we're coming up on one year
since you've been gone
and as i look at all the changes that have happened in this life of mine since you departed
it seems as if one year has been far too long
i could really use a hug from you today
you know, one of your specialty embraces you so easily and wholeheartedly gave away
i could really stand to see the smile on your face
that same smile that could stop the devil in his pace
your energy
your will
it's all still here
even though you died in the flesh
your spirit remains in the clear
and i have the honor of knowing a spirit of such
one of unimaginable happiness
with the most caring of touch

thank you for the years you were here
and for still watching down over all of us

we still miss you.

twenty seven
twenty seven
born right in the rain
twenty seven
twenty seven
the day has come again

the house where no one lives anymore
down long roads untraveled
in empty chairs
where life
it was once there
away from the sun
in a dark dingy grim
hidden away you've sent me
the light is just memory
dried tears on a swollen face
it was good all good
yet you left me
in this place

Embraced in your grasp so, I gaze into your ocean blue eyes, and I am loss in a sense of fantasy and ecstasy; which so happens to be far from reality. Although I don't care to be near reality, because it means that I can continue to be near you. So let this dream become our own reality, and let it mold our worlds into one, and let it carry on our deepest emotions and our most secret devotions until not even the tick of an awakening nightmare could tear us apart.

Close your eyes and dream with me my love; take hold of my hand and fly with me into the depths of our hearts. Let us create our own universe and state of euphoria in a land of precise perfection. The love we feel can combine with our imaginations so that even our natural world could never compete. Are you with me my love? Are you ready to live the dream of dreams?

we were brought here on a boat
taken from our land against our will
we were sold for loose change
with a collar upon our throats
we fell beneath the soil
ate from the hands of the unholy
forced to take beatings on our backs
until our skin began to boil

while we break way from the chains
freedom ain't free in a land not built for us
we still must eat what we're fed
and follow commands from the reigns
Go back home, they tell us
Go back to Africa, they say
but they were the ones who took us
just so they could sell us

in an attempt to learn our roots
we stand in sand and land afar
hop on a plane of knowledge
in shiny over privileged boots
now Africa doesn't even know who we are
and they don't call their land our home
we aren't welcome, obrani they say
from our chest falls a shattered heart

poorly treated by our present and our past
it's no wonder we remain so broken
striving for equality until we die
misunderstood and fading fast
years of tiresome of repetition
the mission never changes
we just want to be accepted as human

Do you finally see the vision?

to grieve the loss of someone alive
makes me wish i were dead
facing fears we once faced together
i face alone instead
the unthinkable had to happen
though it'd been a long time coming
now the dust has settled
i'm no longer left wandering
i couldn't say goodbye
i couldn't even look at your face
the hole left in my chest
is such a hollow space
it was the opening of a door
that was meant for my way out
the one i had refused to open
i'm now being pushed out

i've seen four stages of grief
up until this moment
and now the only one left is
acceptance
it isn't any less hurtful than the other four
and i've return like a stray
staring at the door

but it's not to be opened anymore.

I think about you so often
that I find myself in your dreams
searching for your spirit
to kiss you
to hold you
to know you
how beautiful the night seems
now that I've found you

Let our imaginations
continue to carry us beyond the page
and into our veins
for purpose
for clarity
for understanding
how lovely the days have become
now that I've found you

If it only lasts a short while
and all we have is this moment then I still wouldn't have it any different
to read you
to feel you
to heal you
how the hurt seems to disappear
now that I found you

Even if it is just the moment
let the moment continue to be as lovely as our dreams

Dear Precious,

Mommy loves you.

You are the complete adoration of my selfless soul. What joy and learning experience it will be to watch you grow!

You aren't even here yet, but I know you are patiently waiting to come through. Funny thing you may want to know; your mommy is patiently waiting too!

I pray to God He gives me the tools I need to be the perfect mother. That I can truly provide you with the world you deserve, and to make you the greatest King or Queen you were born to be.

I will teach you about loss and I will teach you about love. I will show you the beauty in lillies and the purity of a dove. I will introduce you to adventures and the rising of the sun, and I will teach you how to capture fire flies when the day is done.

I will do my best to help you understand pain, and show you that even a rainbow cannot exist without rain. You will know the gift of a father and will know the love of a much higher power.

My precious soul child you, I will do everything in my power to love, honor, and rightfully protect you. So do not be afraid to come down to this silly earth, there is far too much to see.  Come down for a visit and be with me.

You will understand one day what it is to be in my shoes, and I will always be at your side, whether in physical or spiritual form, to guide you.

My precious soul child wherever you may be, I will always be waiting.

Love You Forever,
Mom

Blink your eyes once.

An innocent child
killed just like that.

Blink your eyes twice.

While walking through the wrong neighborhood

being black.

How far has the doctrine of Dr. King
come for that?

Mr. Cooke sang to us a change
was gon come..
and he ain't even here to write the lyrics to finish the song unsung!

I wonder if he is watching from the sky,
and knows we are all afraid to die.

It's been a long time coming,
he said.

And here we still wait
to be dead.

And in the midst of our waiting,
we've decided to
**** each other instead.



I know change is a long time coming

I still blush when you kiss my forehead
and when you pinch my hip or nudge my back as you walk past
I still get butterflies when I make you laugh
How could I know love at such a young age?
How could I have known?
The moment my eyes found you
I knew
The moment I gave my all when I had nothing and we turned that empty void into something
and even though there was pain and anguish and heart ache I would do it
yes, I would do it all again
just the same
I wouldn't change a thing
Because there's no other place I'd rather be
than right here with you
Beneath your chin atop your chest listening to the sound of your heart
and feeling your fingers in my hair
listening to your dreams and stories of joy
Speaking about future endeavors that we wish to seek together
The wind carries a song you may not hear for I know that God is speaking and He is saying our blessings are already here!
My love, my sweet
Skin against skin
Kiss on your lips
Hold on for dear life as we live life and love life in love

Forbidden to others and I realized others will never understand and I realized it's not for anyone or anything or others to understand
Because it's you who holds my hand
Because it's you who brushes my cheek
Because it's you who chases the demons away
Because it's who wipes my tears
Because it's you who makes me smile and dream and be not afraid to seek

My love,
You make me feel such a way that I could fly without wings
If an angel could expel the feathers of her being without seeing then I could represent my heart in a thousand shards of emotional delicacy

For that is what you create within me

by day i am not myself
by night i cannot sleep
subconsciously i am terrified
and know that i am weak
you just keep on smiling
and i'll just keep on living
don't ask me how i'm doing
and i won't ask you how you're feeling
should i stay involved?
or should i step aside?
your heart is my prized possession
your love is my life
the thought of you going first
sickens me to the core
tears flood the center of my world
as the pain bludgeons me to the floor
of all the hard times we've faced
of all the struggles we had endured
i just knew our ending would be different
i was so god ****** sure

so here we sit day by day
as we take it one moment at a time
just know until the end i am always yours
and you are always mine

everytime I think of
killing myself
i wonder who will mourn me

will it be the same people
i asked for help
that ignored me?

everytime I think of
killing myself
i wonder what comes after

will I burn in hell
for changing time--
chaos and disaster?

everytime I think of
killing myself
I wonder how I'd do it

and if I'd have
the courage
to actually go through it

every time I think of
killing myself
i wonder if it ever ends

but the pain remains
in after life
as i try to make amends

where lost souls thrive
to stay alive
i may be left for dead

the only sound to be heard
is the furious pace of fright in my chest
stuck behind a wall with **** for windows
i cannot see what is coming next

Words* become

S
  C
A
   T
T
   E
R
   E
D

down the page


the same way
they remain

S
  C
A
   T
T
   E
R
   E
D

in the brain

and a poet's mind
is never at rest
no more than the
cannon of life beats
within the chest

I sit at your bedside to provide you comfort and a true friendship that only one of the dying could ever understand. I hold your hand as you struggle to breathe, and I silently pray you find some relief, and I wipe the beads of sweat from your face and whisper let it be. And once you have finally let go of this world in the most satisfying of peace, and once your soul has taken flight from this very moment to be, I thank God for allowing me to spend it with you. When my time arrives, I can only hope there is such a caring spirit to fulfill such a dire need.

So you want to be kind, and all I ask is for a piece of your life.  I immediately jump off the cliff of conclusions and want what I simply cannot have. Please, whatever you decide to do, remain as open and honest as you can make me believe. And when you decide to put me down, will you lay me down easy?

For moments at a time in the short hours we've shared, I've fallen down the side of a mountain of despair and have enclosed my heart even though you have already been there. I cannot hide from you because you know me too well. Hidden deep in the lines, had you planned to deceive me?

I feel no less than a fool than to have opened my heart. Ashamed and embarrassed I showed you too much and now even you can see through my veil; and you know places in my world to the smallest detail. If I broke down like glass and said you really did hurt me, in an attempt to desert me, would you believe me?

We shared fragments of new beginnings that flourished in its own light. We were the food in our own bellies and the sun in the night. For every emotion raging inside you provided a safe place for my poet to hide.  But as rejection sinks into the skin, I feel the raging storm within me.  The storm we had created intently, and yet, evidently, I am standing alone in the left over rain wondering; why did you leave me?

I am utterly and totally (not limited to completely) dazed and confused in a dark alley of emotions in the midsection of an endless tunnel that leads to possibilities of the unknown. I have already made my choice; I have already chosen my path miles back, and I have traveled long enough to know that I am in far too deep to change my mind. I touch the walls for a message from the blind but even they can't lead me. And so with no other choice but to step forward into the vast night, I pray on the Lord to comfort me and to guide me, in hopes  that the demons within my own soul may never find me. And when all is said and done I hope I can find my way back into what I know, back into what feels right; back into the light.

paint me a picture
using liquid golden sun
sign it, seal it, and deliver it
when you're done

and as you stand right at my doorstep
please tell me i'm the one

As I lay dying
Won't you be my prince charming
Kiss me and tell me you can give me the world
That you'll steal the universe
And chase the stars
With me in your arms

As I lay dying
Won't you hold my hand
Touch my lifeless head and tell me it will be
Okay
That you'll find a way to steal my soul
And keep me alive forever
Together

As I lay dying
As I take my last breath
Won't you find it in you to let me go
and that you can say goodbye and know
It isn't the end
Hold me in your arms dear friend

As I lay dying

I imagine your breath upon my ear
whispering sweet nothings
and your hand upon my thigh
drawing hearts
and your nose nuzzling my cheek
yes this is new to me
But the sound of your voice entices me
and when I close my eyes
these are the very things I see
I am utterly infatuated with your being
and your poetry flows through my brain as a cord of lovely dreams
I blush at the thought of your touch
because I know you know what I feel
and what it means
and to be in your world is a blessing
But to be in your presence in physical form can be but a wish come true
My sweet friend

I smile
Just at the thought of
you

a heart can only break so much--
the bleeding must cease one day
and once all becomes still
in the dawn of the storm,
the chains that hold the world
in its place
will break away

--and you will be left
with the life altering decision
to repair the impossible,
or let it decay

there is always a glimmer
of hopeful sunshine
breaking through the rain,
but sometimes it's just best
to let the water wash away
the pain

because
a heart can only break so much--
fatality determined in a numbered day,
and once the storm has left you
there isn't much left to fade

my mind is weary
because my skin is black
the fighting never ends
we are murdered by enemies
who pledge to be our friends

my soul is tired
because my skin is black
they say move on from the past
as if our great grandparents
weren't working their plantation
disregarding the fact that slaves
have built this nation

my eyes are burning
because my skin is black
crying rivers of tears that lead to
oceans we never see
because American paradise wasn't built
for people who look like me

my heart is hurting
because my skin is black
will it be my brother next?
could it be my father too?
without the love of my life
i have nothing
and what if they take him too?

my skin is on fire
because it is black
a pigment i was born with
that i cannot give back
the darker we are
the more we are judged
the more we are killed
the less we are loved
so we turn to each other
to lift each other up
and now you call us racist
when before you didn't care
you only see a possibility of unity
and i think you just might be scared
we are now aware of our power
that you try to retract
did you forget who your president is?
hmm.. imagine that

we are all weary
we are all tired
we are all hurting
i refuse to tell my son he is less worthy
i refuse to see my daughter cry
and ask why we have to die

because our skin is black

all we have ever wanted was to be treated as EQUALS, as HUMANS, as PEOPLE
America you owe us that!

i am the center of my own disaster;
the victim of my own demise
although i fell in love with the thought of happily ever after
i grew to love the darkened skies

reach out to me
love, open your eyes

i live and breathe for your existence;
are you here for mine?

dancing to silence beneath the glow of the moon
you twirl me in a spin to fast; just a step too soon
i catch a glimpse of my fallen angel,
for he's been watching too

i took the hand of chance and laid beneath the stars
in a moment of passion that had to happen right there; right where we are

an unforgettable unimaginable pair to par

imperfections speak ridicules
to the sanity we seek afar
an addiction to the feeling of being wanted;
yes i do concur
and i solely promise to want you forever
right here in the dark

I said, "I'm done with all this *******."
You replied,  "Then let's get a gun and put our heads together and end it now. It's better than dying slow."

I said nothing about taking you with me
I said nothing about taking myself but you saw my pain needed an outlet
And you wouldn't let me go alone

You said I can't give up
You said we're PB&J;
You said if I die, apart of you dies too

I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have a best friend like you

My father is black and my mother is white
And though we live in a new generation I still find myself having to give explainations on how all of this works
The ignorance of race really hurts
No this is not good hair
No you can't touch it keep your ******* hands to yourself
No I'm not Mexican or Puerto Rican
Stop guessing above all else
I'm black like you
And I'm white like her
I'm flesh and blood not claws and fur
But see you don't want to accept me
Of course unless I'm president Obama or Halle Berry
Did you know they were mixed?
Or were you so deep in the lime light you don't care
Because on the streets I'm not considered black no matter how coarse my hair
I use relaxers too
I've had my hair braided
I've been called ******
I've been followed in stores
I've been sent to the end of the line for no reason
Denied friendship for seasons
And wouldn't you know
(Being black was the reason)
But its just not enough to gain any trust

I don't look anything like white people so I dont even try
Only hope for full acceptance from the other side
And yet still I'm left feeling quite empty inside
Where the hell do I fit in?
Who's on my side?
Since claiming black or white is considered a crime

This was when I decided to become an advocate of self
I found who I was
Didn't need any help
I don't let my race define who I am
But I embrace both my colors
They work well with each other
And that's something society just will not understand

a taste upon the tongue
of unlikely understanding
as the rage boils through and through
until it cannot be suppressed

drowning deep in standing water
we lose our feet to sink below
into a seeping whole of nothingness
buried beyond the depths of our chest

uncanny to the news of reality
shedding layers of our skin
while replacing madness with sadness
and we dare not protest

but a moment in time is all it takes
to determine what the taste shall be
holding on to pride and hateful creed
yet letting go of all the rest

i probably shouldn't
but i already have
so don't try to stop me now
i don't want to die anyhow
just trying to mask the hurt
it's been two years to the day
i feel no better
i feel no worse
i just know bile gathers in my throat
and tears well up in my eyes
and i still remember the phone call
when they told me you died
oh how i cried
how i still cry
we cry
as a community
you gave us immunity
to the bad
you proved God would prevail
we saw you stumble at times
but never did you fail
a dad
a brother
a friend
why did your life have to end?

and every time this year i can't sleep
just a pile of pillows at my feet
the alcohol just gave me a headache
so i move on to something stronger
as i wait for it to get easier
the night just gets longer
midnight strikes and the day is here
and you're still gone
dead
like a retired song
just when i thought my heart was healed
it's remained broken all along
come on friend
come back and laugh again
hug me like you used to
fill me with that everlasting life
the beauty of you
in this empty void of grievance
in that absence
***** and pills will have to do

i ain't proud, no
but you had to go
and that's okay
i will be alright
i will get through this day

I still have a hard time not crying
whenever I hear your name
and I still have a hard time facing the fact
that I will never see you in physical form again
I guess when you are faced with the choice of letting go or holding on and you're caught in the middle of an attempt to compromise
emotions you feel equally as strong

Let me replay in my mind that beautiful smile and contagious laugh
before I fully let go and let you be gone
But my mind won't let me forget you
and my heart tells me it's wrong
So please come and see me and know my friendship is beyond true
You took a huge part of the world from our lives when you left us
and we felt you left us far too soon
It will be five months on the fourth of June
and I still constantly, thoroughly, unconditionally think of you
My love for your family is unending and my love for you still remains
even amidst the saddest and deepest of pain
your smile still brings the sun to my rain

Oh Eric, so many of us want to know why;
so many of us desperately need answers
but all we can do is cry
...and carry on your legacy of being kind
...of being loyal
...and having fun
Though sadly your work here is done
God has given you brand new wings
and a perfect set of lungs
So you breathe baby,
you breathe the Breath of Life
and you continue to be the angel you were on earth;
today the angel in our minds
You have left a job behind, but please know it can be done
We stand behind you still
and I speak for everyone
Go where you want to go
and be who you want to be
but most importantly and above all else my friend

Be free

Eric,

be *free

broken into a thousand pieces
I shatter to the floor
at the reflection of your sadness
I break into a hundred more
and even amongst the breakage
I cannot avoid what's true
for my soul is lost in hopeless wander
my heart is still in love with you
lost within your presence
lost within your sight
lost deep in the sunbathing daisies
lost deep in the woods of night
forgotten voices of Eden
I have eaten forbidden fruit
and the sinful crime I have committed
does not allow me to hide the truth
what is love when it is pain
beyond what can be measured?
what is loved when all that's gained
is irony and pleasure?

as I lie here broken as shattered glass
just leave me on the floor
don't attempt to glue the pieces
I shall remain broken forever more

Scarred for life
That's what they call it
You know, when you can't sleep at night
And you wake up to the sound of your heart
Pounding
Boom. Boom. Boom.
In your ears
In your soul
You have no choice but to go back
To the time that made you feel just as
vulnerable.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
There it is again. Now your mind is awake.
And you're  thinking of every bad thing
You have ever gone through,
And you're thinking of every bad thing you have yet to go through
That you could go through
That you should go through;
You see how the mind works?
Now it's all your own fault.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
No wonder you're scarred for life.

...and when your insides hurt so
beyond the realm of what you know
is it then that you grasp on for dear light

...or do you let go?