I still wait for it, you know.
That tiny sign that you still care.
You could merely say hello to me.
And I'd be happy beyond compare.
Please don't forget me.
I'm losing my faith in you.
I'm scared that I never meant anything.
Please don't let that be true.
I loved you, with everything I had.
You owned my heart for three whole years.
I gave you everything I could.
And all you gave me was an endless supply of tears.
Was I really that easy to forget?
You called me your angel.
I thought you'd never tell me a lie.
But now I see you weren't being truthful.
And this really is goodbye..

Some people feed off nothing but negativity and sadness. Don't get involved.

You can't fix people, they are the only ones who can fix themselves.

Be kind, but don't let yourself get walked on.

Embrace the things you love.

Not everyone is going to like you. That's okay.

You're going to make mistakes. It's human nature to ***** up occasionally.

Don't let anyone tell you that you're less than.

People may not understand what you're going through, but that doesn't mean they don't care.

Don't be afraid to live.

Not everyone deserves a second chance.

Don't let people guilt you into things. You're allowed to say no.

Today is yesterday's tomorrow. Don't waste it.

Never give up on your dreams.

"If you can dream it, you can do it"

There's a fine, fine, line between love and a waste of time,* That lyric never had meaning to me until I was drowning in a sea of hopeless, unrequited, I love you's. I always thought it was a silly lyric until it proved to be so true. I wish I was still blissfully unaware of how dreadfully fine a line it seems to be. And how much wasted time I spent listening to you say that you loved me.

One month left
Of being a child
One month left
Until you tell me no more time to play
One month left
No longer the dancing queen
One month left
Thrown out into the world
One month left
And I'm not just a little girl
One month left
I really should be happy
One month left
I dread the end
One month left
Maybe everyone will forget that
One month left
Is all I have
One month left
And I can go on pretending
Until I have
One month left
Again

To being 18 and insecure
Every day fighting more and more
Love hurts worse every time
Losing myself in a poem's rhyme

Missing you always
Endless nights and tiresome days

Your voice echoes in my brain
Over and over, again and again
Useless feelings, my insecurities reign

Covering up my scars
And frequenting bars
Really it's not that great
E**ighteen is just ten years of misery, plus eight.

So it's my birthday.
And all I want is to hear from you.
And to know that you're okay.
Maybe you hate me now.
Or forgot I ever existed.
But something about this day.
Has to remind you of me.
Right?

I've started wishing again
Stars, eyelashes
Wishbones, 11:11
Creating pictures from the ashes
I doodle your name
In the pages of my heart
To me you are
More beautiful than any work of art
You are the sun
To my rain
You take away
Every ounce of pain
Will you be mine?
Will you love my mind
And my fragile
Soul as it gently unwinds
In your hands
You can mold it
To any shape or form you please
My heart, you can hold it
I trust you
With every inch of my being
In my dreams
It's you I'm seeing
I
Crave
You

I often wonder
How people would react
If they could hear
The thoughts that trickle through
My mind
How often I tell myself
It's my fault
Everything is my fault
You're not pretty enough
Not smart enough
Not talented enough
Not nice enough
Not skinny enough
But I cannot speak
These thoughts
So instead
I could write a novel
Entitle it
Nicotine and broken dreams
And fill it with all my thoughts
It'd be written in blood
And stained with tears
Pages upon pages
Filled with hatred
And self loathing
It will be considered
Tragic and poetic
When in reality
I'm just pathetic
I mean nothing
Not a single thing
I'm unimportant
Worthless
Pointless
Good for nothing
A monster
A monster who gives her love
To everyone else
And saves none
For herself
A monster who leaves
Herself empty
And the empty spaces
Are filled with negative thoughts
That I must write down
To release

I paint my nails a dark color
To hide the blood under my nails
I apply my makeup every morning
To give life to my sleepy tear soaked eyes
I wear long pants
To conceal the cuts on my thighs
I wear long sleeves
To cover up the scars that adorn my arms
I paint on a smile
To distract from the sadness that truly lies there
I am the master of disguise
You look at me and don't expect a thing
I'm wonderful at covering up
All this pain I'm harboring.

Your name tastes sweet like cotton candy
When it rolls off my tongue into your ear
Something you can't help but to want more of
Every time you hear
Your smile is dangerously beautiful
Like a wild rose
I've tried to hide how much I love you
But everyone knows
Our paths were breathtakingly close
But they never met
Until that perfect moment
When the time was set
I never knew head over heels
Until you turned my world upside down
Now my feet
Are over my crown
But the worlds more beautiful like this
Upside down, turned over, a different way
To see everything anew
Forever is how long I plan to stay
Head over heels
In love with you.

Broken piano
I play no tune
You try to play
Clair de lune
On my keys
Of ivory and black
Beautiful outside
But inside they lack
They won't hit
The right note
They get caught
In my throat

Look down
No eye contact
Why is he looking at me
like that?
Look down
Keep a fast pace
I wonder if he
can hear my heart race?
Look down
You're overreacting
But you're such a
delicate young thing.
Look down
You're easy prey
desperately trying to
remember what they say.
Look down
get in your car
Drive away fast
drive away far.
Look back
he carried a gun
heart racing,
the battle's been won.

I once asked you what your favorite things were.
Your favorite movies, songs, books, places, people...
I was hoping my name would make that list somewhere amongst the things you held dear to your heart.
But everything's changed in such a short little year.
And now I wonder, if someone asks you if you have any regrets, people you wish you'd never spoken to, or situations you wish you'd never been in.
Will my name be on that list?

X

Am I delirious
To think you'll ever come back?
It's been far too long
And I know that
You've long forgotten me now
But a part of me still hangs on
To the memory of you
And that makes it almost impossible
To forget you too

I'm seventeen years old
Young, with my whole life ahead of me
But I've tried to end it before it could even begin
Because society tells me I'm not good enough
So I put on mascara and swipe on my lipstick
In hopes that I'll be worth while
Because the media and magazines and tv told me
That I wasn't
I feel ashamed of my body
Because it doesn't look like hers
And her body is what mine should look like
According to Cosmo and Glamour and Vogue
So I buy a salad when I'm craving a burger
Cause the size of my thighs is more important
Than my desires
So with every diet pill I take
And every self depreciating remark I utter
I become more obsessed with being perfect
An impossible standard that's been set by society
And every time I don't reach it I buy more things
That media tells me will fix my disgusting flaws
So that maybe one day I'll become perfect
And worth while
So that one day I can be proud of who I am
Instead of hiding myself away
Like a princess in a tower

I'm not one for small talk
Some call me introverted
It's not that I'm scared to speak
It's that I don't want to participate
In trivial things
Like how the weather's been
Or what color nail polish is in
Tell me what lurks in the inky black depths
Of your soul
And maybe you'll catch my interest
And maybe I'll tell you what lurks in mine
But until then I'll sit quietly
And sip my tea
And dream of causing a little controversy

Many times I think that I'd like my life better without you in it, but
I* just can't shake the feeling that I'll miss you when you're gone, and even
Still I'm much too terrified that you won't miss me back.
So I'm not sure how to fix this situation I'm stuck in.

Cher amour
I love you no more
vous coupez moi profond mon amour
I love you no more
Mon amour, mon amour, mon amour.
I love you no more
J'ai trouvé de nouvelles façons de battre mon amour
I love you no more
Ces pilules sont mon nouvel amour
*I love you no more

You've become one of those memories that I can't remember whether or not I dreamed up, or it actually happened. I can feel my heart aching for you and my mind doubting itself. Were you ever even real? Were you just some beautiful nightmare I dreamed into reality? Will I ever dream of you again? Or will I one day see you on the street and be overwhelmed by the fact that you were as real as the love I felt for you?

No one told me how much it could hurt. No one told me how I could so easily I could fall back down after picking myself up. No one told me that even though it's bad to keep everything inside you, it's even worse to tell it to someone who doesn't care. No one told me how hard it would be to find someone who does care. No one told me that you could get so sad that you could actually feel your heart breaking. No one told me how hard this could be.

Sweet nicotine princess
Darling you're divine
The way you sip so proudly
Your glass of red wine
Who will be your next victim
Will it be her and her golden hair
Or him and his blue eyes
The way he dances like Fred Astaire
Many catch your attention
But something seems amiss
This one's not so easily ignored  
Raven hair & green eyes you can't miss
And the feeling in your heart
That prompts you to change your ways
The feeling of undeniable love
From the moment you caught her gaze

Rose tint my world
All in a different shade
Vibrant or subdued
I promise they'll never fade
Coral for the desire to be near to you
White for the youthfulness of your face
Red because my love is true
Pink to admire your grace
Lavender for being enchanting
Orange for my fascination
Yellow for joyous feelings
More pink for appreciation
Rose tint my world
And I'll paint you a masterpiece
With the hues of my emotions
I'll show how my love will never cease

I could give you a list of hand written "I miss you's" that would stretch to the moon and back but it still wouldn't convey to you just how my heart aches when you're away.  I could bend and mold to your every whim, do every single thing your heart desires, but I don't think you'd pick up on the fact that I'd give anything to keep you happy. I could tell you that your eyes are green with grey and gold swirling through them without even looking at you and you probably still wouldn't notice how much I stare into them. I've seen you at your worst, and at your best, and been right here throughout it all and still you haven't caught on that I love you.

Off* doesn't even begin to describe my sleeping patterns. As someone who has watched the sun rise before even having a wink of sleep on too many nights to even count, I have lost the privilege of just calling my sleeping schedule off. It seems every hour I spend awake, my body becomes more hyper aware of the fact that I cannot forget you. No matter how hard I try, you're still always lingering in some corner of my mind. But it's even worse when I sleep. Dreams bring the most bittersweet memories and fantasies to the forefront of my consciousness. Lingering kisses, proclamations of love, sweet nothings, all ripped away from me when reality sets back in. And which is worse? I can't decide. I've tried to avoid them both for so long and all it's gotten me is a particularly more than off sleeping pattern.

I want to go back
To being an eagle on the swing daddy built for me
I want to go back
To watching ****** doo every day
I want to go back
To momma packing my lunch
I want to go back
To math being 2+2
I want to go back
To asking Santa for presents
I want to go back
To when 18 seemed aeons away.
I want to go back there
And far far away from this new reality here

My heart continues beating
My mind continues wandering
My lips continue to sing
My lungs continue breathing
I am without you
But I continue to live
You told me I couldn't
And I believed you
My thoughts told me I'd die
If you weren't here
And I believed them
But here I am
On my own
And still living

I'm not your girlfriend
I'm not your wife
I will never be your girlfriend
Not in this life
Your incessant flirting makes me cringe
You won't respect my wishes
Please go find another girl
The sea is full of fishes
Stop calling me your girlfriend
Don't put your wandering hands on my thigh
I don't even know you
And I'm definitely not willing to try
Quit calling me baby
That's not my name
I know what you're trying to get
And I don't play that game

My coffee is bitter
But my feelings towards you taste worse
And my coffee alleviates my headaches
You just cause them

The second I feel that you could possibly hurt me, I will run.
I will run and I won't look back.
I don't know if it's a bad habit.
Or if I'm just protecting myself.
But I will ******* run.
Don't make me run.

No one notices the minor mistakes and flaws that blink like neon lights in your self depreciating eyes.

No one notices if you've stumbled over your words.

No one notices that you couldn't do your eyebrows perfectly this morning.

No one notices that you spelled a word wrong in that text message.

No one notices the little blemish that you've spent hours googling how to get rid of.

No one notices that your hair isn't perfectly curled because you woke up late today.

No one notices your flaws because everyone is too busy trying to make sure you don't notice theirs.

"You're just like everyone else"  
You said to me over and over again
Every time I tried to get out
Of the cage you had me locked in
"You're just like everyone else"
You accused me of lying
And breaking promises
As you kept me to watch me internally dying
"You're just like everyone else"
You said I'd leave you like the rest
But was I wrong to leave
When you ripped my heart out of my chest
"You're just like everyone else"
You said as you picked apart my flaws
Told me I was nothing, unimportant, stupid
Tore at me with your claws
"You're just like everyone else"
You said crying as I walked out the door
I told you I didn't care
As I left you bleeding on the floor
"You're just like everyone else"
And maybe you're right
But unlike everyone else
I wasn't afraid to fight

I'm done with you
Completely through
Calling me when you feel alone
But I'm too busy to answer the phone
It's final, your turn is up
You blew it, buttercup
Don't come crying to me
My love's not free
Sorry babe, you shot your chance
No time for one last dance
I'm walking out the door
Love doesn't live here anymore

I should tell you, I should tell you
I stop breathing when you look at me
I should tell you, I should tell you
Your touch sends my heart into a tizzy
I should tell you, I should tell you
You make me feel free
I should tell you, I should tell you
The thought of your lips makes me dizzy
I should tell you, I should tell you
I want you and only you
I should tell you, I should tell you
I
      Love
                 You.

Was that you, my dear?
It was so brief
I hardly caught a glimpse
Why, it's been a year
Would you recognize me?
Have I grown too much?
I have this agonizing fear
That perhaps you don't want
To see me at all
And if you happen to peer
In my direction
And I catch your gaze
Would you sneer?
And look the other way?
Or would your heart still flutter
Hit by cupid's spear
So many possibilities
That brief moment could cause
And as I sit here
Contemplating the outcomes of a fleeting moment with you
I can't help but wonder
If you contemplate them too.

I don't know how to not push you away. I don't know how to deal with these feelings I can't convey. They're locked up inside my heart, my head, my chest, my lungs, my fingertips. You're looking right at me but you fail to notice how my consciousness slips. With every passing breath, my lungs become harder to use. I'm not listening to your words, I'm just wondering why internal wounds are so much easier to bruise.  The pain is still horrendous to feel. But to the world, if the wounds aren't visible, they're not real. It's like I'm being torn from the inside out. But I can't find my voice to let the monster out. And no one seems to notice if you're breaking inside. Everyone looks the other way, even when your tears refuse to subside. I'm too tired to fight. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe they're right.
But God, I thought crazy was supposed to be bliss. No one warned me I'd wind up like this.

I am not afraid of dying
I'm already dead
Fear is imaginary
It's made up in your head
But I envy those who are afraid
Of the absence of life known as death
Because they have something to live for
Before they take their last breath
If death is the absence of life
Then I've already been dead for a while
Life hasn't been around for some years
Left me alone and took my ability to smile
Death is painless
Incredibly easy to slip into
That numb feeling
That death creates in you
I'm a ghost among the living
No joy to be had
But being so very dead
Isn't so very bad
I feel nothing
No pain, no fear, no joy
I was nothing to life
Just another human toy
I was nothing all along
Life is just a beautiful lie
Death made me see the truth
Through my own soulless eye
No one really cared
All I felt was pain
Death let me see the light
Through life's darkness and rain

Can you feel me thinking of you? Sometimes I think it's all I do. Do memories hurt you in the same way that they hurt me? Did you finally realize that freedom's not really free? If you saw me on the street would you look the other way? Or would you stop and talk... I'd be curious as to what you'd say. Would you ask me how I've been? Or would you be scared my patience had grown too thin? It hasn't, it should've long ago. But I still wait for you regardless of what I know. My hope won't die, and nor will my love for you, dear. So if we happen to cross paths, don't have any fear. I'll welcome you with open arms, as pathetic as that sounds. But darling, you're the only one that I still look for in this little town.

Die
Useless
Not talented
Ugly
Worthless
Stupid
Disgusting
Not worth it
Weird
Alone
No one
A **** up
The words etched into my brain
They whisper to me
no one cares about you
you mean nothing
Soon they yell
youre disgusting
**** yourself
no one will miss you
So when you tell me
I have no reason to be sad
Take it up with the voices in my head
They're the ones driving me mad

I can feel the frustration
Bubbling over
Like a shaken up soda
Got my four leaf clover
Lucky I didn't
Explode this time
I was close
To commuting that crime
Explosion of emotion
Bomb is set free
All my anger towards you
Flying out of me
I'll pay for my sins
But so will you
If that prophecy
Is even true
Be careful not to
Set me off
Cause stopping a bomb
Is proven quite tough

The lies
do they ever stop?
your eyes
filled with deception
your heart
fed by evil
your art
the wretched masterpiece
you carved
with my soul
mutilated
manipulated
annihilated  
hole
you left behind
where my heart used to be
your lies in my mind
wont let me break free
I'm stronger
more so than you
I'll repair myself
that's what I'll do
heard she's doing to you
what you did to me
is it true?
You need me now?
think I'll come back?
to save your soul
that you so sadly lack?
Well dear, sorry to say.
Karma's a *****
but only with *******
does it play.

Love is a two way street
And I won't walk down it
If you're not in the middle to meet
I won't put in all the effort anymore
I won't feel any remorse
When I look in your eyes & slam the door
So go ahead & take two hours to reply
I won't bother responding at all
Nor will I be around to watch you cry
You'll wake up every morning with a cup of regret
And I'll walk happily along my way
And you, I'll so easily forget

Kiss me with your razor lips
Say my name with your dagger tongue
Stare me down with your stone cold eyes
Rip me apart with your words
Patch me up with your lies
Love me darling
With your sinful ways
Promise me forever
With your fingers crossed
Without you, darling
I'd be lost

Alone
Never lonely
Never good enough
For anybody
Pick apart
All my flaws
Until my soul
Is rubbed raw
Not pretty enough
Too delicate
To be tough
Not as talented as her
Not as lovely
Needing to be thinner
My hips
Too wide
I crush
My pride
I do this
So self inflicted
I want to love myself
But I'm so conflicted
How do I love
Someone so disgusting
The tears I cry
Have my heart of steel rusting
Making it harder to break free
From this self inflicted misery

Somehow, my heart mended
It stitched itself up after
Being torn when we ended
My heart is filled with laughter
In places that used to be full of sorrow
The light found my eyes
And I found the promise of tomorrow
Although it came as a complete surprise
Time does heal all wounds
I was sceptical, it's true
But nowadays you don't make me swoon
My heart's long forgotten about you

I heard you on the wireless back in 52
The love we shared always used to thrill
Lying awake intent at tuning in on you
Nowadays it's main priority is to ****
If I was young it didn't stop you coming through
Worlds apart and it rips our seam
You were the first one
You lived through the age and I'm barely nineteen
You were the last one
Our love riddled with complications
In my mind and in my car
You'd change the stations
We can't rewind, we've gone too far
It's too dangerous for me in your heart
Video killed the radio star