It's 2 AM
I'm propped against the outer brick wall of an abandoned ******* barrel.
I am 50% coffee
40% water,
10% *****.

The sprinklers pop out of the ground and mist the air
In my arms there's a woman I thought I'd never speak too again.
As puddles form and creep inwards,
Stopping just outside our warm bodies.
I'm holding her, puzzle piece, tightly.

She was my first high school girlfriend.

We saw each other in the same place, every year.
Every single time we had heart attacks.
Chanting to ourselves,
"Please don't notice me."
"Please don't notice me."
"Please don't notice me."

Tonight, lit only by the moon light and the lamp fixtures.
I'm holding her tight enough that we look chimera.
Experimental pieces, combined as one whole creature.
Neither of us, want to let go.

Rewind to this afternoon.
She's sitting on the grass next to our mutual friend
I attempt to pass by, unnoticed.
Tip-toe, heart attack.
"Hey Nick"
"****"
The friend jumps up faster than I can conjure words.
I'm trapped in her embrace.
She introduces us.

She thinks... we don't know each other.

A bulldozer hits the brick wall around my heart
That's been telling me to avoid this sweet girl.
We stare at each other like the sky is falling and we're paralyzed.

I kneel down in front of her and look at her like she isn't real.
She's terrified.
"How have you been."
Saying this, felt like a gunshot.

The recoil hits me as she repeats the same question.
Neither of us, have had a great time.

"So much life has happened...
That whatever we did too each other...
Wasn't nearly as bad as now.
If you want to be my friend, I could use one."

She's quiet, all but her breathing.
It gets heavier, and suddenly, the friend rushes to her side.
"Are you okay?"

"If you need me to leave i will, i didn't want to scare you,
If it's too much to see me right now i can go."

The anxiety fills her body like a thermometer.

It turns red and shatters.
She rushes to me and hugs me tight.

Her heart beats a million miles a minute.
She calms down and a tear drips on my neck.
I hold her close to me.

Finally, she manages to push out two words.
"We're talking."

"I know... it doesn't feel real."

"***** YOU!"
She screams, and jumps back.
"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, you needed that."

So fast forward.
It's 2:00 am.
I'm buzzed. and it's freezing.
I've been hugging this girl for roughly two hours.
We both want nothing more then to kiss each other,
But we don't.

Because we both knew,
That was a terrible idea.

I tell her I sang our love song too another girl.
I tell her, I kept the jar of love notes she left me above my bed frame.

She tells me, she reads my poetry.
She tells me she cried, when bapbap died.
She tells me she's sorry, about my job
She tells me she's sorry, about my daughter.

I ask that we not be sorry, for things we can't control.

We remember the good times.
We laugh at them, relive, and enjoy them.

I have so many good memories, that hurt me so badly.
Tonight, I got some of those good times back.
It feels amazing, to just have a night that when
I relive my good memories, they don't hurt,
They Sing.

Last week I got an urge to lay on a rooftop, and drink ***** under the stars,
so I packed an empty backpack with svedka, a notebook, and a cellphone; and went on a mission.
I spent an afternoon looking around.
Taking notes on how in the hell, I could get up to a place that was flat, a roof, and could see the stars.

As it turns out,
the rooftops are not a place Freeport wants you to be.

in fact, one staircase directly leading to the top of a building specifically said
"No Trespassing"
Keeping me out with a locked metal door.

so I kept adventuring.

It did not occur to me until after I had already spent quite awhile scribbling down notes on locations of
milk crates I could use,
ledges low enough to grab,
dumpsters I could maybe move over just a bit,

how illegal it may be,
(I'M still not sure)
Or how dangerous it may be
(probably quite very)
To go on this adventure.

I texted a beautiful girl and asked if she wanted to drink ***** under the stars.

being the suave romantic that I am,

Having spent my whole morning surveying different routes to the rooftops.

Having planned out such a storybook evening, obviously her answer was,

"nah, I'd rather stay home, smoke ****, and watch the new season of Orange is the new black."

*******, Ruby Rose...
Stop. stealing. my dates.

After introducing myself to a handful of other potential candidates, I finally find a woman who believes climbing onto a rooftop and drinking ***** would be a swell time.

By the time I pick her up and get back to the spot,
it's late enough that Freeport is a ghost town.
We run down the middle of the street, me dragging her, doctor and companion style towards the first flawless plan:

Milkcrates behind linda beans.

We stack them up like steps and walk up to the top of a metal ceiling
Affixed perfectly above a flight of stairs that leads to the top floor.
I thought, "maybe we could climb the metal ceiling like a ramp."

it turns out
that not only is it
incredibly difficult not to
fall off of a slanted flimsy ramp
with no handles. But it is also: Terrifying!

Eventually I make it to the top and realize:
"****, There is still a tall ledge I have to hoist myself onto"
I look down to the short brunette quivering
on the ramp's lowest tier and decide that there is no way either of us were going to make it.

"Hey rose, " (That wasn't her real name)
Let's try a different way up.

attempting to crawl down slowly,
my **** scoots forward, hands behind me,
I slip and start gliding down like a children's slide.
flailing and attempting to catch myself before
falling off the edge and plummeting onto a dumpster.

(Whistling noises)

Thud!

She screams.
I laugh uncontrollably.

She slowly descends our statuesque landmark milkcrate staircase.
Like an angel coming from ghetto heaven.

I lift myself up and hop down off the dumpster.

putting my backpack down,
I check to see if the ***** bottle is okay.
It's fine.

"Good job, *******."
"We're fine."
"You're an idiot."
"I could have died, don't I at least get a kiss or something?"

She gives me a disapproving look, then kisses me.

eventually we did
make it up to a rooftop,
Where we laid and watched the stars.
They were warm, distant, and beautiful.

I liked feeling their glow on my skin.
But I loved taking the journey to meet them.

"You are both better off without me.
Towards the end, Mommy realized it,
She just didn't want to hurt you."

Her name was Luna.

The only people who saw her face was her mother and I.

You could say she didn't exist. But we Knew better.

We tried for two years to help her meet her sister.

But every time we thought we'd made a connection something intercepted the call.

she scared us a couple times.
Made us love each other a few other times.
And in the end, we never got to hold her.

I guess we never should have named her.
But when you love something that much. It's hard not to dream about it.

she was the best parts of both of us.
Her mothers beauty, her fathers heart.
I'm not saying I regret trying.
I know how happy she would of made us.
But Something out there knew that Luna was better off as a distant memory.

I'll never forget the day
Luna spoke to me.

I got a knock on my door about a week after the break up.

"Can I come in?"
Honestly, I didn't know if she could.
"Where is she?"
"Her grandparents" she said, stepping inside.
It turns out ex-girlfriends are not like vampires,
They may, in fact, walk in uninvited.

"What have you been up to?" I ask,
As I close the door behind her.

"Work. You?"

"I had *** with a girl in Kennebunk"

"Oh, let me guess, nerdy with an irish face?"
She knew my type.

"No actually, Egyptian... I know, weird"

We walk up to the bedroom.
I try to hold her hand,
But she pulls away.

"I miss you."
"I miss you too," she says, "but it will make things harder,
You know that."

"Did you **** him yet?"
She doesn't look at me.

"So yes. When? How long did it take?"
"Nick, you don't need to know"

"I need to know, more than anything. When?"

"That night."
"The night I called you?"
She's quiet.

We decide that since we aren't together anymore,
It'd be a good idea to confess
All of the things we lied about over the years
So it'd be easier to hate each other.

We circle around the bed taking turns.
Getting angrier, and angrier.

"As soon as I walked in their door
His girlfriend stripped all my clothes off.
She didn't even let me say hello."

"Well you know that love song
I wrote for you?
It was actually for my ex girlfriend."

"He said I was great at riding him,
And when we were done,
We smoked a bowl and cuddled."

"You cuddled!?"

"Yes. Cuddled."

"I want, just.
To *******."

"Then do it."

I fade awake with her naked body draped over me
Like the world's most comfortable blanket.

This is the last time I get to feel this happy.
Like a dream.
Safe. Comfortable. Warm.

As I open my eyes,
I see the empty room.
Her things are already gone.
She is a foreign object in my bed.

Her once delicate touch turns
Hot coal and burns me.
I jump back and bury
My head in my hands.
The room starts spinning.
I don't love her, I'm not happy,
We aren't happy.
I hate her. I hate this room.
I hate myself.
I want everything to just go!
"Put your clothes on and just go!"

She is awake now.
She reaches for my phone.
"What are you doing?"
"Do you know my number?"
"I don't have it memorized."
"Good."
She hands me back my phone.
"If I need you, I'll call you."

She leaves.
Forever this time.
It turns out I was wrong.
Ex-girlfriends are exactly,
Like vampires.

She said "I think, I'd be coffee."
I had asked her:
if your personality was a beverage,
what beverage would it be?

I reply,
"No. You wouldn't be coffee.

I wake up to a cup of coffee every morning.

If you're going to be coffee you need to have somehing else to you.

Be sweet and cheap with tons of sugar if you have too.

Or more preferably, be locally roasted with high notes and low notes.

Or be dark, bold and roasty.

You can taste like anything!
bing cherry, citrus, earthy, chocolate.

You can't just say coffee.
Coffee deserves so much more explanation than that.

I had coffee brandy once.

I woke up to her every morning and I got drunk off of her.
If I ever stopped drinking water i'd throw her all up and feel sick.
but I would never drink water.

Every morning After I drank her I'd walk down the hall and find a sippy cup full of milk.

Even she was not just milk.
She was strawberry milk.
She was coffee milk.
She was my little coffee milk.

You are not coffee.

I had coffee before and it's gone.
You are water.

I don't wake up to you every morning.
I don't need you to get through my day, yet.

But run you through my filter enough times.
Soak up all my grounds.

Maybe one day,
You can be my coffee.

I was friended on facebook by a stranger.
Usually this means I went somewhere and inspired someone with my
Personality or
Flirtation to look me up,
Or maybe a friend, of a friend, of a friend, thinks I'm cute and
Stalked my profile.
Maybe, I'm just an attempt at a ******* to this person.
Which I'm normally super okay with,
But here's the thing.
It was a man.
Now, this is not an issue to me, specifically.
I am in fact bisexual, but that's more of a title,
I mean, I've never been
Penetrated, by a man before.
N-not that I wouldn't be.
But we don't call virgins asexual because they haven't had *** yet so,
I just say bi.
Anyway, this man starts the conversation: "hello! with a smiley face."

I over analyze this: "hello! with a smiley face."
What does it mean?!
I stalk his profile.
Is he cute? Not really, but he isn't ugly.
I've never been attracted to men physically anyway it's always the
Personality,
Or icy blue eyes that pull me in.
And this man wears drag and rocks it so I will probably like him.
I don't know why, but I have a thing for lesbians and
Lesbian like things. It's really....
Destructive.
We have a little conversation and It's fairly innocent
Until he hits me with this line:
"Pretty boys down on their luck, is a sight I am unable to stand."

There it is!
I knew it!
This man is flirting with me!
I could smell it from a mile away.
I know this game.
I've been on
His side of this conversation a million times.
But, i've never known what it feels like to be here.
In this weird space, on the other side.
Getting complimented.
I never get complimented!
At most I get a half-hearted handsome after I
Confess my addiction to a woman's beauty.
Never, am I put on such a pedestal.
I mean, this stranger clearly wants their ***** inside of me.
I can think of no higher compliment.

Things escalate very quickly. Too quickly.

"I have a big bed, and I'm ready for a night of boys, *****, and another B word."

I, an idiot, honestly can't think of the third b word.
"Uh... bacon?
Backrubs?"

"No sweetie, *******."
"*******!?"

What did i get myself into? I had
Absolutely no intention of seeing this guy
EVER and now he thinks I want to come over
TONIGHT for
*******

How did I get myself into this?
What did I say?
What possibly could have made him think i was interested?
Is it just because I haven't bluntly said no?
I scroll up and search for an answer.

"You're pretty cute yourself."

****...      
Yup, that'll do it.

He says:
"Mmmmnfff, You're adorable"

These compliments though! I get
Tingles every time he says something like that to me.
It's so nice that it's entirely worth just
Dealing with the creepiness to hear it.

And then I realized....
That this is what it feels like.
This is how woman feel when we ask to
**** before getting to know them.
It's dangerous.
Like jumping off a cliff and hoping for a trampoline.
It's almost, always,
Rocks.

He says:
"Are you familiar with what consent is? because
I've had issues with that."
"Are you going to be one of those straight boys who are just
Wasting my time?
I hate having my time wasted."

I, realizing now what I'd gotten myself into, say:
"As a matter of fact, I am...
Sorry to have wasted your time, but at least I told you now.
A lot of girls don't"

Let's go on a date, eat some
Food, drink some wine.
You'll tell me your flaws, and I'll
Show you mine.

I whisper, that you look like a swan today.
Then you tell me that I was your favorite lay!

Now I'm not telling' you, that you have to move on,

But I don't want to be with you for very long.

And I know I should try, to remain by your side

Just so long as you've got the love to provide,

But don't cry, I'll be here for you.

Just make sure you want me too

'Cause I'll be here as long as you want me baby.
As long as you want me.
As long as you please me.

You're right,
I don't have a mind and I don't have a heart.
Because it was broken five years ago by some other ****,
And I've been trying' to learn a million different names
To forget all the
Pain... and the
Love of those days.