I am a failure.
A waste of sacred space.
Biological material that would've
been better spent on
something or
someone else.
A failure.
A dissapointment
and I'm used to being such because
the oxygen thats given to me
for free
is no longer wanted.
instead I breathe
anger
and sadness.
and frustration.
I rarely move from my bed.
As i write this all down,
there's an incessant pound
of the thoughts blocking up
my head.
I haven't seen daylight since Saturday.
My mother demands to know if I'm okay
and I'm not
I'm really ******* not.
but this voice in my head whispers
and whispers.
I'm a failure.
A waste of sacred space.
Biological material that would've
been better spent on
something or
someone else.
A failure.
A burden.
these thoughts swim round in my head
that I'm better off dead
or at least they could be happier
if I was.
Then i wouldn't have to make sure
i was smiling every single second
so my friends could spend less time
bothering about me
and more time
being drama queens.
Then I wouldn't be pushed to the point where i was honest
and annoyed them
because who the hell likes to hear about your mentality?
not me.
Id rather spend my days sleeping the sadness away.
because
I'm a failure.
A waste of sacred space.
Biological material that would've
been better spent on
something or
someone else.
A failure.

My best friends dad once sat me down
to gift me with some wisdom
on why day drinkers and lonely slinkers
are filled with such depression.

He told me alcohol doesn't make you
an alcoholic, you see.
It's fine with a friend, as long as it ends
before you're lonely

See when you're alone you think bad things
cause nobody is around
your brain becomes loose due to magic juice
and you wear your thoughts like a crown.

and i barely listened as he talked
just waited till he was finished
it didnt mean much, and it wasn't such
a big deal to me

I never really listened to him,
which is probably why
she calls me a little alcopop

Attempted suicide
knocking on the door
all these messages
I hadn't noticed them before
All these different signs
of a troubled, struggling girl
she was just trying to be perfect
for the whole wide ******* world
and no one gave her a break
no one tried to make it easy
They just picked and picked and picked her apart
till she crumbled far too easily
A girl i had grown up with
known to always give you a smile
a girl much like a sister
Who had walked for miles
just to get my christmas present
because the car broke down
and the shops were gonna close,
she didnt want to let me down
A girl who was so tough
and so mighty, and so brave
a girl who tried so hard
tried so hard not to break
And I'm so godamned angry
that I didn't listen more
I didn't listen to her until
attempted suicide knocked on my door

Attraction is a wonderful thing
Butterflies in a tsunami of stomach acid
Bubbling, rising,
Until you realise
who are you attracting?
And why do they want you?
And how when you have worked so ******* yourself,
Do you still attract
Men of poorer taste.


I thought attraction would be different
With my ever changing body
With my bones that jut out like a perfectly carved statue
But I forgot
No matter where I go
It follows me
And haunts me
Creeping up when I least expect it.
I thought it had left me,
But that voice still whispers
Harsher and harsher truths



"If you were prettier, maybe he would have showered"

"If you were skinnier, maybe you'd attract a good guy"

If you were beautiful


Maybe someone nice



Would be attracted to you

Make me hate you,
make me date you,
make me love you, baby
'till I'm blind

Even though I ******* loathe you,
make me wanna

make you mine

he was heated and excited
so I gave up all the fight
entertained him for the night
then he just fell asleep.

Cahill is irrelevant
but doesn't think he is
Cahill thinks my poetry
is more than *******
Cahill likes to think
that I still like his face
But Cahill is dead wrong
cause Cahill is
I R R E L E V A N T


-

It's a funny thing,
plucking four little strings
stringing together harmonies.
when all your life is but
frantic chaos
you learn to appreciate calm melodies.

Can you see me?
I’m here, standing
Right behind the lovely
Facade you love so much.

I’m screaming, sobbing
Pleading for you to see me,
And yet your gaze falls
Directly on my lying smile.

Why don’t you notice? All the signs are there.
My mask is cracked and open and bare
And I have to wonder if you really don’t care.

I just want you to notice
To find solace in your warm embrace
To find comfort in your words
To feel safe to be myself.

But the mask still stands,
And I sit here in agony
Crumpled, praying
For you to notice

If I opened up right now
to show you all my insides
no weak stomachs, no censors
just who i am
it'd make you *****
just like it makes me
and maybe you could stomach it
but even strong, tough people
can get sick when someone coughs on them
who's to say that my personality isn't contagious
that my thoughts aren't contagious
that I'm not contagious
I should just quarantine myself
so that you don't catch me



there's too much going round already

he likes to have control.
you can have your freedom,
but don't forget,
you'll have to pay the toll

he tells you "Stop"
commands you "Go"
and everything
in between.

he whispers
sweet nothings
and firmly suggests
all the most obscene things

By daytime, sweet as anything
shouting food, making me smile.
By night, he's the devil,
making you work for every mile.

he boosts your confidence
oh so slightly
it's what they all do.
But if he asks you anything,
don't ever tell the truth.

You once asked me if I could ever describe you in four words, what they would be.
I finally figured it out.
"control c, control v"

I crave attention
Like a starving dog
Lost without its owner
I guess.

I crave love
Like a lost romantic
In a sea of tinder and swiping
I suppose.

I crave people
Like a lonely planet
Missing all its own moons
I think.

I don't crave you.
Im not lost without you.
I don't miss you

And I don't care anymore.