You're telling me to leave
With your hand around my wrist
I can't go with you holding me back
No matter how much you insist
Be free you whisper
As some form a cruel joke
You smirk as you watch me struggle
You know it's all a hoax
I try and I try
With all my might
But you're sitting on my wings
And I can't take flight
These restrictions you put on me
Make me feel like a caged bird
But unlike the pheasant
I have no sweet song to be heard
So why do you keep me here
When I have nothing to give
Is it really just because
You don't want to see me live?

If you are tired of being on the bottom, don't drag others down. You'll still be on the bottom. Raise yourself up and join the others at the top. Misery may love company but company won't make you any less miserable.

Please.
For my sake and yours too.
Don't ******* love me.
Cause I can't promise I'll love you back.
And I can't promise I won't get attached.
The only thing I can promise,
Is that it won't be fair for you.
And it'll tear me to pieces
Because one part of me
Feels bad for not loving you
Like you love me
But the other part
Doesn't want you to stop
So please.
Just don't ******* love me.
Because I've built too many walls
Around my heart
And I can't tear them down
And I'd never ask you to
So don't ask me to let down my hair
And let you in.
Don't ask me to huff and puff
And blow my walls down
Because I'm not a princess in a tower
And I'm not the big bad wolf
I'm just a broken china doll
And my pieces are jagged
And I know you'll get cut
One one of my edges
So just spare us both the pain
And don't ******* try to love me.

You've left me
Not in anger
Not in sandness
I fear you've left me
In the worst way possible
In utter disinterest
I fear you got tired of me
My babbling that morphs
Into inexplicably cold nature
So unsure of myself
Anxiety ridden
You don't seem to care anymore
I'm not sure if I miss you
Like I miss her
Because I had this nagging feeling
All along
That you would soon grow tired
And weary of me
And pack your things
And leave me here
Without a second look.

How do you quiet the voices inside your head? They say such ugly things. At first I didn't believe them when they told me I was worthless. I gave them the cold shoulder when they said I was ugly. I scoffed at them when they told me I was weak. But I still hear them, and they still shout at me. And the more they insist, the more I believe the things they say. So how do I quiet the yelling that I can't control and the voices I can't escape?

Oh Joan Travoolty
What a swell name you have
Would be a shame if someone were to
Mispronounce it.

My skin
Snowy porcelain
Scarlet soils
My Snow White complexion
You're the bandage
To my destructive self image
I cut deeper
You try harder
To paint my smile back on my face
Wipe away all the tears without a trace
From so far away
You keep me warm
When I'm cold and done
You're my sun
Your tongue speaks only truth
To me you are honest
I trust your love
You're my blessing from above
Come to save me from myself
Just by caring for me
Your love gives me hope
Keeps me from letting go of my rope

Goodbye to you
Sweet hopeless dream
Our story wasn't meant for two
Not a shimmer, not an inlkling, not a gleam
Of sadness in your eye
As I slowly walk away
Breaking the tie
That held us day by day
Unwinding endlessly
The knots come undone
Completely, utterly, helplessly
Fading in the sun
Our love used to be bright
Magnificently colorful and wild
It's turned dim, no light
Unbearably mild
Maybe I'll miss you
When I feel that imprint you left on me
But now were through
And I am free

The worlds hazy hue
Beneath my purple tinted shades
Thinking of you
Makes me want to give up the blades
My lipstick stained cigarette
Between my lips
You let
Me put my hands on your hips
Steal the cigarette with a kiss
Inhale the smoke
Little miss
I've got half a pack cause I'm too broke
To buy anymore
I'd give my last to you
Rob the convenience store
If you wanted me to
Bite marks on your collar bone
The scent of your skin
Smells like home
Pop a pill out of the little tin
Kiss me gently
Push it in my mouth
In the back of your Bentley
While we travel down south

Found another victim but no one's gonna find Miss Jackson
Do you get a little thrill out of breaking hearts?
Using the pieces to create your sinful work of art.
Out the back door, *******, but I love her anyway.
Try to wrap the world around your finger with your magic
But your crown's falling and you look quite tragic
You put a sour little flavor in my mouth now*
You need someone to lift you back up
But ones who once loved you are now fed up
*Back away from the water, babe, you might drown

Every poem I write is about you
Every thought is laced with images of your eyes
And how they crinkled a little when you smiled
Every breath I take is labored because my lungs fill with memories instead of air and it becomes harder to breathe
Every sleepless night I spend thinking of your voice and how it sounded when the syllables you spoke formed my name
And every dream I dream is a fantasy of us that never came true because you left without notice
And now I'm stuck here trying to figure out how to stop my world from revolving around you.

I don't know where I am anymore. And I don't know what to do. I don't know why it hurts. And I don't know why I love you. My heart has been twisted. My world turned around. I'm sick from the sudden changes. And I can't seem to put my feet on the ground. I think I'm having withdrawals. Or maybe I'm sick of the pain you bring. It may seem pathetic that I can't let go. But I can't deny how you made my heart sing. Maybe it sounds like a sad fairy tale for a reason. The stroke of midnight took you away. You disappeared without a trace. I never got to speak the words I craved to say. Maybe falling down the rabbit hole is my only way out. Maybe, just maybe, the deeper I fall... Your memories won't haunt me. No pain left at all. So I'll let myself drift. Through the confusion and wonder. When I find the ground there may be hope. Hope to break this sick spell I'm under.

I don't know what it is about late nights and seasons of love and why they make me miss you more than I already do. Something about thinking of all those plans we had and the fact that I'm living them without you. Something about the scent of your skin mingling with my perfumed wrists. Something about the way I'd argue that I wasn't beautiful but you'd just continue to insist. Something about all those I love you's I held back in fear of rejection. Something about the fact that all along you needed my protection. Something about these memories and feelings I just don't understand. Everything was so much clearer when I was holding your hand.

One.
Two.
Three.
Little pills.
Washed down.
With ***** in coke.
One.
Two.
Three.
Little pills.
To drown.
The thoughts you provoke.
One.
Two.
Three.
Little pills.
To shred.
The memories left in my head.

We fight fire with fire
Only to create more flame
Tempers rise higher and higher
Who's really to blame?
Our fights you see,
They cause more harm.
But anger comes so naturally
Rage paired with a fiery arm
The bombs ignite
The people flee
Smoke blurring their sight
A desolate land as far as the eye can see
Innocent families lie dead in their grave
America's fee
For fighting the home of the brave.
Back and forth the cycle goes on
Continuous fire and war
No one will admit they're wrong
What happened to the peace before?
Who sent it to hell
To live with all the fire
That never worked too well
Bring it back up above
To calm all the hate
To spread the love
To negotiate.
No blood
No flame
No flood
It's tame
Peace as far as the eye can see
One day we'll look back and say
Can you remember that day
That we fought so recklessly?

It's terrifying to watch her chest rise and fall
It's like she's not taking in any air at all
She lives and breathes like it doesn't matter if she dies
And behind her smiles and reassurance, there's sorrow in her eyes
She says she's fine and sometimes I think she might be
But if you look at  her closely, a broken girl is all you'll see
Her eyes are green and I think it suits her in a morbid way
Because her eyes are filled with envy when they watch other's happy smiles every day
When she tells me that it doesn't hurt anymore, I can see her hands shake
And when she falls into a dreamless sleep, I can hear her heart break
She walks through the streets with her head held high
But I think she just likes imagining being somewhere over the rainbow, past the grey sky
She's barely held together and fragile as can be
And the hardest part of it all is that she is me.

I've lost so many people
Through death
Through betrayal
Through the natural course of life
So darling, don't be upset
That I'm okay with losing you too
It's par for the course
Something I've grown accustomed to
Don't expect my heart to shatter
You can't break something that's not there
I'm made to walk alone
And I'm okay with that
If you'd like to walk alone
By my side
Then be my guest
But it won't make me
Or break me
If I have to go solo
Because I can live happily
With or without you

Someone asked me about you today. So I had to play through the story again. And it's still just as painful as the first time. So I fished out from the very back of a drawer, that bracelet you bought me. It hadn't been touched for months yet it glittered despite it's collecting dust. Kind of like how my heart swells when I hear your name, but my mind always reminds me that you left and I shove the part of my heart that still loves you farther back to continue collecting dust until someone brings you up again. But beneath that dust laced with pain and bittersweet memories, that part of my heart still shines for you. Just like that bracelet.

You came into my life
Like dandelion fluff in the breeze
Sweet, soft, magestic
You floated in with ease
Fresh snowfall
On a crisp winter night
The thought of you
Keeps me warm and alright
You placed your heart
Within my gentle hands
Your love flutters in the air
And in my battered soul it lands
And through my tired eyes
I can truly see
Right through your disguise
You're broken
Just like me
But together we can fix each other
Together we can see
The light that burns
In both of our torn up hearts
With fire and ice
We create the ultimate work of art

I live by the light of the moon
Dancing underneath the castles in the sky
The night's beauty makes me swoon
And I fell for her mid July
The call of day comes in with the tide
I run from daylight's kiss
In caverns I hide
Because I only live in darkness
When the sun shines bright I can't see
Through squinted eyes
There's no beauty around me
But through the lunar skies
Love reigns supreme
The dark and I together
We make quite a team

I fiddle with my phone, aggressively clicking shuffle - trying to find that perfect "f*ck you" song. I say I'm not bitter, and that I'm not hurt, but my breathing is ragged and my chest heaves but you're only paying attention to the stone cold expression on my face - so you don't notice the signs. I'll do all I can so that you never know how much damage that one small thing caused me. How one tiny shard of the glass that slipped from your tongue shredded me to pieces. I'll keep you in the dark and tell you I'm fine with more bite in my voice than intended. And I'll pray you didn't notice that my wall cracked for a second. And that you didn't see the broken girl hiding behind it.

Eyes.
Colored orbs
Made for sight.
Mine.
Only see your beauty
In the moon light.
Windows
To the soul
They say.
Mine.
Have a tendency
Of turning away.
Closed.
You'll fall into
A deep sleep.
Eyes.
Yours live
In the dreams I keep.

I'll think about you constantly now.. Regardless how "over you" I was. I miss the way you checked on me after I let you know I was broken. I never let you see how much I smiled when you'd go out of your way to say a few sweet words to me.
I regret never telling you just how much you meant to me, and how I was excited to go to some place I hated so deeply cause I got to see your blue eyes glance my way... even for just a moment. I wonder if you noticed  just how nervous I was when you walked my way. Everytime I tried to speak you you, I stumbled over what to say. You gave me a few near heart attacks when you'd appear out of nowhere right behind me. Just seeing you made my heart race, but when you popped out of nowhere it nearly raced out of my chest. I'm sorry I made our conversations so short. I was so sure I'd say something dumb. You deserved to hear the sweetest words and how much I cared. I regret not just swallowing my fear and running to the beat of my racing heart straight up to you and telling you how beautiful you looked. One day, years, months, maybe days from now I'll come back and say hello, and maybe our hello will turn into small talk.. And maybe our small talk will turn into meeting up for coffee and maybe coffee will turn into our third date, but until then I'll just say these few things that you'll never see.

Soft melodies
Float through my memories
Your image dances and sways
Through my head it plays
Breaks through my internal storm
Turns an icy cold, fiery and warm
The bells I hear
Bring you near
I yearn to always remember
The warmth in my veins, like an ember
The closer you get to me
The more beautiful the melody
Sparks ignite
A blinding light
Darkness fades into the moon
A promise assures you'll be here soon
I feel you now in this instance
Our love carries us through the distance
My soul contentedly entwines with yours
All I can hear is love's soft roars
Brought together clandestinely
To become one is our destiny.

There's a world in your eyes
Such a lonely place
With silvery skies
A kingdom of misery
Adorned with golden lies
Floating on an inky black sea
White nothingness
Surrounds this place
Beneath the lashes
On your face

I love you.
I'm hurt.
I'm broken.
You stitch it.
That rip.
I love you.
It hurts.
You love it.
Your sick masterpiece.
What you've done.
To my heart.
I love you.
I'm done.
I'll let someone else do the job.
You just couldn't do.
I love you.
Goodbye.
I left a trail of tears.
Don't follow them, dear.
They'll lead back to me.
Someone else stitching my heart.
But unlike you.
They wont tear it apart.

I cannot forget you. I think... No, I know, fate sent you to me. I love you. The way you've never left my head since the moment we met - over three years ago, proves that. I ache from the way I miss you. Your image has seared itself into my mind and your face forever haunts my every thought. Every waking moment and every moment I'm asleep, I think of you. I cannot escape the sound of your voice and I'm afraid I don't want to. I don't even know if you feel any sort of reciprocation of these feelings but god, I hope you do. Or I hope that you will. You told me you loved me before and I don't even care if you love me now. I was a child when you knew me. I can only hope to know you again, as an adult now. Not so young and naive. Older and wiser and still hopelessly in love with you. And although you've gone from me now I still pray, hope, wish that fate will bring you back. They say if you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't it was never yours to begin with. So I hand this to fate and hope that something will bring you back to me.

I can feel you.
The absence of you.
I feel that hole you left.

I disappear on purpose. Cause I don't want to exist. I phase slowly in and out of existence. Waiting for someone to notice. To try and reel me back in. But it never happens. I'm tired of the excuses. "You're an artist.. You're supposed to be sad and complicated." "You're young.." I may be all those things but I shouldn't feel like this. Numb isn't natural. I shouldn't be so numb.

I don't like today's music
I think it's all the same
Everyone's being a follower
To have a shot at fame
I dress a little differently
Than most kids in my generation  
I like to look classy
I don't share the same grunge infatuation
I don't read Seventeen
Or Teen Vogue for that matter
Because honestly I don't care
What celebrity is getting fatter
I listen to show tunes
And practice my singing voice
Cause my mom taught me early on
That I have a choice
You can be whatever you want
And whoever you want, too
Don't let societies regulations
Try and define you
Be different, unique
Be your own work of art
Your decisions shouldn't be based on popularity
They should come from your heart.

Take another sip
Burning elixir
Careful, don't tip
Over and fall
On the floor
In front of them all
Force the laugh
Take another shot
Only half
The bottle is gone
Play a little game
With yourself
Becoming less tame
Morals tucked away on the shelf
Anything to make you feel alive
Something you've not truly felt
Since you were five
That was the year
You realized
With a single tear
You're not like the rest
You're dead inside
This part of you
You have to hide
Drags you down
Each and every day
The higher you get
The higher the price to pay
It's expensive to feel alive
But you take that plunge
You take that dive
Anything to mask the pain
To make it easier to return
Home again.

These pills don't work
My face is a mess
I'm just a tragedy
In a dress
**** the lies
I'm always told
I don't know if I can wait
Til I'm old
I want to die now
There's no use for me
I'm just a pointless little
Tragedy

If you won't be here for me in life
Don't come around when I'm dead
You could have saved me
From myself and my sins
Could have protected me from this world I live in
But instead you're off living it up
While I lie here drowning in my cup
Filled with god knows what
But I don't care
Cause it's numbing my brain
Easing my pain
That you've so carelessly caused
And now you say you wish you could pause
And rewind
Back to the time
When I was alive and well
Little did you know, I was already in my own hell
That you could have saved me from
If you had just cared
Just a bit for me
But now I lie here cold and blue
And you
You're crying over my lifeless shell
Because you didn't believe me when I said
I was in my own personal hell
You let me die
You know you did
And now this guilt has a hold of you
And you're in your own personal hell too

I hate waking up before four pm because the day goes by so slow when you haven't slept most of it away. I remember when I was happy I couldn't find enough hours in the day but now there are just too many. I used to be upset at how fast my life flew by but lately I just want the day to be over with as soon as it starts. And I know I'll regret that someday but right at this moment  it hurts too much to care. There are so many things said about time and how you should never waste it... But I think I am a waste of time so what's the point anyway?

Don't put on your red light
Baby there's no need tonight
Your love's for sale
So you feel like you can't fail
But honey this isn't what you need
Don't make me beg, don't make me plead
You're an angel among monsters
Your nights run together in a blur
Don't do this to yourself anymore
Just walk away and close that door

People like my face bare.
I don't know if it confirms that I'm human.
Or makes you realize I'm even farther from being
Human than you originally thought
They tell me I'm beautiful even without my
Armor made of mascara and lipstick
And I've been trained to accept compliments
Graciously and without defiance
So I do, but I know that my armor
Is still all you see
My skin that I cannot shed is still armor
That protects the most beautiful
And the most hideous part of me
So until you can look into my soul
And confirm I'm still as beautiful as you say
I'll never believe you when you tell me
Just how beautiful I am.

I feel like we use our body for the wrong things. We see the ugliness of the world, speak negativity, hear the negativity that others speak and feel sad because of it and it becomes a vicious cycle. I think if we used our eyes to see the beauty in everything and everyone, used our mouths to speak only positive messages, used our ears to listen to others and their positivity, and felt as much happiness as we possibly could, maybe the world would be a better place.

I always fall in love with the wrong person.
In the most ridiculous scenarios.
My heart just decides to fall.
And it falls for someone so wrong.
And so impossible.
That it's almost comical.
Almost.
It always hurts.
And I try to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
But, God, it just ******* hurts too much.

I have a case of the Mean Reds, it seems.
I'm not sure of what, but I am deeply scared.
Maybe I'm scared that my future might not align with my dreams.
Or perhaps I'm too busy doubting myself and wondering if you ever cared.
Possibly fretting over whether love is meant to be.
If my heart will be broken more than the times it's mended.
Petrified of what the universe plans for me.
Deeply unsure of why a myriad of beautiful things in my life have ended.
Worrying over whether I am good enough.
How will I achieve what I so desperately desire?
What if I can't make it when the times get rough?
So many frightening questions that I despise to even inquire.
I've got the mean reds and I'm just not sure.
What is it I'm so scared of?
And is there a cure?

Light it.
Inhale.
Cough it.
Exhale.
I do it.
To ease.
The pain it.
Hurts to breathe.

You tied me to the end of a red ribbon. You're happily pulling me along behind. I'm being pulled through the dirt and scraping and bruising myself on the ground. But when I cry, you don't even turn around. I have no scissors to cut myself free. So you run along, dragging me. I'm stuck to the end of your red ribbon. Don't forget that as you string me along. I'm a human with feelings and I'm bruised and battered and hurt. I've begged to be let free but it's like you can't even hear me. How long will you string me along?

I can't be your doormat anymore. I'm sorry. Truly, I am. I want you to be happy. And it seems walking on me makes you that way. But I have to take care of myself now. And taking care of me means you're not welcome here anymore. Don't come to me when you're sad. You used up all the chances you had.

You're the top
You're my summer breeze
You're my darling, if you please
And baby if I'm the bottom,
You're the top
You're my tap shoes
You cure my blues
And baby if I'm the bottom,
You're the top
You're romance
You put me in a trance
And baby if I'm the bottom,
You're the top

I'm writing this for your heart of steel
I hope to be eloquent enough
I want it to make you feel
These words that pour
From the back of my mind
Are like downtown girls
That don't mix with your uptown kind
I'll figure out how to tell you
That you remind me of a star
That burning light that you can almost reach
But it's a bit too far
I'll tell you in a way
That you just can't resist
And if it doesn't work
I'll just persist
Your eyes like the emerald city
Wild, fierce, and unknown
Your voice peals like bells
Such a magnificent tone
How do I convey to you
How fast my heart pumps
I catch a brief glimpse of you
And it automatically jumps
You leave me intoxicated
Breathless to say the least
My eyes are hungry
And on you they feast
To describe your elegance
Would be to describe a color that's not seen
All my life
Where has someone this perfect been
Four years seems so short
In the grand scheme of it all
It took so little time
For me to fall

There's all this pain trapped inside me
I don't know how to get it out
So I cry in hopes of drowning it
But this pain swims along
So I cut my skin hoping to bleed it out
But it just seals up the wound
So I scream
But no noise comes out
So I cry for help
But the pain puts its hand over my mouth
So I lay in silence
And I let it drown me
And cut me open
And scream at me
And hold me down

Love
Four letters
One syllable
No meaning.

I could say I miss you
But that'd be an understatement
Not a second goes by that you're not on my mind
I wish and hope and pray that I run into you
Just to see you once more
To watch your hair fall into your face
To fight the urge to tuck it back behind your ear
Because I fear getting too close to you
I imagine it a lot
Seeing you standing in front of me
How it would happen
Where we would be
And what would be said
If I'd be able to look you in the eye
And forget how much you hurt me
Without even knowing you did
If I'd just run away
Or if I'd have the courage to speak
What would I say
Would I ask you how you've been
Or tell you that I crave you when I'm alone
Will I ever get the chance to know?

Sure I adore you. I always have. You're handsome and sweet. And always seemed to understand me. But I've never liked the way girls throw themselves at you. Or the way you always got what you wanted. But you liked that about me. The way I never gave you what you asked for. And that I never threw myself at you. You told me it was endearing. And that you respected me. And I respected you too. And I was honest with you. I told you I enjoyed the company of other girls more than I enjoyed the company of men. And you told me that didn't matter and that you liked me all the same. I told you I got scared and that I didn't know if I could go on. And you told me you cared for me and that I could tell you anything. So I told you the offer extends both ways. And then you graduated and I moved away and even though I don't see you anymore I still think of you sometimes. The boy who made me smile in a dark time. The boy I actually truly loved. Not necessarily in a romantic way. But in a way that I knew that you were meant to be in my life for a while. And I'm happy you were.