you're behind bars forever on your knees
Committ that same crime in Florida and you're guaranteed to be free


Two of the same exact persons in dire need of the same heart,
One has enough money in his pockets giving him a head start
while the poor man is sentenced to death by not doing his part


America, what happened?
This is no longer your land
and it's no longer my land
it's simply crumbling cliffs of
old foundation
sifting into sand

Red
White
Blue

What do these colors mean to you?

i think about you every day
and
every night

why wouldn't i
you are
my life

if you ever leave
i won't
ever stay

if i can't go with you
i will just
fade away

your love
is the blood
beneath my skin

where the
sidewalk ends
Heaven begins

forever my
heartbeat is
stronger

my only wish
is of timeless gift
to love you longer

I became a lost soul
and you had already been lost
in the midst of darkness
we found each other

in the midst of our words
our ******* words, you know
they have power
so much power

and as the days went on
the nights got longer
our weakness turned to love
our love became stronger

I gave in
to what I said I wouldn't
I tried to hold back
sadly I couldn't

and here I sit
missing something that
...never was
and hoping
for something that
....never could be

because I love you
and i miss you
and becoming engaged
in floetry
wasn't only for me
like you had presented
it to be

...ha.
not such a fool I am,
you see?

I love myself enough
to know I have an addiction
to things that give me life
to feelings that are
different

oh the ache
oh the pain
you devoured my soul
into your wretched world
and I felt safe
...I felt safe

bleeding these words
on a screen
licking my wounds
until the sin
is washed clean

you cannot hear my screams
you'll never see my tears
though it is killing me slowly
to walk away so lonely

but I have a heart
...a heart to shield
to keep it beating
I must rule the day

you truly are such
a gentleman
a lovely beaut
wrapped in a lie
soaked in a cheat

and u can't even see
your own deceit

lost in a world that was once mine
it gets better or worse or indifferent
as it goes by
who knew it to be the healing i'd see
a bit of of bitterness over time
but you ask and i always say
i'm fine

the colors i see are complex in shades
some words are foreign to me
right from the page
in my head you say is a box of lies
just a shallow pity brigade
so ignore the tears in my eyes
hopes shatter and fade

pain is an excruciating promise
that the current host remains the strongest
misunderstandings and judgmental tongues
will clean the slates of blood from beatings done and i am left with
scars from all of this

kindness and love are rationed into moments more deserving
as if it is only when i may die
that you find me worthy
to shed a tear of hurt in an existence you don't know
yet you still mimic what's before me

a mockery you have made of total devastation
to a life once radiant with positive preservation
on mornings i can't bear to face the day
you throw daggers in my back
in accusations

this disease it steals my life
it has much ransacked my brain
but you,
you
you have taken everything else away

and i've nothing left to gain

desires beneath the skin
result in sin
and if it is the only good kind
then count me in
where your heart is fast
your hands are too
where the skies roll dark
where the water's blue
it's all aligned for what's to come
and as it starts it's almost done
yet the pleasure overtakes the day
the sin will wash the pain away
you cannot stop
although you fear
what was once a thought
is now too clear
and here you lay beneath the moon
the entire world becomes your room

did you ever see his face
as he took your innocence away
did you ever look into evil's eyes
did you play the devil's games
did you try to **** yourself
when it was all over
because the blood wouldn't wash from your thighs
did you scream into your pillow at night
so no one heard your cries
did you watch your world go up in fire that retracted your soul in smoke
did you mask the pain with the blade of change just so you could cope
did you feel like you just might not make it
did you wonder how much longer you could take it
did you wonder how people could say that you faked it
did you ever wonder why you

did it happen to you?

i know i love you
and i know we're
different
i know we're strong
so please just
listen
i know it's hard
it's life
they say
so let's try and
cherish today
i don't like
talks that
expose our flaws
imperfections
is not who we are
we are warmth
we are laughter
we are one
you are my life
i am your moon
you are my sun
having moments just like
day and night
we see rain
we feel thunder
but the rotation
it's just right

insecurities
dreams
hopes
aspirations
will **** us both
if we don't seek affirmation
we've both been
broken
down to the ash
on our knees
we've both given to God
our needs
and turn to each other
to be free
so you go be you
and i'll go and be me
remember in who
they become
it will still be "we"
cast away your doubts
i will bury mine below
i choose to love you forver
and forever you'll know

Every time I try to write about you
My brain freezes
M heart stops
My soul drops

I can't get it out of me
It's stuck in a place that I cannot see

Every time I try to think of you
I cry
I laugh
I get sad

Your smile meant the wold to me
And now it's gone
You're gone
And I'm so mad

Why did you have to die?
WHY. DID. YOU. HAVE. TO. DIE.
Do you know how much you've left
behind?

I'll never feel your hug
Let alone your touch
I'll never hear your laugh
That I loved to hear so much

You were only 27
just a baby
that had babies of your own
You'll never see them grow
Where you went
I'll never really know

I miss you
I love you
And this is when I stop

Because I'm crying

yesterday i took the most hauntingly beautiful picture of the sunset
and i said slow down the car don't turn just yet
this is too beautiful not to share
in that very moment you crossed my thoughts
i knew you were there
to what do i owe this honor i said to myself
you smiled down from heaven and that was enough understanding in itself
lost in the beauty of the saturday
the relaxation
the serenity calm and peace
28 balloons for the birth of the deceased
it was your birthday and i didn't even send you a wish but looking back at that picture you knew it was me

there you go
showing up in my newsfeed
as if I'd be ready to see your face
your smile haunts my heart
and your friendship i still taste

you are dead now
and that is the harsh reality
that sends me to this place
this place where I try so hard to find you

although I know the earth no longer
binds you

was it just too much?

Listening to Donny Hathaway
And I'm singing this song to you
Can you hear me?
Deep in the clouds, high in the skies
Along banks of rolling rivers
Mountain tops and rolling tides
I love you for my life
You're a friend of mine

I cry because I miss you so
I never got to tell you how much love I have for you
How much I loved your soul and
I am afraid you'll never know
So can you hear me?
I'll love you for my life
You're a friend of mine
And I'm singing this song to you

I cry tears of laughter thinking of all the amazing memories I shared with you
I cry tears of immense sadness because I will never create a memory with you again

My friend

I looked forward to your hugs
I looked forward to your smile
Though as we got older and life got in the way there wasn't enough time
And that was my biggest regret yet

My friend

I miss you so much I cannot even imagine what your family, your brothers, your sisters, your parents
...what they have to endure

My friend

My emotion takes no form as it hits the page because in writing of you I could go on for days
I wonder where you've been
how often you come and go
Since there is no longer limitations to your soul

My friend

I love you so much
I miss you even more
I look at your picture and I still shed these tears as if I've never bled before
You were the universe to all of us
The sun the moon the stars and the sky

*My friend

my insides hurt from crying
wouldn't you want to know why?
look into my eyes
deep into my eyes
then maybe for once
you'll see

pain will keep you from living a normal life
what's normal anymore?
pain will make you not want to get out of bed in the morning
pain will make you eager to go to sleep at night
pain will make you wonder if you'll wake up

pain will compromise your confidence in your own sanity
what's sane anymore?
pain will make you cry until your eyes stop working
pain will make you ***** every chance of healing you ever had
pain will take the air from your lungs until you stop breathing

i don't want to be in pain anymore

A broken heart is never
ever healed
only scarred
tucked away
and concealed
You never stop shedding tears
they only lessen
harden and
dry up over the years
However, the blood never, ever stops flowing
it never stops flowing
Do you understand?
it
never
stops

give fate a chance
and love again

It's scary as ****
I'm living a double life
I've created a whirlwind fantasy
of perfected misery
smack dab in the middle of something
meant to be left for broken
meant to be ashes
withered to dust
and here I am barely putting my pieces
back together in the way
they were made
because i thought self admiration
and emotional mutilation
confirmed all acclamations
that this isn't love
this is lust

So in the back of my mind
I think who do I trust?
while my heart begs and pleads
give his soul right to me
and my soul goes right to him
(because that ***** is so free)
I attempt to resist
but for the life of me
every ******* cell in my body
gives right in

temptation is bliss

sorrow becomes of me
as i go on and pretend it don't hurt
i am reminded of the life
i failed to create
diminishing a woman's worth
who determines
what a mother should be?
it's been determined somehow
that it won't be me
and so my tears and blood
become one with the life
that should have been
as i fumble with the pieces
of my broken heart
in attempt to rebuild it again

I downed this big *** bottle of wine
in a small hope to get you off my mind
but your ******* smile man
that **** has me on cloud nine
all. the. time.
your world is scary I'll admit
not sure if you're friends or family
would accept the idea of me
or let me in
just crash into me
in a boy's dream
in a reality

I'm bare ***** here you know,
I'm crazy for you
you put a glow into my eyes
and the happiness that lacks at home
something I thought I had
something I thought I'd know
Makes me cry tears of joy and sadness all the same
I don't want to hurt anyone
but I can't help what I've gained
So what do I do with it all?
What do I do with you?

i'm afraid to watch you die
fear of not being strong enough to see you through as i've sought strangers
love never ends but the body decays
and who's to say i won't climb into your grave?
i've never had to be without you
if you count the years i've been alive
you've held my heart for over half of that time
how do i go on when you die?

i kiss you so deeply so i won't forget the taste
i hold you so tight so i won't forget the feel of your softened skin against my face
i run my hands through your curly hair so i won't forget the touch
i lay my head on your chest at night so i won't forget how your heart beats so much

and all the while i create your memory
i pray to keep you forever
if God must take you first
i will only get through life after
knowing He will bring us back together
curing the never ending hurt

somber it may seem
but you see, i think about it too
i can't imagine life, nor death, nor an eternity
i just can't imagine to exist without you
they say soulmates aren't real
that love at first sight is never due
but i know what i saw
when we first locked eyes
and i can speak from a heart full of love
that

it's true

Overrated ******* cheap bitter whine out of mouths of overworked undereducated individuals searching for achievement
Family nosing into business of other family they don't even speak to but need to know who's better off or worse off so most keep in touch for fake reasons
Friends claiming to be friends even though Bobby slept with Joe's sister Kim when Kim had a baby by Bobby's cousin Jim who's sister beat the *** of that ***** Karley for sharing a photo they were in
In a relationship today because you love to watch the haters hate but make 27 statuses about how ****** ain't **** and how you're 3 months late
Hypocritical comments followed by one hundred twenty seven likes
attached to a photo of a kid that died thirteen years ago twice
but to send a prayer or save a life all you have to do is click
LIKE.

I hardly remember the world before
I wonder what the world will be after

Facebook[.]

I try to think of hearing birds sing a
Cool crisp breeze
Right outside my widow
I try to think of chocolate ice cream
Candied yams and
Warm coffee in my belly
I try to think of orange sunsets peaking through the clouds and hovering over oceans
I try to think of everything but you

And I fail every time

on my mind day and night
you promise me a world i haven't seen
there's a longing in my soul
just for you
that tells me you're telling the truth

i'll gladly wear your ring of despair
use it as my ticket to ride
the waves of emotion and hearts on your sleeve
there's a special place in your hell
just for me

i love you and i hate you
you make me more and less
of what i am to be
do i cling to helpless hope?

or do i set you free?

Today I said my final goodbye
and did I mention how beautiful you were?
it was if you slept right through it all
not even realizing you're not here with us
I hugged your dad too tightly and said Katie taught me about God
I didn't know what else to say
but I said how I most remembered you
and I like remembering you that way
Your family has a strong link of faith
now I see how that's what you became
And though I lost my composure on the sidewalk on such a vibrant sunny day
I know there was no struggle
I know there was no pain

You hair was fire a gold; not just red (it was always my favorite part about you, not sure if it was something I ever said)
laid upon either side of your shoulders in a soft curl and draped around your face
Your nails were painted red and green
and you wore a red blouse with a beige scarf (wrapped loosely upon your neck with grace)
Stunningly beautiful you were
the most perfect I had ever seen
even in death, your radiance shone bright beyond the seams

Although my tears come and go,
and the sadness come what may
I know you had to go
and I know we had to stay
but we will meet again my friend
I will see you again one day

Sitting beneath a starry night
I reflect on the fire of my life
Cold beer don't quench my thirst
So I'll settle for being thirsty
because once you stop wondering
you stop wanting
And when you stop wanting
you just stop
and life just ain't worthy
So while I know the things I desire
what I seek is a goal
I just may never meet
Not meeting it doesn't mean I won't succeed in it
Just means I don't ever plan to put out the fire