I get frustrated sometimes
When people don't follow lore
Or the unspoken laws of RP
When people refuse to consider others in their actions
Or give insincere sentiments
I get frustrated sometimes just because
It's all very frustrating
And sometimes, it makes me hate people
But that's a bit irrational isn't it?
I am a teenage girl
I don't go outside much
But I workout
I teach myself in online courses
I spend a lot of time on World of Warcraft
I'm in love with someone much older than me
I feel like I've known him for a 3 lifetimes, not just 3 years
I believe the human spirit is a powerful thing made of light and darkness
I'm a submissive at heart
And I believe in true love
So that's me.
I'm in love with a man
A man years older than me
A man who is married
A man who has kids
A man who is also my Master
A man who is also my teacher
A man who is above all else my best friend
I'm a horrible person because I'm in love with this man
I'm a terrified girl because I'm in love with this man
I'm a lucky woman because I'm in love with this man
I'm a better person because I love this man
I've heard what they've said
"They'll never make it"
"She's an awful woman"
"She's an idiot"
I wish I didn't love him because it'd be easier for him
But I do, and he loves me
And when I hear his voice I know that it'll be okay
no matter what happens
He's not literally my teacher, but he's taught me a lot.
I'm a teenager
I'm a submissive
I'm an aspiring housewife
I'm someone's "girl"
I'm in love
I'm an Aquarius
I'm a daughter
I'm a human
I'm a spiritualist
I'm a gamer
And lastly, I want people to know me.
I don't know why, I just do.
The way Sherrezade looks at Ja'far,
The way she smiles when she talks about him
-Though only an act-
Is one of knowing.
It's a look that says,
She knows something.
Something you don't.
But it's also reassuring
As if to say it will be okay
That you'll be enlightened soon
He is almost naive
He thinks he can save the kingdom
And while he does...
It's just one of those things.
He has a great heart
He truly wants happiness for all
"You are kind and that's enough"
Is really a simple statement
But it makes sense
And it's something people should hear more as children
Maybe then they'd stay that way..
This is really only a look and feed back on the play Twisted: Story of a Royal Vizier by Starkid.
The kind that say "I've not done such and such in days."
The "Such and such" being something needed to sustain life
Who sit on their phones after telling you that YOU are hosting them
On a Thursday night
Whom dodge non-academic questions because they're hard
And afraid the answer you expect is correct
Who say things just because they want your pity
Even if those things aren't true
The kind of people who are ungrateful
The kind of people who are stupid because
Maturing and learning is too hard
"It's much easier to pity myself and stay ignorant" they say
Those people frustrate me
Perhaps they frustrate me so because there was a time
When I did a few of those things
People are stupid.
Copenhagen is a movie that greatly parallels my relationship
Yet the more I saw them thrive the lonelier I felt
The lonelier I felt the more space I seemed to occupy in my bed
Near the last quarter of the movie there was a scene
That made me think to myself
"Effy is the only woman that can slap a man then make him dance"
And I took up more of my bed
If you were to look into my heart
Or my mind
Or wherever it is emotions are harbored
You wouldn't find emotions just floating about
You'd find boxes of all types of material
Mainly cardboard but also boxes made of such things as steel
Or even dark mysterious matter that only exist in my mind
And those boxes are where my emotions reside
Where memories reside
Where very painful things reside
Things such as my childhood
Like raising myself because my parents were too high to get out of bed
And raising my sister from the age of 7 for the same reasons
Then living with my dying grandfather, whom I loved as a Father
I know these things because all boxes have labels in my world
And I could tell you these things without feeling anything
I can do this because to me they're just facts written on boxes
That's all I had to share
And it's home
But I'm young
And this relationship..
Well it's a big little thing
It's a thing in the life of a teenager
A thing that concerns love
The kind of love you only feel in your youth I'd reckon
Okay so you know those depressed teen quotes that are everywhere?
"I spent way too much time thinking
about someone who didn't think about me."
"I let you in and you destroyed me"
You know we make those, and support those because,
we don't know what else with our emotions and thoughts.
And when you look back on them,
after getting out of that phase in your life that now seems stupid.
You may find yourself ashamed that you ever supported or took part in
such things because they are so pointless.
But I personally also find it funny.
I find it funny because I was so desperate for someone to see me and say;
"Hey you are right to feel depressed and I'm here to feel sorry for you."
Then I started going to therapy and I went through something that seemed harder than everything else at the time.
I became kinda cold after that but then I was lucky enough to meet my Master, who is also my guardian angel.
(I know this may sound stupid but it's what we believe)
He cared enough about me from the start to tell me
when I was doing something wrong.
And now here I am.
I work towards something when I want it.
I pay attention to my health more, because I realized I needed to.
I now know that blunt honesty is 99.9% of the time what fixes things.
I know that I need to learn to balance things in my life,
and I'm still working on it.
But that's the thing I'm working on my problems now.
By the way the 0.1% is when people ask if their dress makes their *** look big. Also, when it comes to that bit about my Master being my guardian angel this is something that has been proven to me personally multiple times because it's something my beliefs support and I can feel that it's true.
I fear not having time one day to enjoy myself
Not having time to lay with my husband
Or run through a few casual dungeons in WoW
Or just rest for a little while
I fear not having kids before 30
When 30 comes family history says I'll get a hysterectomy
All I want to do is be a housewife
And a mother
I fear that one of my best friend will just disappear
Maybe because I pushed him away
Or because he got bored with our conversations
Or maybe he just never cared
It hurts to think about Null
How I pushed him away
And he did so much for me
I never got to tell him thank you
Or how much I truly appreciated him
It hurts to think about how Papa died so early in my life
We could've had so many fantastic conversations
I could've learned so much
It hurts to think about the last conversation that I had with Papa
I didn't know how to talk to him when he was dying
So I cut the conversation short
I should've never done that
I fear that I'll never see them again
That I'll never get to say I'm sorry
That I'll never get to say I love you
That I'll never get to hear You're okay from them again
But you know it's nice to think about Karsten
The man I love
Not platonically like Null
Or in a family way like Papa
I love him
He's my best friend
We're romantically involved
I could spend the reset of my life with him
I just hope I can make it work
That we can make it work
So yeah life isn't all happiness
And I have fears
They'll stay with me forever
But because of people like Karsten
And my Mother
And so many others
Life can be bright
And it is worth it
Null is just a name used in place of a real name, if that wasn't well known. :)
I wonder what it'd be like to be in his bed
For his bed to be, our bed
For us to be partners
And to stand side by side, hand in hand
Facing the world as it comes
I just wonder what that'd be like sometimes
So here I am again,
At the end of my world.
Life is unstable,
Feelings are fleeting.
Why must my world end?
Why must it be mine?
Why was it everything I loved,
Everything I cared about,
that had to end?
See I wonder this,
I'll ponder it for a long time
Before finally asking myself:
...Why not my world?
This realization soothes no pain.
Saves no hurt.
But this realization does assure you,
that this pain,
it's not personal.
It was never personal.
I'm a teenager so I stay up late
But I've found that late at night I get lonely
And I search the internet for someone to talk to
But it just makes me lonelier
The lonelier I am the harder I look
The harder I look the later it gets
This is upsetting
I don't want to go to sleep
I fear tomorrow would come too fast
I don't want to close my eyes
I'd rather right now last
Painful or not
At least it isn't tomorrow
At least today is almost over
— The End —