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322 · Nov 2016
question - why?
J Nov 2016
why must i feel
everything
so deeply?

why is it so hard to express
those emotions out in the open?
why can't i allow myself to be vulnerable around anyone?

why do i bottle everything up?
320 · Apr 2017
necessity
J Apr 2017
we don't need a fancy house with a state of the art kitchen or a king sized bed.
we don't even need a one-bedroom apartment with a kitchen we can barely fit in.
we could be living out of a van, sleeping at truck stops and eating protein bars and drinking 99-cent cans of arizona iced tea.
as long as we have each other, i will be eternally happy.
317 · Apr 2017
little things - vol. 1
J Apr 2017
it's the little things about you that make me happy like the little indentation on your chin and the stubble on your cheeks that tickles mine each time i kiss you.
it's your hair. the way it's short and smooth on the sides but long and soft on top. it's just long enough for me to run my fingers through but not so long where it gets tangled and coarse.
i want to wake up and feel that under my fingers every single morning and every night before i go to sleep curled up by your side.
it's your eyes. those piercing blue eyes which on some days are bluer than the sky.
it's the tip of your nose. perfectly pointed and shaped as if it was meant for mine to fit next to it when we kiss.    
it's the way you open the car door for me every single time, making sure to kiss me before I sit in your passenger seat.
it's the way you hold my hand. your hands are always warm and mine always cold but when they intertwine the cold disappears. it's a perfect fit.
it's the way you laugh at the most random times and things. it's the laugh that sneaks up on you and catches you off guard to the point where you're doubled over with tears streaming down your face. it's the laugh that warms my heart and soul.
it's the way we can communicate using solely pop culture references. laughing for hours on end about that joke or video you saw online today or last year and having entire conversations using only phrases from vines.
it's the little things about you that stick in my head and make me smile a little bit when we're apart.
it's the little things that make you
you
the you that i fell in love with.
this will definitely be an ongoing series.
308 · Feb 2017
you are the sun
J Feb 2017
you are the sun
you shine in my sky even on the darkest of days
your light radiates through the densest fog
and the worst of storms
your light burns in the best way
warming my skin and my insides
i am blooming
the ivy that holds my throat like a vice is dying and making room for the flowers that are bursting from my ribcage and out of my mouth

you are the sun
305 · Jun 2017
play
J Jun 2017
what do children do?
they play

see
adults do not and oftentimes they are disinterested and annoyed by children at play
their joyous cries and screams and laughter that fill the air around the playground are just annoyances
the real games of pretend they play are lost to adult onlookers
but maybe as we age we can no longer see the dragon guarding the princess's tower
or
the jungle that is the monkey bars
now all we see is a landing at the top of the ladder leading to the slides and metal monkey bars with chipping paint
the secret language they communicate with was once something we could comprehend but now it is just incoherent babbling  

play is something we would do with reckless abandon
spending hours outside with friends, siblings, cousins, or solo
creating these fantasy worlds in every corner of the schoolyard
using sidewalk chalk to draw neighborhoods for ants crawling across the blacktop

sometimes we just need to let go and try to salvage any pieces of our imagination in order to escape from the stress of the office or the bills that are more than expected
sometimes we have to escape back into that child-like mindset in which the world is your playground
a mindset in which the world is what you make it
not what it makes you

so next time you pass a playground or schoolyard
roll down your windows and listen to the language of play
take a minute to remember that you were once one of those children

next time a child asks you if you want to play
play with them
rediscover the world with the sense of wonder you once had

don't be afraid to play
300 · Feb 2020
snow day
J Feb 2020
i love snow days
sleeping in,
a pancake breakfast (or brunch),
working in my pajamas,
watching the quiet and still world out the window
nothing beats a snow day

until you have 3 of them over the course of a week or so (with a weekend in between) and you live alone

then i start to feel like jack torrence
299 · Nov 2016
falling
J Nov 2016
what a feeling
to be falling
for someone.
it's amazing
(but scary)
(because i don't know if it's mutual)
if you're reading this (you know who you are), now you now how i feel.
292 · Jul 2020
permanence
J Jul 2020
my room no longer feels like my own
boxes are strewn across the floor
but i can’t get myself to unpack them
because this just feels like a visit
only a stop along the way

everything is temporary

maybe that’s why i can’t empty everything out this time around
because my fear is that
this time
it is permanent
288 · Nov 2016
12:34 am
J Nov 2016
it's 12:34 am
and i'm alone
and longing for someone.
i will be alone
and longing for someone
at 12:34 am tomorrow,
and the next day,
and the next day,
and the next day.
i wish for one day
to not be alone and longing for you
at 12:34 am.
i'm really missing someone tonight...
277 · Nov 2016
non-stop
J Nov 2016
i've been running
a marathon
for what feels like an eternity.
i'm at the one hundred mile mark
but
there are
no water stations,
no refueling tables,
no finish line
in sight.

how much longer will i be this way?
i'm so tired.
my body feels like lead -
weighing me down.
(my mind left miles ago)

will my legs give out?
will i be crushed under this weight?
will my body shut down?
(my mind already has)
273 · Jan 2017
love is...
J Jan 2017
love walks in when you least expect it
and it is both beautiful and ruinous.
those feelings of love are the most powerful and beautiful feelings on planet earth and i wish to feel that someday.
but love can be ugly and one-sided
and that seems to be the only kind of love i know.
love from family is warm and comforting,
and that is never one sided.
but love from others is unkind,
it is fickle and fleeting
and leaves a bad aftertaste.
unrequited love is not romantic,
it is pain,
a pain that is both sharp and dull at the same time.
the initial sharp stab eventually subsides and is gone.
but the dull pain never goes away,
you just make room for it and live with that dull ache
until you are lucky enough to find someone who thinks you shine brighter than the sun
and whose heart skips a beat when you walk in a room
and who loves your whole person and entire soul.

that is the love i will search the ends of the earth for
but will never find
273 · Jul 2017
god?
J Jul 2017
hey, god
it's me.

are you even there?
because i feel like i've been leaving voicemails in a long lost friends mailbox and never receiving a call back
and now i cannot leave anymore because it is full  

do you even hear me?
i've been screaming my prayers for a long time now and
i
am
getting
desperate
i just want some of your guidence
please
help me navigate through the stormy waters i am going to be swallowed up in

do you even know me?
i am one of your children
yet i feel left behind
like the lost sheep matthew and luke spoke of
but nobody is coming to find me

is it because i don't go to church on sunday?
is it because i don't read the bible?
is it because i don't know the stories by heart?
what is it?
please.
i am lost and i don't think i will be found this time

please
give me some guidence
show me your face
just give me something so i can make it through to see the sun rise tomorrow
272 · Dec 2016
physicality
J Dec 2016
bags under my eyes
so purple and dark
(i haven't slept well in weeks)
my face
never showing the ocean inside
unlike my eyes
that show everything.
picking my fingers
to the bone.
(they don't even bleed anymore)
biting my nails
until they bleed.
my hands
cracked and dry,
****** knuckles
that never heal.
my spine
is exhausted
from holding this weight.
my shoulders
and neck
can hardly hold my head.

i just want to lay in a bed of flowers,
under the shade of a tree
so that i may rest my head.
i don't want a tumultuous ocean inside,
i want calm seas.
259 · Nov 2016
thanksgiving
J Nov 2016
it's thanksgiving.
i'm so grateful for everyone in my life
and
all the incredible things i've done this year,
but i still feel like something is missing.

(and it's you)
253 · Jul 2017
You
J Jul 2017
You
i wish so desperately to find solace in
You
i want to believe in You wholeheartedly
but for some reason
i cannot
i was raised to follow You and believe in
You
but i feel You have left me in the dark
i am trying to see Your light through the forest
but i cannot
i don't feel Your love the way i once did
You don't touch me the way You used to as i kneeled before You on sundays
i know You are real and the Son is real
but i am having a hard time understanding why i am here
and why my prayers have gone unanswered
You have a purpose for me
but what is it?
253 · Apr 2017
proximity
J Apr 2017
i long for you next to me here on this couch as i watch this episode of law and order for the sixth time and still be unsure of how it ends.
i wish you were next to me in the grocery store helping to push the cart as i triple check the list to make sure we got everything.
i wish you were in the kitchen with me so we could dance like nobody's watching in between the steps of the recipe that i know we won't follow.
i long for you to be next to me in bed so i can sleep soundly through the night and if nightmares come crawling into my dreamscape, i know you will be there to chase them away.
i wish you were in my passenger seat so i can look at you out of the corner of my eye in the mirrors as i try to focus on the road ahead.
i wish you were there so i could kiss you at stop lights and drive with no destination in mind.
i want to go to all of my favorite places with you by my side because then i will be complete.
i will be whole.
252 · Dec 2016
getting away
J Dec 2016
i need to get away
from here
just for a short time -
escape this place
i know all too well.
i'll turn off my phone,
pack some snacks,
take a book,
but no maps.
i'll savor everything,
and photograph nothing.
hopefully i can clear my head,
lord knows it's too
crowded in there.
i need to go on a solo road trip asap
238 · Apr 2020
run
J Apr 2020
run
i has a dream i was running
feet pounding on the ground
(left
right
left
right)
breathing just hard enough to be uncomfortable
(in
out
in
out
in
out)
arms hanging low
swinging just enough to help propel me forward

i felt so free
striding down the road and onto the trail
dodging roots and rocks
jumping over fallen trees
soaring down hills
flying across the woods

i felt so free
just the earth and me
235 · Jul 2017
inspiration
J Jul 2017
lately
i have had the drive to write
but
the words are not coming
232 · Feb 2020
a tuesday night in february
J Feb 2020
i just really need to kiss someone
feel that thrill
and excitement
of what could come next

i just really need to cuddle with someone
feel the closeness
and intimacy
of being close to another person

i just really need to hug someone
feel that comfort
and relief
of having someone else’s arms around me

i just really need to be close to someone
just to feel another person
that physical feeling of touching another human being

no strings attached
202 · May 2020
4x1
J May 2020
4x1
4pm cold brew always seems like a good idea at the time
on top of the world
senses are heightened
cat-like reflexes are activated
spidey senses are tingling
colors have taste

but that 4pm cold brew turns into 2am anxiety and overthinking
mind running in every position on all of the the 4x1 teams at states
“if only i hadn’t said that”
“what if i just gave them what they wanted?”
2 turns to 3
(tears slowly stream down temples; eyes glued to tracing patterns in the ceiling)
3 turns to 4
“where did i go wrong?”
and so on
finally the sky turns purple
eyes close
crows caw
the sun is here to say “hey”
(eyeballs burn under closed lids; jaw clenches)
time to start your day
189 · Apr 2020
thank you, k
J Apr 2020
i never really thought an almost stranger’s second floor apartment could make me feel at ease

it was a houseful that night but even after almost everyone with a long drive home left
it still felt ***** even though i barely knew anyone who stayed
if it were anywhere else
i would have stayed bottled up all night
and left when they did
even though i live ten minutes away
but something about that place
and the almost stranger who calls it home
made me feel more comfortable than i have since coming to this new place

not even my space feels like that
124 · Jan 2020
21: a letter
J Jan 2020
oh honey, you have no idea what’s in store for you this year
you start your 21st lap around the sun surrounded by the people you love the most - your family, your boyfriend, and a handful of friends - you’re missing some but you think it’s okay (it’s not)

you’ve started your senior year of college, which you know will be stressful, but also fun because you love college

late summer gives way to early fall
fall ends and winter comes barreling in at full force which is strange because it was a mild winter that year

oh baby, there’s a blizzard coming and you can’t see it because you haven’t checked the weather in days
but maybe you can see the clouds start to change and the air turns crisp and breathing it in hits your nose like a thousand tiny needles
all of a sudden you open your eyes and you are trying to outrun an avalanche that’s faster than Country House during the Kentucky Derby that year

oh baby, you think you can outrun that avalanche but it buries you deep until the early spring sun melts it away
but that spring sun gives way to showers that seem endless
but once the rainy season ends, summer starts to show herself and you start to thrive off her warmth
you graduate with honors surrounded by some of your closest friends, colleagues, compatriots
yet, you still can’t shake the feeling that it’s all a facade because you see the leaves turn that way they do before a big storm comes
and it does
it brings monsoons and an earthquake so big it threatened to swallow you whole
but you hung in there, baby
you hung on until your fingers began to break and your arms started to give in
and you kept reaching for someone to grab on and screamed yourself horse
until
someone came for you
and another person came for you
and another
and another
and another
until they formed a human chain strong enough for you to pull yourself up and get your feet back on the ground
they surrounded you and helped you build a fortress so mighty nobody could ever get in all while they stood guard at all hours
all you had to do was ask for help

that summer sun beat down on you so hard it burned your skin but you grew
you planted your roots
and you were watered by those standing guard
eventually you were strong enough to be transplanted to a bigger ***
but this time, you’re solo
but those who stood guard are never far away

summer has changed to fall and fall will change to winter and winter to spring
there will be storms
there may be some tremors
but you will survive
and you will grow
and you will live every single day because being alive and breathing allow you to experience everything life has to offer
what a joy to be alive, to breathe

so
21 ends
22 begins

what do you say in a letter to 22 year old me?
as year 22 begins,
remember
you are strong
you are important
you will love yourself first
you will  put yourself first
you will to seize every opportunity that comes your way
you made the right decision
you’re doing this for all the right reasons

i think i’m going to like 22
121 · Mar 2020
waking up alone
J Mar 2020
waking up alone is something i never thought i would experience
but
it happened

we stayed up talking on my futon until 2am
but neither of us realized the time because we were laughing more than i think we both laughed in a long time
and you told me to stay with you on my ****** futon for those few hours before the sun came up
but i made up a ******* excuse about not being able to sleep outside of my own bed
probably because i didn’t want to let myself feel what i knew was real
what you told me just minutes before we kissed to see if we felt anything
and ******* i felt something

i wouldn’t have kissed back if i didn’t

i should have stayed with you on the futon
maybe i would’ve slept
maybe i wouldn’t have woken up alone
with just a note on the futon
103 · Mar 2020
and love
J Mar 2020
choose love
and joy
and happiness
and love
and hope
and love
and joy
and hope
and love
and love
and
love
and

love
i know things are really scary and uncertain right now. this is just a reminder that there is good and light left
100 · Feb 2020
almost 3
J Feb 2020
some days i truly believe i’m doing better
but something always happens
when i’m getting close to someone
sharing the intimate details of my life
my story
my shortcomings
my “trauma”
(god i hate that word
that word is reserved for those who went through truly horrible things
but not me
because it wasn’t bad in my head
though i’m learning that there are some pieces missing when i talk to her about what happened)

i can’t get close to people like i could before you infiltrated my life and grew like a slow-moving cancer
constantly there even when there are no symptoms
(god there’s that word again. “cancer.” that ugly
vile
word only reserved for the worst of the worst
that word that made last year the worst year of my life
maybe it was the lack of that word that made it
i don’t know
but i hope that’s what you get
something slow
but hard to treat
i want you to feel what it’s like to feel your insides being ripped apart
feel the sickness
and pain
that i felt.
god i hate myself for saying that
rage clouds the corners of my vision and oftentimes becomes blinding
yet i am stuck
stuck between the feelings of rage and mercy
so diametrically opposed
and different
but i guess somewhere deep down i remember that you’re a human being
but
you are a monster
you preyed on my innocence and naïveté and optimism
and i couldn’t take off my rose colored glasses to see your true form until the damage was done
you had no business with me or getting close to me
or taking me


but i digress

— The End —