Focusing on me
for the first time
of my life

Slowly suffocating in ink
Thinking this will somehow make
living life any easier

Thinking and thinking
And eating and eating
Cake at 2 o’clock in the morning
Trying to forget

Cloud over my head
Pouring out blood,
sweat and tears
from the days of
Helping you survive

Head held up high
in desperation
Praying and praying
that I don’t drown

Slowly suffocating
And restricting any other love
for my mind, body and soul
Putting you first was the
Utmost worse decision I have
ever made in my life.

Because years later
I’m still drowning in my own sorrows
from back in those days
When I loved you.

I lost a friend
In the land of broken dreams
We can’t lie
And say we didn’t try

But today I stride in alone
To the land of the forgotten
Hoping to make it out alive
In one piece, to the other side

It may take an hour or year
but we have one last chance
To mend our souls  
And lives
And our GCSEs

But if we fail
Then we failed together
We may not be friends
But we gave it ago
And I regret nothing

I had fun.
I enjoyed the hidden pain
All the laughs and jokes
And the nasty remarks.
We were different
And that’s what made it special
We were special
And no one can change that

Till next time,
Good bye my ‘good friend’
I’ll see you in English and science
And lunch and break.
Because we can’t be avoided.

Yesterday we stood together and
Today I  stand alone
Onto my next journey
I turn back to the past before stepping to the future
While you watch me from the distance
Wondering where did it all go wrong,

For every human you encounter
Comes a new start. A first impression                          
And an experience for the both of you.
Where both of you are given the crucial option:
To be truthful or to lie and mask the flaws
every other living soul has hidden too.
Jealousy, treachery and deceit.
Just to name a few.

Three days ago, I found out the truth
I didn’t think you had them too.
Manipulation, deception and betrayal
were the last words I thought about
when with you.


And all I can really say is thank you.
As of today I’m finally free.
Released of the false ideal
that my worth was
ever predicated on
Your ability to see it.
Feel it.
Know it.
Or understand it.

Thank you, for letting me see life in a new way.
Because now, Manipulation, deception and betrayal
Is all I think of you.

Sometimes I just forget
You love to play Chinese whispers

The next few hours  can determine
ones chance of survival.
Of stability in their lives as an adult.


Good luck in your GCSEs my dear friends! It’s not your fault exams got cancelled.

Trying to forget who had wronged you in the past...

You said you loved me
and I believed you
You said we can talk
Then took no notice of me.
You said you cared
I was convinced.

And I thought I could treat your pain
But it turned out to just be attention
and depravity
and manipulation
and deceit

Maybe I’m just naïve,
Because I trusted you.

I wish

I wish I could
turn off the thoughts
swarming through my head
that is full of fears  
before it turns to tears

It's like I am locked in a cage
It's a feeling I can't seem to gage
I have more pain then I can take
I'm nervous about everything
I don't know why, I just am and
no-one seems to understand
I'm broken beyond repair

I'm not living,I'm waiting
but I have no idea what it is
I'm waiting for. I'm scared
for what it might be

I won't be able to battle it
I'm losing,sinking,fleeing
Terrified, terrorized  and paralyzed
Panic won't **** me
I wish it could

I never had an  option  
I let people do as they pleased,
acted as if nothing affects me
And it didn’t.
Nothing they could say could make me
Any sadder or depressed as I have been in the past.
This wasn’t the case for you.

After all this time of trying
so ******* hard to protect you
from the lies and abuse,
you do the same to me
when you know exactly how that felt.
It was draining you for months and months and months.

And then you go back to her
Saying that your friends again
“it wasn’t her fault, it was mine”
When will you understand that
repeating the phrase doesn’t make it  true?
You’re tangling yourself in a web

It should never have been my job
To make sure you survive
But without me you were suffocating
And I had no choice
Now that I’m gone, who will save you
We all know it won’t be yourself

Take this mason jar and rose
Think about this instead of your foes
Remember now, it was not you he chose
Surprising, how your rants seem to flow
But there’s no point
Just watch the rose grow

Remember when you told me
even the darkest rose
can be found in heaven
Well, today I hold this rose
Just staring at each unique fold
Wondering if this is the day I
let it go
Instead I watch it grow.

You were always
Someone to live for

And now you’re gone....
And now I’m alone....


And now,
I have something to die for.








Why does everyone leave me?

I have figured it out
The question that had been bugging me
All reasons I loved you

Number One
Well, because I hated myself

Number Two
I really hated myself  

And then you ask:

Do I still love you?
And for once I have an answer
Well, I now love myself

What do you think?

What is it that makes me me?

Am I;
The angry girl?
Or the depressed?
The dyslexic
Or the gay?
The kind,
Or ******?
The manipulative,
Or the naive?

What is it that makes me me?

Tough question,
I change a lot.
I’m all of the above
And none of the above

Who am I?

I’m inconsistent,
And a pain
And a good friend

I’m happy.
No one in my life
To destroy what I have built

I’m happy.
Living in the midst
Of a deadly pandemic

I’m happy,
knowing I’m no longer
with you

The first person to find out
The first person I was scared of
The first person I had ever loved

The first person to have ever
break my heart



Dear friend, my first true love,  
You will always be in my heart.
I could never forget you. No matter how hard I tried.

I wanted to see the neighbourhood for the last time.
To experience life before it all slips away from my hands
But it was all the same as usual;
People driving to work, all stressed and tired,
Shattered bottles of Budweiser from the week prior,
The ***** pond in the park, with plastic bottles floating like a ship
Etcetra, etcetra...

Until I see it.
The most magnificent thing you’ll ever see.

A single lotus calmly floating on the surface,
And seemingly, without a care for the world.
With the roots  reaching down to the soil where no-one can see
So no-one notices,
no-one ever seems to see the thin thread she’s hanging on.
Because their used to her float.
Being graceful and content.
Preventing not even the trash
To bring her down.

But you control him
I watch and I stare and you continue
No matter how hard I tried
You always find a way to hurt the people I love and cherish the most
You preyed on the vulnerable
And didn’t think to stop.

You did say he was  gullible  
And so you dragged him around like a living puppet
You could feed him to lions
and he wouldn’t mind

But I do. Stop it.
Why do you feel the need
to use him?