I understand (to the best of an 18 year old's respectively limited understanding) how the heart works, and I know how manipulation works. I'm damaged..I don't think I know what true love might be like, but I know what it feels like to receive it. I know what soulful intimacy is like. I know what it's like to trust someone with your life, but I only know that because I didn't have a choice. I know what it is to lay my mind and body down in submission in the lap of a mad man, and bow to whatever he wants, because you know it's not him, but the "other guy" talking. I know what it's like to think you can save someone if you sacrifice yourself. I know what I thought was love.
I also know what it is to grow up and leave. I know what it is to turn around and bite the hand that fed me poison. I know what it's like to rip out and desecrate the heart of the one who thought he owned mine. I know what it is to be looked at like prey. I know what it is to feel the presence of hot breath on my neck, and have cold chills run down my body and have my stomach turn; legs twitch in anticipation of frantic flight. I know what it is to uproot my future-- my life, wrap my new tender roots in rough burlap, cram them into a small plastic bin, and run.
I know not what it is to stop seeing his truck around every corner. I know not what it is to stop looking over my shoulder. I know not what it is to not be in fear in my own stomping grounds. I know not what it is to not think every set of dim headlights on the dark, unpopulated roads riding too close behind me are him. I know not what it is to breathe easy. I know running away once is not enough.
I know
I know
I know
I know
I know
I knew what I thought was love.
I knew what I made were excuses for inexcusable actions.
I knew I was wrong
I knew he was wrong
I knew
I knEW
I KNEW
I knew he was poison..I didn't want to believe it..he was antifreeze..he was so sweet..honey and molasses and syrup and sap I was STUCK TO HIM LIKE A FLY ON FLYPAPER OH HOW I REGRET EVER SEEING HIS FACE OH GOD, and I when I left, part of me ripped away from my bones, and I'm bleeding out..
No. NO NO NO NO N--
He was a long, slow inhale of mustard gas; burning my lungs and cutting my breath short and sweet. Choking me. Choking me. Choking me.
I know what I thought was love.

My skin itches for the razor's quick, clean kiss

"Gladly lost in the depths of you"
What depths?
How am I lost?
I'm lost in a puddle.
I'm standing ankle deep in fluff; in disappointment.
Some days, I wish things were different
Some days, I wish we were two of a kind
Some days..
But I fear loving someone just like me would be terrible.
We would be a twister; a ball of flames-- so destructive, that we would burn everyone in our wake.
We would break every bed, and smash every hope and dream our parents' had for us.
We would scream and yell and decimate each other to the brink of permanent dislocation, but never over the cliff.
My, what a cliff that would be..
We would break every bone in our bodies violently explaining how "right" one of us was, but only proving how fatally stubborn we really are.
We would ride the waves of life *******.
We would shoot up the night, and drink up the tragedies like a drunk fresh out of a failed rehab stint, as they roll over us like rock crushers-- hair of the dog that bit you; it's good for poetry, they say.
Never a dull moment for us
Never a craving
Never a quiet moment
Never left wanting more
Never a deeper sadness than what we create together

But perhaps it's a mistake wanting more than you
Perhaps you're keeping me from destruction
Perhaps your holding me back is a blessing
Perhaps I need you more than my heart realizes
Perhaps it's better this way
Perhaps I don't need to ever fall in love with someone like me
Lord knows I can't seem to love myself
What makes me think I would love my true other half?

I never tell you when I'm crying
I never tell you "please don't leave me"
I never tell you how empty I feel
I never tell you about the pounding in my head, or about the overwhelming urge to talley my sleepless hours into my skin
I never tell you about the broken vessels in my eyes from the times I weep so hard I ***** up your absence I so carefully choked down
I never tell you how I wish you would give me flowers..they don't have to be fancy..
I never tell you what a fool I am
I never tell you about how selfish I really am
I never tell you about how badly I want you here; about how lost I am without you
I never tell you about how badly I want to dance with you
I never tell you how I wish you would tell me I'm beautiful every chance you get
I never tell you how when I see you disconnect, I cry and cry and cry
I never tell you how I bet you're fine without me
I never tell you how I want to spend the best years of my life with you
I never tell you how lonely I am
I never tell you
I never tell you
I never tell you
I never

Silence has become the sweetest melody
I hear things I cannot reproduce
Songs with too much meaning to convey
Silence is not golden
It's raw
Raw like my feet in high heels
Raw like your words
Raw like a crack of thunder
Raw like a cry of remorse
Raw
Raw
Raw
I cannot breathe

9/20/13

I just want to bury my face in your neck
Breathe you in
Breathe me out
They're like little speed bumps
Crawling
Sprawled across my body
Slow down
Slow
Slow
No
Stop
Stop
Running your fingers over them
Like they're beautiful
Like I'm beautiful
Elsewhere they're like large print Braille
I'm in love with such painful reminders
Not pain
But the memories
I have a hard time remembe...

Someday you'll see every inch of me
And you'll read between every line
And I will be so ashamed.

You will never know the hatred and the anger behind the ripples you will ever so carelessly run your hands over

I feel a FILTH in my bones.

Oh, my mind,
Be but a flicker of sanity
Leave me be
Leave. Me. Be.

1/5/14

I had hoped to find a sort of love this fall. One that might have kept me warm through the winter.
I had hoped to make treats and nice things for someone who liked me enough to kiss my face.
I had hoped to find someone who would waste Saturdays at home with me watching Netflix.
I had hoped to find someone to pour my heart into- even if only for a moment.
I had hoped to find someone I could write about- someone who would be good to me.
Hoped.