And I,
I carried you home,
And I,
Felt the world grow so cold,
I was too cruel to be kind,
I saw myself fall behind,
I'm too out of reach to hold onto you.

I'm sorry I should have listened,
I'm sorry I let go of you,
Forgive me my heart is so loud to hear,
My mind cave in and fall through,
I'm sorry that I gave up on you.

And I,
I cast it in stone,
The lies,
Chained to me and let it fall,
I was too bad to be good,
But I misunderstood,
And I was too selfish to hold onto you.

It's clear, the ugliness you're hiding,
Unfold the sins that you are disguising,
Liar, cheater, traitor, you're sick and twisted,
Unfold the hate that you are disguising.

Maybe I should burn my whole world down,
With a single matchstick,
Your existence is catching
And that's why I'm so sick.

It's clear, our minds are both colliding,
Unfold the flaws in your silver lining,
Evil, stupid, coward, you're sick and bitter,
Unfold the truth behind your silver lining.

I am not okay with the idea of seeing a doctor,
To be told how broken I am,
I am not okay with the thought of seeing a therapist,
Purging my mind to someone who is paid to give a ****,
I am not okay with the thought of swallowing pills,
Forcing myself to swallow each ounce of false happiness
To please everyone else,
I am not okay with people hiding my blades from me
As if I'll never realise that they're missing
Or that I'll suddenly forget the desire to cut away the pain,
I am not okay with people telling me this for my own good,
Because who could ever know what's good for me?
I am not okay with my family telling me they are proud one minute
Then telling me to give up the next,
I am not okay with having to smile through each day
While trying to battle back the oncoming stream of tears,
Teachers asking me if I'm managing at college
Because I "look a little under the weather",
I am not okay with having to eat food
To look normal
When all I want to do is throw it away,
But people pay attention too much.

I am not okay with another breath escaping my lungs,
Falling asleep knowing that my eyes will open the next day,
I am not okay with living,
But nobody will let me go,
And I want them to.

Let me swim
Across oceans
Until I reach the edge
Of the World,
Where I can fall
Through the stars
And into
A Black Hole
Of Possibilities.
    
Let me come out
Of the other side
Knowing the things
I have seen
And the exhilaration
I felt
Are too real
To   brush off like dust.

Let me gravitate
Towards the Sun
With hope that
My impurities
Melt away like
Snow in the Spring
And I am reborn
Perfect.

Another drunken phone call at two AM,
Moonlight filters through the window
As I sob beneath the sheets,
A ghost of a boy,
A shell of a human,
Where there once was love,
There is only me,
A loneliness that's haunting,
Slowly I rise from the bed
Like an exorcism taking place,
The floorboards creak and groan,
The splintered cries of a heavy burden,
A heavy heart

You are somewhere I cannot fathom,
***** dripping from your lips
Like the tears rolling down your
Mascara stained cheeks.

The loneliness follows me around,
Down the stairs,
Into the front porch,
Out into the night.
It can take your place
If you let it be so,
And while I run beneath the street lights,
The transparent arms of loneliness hugging me
And dragging behind me,
I search frantically to find a place to clear my head,
To drown out the drunken slur of your voice,
The violent sobs and cursing that crackled
From the other end of the phone.

The loneliness listens to me when you're not there.
It comforts me when you are nowhere to be seen.

Pour your love over me,
Throw it over like gasoline,
I'm burning inside,
I'm finding it hard to breathe,
Lungs of smoke and debris,
I'm burning alive.

Matches are on the floor,
Flames are alive behind the door,
It's smouldering in my head,
Ashes still burn from before,
Don't know what I'm burning for,
I'd rather be frozen instead.

Keep your demons close,
Don't let them get away,
Let them take you off the path
And listen to what they say.

Prohibition is a sin,
Let go of all your fears,
Grab the wheel and speed away,
There is nothing else left here.

These demons you love
Have taken you far,
But they've taken your keys
And have stolen your car.

Keep your friends close,
Don't let them get away,
Speak about your demons
To keep them at bay.

When I write,
It isn't to document
Every inch of emotion
That spills from my soul,
To purge my despair
And dark thoughts
When they are dragging
The demons in my head
To the surface,
It is a story,
An intricate blueprint
Of each and every step I take in life.
I feel as if by writing from experience
It will allow me to grow as a human,
To ultimately become the person I desire
To be without the need to destroy my body,
I have attempted suicide,
Put a blade to my skin multiple times to find comfort,
Starved,
Purged,
Counted calories,
Found the strength to get help,
Take my medication,
Came out of the closet,
I found love,
I have learned to love and be loved
For who I am,
I have connected with another beautiful soul,
A guy so caring and kind,
I have applied for University and have been accepted,
I have so much more to unravel in this delicate yet complex
Cycle we call life.
I will continue to write every moment that happens,
Whether it is happiness,
Sadness,
Pain,
Desire,
Love,
Hate,
Depression,
Anythin­g.
Then in the future when I look back on what i have written
I will truly see the flights and falls of my past,
The mountain peaks
And the darkest depths of the ocean,
I will see the progress I have made as I swim upstream
Towards my goal,
My dream,
My principal aspiration of becoming an interpreter for the United Nations,
I want to travel,
Be free,
Ride the winds to every continent
And be a part of so many extravagant cultures.

I want to live. I want to live it all to the bitter end,
**Scars, demons and all.

A thousand times I tried to say
I'm walking away from you,
Forget the clichés and the games that you play,
There's only room for one fool.
Pour gasoline,
And strike up the match,
Burn all your bridges
And breathe in the ash,
There will be no phoenix
Between you and I,
Once it's all gone
Our connections will die.
You drop the sword
And I'll hold the shield,
It's all make-believe
Prophecies unfulfilled,
Your love for me was cavalier,
Unreachable like Space,
Maturity was never your forte
And one day you'll be put into place.

They want to see you burn,
They want to trample on
The ashes that fell from
Your skin like it was dirt,
They want to **** the switch,
To blow the fuse in the lights
That shined from your eyes
And pierced all those who
Loved you.

They want to abandon you,
They want to push you out to sea,
With only a single row boat
And a flare that had already been
Used from the one before you,
To cast you out and let the waves
Douse the flames that raged from
Your voice as you cry for help.

They want to see you suffer
So that you realise that you are Stronger than you think,
They want to torture you
To teach you that the raw and
Emotional pain you feel
In your chest is an indication
That you are still alive.

Angels are not just souls from heaven who possess wings and a halo,
They not just guardians that have been assigned to us by some spiritual being.

For me, angels are far more real and closer than they seem.
They have more than one identity,
More than one face,
More than one gender,
More than one soul to guide home.

They won't help you win your battles,
But will give you the strength and the ammunition to fight,
They will scream through your soul to your demons if they have to,
Just as long as you have the courage to banish them.

My angels have embodied many forms,
From a young woman whose heart is as bold as the vibrant pink in her hair,
Who has used her own personal suffering and grief to empower herself and everyone around her,
Who has continuously fought her demons and aided the banishment of those who dwell in the people close to her,
Who is braver, stronger and has more love to give than anyone I have ever known.
A heart of a Lion. A soul of a Warrior

To another, a young man who is distant but feels closer than ever,
Who has given me the strength to laugh,
Who has graced me with his strong humour and wit,
Who has never strayed despite the long hours that we spend without communication.
A heart of a child. A soul of a Samaritan

And finally another young woman,
She has given her heart to others,
Who has faced days of rejection,
But still has the ferocity to hold on and keep her head high.
A heart of gold. A soul of a soldier

These angels have helped me
To think again
To speak again
To live again

**And I thank them. I thank them and cherish them. I will always treasure their compassion.

Your life is stained with cigarettes and whiskey,
Drunken calls late at night to tell me that you miss me,
You like to think we'll take you back,
But we'll leave you drowning in a bottle of Jack,
Family? You don't know the word,
We're better off without you,
Because Susan you'll never learn.

Sit back down and I'll tell you a story,
About how you've ****** up and never said sorry,
About how you said you'll always be here,
But it was the bottle of ***** whispering in your ear,
Feeding you words to say out loud,
Telling me how you were always proud,
Are you even aware of what you say?
All slurred and blurred as your mind decays,
Deluded,
Always secluded,
From the place you're meant to call reality,
Psychotic,
Idiotic,
Blinded by your negative morality.

Susan my dear, you're just another cavity,
Another gaping hole in what was supposed to be your family,
You chose to cower and hide away,
From your past that caused so much pain,
Take a trip down memory lane,
Just face the guilt and face your neglect,
Because thanks to you it had a nasty effect,
On those I adore and cherish everyday,
At least we have realised old habits never change.

Everything is falling apart,
Everyone is falling apart,
And I am trying so hard to hold it all together,
To keep my fingers from slipping,
Letting it all topple over the edge,
Into the unknown.
Everybody I love is leaving me,
Physically or emotionally,
One by precious one,
And soon it will be me,
Myself,
and I.

The thought of another person walking out of my life,
Another dying leaf falling from the tree,
Makes my chest so tight,
I can barely breathe,
As if they have all kicked me down
And are pressing their feet against my chest
Until finally I break.
The doomsday clock is ready to strike twelve
In my life,
Soon I have to start another journey
To get myself on track
But I'm not ready
And I never will be.
I am terrified,
The last ounce of control I've
Managed to cling on to for so long,
Pretending to be happy while I'm dying inside
Was the last defence I had to survive,
But now I am vulnerable,
Past the point of no return,
History.
Finished.
*Dead.

Nobody knows,
If we'll ever come close,
Dancing in the dark and turning,
Tread on my toes but we'll keep on learning,
Nobody feels,
This feeling that kills,
Like the Earth I'll spin you around,
Hold you tight so you'll never fall down.

Eyes on us but we have stopped caring,
Twirling through the night while the people are staring,
I am not prepared to surrender this moment,
Keep my eyes closed and they will never open,
It's all about us until the music stops playing,
Our heartbeats drown out every word they're saying.

My house is made from silver linings,
All intertwined by my faith,
Hopes and dreams all woven in,
So that they remain intact and safe.

The gale force winds,
The echoes of my sins,
All threaten to burn it all down,
The spark of the lightning,
Is more than enticing,
To let it all burn to the ground.

But I've built it from nothing,
The foundation of hope,
And crafted skyscrapers,
Of ways I could cope.

The raging volcano,
The roaring tornado,
Tears apart the bricks and the plaster,
The foundations are shaken,
And now I've awakened,
My own version of a natural disaster.