Neon exhales into the cold night air,
Just one more wounded sip,
A voice that never took her anywhere,
Still tugging at her lip,
Survive another day, let sight decay,
Move fast but never free,
Refuse to play, lose anyway,
For all the world to see.

Another log upon the fire, a conclusion I could not accept,
A hand drawn map to Nashville, and the only key I kept,
One drink for the future, three or four more for my health,
The more you tell me that you’re proud, the less I recognize myself,
Each town another faded beauty, another name I can’t recall,
Or a vision in my head that I couldn’t recognize at all,
It was always all or nothing, the only way that I knew how,
Trying to convince myself it doesn’t hurt to think about you now,
Still I held you like a rumor deep in summer’s faded sigh,
I never told you that I loved you, and you never said goodbye,
There was always one more sunrise, there was always one more spring,
I’m not sure how that helps me now that I’ve lost everything.

Are there still roads left to wander, how much more can I take?
A weary mind left to wonder, how much more till I break?
The plan was always no plan, and the way out wasn’t through,
Maybe I deserved less than I wanted, but more than I knew,
As we lose hope where we place our faith, in souls we price to sell,
And seek solace in the warm embrace of lies we never tell,
So tell me what you told me then, I need to hear you say,
Come find me where I’ve always been, and make it all ok,
Because the words we left unspoken meant more than I ever knew,
And if it couldn’t have been heaven, then why couldn’t it be you?

Let’s just pretend, the road won’t end, these greens won’t turn to greys,
No last last calls, no haunted walls, nothing’s settled and no one stays,
She said its been a year, it’s growing clear, this wasn’t meant to be,
And right or wrong, it’d been so long, since you’d given up on me,
Through tired teeth, from underneath, I scraped and clawed and swore,
If I settle here, it’s all too clear, that I’ll just find another war,
But a heart can mend, you told me again, before I walked away,
Still I knew it then, through luck or sin, I’d lose you either way,
So I turned around, returned to ground, neither beaten nor prevailed,
The pain of regret, it hasn’t killed me yet, and I won’t live as if I’ve failed.

Fighting demons in the darkness, under blankets where we cower,
The lightness of eternity, the crushing weight of one more hour,
Where were you when failure faded, where I was I when roads decayed?
In the static haze you waited, as the current bent and swayed,
Tiptoeing sleepless starless silence, knowing I would never be,
The longing on your fingertips, or anyone else but me,
Still I spend all night grasping, gasping for some thread of air,
Chewing holes in scenery so you might realize I’m there,
Spend every day running in circles, yet I can’t escape this maze,
So I’ll pretend a plan by steady hand, to justify this hopeless gaze.

Alleys and ashtrays, flesh and bone,
I woke up next to you and felt alone,
Still searching for everything I’ve lost,
Or some change to show for all the cost,
But I can’t make amends for all I lack,
Can’t hold my breath, can’t turn back,
As that circle meets us where we end,
And destiny breaks us where we bend,
My head was sirens, concrete and snow,
You slept beside me as I let you go.

Arguing with tick-tock talking second hands,
In a language no one speaks or understands,
Losing hold of all the things I’ve never been,
As my whole life spins from the head of a pin,
It’s a piece to a puzzle of a subtle little stain,
The last gasping breath of a bubble in my brain,
We become love letters that nobody ever sends,
Or monsters in the closets of imaginary friends,
Still you sang forgiveness in that lonely lullaby,
Hidden under covers where nobody sees you cry,
Your cozy little rabbit hole, safety in the shade,
A quilted sanctuary, buried in the bed we made.

The beginning of inevitability, the aftermath of art,
Safe behind the iron walls that tore our house apart,
An apathetic shaking of the hand that you were dealt,
As my memory reminds me of a voice that I once felt,
Sand runs from the hourglass, heading for the coasts,
For empty-bottle sunsets and the holiest of ghosts,
Perfecting imperfection, maybe I never got it right,
I want to make a difference, but I’ll settle for a fight,
Traveling down the rabbit hole, marching single-file,
We were lost more than found in the fever of denial,
Makeshift medication makes it hurt less as it ends,
But shatters the illusion when nobody else pretends,
As I sit where you stood and hold on to what you lost,
Everything we earned becomes the never-ending cost.

I saw her in statues,
a summit so high,
but all mountains crumble,
in pursuit of the sky.

She knew me as rumor,
ramshackle repose,
buried under the burden,
of dust and shadows.

I loved her in glances,  
from airplanes and cars,
on cold city nights,
spent searching for stars.

She found me unraveled,
in the ashes of art,
a child devoid of wonder,
a page torn apart.

I lost her some midnight,
in thin neon glow,
to a remaining reminder,
from late long ago.

She forgets me in pieces,
Past tense pinot noir,
a third second chance,
a well-faded scar.

I miss her as conflict,
weak in the cause,
an unfinished ending,
born of finality’s flaws.

The day fell cold and lonely,
A broken glass, a hotel floor,
These scars still serve as a reminder,
Life can always hurt much more.

Lie to me, please lie to me,
Just make me feel ok,
Nothing will matter in the morning,
I was never meant to stay.

We turn and burn and never learn,
New days, the same old times,
Wherever you pray, let’s go there now,
Forgive us for our crimes.

Thick choking smoke sings me awake,
She says, “Leave me behind.”
I lift my head to ask her what she said,
“Oh nothing, never mind.”

It was all a matchstick fairytale,
Some coldblooded grasp at fate,
A redemption burned in effigy,
A salvation far too late.

A tradewind transgression,
Cold dusk and despair,
Your cigarette slowdance,
Spring rain in your hair,

Fireflies in the moonlight,
Our parking lot kiss,
Still lost in that moment,
Sweet summertime bliss,

Found a home in my head,
And stars in your eyes,
We dreamed happy endings,
Fall leaves and goodbyes,

As the distance outgrew us,
Time froze us in place,
Snow fell come December,
And covered all trace.

Before confetti rained down from the sky,
And after all the days that spell goodbye,
I still wish upon those satellites,
And taste your breath in neon lights,
I swear I wanted to tell you everything,
In a song I never wrote and couldn’t sing,
But instead I became roads and miles,
As you wore fancy shoes and empty smiles,
And found truth between the words of liars,
While I found hope amongst a sea of tires,
But still I wonder, from time to time,
Do I still steal your thoughts in silent crime?
Some days I wish I could live it all again,
Shake a few words from this empty pen,
But I know it’s far too late to pay that cost,
We’ve already become the things we lost,
So tonight I’ll act someone else’s age,
As you find solace on that empty page,
Waiting to discover a love honest and true,
Someone worthy to write it down for you.

Seconds away for yet another day,
And too far now to know,
If what I say will matter anyway,
If distance helps us grow.

Just another night, another bed,
I drank to stay awake,
Left my name, you took my heart instead,
A trophy, something to break.

Fell in love with eyes, that cheap disguise,
Left knives inside my throat,
I felt twice as wise when fed those lies,
And “I love yous” you misquote.

Tonight, I watched you disappear,
And drank to fall apart,
Seconds away for yet another year,
And no clue where to start.

The revolution left you spinning, now you’re sitting where you stood,
Can’t go back to the beginning, wouldn’t fight this if you could,
In the garden that you hated, where nothing has ever grown,
Under shadows where we waited, until the light left us alone,
With our indifferent indecision, and stolen bottles in your car,
We’ll drink until we’re happy here, happy with who we are,
Reaping the rewards of repetition, less memorable memories,
Stumbling sick with superstition in the safety of disease,
But come morning better angels will be beating down our doors,
With tools in hand, their best-laid plans will build us better wars,
Daydream a hero’s fate, but I was too late, lost on that battlefield,
Too dull to be that sword you fell on, and far too weak to be your shield,
Now left with a threadbare chair and TV glare, a dusty driver’s seat,
That unworn path and drunken sailor’s laugh, still mourning my defeat,
But I can’t go back or throw it all away, the things I never meant to be,
A castle built on compromise, a pile of clothes shaped just like me,
So maybe now is not the time to sit and count the things we’ve lost,
How can we admit defeat, when so much hell remains uncrossed?

I painted a picture in my head of a world embracing,
Now it hangs like a carrot from the tail we’re chasing,
You never made a wave in that pool you drowned in,
Still searching for a reason in the loss we’re found in,
If I became Saint Christopher you were Saint Thomas,
Building stronger walls around a broken promise,
I gave everything to make it, and you called me lucky,
Sleeping in my car somewhere in East Kentucky,
Maybe a fairytale ending wasn’t worth the hassle,
So we handed back the keys to that old kingless castle,
We all try to write a story hoping it might outlive us,
But if we tell all of our secrets then who will forgive us?
Now an angel sings a song atop your faded dresser,
Wings clipped inside a cage so that you can possess her,
And I’m still locked inside a moment that I can’t outlast,
Wondering how these years left me behind so fast,
Now tip one more glass of poison as I toast my health,
You’re still the only voice I hear when I talk to myself,
Like the shadow of an echo of your hand still waving,
A fever-dream reminder of a world worth saving,
Maybe together we can find a way to endure this path,
Fighting the current as we kick against the river’s wrath,
And we’ll never let them tell us how much we can take,
Our muscles scream for mercy, but our bones won’t break.

Bloodthirsty fangs, the skyline gleams,
Promise thick upon its haunting breath,
It feeds on screams and drifter’s dreams,
Scarred with the stains of love and death,

Come sunrise, we offer daily sacrifice,
Wrapped up in glass, put on display,
Fearful of both the payment and the price,
As the beast digests its willing prey,

And by night, we practice our disease,
Inside this lonely place where all belong,
Grey veins pump street-lit symphonies,
As the monster gently hums along.

I felt a shiver of regret as the sun burned down the stars,
In the absence of emptiness, there was nothing to claim as ours,
All I could do was shake the cinders from my weary, bleary brain,
And try to build some beauty from the ashes that remain,

I saw the world in cobwebs through the fingertips of dawn,
The only truth I know: there’s no revenge like moving on,
So I took apart my heart to help me lighten up my load,
And let the pieces point me even further down the road,

Maybe we lived like vampires, never stopping to reflect,
Tearing down the pretty castles we could no longer protect,
Your tightrope tongue painted forever in a promissory note,
As I lost hope in all the barbed wire and sand inside my throat,

Burdened with my hands of glass and eyes of tourmaline,
Broken by everything I touch, weathered by all I’ve seen,
Perhaps the sun will bring atonement, a secret I can keep,
You’ll build a better birdcage, maybe I’ll look where I leap,

For now, I’ll search for answers in the lines around my eyes,
Inhale the rotting stench of time, taste the miles and compromise,
As I walk the narrow pathway that separates lost from free,
Letting go, still I know, you’re the only road back home for me.

I skipped town before the sun went down, I’ll run before I crawl,
I suppose I meant to matter more to you, or to anyone at all,
No apologies for the toll it took, for what we lost or we became,
The wine never turned back into water, but it drowned us all the same,
You never believed a single word you said, I never say quite what I mean,
You weren’t who you were in photographs, and I wasn’t Steve McQueen,
Still you leave my toes clinging to wires, my stomach tossing in the breeze,
But I can’t turn parking lots to prairie, I can’t compete with memories,
Now a silhouette on a stranger’s floor, still dressed in last night’s clothes,
Colored numb with hesitation, Brooklyn burning in my nose,
This city wears me like your mother’s ring, like the blues that I exhaust,
But maybe I’m home in empty spaces, maybe I’ve earned all that I lost,
I know I’ll never be the one who got away, simply the boy who disappeared,
I just hope you’ll think of me and smile someday, once all the smoke has cleared.

Inhale that symptomatic silence,
with a martyr’s monstrous thirst,
Conducting symphonies of violence,
wish me well and do your worst.

Another monstrous machination,
summon me with dark decrees,
Flaunt your roadmap to salvation,
but I won’t walk there on my knees.

Seeking that softly-searing static,
sanitize stains that made us pure,
Hide from that demon in the attic,
hoping this pill conceals the cure.

Trapped atop this ****** tower,
Where our darlings fight and die,
I wish I had just one more hour,
I wish I could have said goodbye.

In the soft sulfur mines where these days went to waste,
You learned that knowing the recipe could ruin the taste,
And as those pictures of diamonds turn back into coal,
Pain killers comfort the head, but leave damaged the soul,
Your mind wanders through alleys where false lovers roam,
Leaving you with souvenirs and stories, but no place to call home,
You search for life here, between the miles and goodbyes,
While buried deep underneath these cold granite skies,
Where you dream about bright lights and running away,
Only to wake up with nobody listening and nothing to say,
Caving in before your catalytic converter heart starts to stall,
Your only mark on the world, another scratch in the wall.

Another night spent drowning, downing fuel for apathy,
Trying to forget all the great things we planned to be,
She was listing off my scars, stacking them up like cords of wood,
But it was the loneliness that burned me more than any fire could,
She said that she was homesick, I told her I was sick of home,
Sifting through these ashes of cigarettes and Styrofoam,
So this is where we stand, stranded here amongst the weeds,
Fighting for the place everyone seeks but no one needs,
I was choking on fresh air, collecting wrongs to put things right,
Drinking in despair under some desperate shade of light,
And maybe I took it on the nose, but baby I took it all to heart,
She said “tell me how it ends,” and I said “tell me where to start,”
I’ve been climbing up the walls, so tired of sleeping on the floor,
Still dependent on addictions that don’t need me anymore,
So come on let’s make a change, come on it’s time to move,
We’ve got a thousand dollars and a million prayers to prove,
And I know it’s never easy to see the battle through the war,
They’ll never build us statues, but we’re still worth fighting for,
In time, we may miss the safety of our backs against the wall,
But if we don’t run right now, we might never move at all.

With brick dust on my back,
And my chin in the air,

I had the sun in my eyes,
And you weren’t fighting fair,

It was a war of attrition,
12 years or 12 rounds,

The battle already lost,
But the bell never sounds,

So I stay on my toes,
Keep sharp, stick and move,

Feel that chip on my shoulder
I have something to prove,

The sweet taste of copper,
Blood dried out like rust,

Only me in my corner,
The only person I trust,

So I swing for the fences,
But prepare for the fall,

For you truly earn nothing,
Without risking it all.

It never felt at all peculiar,
The things I left upon the shelf,
Busy becoming something familiar,
The worst version of myself,

Faded and frayed at the seams,
She told me love never waits,
So I’m left chasing new dreams,
with longer expiration dates,

You were the sunset in June,
I was the tip of your spear,
The first sweet taste of the moon,
Burning so cold and austere,

And she asks me to breathe,
Would that be such a crime?
Maybe I deserve the reprieve,
I swear I can quite anytime,

Just one more night on the chin,
Ashamed of the blue in your eyes,
Frail fingers, cold skin,
Too late to say your goodbyes,

Another disillusion shattered,
Sunrise was calling our bluff,
She said I was there when it mattered,
I can only pray that’s enough.

With the momentum of a setting sun, the subtlety of stars,
We embrace a world that we created, still we cannot make it ours,
You walk your television talk, turn and shoot from your smile,
Ride atop your highest horse, enjoy the view from denial,
When the whole world is medicated, cure becomes the disease,
Either fall in line and be counted, or learn to fight from your knees,
They tore our cities asunder, and from ash built angrier gods,
We compromised for the children, now they consider us frauds,
Losing our souls to the static, drowning in manufactured waves,
Content to be the heroes that no one needs and no one saves,
On a slow search for Heaven, or at least more interesting sins,
But an ending is still an ending, no matter where it begins.

Dressed in dripping shadows, an angel with no wings,
She was dangling from the ceiling, a puppet with no strings,
Eyes heavy with ambition, a soul you couldn’t mend,
Handfuls of good intentions you never found a way to spend,
Now from across the table, we dissect our better times,
Like foggy silhouettes trying to color inside our lines,

Remembering that winding road that got us here,
And the one goodbye that taught us fear,
We took apart a future that we couldn’t face alone,
And built another house that we would never make a home,
I told you about a destination that I felt but couldn’t see,
And how all of that nothing still means everything to me,

Maybe this kind of talk has no place behind the neon glow,
But you know I never knew how or when to let it go,
So tonight I’ll put my better self back upon the shelf,
And try to count the years since I last felt like myself,
As I stare up at the stars, I can see them oh so clear,
Still I never figured out how to make it there from here.

On the road to forgiveness,
With rocks in my shoes,
That same song in my head,
Those battered old blues.

And it’s true what you said,
We become what we choose,
I knew how this ended,
I knew that I’d lose.

Still I tuned out the chorus,
That choir of boos,
Such well-practiced anger,
Real blood from fake news.

But I was never your martyr,
Merely paying my dues,
Embracing each failure,
And earning each bruise.

There will always be hardships,
Some ghost to accuse,
But it’s your road to wander,
Carry on or refuse.

Words don’t come so easy these days,
They no longer taste of vintage wine,
Maybe I’m the last gasp of a dying breed,
Or maybe I’m a failure by design,

You ran out of patience for tomorrow,
I ran out of hope and foolish pride,
I had no more answers I could sell you,
No more places in my head to hide,

Last night I was sleeping in an airport,
Maybe I was lost inside your smile,
Come and wake me when I get there,
Call me when I’m back in style,

I won’t apologize again for leaving,
I’m only sorry if I let you down,
But after all the oceans had run dry,
There was nowhere left for me to drown,

I told you a tale of bold surrender,
You heard a story of morose decay,
I didn’t mean to lead to this conclusion,
But I wrote it all to end this way,

The words all came so easy back then,
Burning my lips like old moonshine,
But maybe I’m still the first star you see,
Or maybe I’m the future in decline.

Another redeye, hello Sky Harbor,
I’m home to say more goodbyes,
The sun is colder where I come from,
Or more willing to compromise,

Dressed up in shiny new sunglasses,  
And worn out welcome backs,
Adrift in that unceasing river,
That froze us in our tracks,

And there was something in the water,
But no time left in the well,
Just secrets we don’t dare to whisper,
And lies we cannot help but tell,

I never thought I’d live to see forever,
Or that I’d come so far only to lose,
The road was rougher than I realized,
I couldn’t walk it in your shoes,

Maybe I was too far gone to tell you,
Or you were too far away to hear,
The cancer claimed your lungs,
And now that air will never clear,

So I’ll keep retracing every footstep,
Looking for you where I lost me,
In the space between what I became,
And who I always meant to be.

This little light of mine has lost its shine,
Turned grey and rotted on the vine,
And left no spark to light my way,
Just the sweet reward of slow decay,
And a coldness that I can’t embrace,
In this harsh and unforgiving place,
Where poets fight in search of cause,
And angels go to dull their claws,
Now shake and shiver, dance and spin,
On the grave of all the may have been,
As I seek new substance to console,
The absence of what made me whole,
With fingers warmed by sweet hindsight,
Clinging to memories still bathed in light,
Maybe I was too busy chopping firewood,
To see the fields where forests stood,
And so focused on stoking that blaze,
I lost tomorrow through the smoky haze,
Now left with only cautionary tales,
And ash beneath my fingernails,
I finally realize what I should have known,
That fire fights for itself alone.

The city screamed from far away, carnivorous call,
As those neon lights illuminated nothing at all,
I saw my whole life written on a face with no name,
30 minutes, 30 years; it still feels the same,
On a subway platform, I wore the streets as a cloak,
With murderous indifference, nobody spoke,
Adrift in the hum and shuffle, I circle empty squares,
Swimming in electric fire and unoccupied stares,
As moonlight cut the misty haze, scratching my eye,
I found myself the beginning of another goodbye,
Standing tall among the skyscrapers, drowning in shade,
An encore performance of a mess that I made,
And on the ride home, an old man played the Rising Sun,
Reminding me of the only thing I still can’t outrun.

Inside the cats stretch and purr, lick their fur by the fire,
With practiced indifference to instinct and desire,
Outside the birds rise and sing as the baby birds die,
There were bound to be casualties learning to fly,

Below the sirens ring out, cities burn in the night,
Watchers watching the watchmen with no vision in sight,
Above it all, the airwaves deliver electronic placation,
As recreational outrage replaces conversation,

Before our horses were fastened to the carousel tracks,
We felt the wind, rather than the wall to our backs,
After all, we all got older, tied with time’s rusty chains,
Fingers wedged into ears, souls sedated by stains,

Either we’ll fall to the seduction of safety’s allure,
Clutching at cobwebs and killed by the cure,
Or we’ll rediscover that small voice we tried to ignore,
And remember some battles are still worth the war.

Today, oh today, sick with rust and decay,
The clogged streets out of town that only got in your way.
Nightingale sing-song, sing cool summer nights,
Sing seashell-string houses, please turn out the lights.
We’ll be grown-ups grown up still wondering what we will be,
She said she won’t trust anyone over 30, only Jesus and me.
And I wait and I pace down the wall by the fence,
Nervous with 3am loneliness, ramshackle suspense.
Are there still windows worth watching, back dust country roads,
Some lost place love lingers, bubbles up and explodes?
You were here, I was there, are we anywhere still?
Be my sweetest regret, I’ll be your very first ****.
And today, just today, weak with strength, far away,
Swollen with promises of forever, and no intention to stay.

One more minute, one last smile,
Eyes on fire, heart on trial,
On the road and lost at sea,
A slow dance of complacency,
Burning embers, thaw and melt,
Still couldn’t tell you how I felt,
Dressed a mess in borrowed blue,
And all I did was think of you,
Faded flowers, lunar eclipse,
Warning shots from tired lips,
I fell apart, got lost and hid,
I tried. I swear to God I did,
But all in all we all forgot,
Here I come, ready for naught,
Too far to hear, too big to fail,
Let unrequited love prevail,
As I become more lost than gone,
Listening for an unplayed song,
From the only voice I ever heard,
One more second, one last word.

Letting go what might have been,
Fighting demons, courting sin,
Alone and far too lost to win,
Another day upon my chin,
Holding on, breathing in,
Running on adrenaline,
A new war within,
Just me and pen,
Synthetic skin,
Wearing thin,
Begin again,
Spin.

The temptation that the Siren sings,
A slow wave back from shore,
The sorrow that tomorrow brings,
A hundred days, a thousand more,

Casting lines of smoke and steam,
In search of great white whale,
The tragedy with which we dream,
The grace with which we fail,

A map carved upon a liar’s tongue,
Teach us to speak, but never say,
White knuckled on bottom rung,
From which we swing and sway,

As laughter consumes the setting sun,
Those echoes keep us company,
The first regret tells us we’ve just begun,
The last reminds us we’re still free,

But we awake to find familiar coasts,
Ships still bottled on their shelves,
And we realize we’re all just ghosts,
That don’t believe in themselves.

Beneath the surface, boiling blood,
A calloused, hardened soul,
Fragile hands of sticks and mud,
Still fighting for control,

On more hour, up in flames,
Another runaway train of thought,
Burn the pictures, sell the frames,
Pretend that I forgot,

Ashes, ashes, falling stars,
A prayer for reverie,
Concealed bruises, hidden scars,
Faded from skin, not memory.

Both hands in my pockets, a blank page tucked in my shoe,
Call it a list of every little thing I wouldn’t give for you,
Traded the city for salvation, but found neither kingdom nor crown,
We were too young for such silence, and far too old to settle down,
Now standing on a subway platform, New York buzzing overhead,
My skull sick with the ghosts off all the things we never said,
Pale skin caked with shadows, dull eyes lit low with fear,
Please bring me back to you, or any place that isn’t here.

As the cold breath of winter screamed,
We fell apart to be redeemed,
Then rebuilt silence through subtraction,
With the blinding speed of our inaction,
Still seeking peace in our own skin,
While dying to be young again,
As we tiptoed in our father’s shoes
And gave more than we had to lose,
We fought the fire behind our eyes,
With each incongruent compromise,
In the warmth of illuminated refrain,
And the remnants where we still remain,
Praying empathy breeds chain reactions,
Or that love can multiply these fractions,
But it’s more than we can hope tonight,
At least until summer sings its blinding light.

I felt a nagging in my beat-up brain, a whisper in my eye,
Became a drifter on a Metro train, a blister or a sigh,
Half a world away, yet still felt lost inside my head,
I’d been awake for days and you were sleeping in his bed,
All alone with strangers, midnight exhaled from cheap guitar,
The rhythm of my heart perfected on the cold wood of the bar,
Wrapped safely in the darkness that I caught but couldn’t chase,
As I searched for your lips on every lonely stranger’s face,
Forget the gutter rainbows, neon lights, the way you said “LA,”
That was another life, another night, a world I couldn’t stay,
So I’ll walk it off or walk away, pretend that makes me free,
Determined not to be the ghost you said you always saw in me,
Remember the end before eternity, the pride before the fall?
I told you everyone was broken, and you pinned it to your wall,
You said there was no glory in the selfish way I sacrifice my health,
I saw only beauty in the world, but couldn’t find it in myself,
As I retrace the Seine, that briny line, in boredom or denial,
With misdirection perfected and well-worn just like a smile,
Spent the night dissecting every word, was I the story or the eye?
Was I the thought or the reminder, was I the secret or the lie?
By the time the sunlight found me, I was faithless, I was flawed,
Lost in the shadows that surround me, I was heartsick, I was awed,
Sipping cold caffeine in Café Du Nord, I rest my weary feet,
If I’m truly lost with or without you, the latter can’t compete.

It all comes cloudy, far away,
And naked as the storm,
In costumes to keep us quiet,
And stranger’s beds to keep us warm.

A lack of answers begs the question,
Would I still be standing here,
If there was no such thing as failure,
If there was no such thing as fear?

Would I see the open road tonight,
Passing cities, hills and farms?
Or would I wait here until the end,
Dreaming of your arms?

I was lost in found forgiveness, in
the blood of autumn’s bite,
And the songs that couldn’t save me
as I drove off in the night,

In search of self-indulgent sacrifice,
and reasons not to pray,
Or just someone to understand all
that my silence tried to say.

Does it hurt more to know that you exist,
As a moment passed, or chance I missed?
Than it would to never fall under your gaze,
Or feel your light upon the coldest days?
Last night, I dreamed you never knew me,
Like a ghost, you walked straight through me,
Tonight, I’ll let that nightmare overtake me,
For fear your softest touch might break me,
So paint me as a summer’s breeze, a rose,
That never dies, but never grows,
Leave me in your yard to peel and rust,
Or on a shelf with keys and dust,
Some tattered memory, your something blue,
Anything that you might hold on to,
Because no victory, no grand success,
Would be worth it if you thought me less,
I’ve seen my best, in both peace and war,
But I don’t yearn for those days anymore,
Because no honor bestowed could ever eclipse,
The chance to be a single smile upon your lips.

I follow rainbow gutter rivers back to my empty downtown apartment.
When I was young, I looked up at these buildings in awe.
Shiny glass towers full of giants,
staring down at me, ant-like and enamored.
You looked beautiful in your wedding dress,
they said.

A decade spent selling disposable garbage to the masses,
rereading Ogilvy on Advertising and wearing uncomfortable shoes.
Today I’m one of those giants.
Do you still throw darts at my picture?
Do you ever think about me,
at all?

A thousand miles away, a little girl asks her mother,
to make her a cherry pie for her birthday.
She knows it’s my favorite.
If we have cherry pie, maybe he’ll come to my party,
she says.

Seven drinks later, I told my dad I was miserable.
A hollow shell of anything I’d ever planned to be.
He didn’t believe me.
After all, I had never let him down,
before.

The last time we saw one another, we ate dinner on the floor.
You smelled like you’d been on fire.
A week later, I found a strand of your hair in my bed,
and sighed.

It was nearly sunrise when I arrived,
leaving a trail of clothes all along my floor.
Lying in bed, I thought about how long ago yesterday was.
All those slow summer mornings,
and three-day goodbyes.

I stare down at the streets below,
as innocent wide-eyed dreamers shuffle their feet on cold sidewalks.
Somewhere a young boy leaves home for the first and last time,
and I think about how beautiful you still look,
in photographs.