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Feb 2015
I fear not having time one day to enjoy myself
Not having time to lay with my husband
Or run through a few casual dungeons in WoW
Or just rest for a little while

I fear not having kids before 30
When 30 comes family history says I'll get a hysterectomy
All I want to do is be a housewife
And a mother
A homemaker

I fear that one of my best friend will just disappear
Maybe because I pushed him away
Or because he got bored with our conversations
Or maybe he just never cared

It hurts to think about Null
How I pushed him away
And he did so much for me
I never got to tell him thank you
Or how much I truly appreciated him

It hurts to think about how Papa died so early in my life
We could've had so many fantastic conversations
I could've learned so much

It hurts to think about the last conversation that I had with Papa
I didn't know how to talk to him when he was dying
So I cut the conversation short
I should've never done that

I fear that I'll never see them again
That I'll never get to say I'm sorry
That I'll never get to say I love you
That I'll never get to hear You're okay from them again

But you know it's nice to think about Karsten
The man I love

Not platonically like Null
Or in a family way like Papa
Something in-between
Something romantic

I love him

He's my best friend
We're romantically involved
I could spend the reset of my life with him
I just hope I can make it work
That we can make it work

So yeah life isn't all happiness
And I have fears
And pain
They'll stay with me forever

But because of people like Karsten
And my Mother
And so many others
Life can be bright
And it is worth it
Null is just a name used in place of a real name, if that wasn't well known. :)
Īmānadāra dāsa
Written by
Īmānadāra dāsa
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