She’s beautiful,
A fallen angel, you see.
Not because she believes in god-she doesn’t.
But because she’s saved me.

Time and time and time again,
My parachute when I’ve leaped off the edge.
The current of wind to return me to sanity,
The words of wisdom that heal my insanity.

She loves to scare people,
With her interests in Wicca and Satanism,
She’ll kick you if you dare
Mess with her or someone she adores

She acts like she has no heart,
Like she doesn’t give a ****.

And why shouldn’t she?
When they all end up using it against her.

The way she lines her eyes - her devils disguise.
The way her hair is a mad mess of frizz.
The way she cries for the guys on the US show
It is
The most amazing
Thing to
Watch.


She is so ******* beautiful,
Like a fallen angel

She doesn’t  need her wings.

Is my body an issue?
Is it impossible to be loved the way I am?
With these voluminous waves
of body “for days”
Am I unlovable or is that absurd?

Is my personality an issue?
Is it too hard to love me as I am?
With this overachieving persona,
Am I just a effervescent loner?
Am I unlovable or is that ridiculous?

Is my face an issue?
Is it just too much effort to love me?
With these battle scars of adolescence,
Painted with the wrong message,
Am I unlovable or is that just pathetic?

I...kinda really like you,
I know that I shouldn’t.
You’re not into me,
it’s plain to see
We wouldn’t
Make such a great couple.
We’d constantly bicker and fight
But even still
You know I will
Hold your hands all through the night.
I...kinda really love you,
I have since that very day
I buried it down,
And never made sound,
So that our friendship remained the same.

But what am I to do,
When you hold me like this
With your hand so gently teasing mine.



It feels too serious

Do you feel the same?

I hesitate to hold your hand properly

In case you’re truly leading me on.

Do you feel the same?

"I'm sorry"

I cannot bear to see you like this
Keeled over, clutching at your heart
Like you feel broken inside

"I didn't mean it"

You say that, and yet I know
You long to hurt me, for unknown reasons.
You cannot bear to face the consequences.

"I want you to be happy"

And yet you do not account for your actions truly
You yearn to destroy me, to make me feel the way you do.
I yearn to make you happy.

"I won't do it again"

I cannot bear to see you like this again
Regardless of your inadequate sincerity
Despite your lack of legitimate care.

I want to make you happy
Despite your deliberate destruction of my dignity.

She doesn't like to talk much when we're together. She's too busy thinking of him while I'm stroking her head, thinking of her. She twists and she turns, contorts herself into something desirable, because she doesn't believe for a second that she's already something desirable. At least, not to someone she loves. She paints her face, not to enhance the existing masterpiece, but to create a new one altogether. 'the muse,' she says smiling at me through the mirror, covered in self loathing and insecurity 'i have to look good for him, like me, but not me' she folds her luscious locs into waves of pity and hurt and she covers her scars and body with too tight tshirts and scarily short shorts, which is different from her usual "hipster ******" look. She loves baggy clothes. He prefers no clothes. I love her the way she is. I beg her not to change who she is, which is only ever met by anger and resentment. She thinks I love him too, that I want to ruin their chance to be together. I want to tell her she's beautiful, that she reminds me of the sunrise at 6am in summer, when the air is warm and dewy and when just a sliver of sunlight brightens your whole day. Because she is my sun, my moon, my whole universe. She is the centre and I can only gravitate around her in awe. These are the things I want to tell her, but she'd never speak to me again. She doesn't like to talk much when we're together. She's too busy thinking of him.

"Fix me"
There's nothing to fix, my darling.
"I am broken"
Yet it makes you all the more beautiful.
"Help me"
Let me carry you through your struggles.
"Save me"
I would die before I let you come to harm, my love.

a striking slice along the creamy white
freckle galaxy that is my thighs

is this what i've become?

a dab of crimson, slow pour at first
then a scarlet waterfall, perfect picture of my pain.

why did i do this

throbbing pain, dulling my senses
my mind is numb, almost at ease.

it hurts, i knew it would

gently easing cotton over wound,
bittersweet burgundy blood, feeding into pristine purity

what have i done

You could cut me open
I wouldn't give a ****
I'd do it over again to you
And then I'd hold your hands

We clash, we fight,
we misunderstand
You make me want to ****
that boy in my band

for hurting you so
when he held your hand
at least he's not coming to
the party we're to plan

to celebrate eachother,
the life that we've spanned.
Sometimes I see you
and I just can't stand

to even be near you
because you're a strand
of sunlight at least
little bit of heaven here on land

It's too much for me
too much to withstand
that sassy little face
serving verbal backhands

to anyone who crosses you,
and you're high in demand
but that doesn't matter cause
you're my best frand <3

I know, it's in my head.

I know that,


I know that I create my own problems, and  backing pills won't solve them.

I know that the bitter tang of alcohol won't dull them anymore.

I know that.


I know that screaming and sobbing and shaking will not be taken to be the cry for help that they are.

They will only scare people away.

I know that hurting myself and eating everything in sight is a control struggle, and I need to learn to control it.

I know that.


I know that my depression is just a regression of my anxiety, and that saying things like

Well I'm going to go hang myself now haha and God I hate myself haha and just shoot me now haha

are not really funny

because they ring of truth

i know that

'Memories,' she whispered
into her dark hotel room,
lit up only by the street lights
and cars passing by outside.
'Memories only hurt and hinder,
but to see your face...'


'I'd relive all those memories again'

Here lies a blank canvas
On which you swipe harsh bright hues
and soft vivid tones
Of your thoughts, feelings, emotions

A flicker of paint across your cheek,
A smile as preposterous as your creation
Your brush swinging back and forth
Colours exploding everywhere

Colours imploding in my chest
Beating hard, reminds me; I'm alive.
A dash, a stroke, dabbling in my head
Swift touches of you,
A blank canvas no more.

I lay myself down
pills in my hand
time ticking, echoing, reverberating
through my head

this thought i cannot shake
no matter how hard i try
the need for it to end
the want for me to try

but somehow i always manage
to talk myself down
I'll walk back from the station
bare feet bleeding from the ground

Occasionally I'll wish so hard
for something tragic to just strike
like a car tumbling over me
to rid me of my misery

and yet i have this very tradition
every couple of nights
where i lay down with my oxycodone
in bed and i just cry

I don't think I'm depressed
I know its not my anxiety
Anxiety is just a word to me
And depression is but a sound.

I continually ask a question
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
and though i ask my councellors
I've never received a straight reply.




So why?

Why do i always want it to just end?


Surely I don't hate myself that much

I can no longer write


            my pen only drips with anger

My heart bleeds colours
but not the way you'd think
it drips

R
       A
                I
                        N
                    ­             B
                                       O
                                              W
               ­                                        S

through my veins
a
CACOPHANY
a
SYMPHONY
a
disdainful loss of my dignity.






Yes, my heart bleeds colours
I can no longer wear it on my sleeve
for all to see
the dazzling display that leaks



For such a heart as mine,
that appears so vividly black
I find it quite amusing,
for there certainly is a lack of

FEELING
and
EMOTION
coursing through my veins

and yet when it bleeds
THE COLOURS FLOW AGAIN

I've blue and yellow, mix to make green
Pink and purple
make the circle,
a full rainbow it would seem

Oh my heart bleeds colours
I am now no longer clean
for all my colours have started
seeping out my seams.

I really thought it was different this time,
That you'd let it just be between us.
I know I should've known better than that,
You always did like to cause a fuss.

I'm not mad, I promise
But it hurts like ******* hell
When we parted in such an amicable way
With me thinking that things were swell.

But you see, my day has been a bit ****,
Filled with whispers and withering stares.
And then, from the boy you supposedly hate,
I was the receiver of a deadly glare.

Trying to make banter, I joke around
"Well what have I done this time?"
And then to find out that I'm the talk of your friends
For commiting the worst kind of crime.

You see, I am evil, I truly am
To have fought with you at all
And the blame isn't on you no no no
I am the one with the faults

I am not mad at you,
Because I refuse to be
I don't want  a repeat of last time
But this is going to be the death of me.

I cannot go on being treated like this,
So either deal with it,
Or I'll deal with it myself
Because this is it

This is the last time.

Midsummer air, without a care
Dressed up to dance all night.

Strangers abound and one with a frown
That I longed to turn upright

"Let's dance and play pool, I'll look like a fool
But right now I really don't care"

He laughed and grinned, a true cardinal sin
And popped his fedora atop my hair.

After awhile, having seen his smile,
I began to really drink.

After not very long I was well and truly gone
And ran upstairs to the sink

Said to him hey, let's not call it a day
I've some tequila upstairs, I think.

After rummaging round, I tumbled down
The stairs and round the corner.

He took one sip, and upon his lip
Lay a smirk, "this is really great water"

I feel all too deeply.
I care far too much.
I want to make you happy.
I know that's not what you need.
I know that's not what you want.
I can't help feeling this way.
I want to be the hero again.
I want to save you from yourself.
I want to save you from them.
I want you to treat me with reverence.
I know how selfish that is.
I want to save you, to save me.

I am over you
I am so very over you
I am required to be over you thus I am over you

Perchance I wasn't...over you...
how could all three of us continue being friends?
It's like a bad case of deja vu, but this time
it came back with a vengeance.

help
help
help

My heart still skips when I see you, is that okay?
I still get nervous and choked up talking to you, is that normal?
Sometimes it's too much, I ignore you completely...how about that?

But I am over you.
Completely
And
Utterly
Over
You


and your stormy eyes

F**k

~

(let me)        in
I write to feel sane

How may I assist you today?
Press one to stab me in the back,
Hang my head like a trophy
Up on your hunters rack

Press two to put me in personal hell
Go for all my friends but me
And somehow manage to
keep me under your spell

Press three just for fun
Say you're there for me then run.
pressing four is a doozy
break my heart while I'm woozy.

Press five if you're late
to simply make my heart ache
press six for the best
Ditch me for the rest.

Press seven for more options
Like you haven't enough already
Just don't forget I'm on the line, keeping count
And so far, your tally's going steady.

Hickory Dickory Dock
the mouse ran round the clock

or did it?

Did the mouse run round the clock or is that what it wanted you to believe?
That a mouse ran around the timepiece indeed.
Creating this grand illusion upon which you praise it with a song.
Hoping for once you wouldn't think wrong.
So for once it thought it just wouldn't try,
And instead came up with the masterful lie.
And pulled it off like a criminal scheme.
And now rests forever in an eternal ticking theme.
But what if, instead, it was all for you?
The mouse was just shielding you from the truth.
So you wouldn't see that time was ticking away
in a endlessly constant, rapid pace.
Would you really care if that was all a lie?
After all, it was only in your mind.

Tender fingers trace my heart
and look at me with smiles

Tender fingers shape my art,
they make it worth the while

Tender fingers break me down
with gentle, crushing swipes

Tender fingers make me numb
and colour me different stripes

Tender fingers hurt me so,
though they have the best intentions

Tender fingers build me up
and the rest is not to mention

that tender fingers are no good
without their train of thought

for tender fingers misunderstood
their needs with what I want.

Play me a tune
on that awful thing please
I don't care what it is,
just make me at ease

Flutter and swipe
your hand to the right
to hit those high notes
that are harder than most

Tap your foot lightly
to the beat and the sound
Swaying your head
as you look to the ground

How can you smile,
and yet be so serious?
How can a harmonica
Make me so deliriously

Happy
yet
sad

because this is a memory
And you're far away now


Gone, gone, gone.






So play me a tune now
on that awful thing, please
and as you hit that last flat note,
Watch me fall to my knees.

Hey.

I love you.

I love the way your skin wraps your frame, your clothes the bow on top.

It makes me a little insecure, but I love it.

I love the way your silky smooth hair falls, swishing below your waist, like Rapunzel.

It makes me a little jealous, but I love it.

I love the way you stare at me, like you know everything about me, like I'm completely transparent.

It makes me a little uneasy, but I love it.

I love the way you write songs to me, snatched out of thin air on your six string, right in front of me.

It makes me feel a little deceitful, but I love it.

I love the way you move so fast from person to person, how you can just touch and go.

It makes me a little depressed, but I love it

I love everything about you

And I wish you didn't leave like them

I thought you were a little different.
And I loved it

I wanted to talk to you today
It was sad and funny
I already miss you
and I know you'll read this

I walked into a rose bush,
And now I have scars that match you on my leg and arm
It just reminded me
That I really do miss you.

Maybe you're relieved in a sense, like I am
That we're not lying to each other anymore
And despite the many, many flaws of our friendship
I hope you do miss me.

I got some bad news the other day,
I saw a meme too
And I almost, almost slipped up
Because I so very much miss you

But please, remember like I am trying to
Space is what we need
Low expectations, easy to manage
Even if I miss you

If you need me, I'm here
I'm so not used to having to say that to you
But I need you to understand
You don't have to miss me,

'Cos I'll already be there for you.

I am angry.
So beware of dog today
She's a real *****

I am angry at the planet
For how it rotates
How the seasons change
How the sun goes down
How it can make perfect days end and awful nights last.

I am angry at the people
The idiots
The friends
The family
At how they can say one simple word and it would tear me into a billion miniscule pieces.

I am angry at the cold.
Because it's so godamned cold that I cannot feel my toes
And the heater doesn't work so how
Am I supposed to sleep tonight.
Freezing to death in my 3x3 white wall box.

I am angry at myself
For hurting me all the time
Without a second thought
No care whatsoever
Just self sabotage 24/7



Self destruct initiated
















Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

Every bone in my body aches
Long silenced joints whisper and croak
And my muscles shudder in agony

I should have been resting hours ago
But she's stabbed him in the back yet again
So I will stand here and pick up all his pieces.

I will silently plead to him.
Do not go back to her. Do not go back at all.
I will smother him with "that's terrible, I wish I could fix it all for you"

I will tuck him in to sleep,
And give him the restoration he needs.
In faith. In family. In music. In life

I will feed him far more than he needs
Because all he needs now is comfort
And when he says he's going back
I will tell him that it is his choice.

It is his choice to return to a drunken psychopath

It is his choice to love someone who cannot be saved, simply because they don't want to be.

It is his choice to try to save her.

It is his choice to let her run him over, time and time again.

And I will always be here at the ready,
Warm blanket, coffee, and warm meal
In my hands.

Ready to pick up all his pieces and stick him together like glue

Lets walk down the street
Why’d I lose it again?

You are killing me
Keep calling me your friend

And it hurts, it hurts,
It hurts my dear.
Cause I tried, I tried to
keep you near.

I tried to keep you close

But it all just got away from me
We all lost out to misery
I have to wonder why
It always ends this way

I’ll pass you by on my way to see
And you’ll look at me despondently
Because I, I let you down

And they’ll all say their piece on me
Saying Oh she’s such a drama queen
But I, I never meant to let you down

And it hurts, it hurts,
It hurts my dear.
Cause I tried, I tried to
keep you near

I tried to keep you close

But it all just got away from me
We all lost out to misery
I have to wonder why
It always ends this way

I lost myself somewhere along the way
Trying to be perfect for you
I lost myself somewhere along the way
Trying to be someone new


And it hurts, it hurts
It hurts my dear
Cause I tried I tried to
keep you near

I tried to keep you close

And it hurts, it hurts
It hurts my dear
Cause I tried I tried to
keep you near

I tried to lock you down.

But it all just got away from me
I sealed myself to misery
Trying to be you

-

I sent you a million love letters
Behind painted on smiles

And they all came back

Return to sender

-

Dark dark dark
    Melt my brain away
           I don't want to think
                   I don't even want to

                                                               feel

I want to be numb
   I want to be completely
      Drained of all colour and light
            Let me be empty



I want to be a husk of a human
    The only thing to warm me, a whiskey neat
         I want my blood to run like ice
             And my heart to stop




I want to know how it feels to well and truly
                          hit rock bottom



I want you to stop trying to fix me
     I am broken
         And who the hell cares
                 Just go live your happiness



I'll be here still, strummin my guitar

Can’t you just admit that you’re cold?
Arent we getting a bit old
to play this game, whats the
Aim anymore?
I can’t even tell whats worth fighting for

I walked down the street
A few strange people I so happened to meet
And I just felt so alone
Til your cavalier smile popped up on my phone screen

And we sang and laughed and chatted for a while
You told me just how she made you smile
And oh, what a shame
That I just cannot be there for you again
And oh, what a shame
Somehow she managed to beat me at my game

Late nights and random calls
You tell me that you haven’t missed me at all
Cause you’ve got her now, that’s what I assume
You’re finally together
                                      
                                         (maybe forever)

And break is coming to an end
You’ve already tossed me out like last years fashion trends
And I watched you both while you walked
But you didn’t notice me in our old spot

And you sang and laughed and chatted for a while
I watched from afar cause she makes you smile now
And oh, what a shame
That I just cannot mention your name
And oh, what a shame
Somehow she managed to beat me at my game

Warm under the covers, we’re not meant to be lovers
The warmth under makes me safe

Your arms like towers, this love devours
Every inch of my sanity

If you’re  leaving don’t let me believe in
The good of you and that you’re coming back

Please let me go, break my heart so I’ll know
That you, you’re not coming back

I have learned that without light
All the things that hide inside
Would be gone
Is it wrong
To wanna lurk oh in the dark
To keep this torch without its spark

I grow tired of holding up this great facade
Lets dance around without our masks
And find who we are
Oh when the light turns off and all thats left is the dark

I wanna find equilibrium
I wanna see just who I’ve become
I wish that I could just go halfway
Cant choose between these pathways
It’s made me so numb
I wanna find equilibrium

Confession.
It sounds like a guilty word, doesn't it?
Like if you commit a crime,
or sin against another.

It sounds awful

Confession,
it sounds like a word of betrayal
but I didn't betray her
She has no clue.

And surprisingly,
neither does he.

Confession
It sounds like the words that come
from a pained mans mouth
when he is ready to give up

help me
for I am drowning in your eyes
and you have yet
to offer me a lifeline

-
you know, I think the difference between the two of you is that she doesn't try that hard, but you try way too hard

2am and you're still on this video call
Widening your eyes
Chuckling and smirking
And blushing cause I said her name

Wow, you know I'm just so, so ecstatic that things are working out for you

The conversation swings back and forth
From you to me
From euphoria to melancholy
And I notice you look a little confused

If anything ever goes wrong, you have me to lean on, and my friends. We'll back you.

Well something did go wrong
But it went wrong months ago
When I fell for you
And your dazzling blue eyes

Hey, the friendship has been real but you can't expect me to continue without having everything in the open. I can't handle this, you needed to know.

No reply
No response
Just a little message saying
Read

I'm sorry for ruining everything. I hope she and you work out but I can't be handling this anymore

Not even opened

Should I try again?

My heart lies uncertain with every step

Broken as it may be

It still wants you

-

-
opened 21 minutes ago

I finally said it
I finally told you how I felt
I was okay to be your friend
It didn't matter that you didn't want me
The way it is, no, was, is enough.

read 21 minutes ago

No reply

And it hurts all over again

IT HURTS.

IT HURTS SO MUCH I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

I just wanted you

but I can't make you want me

if you don't want to

Sing me a sweet lullaby
a tune that will reverberate through my head
as you softly whisper goodbye

I now know that dark
balances light, and without
dark, we would be blind

I love you and you know that
But it's time we faced the facts
I'm third best and you know it
You've no hesitation to show that

No matter what I say or do
Or how hard I may try
There's always going to be someone else
Around to make me lie

I'm happy, I'm okay
I really really don't care
Even though part of me is screaming
I just wish you were there

Not just over a message
Or on a phone call
But here in real life
Catching me when I'm about to fall

Maybe I'm overreacting
But at this point I don't care
Because I'm third best
To them, I don't compare.

Stand still
Completely frozen in time
The lights are too bright
You can't flee or fight
Just go with the flow

I need to move
The adrenaline is
pumping through my veins
And I just stand still.

My thoughts control
And hinder my movements
Where I should run
I stand here crying

Just stand still
Eyes glazed over
Perhaps it will
All go away