Was made of blood stained blades and tear stained cheeks,
Bated breaths trapped between warning footfalls,
The silent echo of your helpless shrieks.

Children locked in church bathrooms, circus freaks,
Disgraced, oh how laughter mentally mauls,
Was made of blood stained blades and tear stained cheeks.

We were called horrible things, worthless, weak,
They drowned it out, those noisy know-it-alls,
The silent echo of your helpless shrieks.

And oh, the way my thoughts, they used to leak,
Like poisoned water, roaring waterfalls,
Was made of blood stained blades and tear stained cheeks.

But you, so fierce despite being so meek,
Pushing down all your words, you used to crawl,
The silent echo of your helpless shrieks.

Today, I fight the words I didn’t speak,
And I’m sorry, I sat by, watched you fall.
Was made of blood stained blades and tear stained cheeks,
The silent echo of your helpless shrieks.

There was a time,
When you didn't believe this sunrise would ever exist.

A time when youthful giggles shifted to pursed lips,
Red became far more sinister than sweet blushes.

You were certain, once,
That sky painted a million shades could never happen.

Once, when hands shook for far worse than excitement,
When darkness meant so much more than shadows.

You told me, then,
Surely your universe would be swallowed by it's own stars,

Then, before the wounds scarred over,
Before the meters between us became too high to count.

You swore to me,
That broken boys like you
Never got to become
Men.

Well, the sunrise is gorgeous,
Don't you think?

And the space between your hand and mine,
Might be too far for my fractured heart,

But I'm staring at those colors, the light of the sun,
And I'm seeing your eyes.

I'm so glad,
That you got to see this sunrise.

I promise it's real.

Fire
Tears across the horizon.
Orange, red, gold,
Burning the eyes,
Unstoppable.

Dark, black clouds,
Like a curtain,
Stretch across the newborn sky.
Blotting out all
But a stripe of Hell.

Wind
Scalds the skin
As the streak of flame
Grows ever larger,
Ever brighter.

Perhaps
When the sun shows itself,
Dissolving the illusion,
The fear of unstoppable flame
Will cure you.

Watching you dance, I cannot help but feel
As though you must be incorporeal
You move as though full of air- nothing else
Surely the rest of us humans cannot claim such grace

Because you are effortless pirouettes
You walk as though always onstage
Floating rather than stepping
Smiling softly at those who pass

I watch you from the ground where I live
My feet are heavy,
I stumble more often than leap,
And it seems my knees are always skinned

Your voice is smooth,
Your eyes always soft
You have an arsenal of kindnesses
Always ready to say just the right thing

I am a stumbling, staggering speaker
My eyes hidden far below bangs
I trip over soft words,
Finding only cruelty when I need warmth

You are poise
And I am dysfunction
You are perfection
And I am chaos

So now, I have to ask,
Why would you
Want such an insensitive klutz
As your friend?

I wonder if you're asleep,
Laying in your bed.
I wonder if you're like me,
With words trapped in your head.

When the dawn comes,
Will I need some time to grieve?
When the questions run,
Will you finally be free?

But, there is a technicality,
In the form of my love for you.
My tendency to cling tightly,
To a very specific few.

My love, there is a thing called trust,
I gave mine to you fully.
But in your awful lust,
I fear you might take it and leave.

And there are some things I need
Some things I need to fly
But tonight it's only me
Me, myself, and I

Isn't it odd,
How one person's absence
Can tear across your soul like ripples?
Gaining speed with each passing moment,
Momentum,
Turning that fragment of my heart you stole
Into a tsunami.

The wound you left
It's long since healed
I know this,
I claim this,
In the face of that mighty wave
As if my claims, my words, my facts
Can stop the oncoming torrent of water.

A million thoughts,
Trapped in a young mind.
Each shaped to slice,
Poison tipped fury,
Enclosed in an idea.

How is one supposed to think
With all these blades locked in his mind?
How is he supposed to sort through them all,
When each he touches slices his flesh,
When the urge to retreat is so heavy within him?

What is one to do?
All  these barbed words,
Bouncing around in a skull.
If only the sound was hollow,
If only his mind less sharp.

They say ignorance is bliss,
And dull thoughts must hurt far less.
Perhaps if he frees them,
Blows a hole in his skull,
Those  thoughts will flow free.

Onto the floor,
His sharp thoughts flow,
Filling the crevices of his floorboards,
Staining the wood with their rich color,
No longer caged.

Your love was a sun,
And you gave it to me.

It burned in my chest,
Warming me from the inside out.
Sometimes it burned me,
But that is the nature of suns.

I treasured that star,
Kept it close to me.
Even as it scalded my heart,
I clutched it ever tighter.

But that day you left, it died.
And in my chest there was a supernova
Exploding, destroying, devouring,
And oh how it hurt.

I prayed for a way out,
To let the exploding star in my chest
Tear me apart.
No such salvation came.

And then it began to implode,
******* with it all I was,
All we were.
Hollowing out that space.

Now I walk,
With a black hole in my heart,
Trying to ignore how hollow it's made me,
How much of me that darkness consumed.

Your love was a sun,
And you gave it to me.

I'm so tired
*of missing you

It's been a week, my love
A week of pain, of strife,
Of realizing what I gave up
Of realizing what I'll be better without.

It's been a week, only a week,
One week to start many weeks,
And I wonder if each will be easier
Than the last.

A week ago I was broken
Laid upon the ground,
Impaled, bleeding before your gaze,
As you turned from the sight.

A week later I call myself okay,
Able to stand, walk,
But that fight still eludes me,
And I know these wounds slowly scar.

Perhaps next week,
I will be able to stand tall,
Able to run,
Able to fight once more.

Each beat of my heart is discordant
As I face the horrible reality of tonight
Oh I want to close my eyes
Forget the sight of your indifference

Each breath is a gasp in disguise
As I face the fearful ache in my chest
Oh I want to lay in your arms
Forget the blows upon my fragile heart

Each thought I bear is a knife
As I face the implications of tonight
Oh I want to apologize a million times
Forget that you were the one wielding the weapon

Your wounds don't bleed.

With each ink stained word you are torn anew
Flesh, sinew, bone, all shredded under the assault
Of a thousand poisoned words
Made of 26 innocent letters

Your mouth doesn't scream.

Those lips are sewn shut by your inhibitions
Fear of standing out overrides that pain you've shut away
Maybe if you just relaxed your jaw
All that ache would fly from your bones

Your wounds don't bleed.

Instead it's your pen, bleeding black
As it scrawls across the paper, those poisoned words
You wield each of those letters as a sword
Carving into my skin

Your mouth does not scream.

Instead it's your eyes, cold and oh so sharp
Shooting looks my way, defiant, stabbing
As if you were the victim
And I the villain

My wounds bleed.
My mouth screams.
I am not as strong as you, my once upon a time
Please, if you ever loved me

Be gentle when you break my heart.

I have remembered loving you
In many different ways.

I remembered loving you
As a blade, once.
Those memories made me bleed
They burned, they ached,
No matter how many bandaids I used
They refused to stop.

I remembered loving you
As a bruise.
First, it hurt vaguely all the time
Everyone could see the deep purple
Of my pain.
But gradually, it faded
until it only hurt when I put pressure on it,
Or when someone accidentally bumped it.

Now, I remember loving you
As a thick, deep scar.
I can trace my fingers over it
And it no longer hurts.
I can remember what it felt like,
To love you,
To lose you,
But the blade’s bite is behind me.

It’s taken me so long,
To see my scars as proof
Of healing instead of harm.
But I’m stronger now.

Goodbye, old flame.

I no longer miss you.

There was once a sun in this chest of mine,
And oh how it warmed.

It was bright and shining,
And though it scalded me sometimes,
I loved it just the same,
For that's the nature of suns.

There was once a sun in this chest of mine,
But then it died.

It exploded within my chest,
A supernova,
Tearing me apart, devouring all it saw
Consuming breath and flesh alike.

There was once a sun in this chest of mine,
But now it's long gone.

All I have left is a hollow space,
A deep black hole in my heart,
And I try to ignore it,
As it takes all I am, leaving me hollow.

I think I would like
To write the word “love”
On the inside of my forearm,
Over the cracks in my porcelain fraud,
So that the letters might fill the gaps
And color what lies beneath.

I’d like to stain my fingertips with love,
And trail them along every wall,
Over every surface I pass,
So that I never leave anything more
Than the gentlest admiration
In my wake.

I’d like love to tint my eyes
Valentine heart red,
So that I might be blinded to hatred
In all it’s ugly forms,
And instead see only gentleness
In the eyes of strangers.

I’d like to cast my spine in love’s steel,
Because I know **** well
It is anything but soft.
And let it stand me up tall
Let me never be ashamed of it
In any form it comes.

Fill my veins with love,
Pump it through my body
Like ******’s newest form,
So that I can get high on the idea
That everything is made of pure
Beauty.

Here,
Let me cut my skin,
Let my words flow from the wound
In stinted stanzas,
Faux sentences.

I can pour it all into these,
Heart, soul,
Body, mind,
And yet my words will echo into emptiness
Meaningless shouting into an indifferent sea of voices.

These words, they've all been written
These letters, used infinitely before
So here, my friend
Let me cut my skin,
And bleed my worthless words
Into your beautiful, elaborate mind.

I breathe your loving words in deeply
Fill my lungs with your sweetness
And exhale those petty insecurities
That once stained them black.

Your gentle smiles tickle my skin
Your laughter tousles my hair,
Dead leaves swirl upon cold concrete
In the wake of your joy.

But your fury.

It is screaming against my window
Rattling the glass like old bones
It is scraping my skin raw
I cannot speak with such chapped lips.

And the silence after,
My hollow chest still echos your gusts
Your cold front has torn the warmth
From my very bones.

Perhaps,
Next time the wind howls
And the trees shudder
I will just stay inside.

I'm so ******* tired
Of you.

Why must you exist?
I'm over here trying to heal, to mend the wounds you left.
And you slip into my mind like water, unstoppable,
Tapping at torn flesh, invading my chest.

It's been far too long for this *******
To keep coming back to me.

No, I don't want to remember the first time you promised I love you
I'd much rather toss that memory from my desperate mind.
God, I want to forget how your smile
Lit my world like a million fairy lights.

I'm sorry I forgot that I love you
Was a temporary gift.

Now it's a curse,
And I just want, so desperately,
Not to see you again, not to hold your hand, kiss your lips,
But to just...

**Forget

There is a blade pointed at my heart
She’s behind me
I scream his name, I beg for help
He walks away

I am desperate
She is lighter than I expected
Fling her frail body to the ground
Broken christmas ornaments.

Her hand has fallen off
It is clinging to my coat
Stomp, stomp, stomp it out
Run.

He is in the next room.
He waited for me.

My teeth hurt when I eat candy,
But I do it anyways
Because sometimes the hurt
Is worth the sweetness.

You have stuck in my mind
And I fear it's far too late.
For no matter whose eyes I claim to love,
It's yours I see.

I see you in the green grass,
In the sunshine,
Trees you'd climb,
These fingers you'd hold.

And it's been so long, my love,
Since you abandoned me in the dark,
But you're still imprinted upon my eyelids,
And i'd still pay any amount to hear your laugh.

I love you.
Though you've caused me so much pain,
And you elude me so completely,
I love you.

If I take her hand, hold her gaze, share her smiles,
But I can't get him out of my head,

Who am I cheating?

I was not made for bright dancing lights,
I was not made for rushing,
Falling heart over head in love
In a matter of days.

You were made for holding my hand,
Tugging me behind,
As you ran and jumped, sang and laughed,
Leaving me in your dust.

I thought, for a sunlit moment,
That your smile, your warm eyes,
Were made just for me.
I know better now.

You are made of sunlit moments,
Optimistic smiles,
And laughter that fills the room.

I am made of silent speeches,
Comforting embraces,
And soft laughter, saved for intimate moments.

I'm afraid, in the end,
You fell far too fast for my fractured heart,
And I hoped far too soon for your soft skin.

I'm sorry, for that.

I wish you were here;
I wish I wasn’t alone.

My mother had a temper,
She carried her fire in her voice,
In her demands and her cries.

I do not have a temper,
But I promise I still carry her flame,
It lives in my eyes, in my step.

I know, I do not burn loudly,
But don’t be mislead,
I am made of heat and destruction.

It’s in my bones
It’s in my bones
It’s in my bones
Don’t apologize for it
Don’t blame yourself for it
Don’t think it’s your words
It’s my words
It’s my thoughts
It’s my truths
In my bones.

I was broken beyond belief
My heart cracked and left for dead
It still quivers with the fear of helplessness

Gentle spirits of sunbeams
Put me back together again
Slowly, gently,
They called their friends,
And now I don’t have to be so alone.

I leapt somewhere new
Far from those shadows that once encased me
Now I wrap myself in feathers
And freedom is my strength.

I have ached.
I have been broken.
But I’m learning, once more
How to find joy in the gentle sunlight
In the dancing leaves, in the breeze
And in the smiles of others.

I hope my spirit will forgive
My absence.

I miss her.

I don’t know if I’ll ever forget
The sight of your eyes in the fluorescents
Or the way your smile curves.

I know, I know,
The best things are made to end
I know that your fingers are only temporary
And yet I stumble, crumble, cling
And yet I make you my cornerstone
And yet I fill my lungs with your breath
And temper my gaze with yours.

And the truth is I know,
I’ve always known
That you’ll destroy me.

I know that your lips are devastation
And your eyes are disillusion
But if this is destruction
Then I am a ruin.

Perhaps it will fade my skin,
But for now,
I’ll bask in the sunlight of your attention.

What if
I’m not good enough?

She’s gone.

This room echoes
And it’s so much colder than before.
All my questions are written on the walls
They’ve gone entirely blank.

I have rubbed my own skin raw
Wondering where you’ve gone.

I can’t say I love you yet,
But it’s been a long while
Since I felt like this last.

It’s 4am and neither of us has slept
But your dimples are winking at me
We twirl slowly in the kitchen
Chests pressed impossibly close.

His lips brush against my knuckles
His body curled around mine,
I don’t know who he is, it’s true,
But he feels like sunlight.

The walls are tilting inwards
The floor is falling out
I am spinning just barely too fast,
Nothing to hold on to,
Nothing to catch me,
I want to close my eyes.

Floating
A million miles up above
Holding hands with the sun
He stumbles and I fall
And we bump a little too hard

Tumbling
Half a million to go
And the sunlight is suffocating
He’s filling my lungs with panic
Its tightening my chest

It drips from my fingertips
From my lips, from my eyes
From the gemstone she gave me
Dangling round my neck.

I gaze at her,
Spilling all over the floor
Staining the carpets
With my dilapidated love

I am wavering.
My bones are not as strong as before
And my blood has run cold
And my skin is cracking with every move
And my hair has lost its luster
And my joints creak and moan,
And my heart keeps missing beats.
But they replace my bones
And wrap me in a thick blanket
And tape me back together
And brush my hair
And oil my joints
And fix my chest’s metronome.
They are keeping me together.

The wind braided my hair,
It called me beautiful,
And perhaps in the wind’s eyes I am.
But when I looked in the mirror
I saw a tangled mess atop my head.

I am raw, vulnerable as she brands me
In big block letters, across my open throat
SELFISH

She rests her hands on my fragile shoulders
Pushes me down into the seat,
Her shaky breath tickles my neck
Her tears run down my spine
“Relax,” she whispers, “You’re safe now.”
Her nails dig in.

My toes are so so cold,
Here, let me press them against your spine.
You screech but you know you love me.

Stare at me out car windows
And whisper unpleasantries
I’ll keep dancing in the street
With hair aglow and eyes alight.
Call me madwoman if you like,
But at least I’m still able to dance.

I’ll feed her sweetness and vinegar
Brush her hair delicately.
I’ll clean her scarred body,
Paint her face happy.
She is me, and I am her,
And someone has to take care of her.

I am stumbling blind
I know I can make it alone
I know I’m strong enough
I know I’m brave enough
But I really, really
Really don’t want to have to.

The sunlight is warm.
It presses the gentlest kisses fire can offer
Against my bare skin.

His hair is copper and strawberry
His eyes rich mahogany
And i know I shouldn’t.

I walked away
And I know I’m supposed to feel stronger
But my bones seem to creak now
And my chest sings hollow
And the breeze makes me shudder.

Empowerment
Feels a lot like weakness
Sometimes.

My mother gave me demons,
But she also gave me a sword,
She showed me how to use it.
I’ll curl my fingers around this hilt.
I’ll carry it with pride.
I will not be overtaken.
I am a warrior.

9:17 am
I’ve never lost a mother,
But I watched my mother lose hers.
I know the devastation that lives
In your breath, encased
In your beating heart.

Words will never fix this,
But I will always be here.