I wake up on a yogibo. It's comfy, but,
I'm in what is now just
My room.
It feels empty.

All the clutter
That made it look lived in
Is in the three empty
Sock and underwear drawers
That used to be:
Hers.

All the pictures of us
and half the nerdy posters
were removed from the walls.
Half of the games,
movies,
books,
Magic the Gathering cards,
Are all gone, so the shelves look bare.
Half the closet is empty.

I walk into the hallway and pass three doors
The first door leads to a bathroom,
The second a closet.
The third is what I now call a "guest bedroom".
The only things in it are an
Empty dresser covered in
Princess stickers...
And a bed frame.

I try not to leave that door open.

Go Down stairs
Sink into car,
Turn on Spotify
Crank the volume to 24
So I can't hear my own thoughts.

Drive to work.

Belt all of the lyrics and jam to "The one" and "Whoa whoa whoa" and "sloppy seconds".
By Watsky.
Clock in,
Apron up,
Shout: "Morning, family!"

How am I doing? "I'm awesome! how are you?"
How am I doing? "I'm wonderful! what brings you to freeport?"
How am I doing? "I'm fantastic, peak or dark roast?"

How's my daughter?

"Well actually... I
Broke up with her mom
And I
...
Wasn't the biological father
so I don't get to see her anymore.
My manager said that customers are getting
Uncomfortable around me
because I am too open so that's the
Scripted version I have to tell you."

Even though I'd love to tell you
that I don't know how she's doing,
and it kills me.
How I told her mom that even though she didn't have any
Compassion left for me,
And she lied to me,
Tortured me more than any human
on this earth and was slowly draining the
Life and sanity out of my body
like a leech, that I
Knew what I was signing up for
when I started to call myself
Daddy.
That I was leaving her,
so we could both get
Better, but I was not leaving that little girl.
And if she would let me
Love her, or
Watch her, or
Buy her birthday presents,
I would,
because she was the best thing to ever happen to me.

when you ask me how she's doing
All I can think about
is how I earned that first "I
love you,
dada."

How I made her laugh more times than her
Mother made her
Cry. How I tucked her in
and she made me read her
"Oh The Places You'll Go", over and
Over and
Over.
Screaming when I said she'd go
On through the hakken kraks howl, and
Giggling when I said she'd move mountains.
I raised her for three years and she called me
Daddy.
But her mother said
that because I wasn't the biological father
I don't have any right to see her.

"How am I doing? I'm awesome."
"How am I doing? I'm wonderful."
"How am I doing? I'm waking up."

5am wakes a blinding bright orange sun
Standing out against the pale grey sky.
Below, a cityscape of grey.
No cars and few people move this early.
Portland, like most of us, is having a foggy morning.

Two bodies fade to color on a rooftop.
Their crusty eyes
Crack to vibrant orange light,
Half expecting search helicopters
Or seagulls pecking at their limbs.
Praying, for ravens.

They only find each other.
A beach towel beneath them
Half a bottle of ***** beside them
Next to their backpack and undergarmets.
It almost resembles a prayer circle.
Kicked blanket at their feet,
Brazier overhead,
Belt and trinkets to the side.
Lord knows what they were summoning last night.
They sure as hell can't remember.

They only remember touch and smell,
Light lavender hips,
Big Bourbon chest,
Fingers tracing artwork in the dark
Admiring both
Memories and their permenance.

Unfortunately,
This wasn't permenant.

After they climb down it's
He to a hospital.
She to a husband and child.

The orange sun coo'd too early.
Just two hours of freedom
Before the goodbyes and consequences.

A short glimpse of another world.
Hoping for closure.
One step forward.
Three steps back.

When their bodies left the rooftop.
They held hands.

We met up at dobra tea.
Both our bodies were too long
For the tiny tables.
But we loved the atmosphere too much to care.
"I might have stalked you a little bit" she says
Handing me a slip of paper.
"I may have also read your poetry."
It's a poem about what beverage she would be.
I neatly fold it up and hand it back.
"It's perfect."
"Keep it" she says.
"Keep it?"
"Yeah, don't make it weird just keep it."
~~~
The beautiful woman now sits between myself and a bridge.
There is a bike path leading underneath towards the sun.
A guard rail separates us from the
Ocean and seaweed below.

All the trinkets in my pockets
Have been emptied onto the rocks beside me
So as I not hurt myself attempting to conceal them.
We sit against the guard rail holding hands.
"My mom doesn't let me show my sisters pokemon.
Because of evolution.
She's one of those super christians." She says.

"I'm an atheist
But every thing I've ever prayed for has come true.
So, I don't know anymore."

She sits on the guardrail and my head leans against her thigh.
Her fingers run through my hair.

There are so many things I want, that I can't have.
This get's typed into my phone and tucked away like a secret.
"Sorry" I say, and stand up, facing her.

Her forehead leans into my chest.
My arms hold her as I stare into the ocean.

"I have a song stuck in my head" she says.
"Sing it for me."
"I don't know the whole song"
"Sing the part you know"
"Well I only know one line and it's weird."
"Sing the one line, I don't care how awkward it is, I wanna hear it"

"Maybe I'm only in love when you wake me up."

"You didn't tell me you were a GOOD singer."

She reaches for my neck.

"What's your necklace mean?
Well it's the game of thrones martel sigil
People think it's for the show.
But it's for my ex's daughter...
A tattoo was a bad idea,
I can eventually get rid of a necklace."

We notice the sun setting and decide to check it out
As we get up and start walking,
I start to sing.
"I've never been the one to win it all."
~~~
I swing around a lampost and walk to the metal fence at my right.
I stare awhile at the sunset before
Crawling up the slanted wall to my left and sitting up top.
I scribble a note on the wall.
It reads:

"Dear god: please let me kiss her, Amen."

The beautiful creature still stands at the bottom of the ledge.

"You aren't allowed to say i'm a good singer when you sound like that." She says.
"It's like watching a live music video."

I run down and hold her against the metal fence
Our lips dare each other to inch closer.
She pushes her forehead into mine.

"What'd you write?"
She asks.
"It's not for you.
If you want to read it you have to climb up there and find it."

"Ooh you ***."
She crawls up the wall and searches.
"Where is it?"
"That's the fun, you gotta find it."
She finds it.
"This handwriting is awful.
I literally can't read it."
"I didn't want you too."
The sun sets and it's finally dark.
"Think it's dark enough to climb that building?"
~~~
We trek back through the woodsy path
It's pitch black and terrifying.
"We're gonna get eaten by cannibals"
"There's cannibals in maine?"
"There are in this particular part of maine."
We get to the school and start stacking milkcrates like a staircase.
She puts a wooden pallet against the milkcrates
Propping them against the wall.
"You're brilliant."
"I have good ideas sometimes" she says.
Testing the water my feet scale the landmark.
Then come down to support it
While the lady goes up.
After she's safe I follow her.
Adrenaline hits us.
"We're on a freaking roof right now."
"Are we going to fall in?"
"Is there like a trick to walking on rooftops?"
My body plops down and looks at the sky.
"Oh my god...
Please look at the stars with me "
She lays next to me.
"You know how I've been saying I've been transforming a lot of good little ****** girls
Into blood lusting sirens as of late?" She says.
"Yeah."
"I'm starting to think it's not just girls."
"Can I say something cute?
Or would that make things harder?" I ask.
"Say it."
Her breath is sweet.
You have the body of the most gorgeous woman I've ever slept with.
The personality of the woman I fell in love with
The dorkiness of my first high school girlfriend.
The eagerness to get to know me of someone new.
After my ex left me I said I would never love again.
I've been having tons of meaningless ***
Striving for company.
Greif ******* my feelings away
But you.
I'd buy a ******* house with you.

She kisses me.
"Why do you have to be so perfect?" She sobs.
We stay like this.
She moans and wiggles.
We hold our bodies together.
You wanna know what that note on the rocks said?" I ask.
"Yes."
I tell her.
"I'm a terrible wife." She says.
"And I'm a terrible atheist."

Whatever happened that night is something we both needed.
As for the future,
I'm not worried about it.
We both learned stuff  
Made a memory
Whatever happens next happens.
Even if that means you can't look at me.
Even if that means we get to be friends.
I'm not crossing my fingers for some crazy outcome of "us".
Magical as that may be,
We only saw two shooting stars
At the time neither of us had anything to wish for
Except the night to never end.
And if we never forget it then it never will.
You have an amazing man who loves you.
I'm just a memory who helped you realize that.
I finally realized I'm not trapped in a bubble of meaningless ***,
I can actually love someone again.
Even though it was placed in an unobtainable
Chimera of every single thing I could possibly love,
At least now I know I can feel that.
And that makes me more happy than any
Ill-fated prophecy.
You love your husband.
And if a day comes you can look at me and call me friend
I'll be ready for it.
I'll greet you with a handshake and a smile
I promise I'll never advance on you again.
I won't ever try to contact you until I know it's appropriate,
Out of respect.
I've been in his shoes and it's awful
There's nothing I can due but stop talking to you.
So I'll do just that.
Until it's okay again.
Thank you for everything.
I needed you as much as you needed me.
I will never feel awkward when I see you.
I hope someday it goes both ways.
I don't feel bad or seduced or betrayed.
I just feel happy to have met you.
Because I never would have been able to get over what my ex did to me
If I wasn't in the shoes of the man who took her.
I finally realized it wasn't his fault.
I don't have to hate him.
It wasn't her fault either.
Sometimes people just feel things.
And that's okay.
Because in the end, we make decisions,
And feel other things.

Goodbye until you decide to say hello.
You're an amazing girl and he's lucky.

I came across a chimera yesterday.
It had the legs of a beautiful egyptian *** goddess

She covered them with pants she had bought that morning
My favorite color,
Pistachio cream
She had no idea what my favorite color was,
luck should have it,
She's perfect.
Her personality had traits of every woman
I'd ever fallen in love with
Alphabetical From

Anxiety to
Brand new
Comfortable
Directionally challenged
Embarrassed when I caught her smiling
Flirtatious
Goregeous
Home schooled
Intelligent
Jealous
Kitchen working
Lavender loving
Mistake making
Neglected
Open hearted
Passionate
Queer
Religious
Self-analyzing
Takes off her wedding ring
Understanding
Venomous
Worried about everything
Xerox'd onto her
Yeilding Body.
Zodiac stamped

Like she was made especially for me.
she wasn't...
She belonged to somebody else.

~~~~~

She told me I represented the end of the world.
We saw shooting stars and the only thing we could wish was
"Please let this night last forever."

Because once we climbed down our milkcrate staircase
We had to deal with the consequences.

Our lips were so close that I could tell her breath was sweet,
like poison.

She gave me her body.
Pressed it against me like we
Were one whole creature.

I love making woman glow.
Love seeing woman cry.
Not for some sick sadistic pleasure
because ironically,
I hate lying.
When you're glowing or crying
At least you're real.

She was so...
Real...
Just like the rooftop we layed on.
The shooting stars,
The kiss.
Her begging me to hate her.
Touches and moans.
Warmth and the softness of her skin.

Now, I'm just a name
On a list of regrets
That she passes to him
In her worst nightmares.

Before her I thought I couldn't love again.
Broken to the idea of relationships.
Meaningless pleasure.
At least now
I'm broken for a different reason.

Lavender & Honey**

You know the age old question:
If you were a drink
What would you be?
I must be alcoholic.
My highs and lows are so extreme.
And it seems i've been transforming
A lot of good little ****** girls
Into blood lusting sirens
As of late.
I would come in a tall glass
Brimming with lavender & honey.
Honey is usually sweet,
But sometimes
Can be overshadowed in bitter.
And much like nectar
I didn't care for myself as a child.
Lavender
Because I try to be soothing
And envelop you in love
You can tell me of your pain & fears
And I will hold them closer than my own
That's what lavender is for, you see.
Comfort.
I suppose I could have
A hint of bergamot as well.
Though I swear i'm not pretentious.
I'm just trying to make things Interesting.
So what do you think?
If I was a drink.
Would you drink me?

Whether it helpful, useless, or a little too late.
The voices in my head give me advice.

Here's a list of ****** up **** my brain has told me.

1.
Dear Maggot,

As we march
further and further
into the territory of single life.
Which unfortunately
is what happens
to calloused hearts like yours
You'll realize that.
As the goal of *** shifts
from making love,
to meaningless pleasure.
The "unspoken rules."
Of the bedroom
Are always different
And should be spoken.
Loudly.

2.
Although ******* inside a woman
Who loves you enough
To want a baby is a fulfilling
Romantic experience.
******* inside this stranger,
Without a ******, and
Thinking she'll be happy about it,
Is not going to end well.

3.
Not every person
Is going to ask you to
Use a ******* ******.
Take initiative, and wrap it
Before you tap it.

4.
Now that you don't have a girlfriend,
Sleeping at a friends house
Is not always innocent.
A majority of your friends
Will try to sleep with you,  
At the very least.
All of the men will try to sleep with you.

5.
Having *** with a new gender
For the first time
Is exactly like losing your virginity
All over again.
You have no idea what you like anymore.
Why isn't this working?
That doesn't go there.
Oh my god,
Please put that there.

6.
Some of your previous ex's
Will start talking to you again.
You should still probably not sleep with them.
You should probably still not...
...Oh never mind.

7.
When a girl reaches for a 2-liter of soda
After having *** in the backseat of your car.
Do not assume she's thirsty.
She may lift the soda bottle to her ******.
I know what you're thinking,
And yes it's that bad.
Watch, as the soda magically disappears.
When she spreads her legs and says
"Drink from me"
And of course when you say:
"No"
She will get extremely upset at you.
And scream at how terrible of a person you are.
While squirting
****** coke
All over the back seat of your car.

Be very clear about where you stand
On drinking ****** coke
From the beginning.

8.
Just because someone is in a relationship,
Does not mean they won't sleep with you.
Asking if the boyfriend or husband is okay
With you guys hanging out
Is a good first step to taking the higher ground.
Asking during ***
Might **** the mood.

9.
Not every partner wants you to penetrate them.
Some people just want to be whipped.
This is not weird in the single life.

10.
These people think you are vanilla as ****.
Fetlife is not for you.
Stick to tinder.

11.
Listen here maggot,
When a girl leaves something behind,
She probably wants a second date.
Even if what the woman left you was
******* ****** coke
All over your brand new leather seats.

12.
Some of the girls you sleep with.
By some miracle,
Will still want to talk to you.
You crazy *******.
They might make amazing friends.
You might even have *** again.
And if you're lucky, they'll teach you something.