Why cant I just be normal

normal brain
normal body
normal problems
normal family
normal wants
normal needs

normal life


why do I try so hard to only fall behind

I took away what held me together
And now i have fallen apart
All the dark secrets ive hidden inside me bled out through my cuts & scars
The loneliness of my spirit has left a crowded life
I left what could have saved me
I left what could have helped me
And now i breathe in the pollution thats inside my mind
I brainwashed myself into thinking i was ok
I couldnt see how i was because i was blinded with the pain
As i met who i was deep inside, i learned to accept the change within myself
I was addicted to a mind that stays inside;
Trapping me so i cant hide
I thought i was normal when i was full of guilt
I thought i was normal when i was full of anger
I thought i was normal when i was abusive
I thought i was normal when i was changing my thoughts
I thought i was normal when i was turning my back away from people
I thought i was normal when i was avoiding people
I thought i was normal of every single behaviour i had made
I thought i was normal when i was full of tears everyday
I thought i was normal to crave my fears
I thought i was normal to look for my nightmares
I thought i was normal to fall in love with the stranger i have created

I just don’t understand,
How can a man live among us?
At work, play, passing the time of day.
Normal.
Normal.
Normal – tinker.
– ****** a child, abuse, ****** –
Normal.
Normal.
Normal – tailor.
So, there are monsters: truly!
Vile depraved horrors masquerading as people.
At work, play, passing the time of day.
Normal.
Normal.
Normal – soldier.
– *****, evil, scumbag –
Twisted.
Twisted.
Twisted – killer.
Take care, always be aware.
An unassuming face, in or out of place.
I just don’t understand, cannot understand.
Tinker.
Tailor.
Soldier – Murderer!

© Paul Chafer 2014

I never believed in the idea of Normal
When it’s very presence has indicated a
Division
Between people who fit and people who don’t.
Normal is the thing that points at all of you
And calls you different.
I’ve known the phrase ‘that’s not Normal’
And I’ve had the blessing of not
Caring weather I was.
But do not walk up to someone and say they aren’t
Normal.
The entire concept of not being or being Normal
Only divides.
Everyone is their own.
And we are all our own.
And that puts us here together.
We are not alone in our loneliness.
So don’t make someone think they
Are.
Because we aren’t.
We aren’t alone.
And the important thing is that we’re
Together in our difference.
So so what?
So what if no one’s Normal.

so i guess i have to act normal around you
because you can't know you broke my heart
but what's normal?
because before, when i loved you, i wasn't normal
i was flirty and giggly and touching your hair
i was texting and smiling and laughing at all your jokes
and that's not normal
but maybe i still love you
because i still watch your lips when you talk
and that's not normal
but what is?

Arriving at the event,
His words replay in my head:
“Don’t be shy, be polite,
And just act like a normal person.”

Excuse me, what did you just say?
Act like a normal person?
Who the hell are you to talk to me like that?

How does one act normal?
There’s no such thing as normal.

I think I know what you mean,
But you didn’t use the right words.
You say “act normal” but you really mean
“Blend in, be white noise, don’t stand out.”

How dare you tell me to ‘act normal’.
I want to be many things in life, but normal isn’t one of them.
I want to be brilliant, beautiful, loved, successful,
Talented, joyful, charitable, selfless.

I want to be so many things in this big world,
But normal is not one of them.
I refuse to accept to blend into the crowd.

I’m not normal.
I’m just me.
And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

The curtain falls, a veil between
Thinly drawn emotions, more than they seem.

Her hair falls to shade a radiant face,
I cannot scream in a hollow place.

He loves me true, he loves me not.
The stage lights up, I want his passion hot.

Or cold?
She fears this is getting old.

In likeness of a failing fight,
Fly then run, walking through a torn night.

"It's normal" I say to the soul in my eyes,
But I cry that night, but everyone cries.

I don't think he does, and so do you,
On top of all this I must watch my own heart too?

It's normal I tell her, but this lie I have loved isn't
I bleed from my heart.
I plead for my art.
Is it normal to crash down, feeling so distant?

This play put on by us in youth,
This show of passions, far from absolute truth.

The vapor pours from their thin lips,
The smoke clears, black gold cascading from her hips.

Is it normal to crawl against the wall?
To bite at the night and scream and call?

Call for his name to pierce the dark,
To open the curtain, to erase the mark.

Her windows, thrown wide, show the same play as me,
And shut they hold all of my fragility.

That night I fought my own skirmish hard,
That night fate dealt you a burning card.

Is it normal? This lavish dance?
These worrying minds in the vast expanse.
It may not be normal. Or maybe, it is...
Maybe our minds are just torn like his.

It seems every day,
In some way,
I become more like my father.

I remember telling you I was never gonna be like him.
I remember you telling me that you'd never be like yours.
And I remember thinking
"But your father isn't so bad at all."

I remember that, at the time, I felt ridiculously guilty for thinking that.

I don't feel so bad anymore.

I am becoming more like my father,
Because it feels like I'm constantly breaking promises
To people who were stupid enough to think
That I would keep them.
Because I am constantly breaking promises
To people who were stupid enough to think
I'd always love them.

The reason I am not like my father,
Is because I was stupid too.
It's because I was also stupid enough
To think that I could keep those promises.
I was stupid enough
To think I'd be able to love those people forever.

But, the problem is,
I am horrible at forgiving,
And I'm even worse at forgetting.

I remember one of the promises I made to you.
It was that I would always think fondly of you, no matter what.
Even if we stayed friends.
Even if we drifted apart.
Even if we never ever spoke again.

Today, I remembered how very much I hate you.

And today I also thought, verbatim,
"At least I don't look like an unfortunately pear-shaped crypt keeper like her."

I like to pretend that I didn't start hating you until a little towards the end of last year,
When I started dating the boy I've loved for more than a decade.

I like to try to convince myself of that.
I like to pretend that if that's how it happened, then I can act like I was a good friend, a good person, for a little longer than I was.

But the truth is,
I remember the day I started to hate you.

I remember when one of our mutual friends asked
If I still had a crush on "that guy from fifth grade".
I tried to tell her I didn't,
But that was a lie
And everyone involved in that conversation
Could tell
From how red I was turning.

I remember how deeply she frowned.
I remember her telling me
That you liked him too.

I remember how angry I was.
I remember almost throwing up.
I remember trying to convince myself
That it wasn't true.

I remember asking you.
I was laughing.
I was trying to act like I didn't believe it.

I remember you telling me it was true.
I also remember you telling me that you weren't going to act on it
Because of your "daddy issues" and your "trust issues"
And that even though you liked him a whole lot,
And lots of people had told you that he liked you too,
That you didn't really trust him.
"Besides," I remember how sweetly you smiled when you said this,
"It won't last long. And I kinda like watching him squirm."

You were trying to joke around,
You thought it would make me laugh,
Becquse at that point
I was kind of known for my dark sense of humor
And violent tendencies.

I remember how angry I was at you.
I remember wanting to scream at you.
I remember how hot my tears were.
I remember exactly what I wanted to say.

I wanted to tell you that there was no way you could possibly ever love him the way I did.
I remember wanting to tell you that I didn't care how close you two were, how well you knew him.
That I didn't care if he loved you or whatever.
I wanted to tell you that you could never ever possibly even imagine to care as much as I did.

You were too dishonest.
You were too fake.
You were too normal,
And I wanted to say that there was no way a ******* normal person
Could even fathom possessing
More love than I did.

But all I said to you,
After being too quiet for too long, was
"I have to go."

I remember rushing into the bathroom.
I remember throwing up.
I remembering sobbing on the bathroom floor for thirty minutes,
And when I went back to my class,
My teacher set me to the guidance counselor.
I sat in there for an hour and a half.
I refused to talk the entire time.
She ended up calling my dad,
And telling him that I needed some type of professional therapy
And that I should probably see a psychiatrist too.

What I remember that I didn't tell you,
Or anyone else, for that matter,
Was that I was sure that I would lose this.

Because you were, at this time, prettier than me.
And I was so sure he would fall head over heels for you.
And I remember thinking "How could he not?"
Because you were smart
And confident
And funny
And friendly
And charming
And nice,
And wore normal clothes
Like a normal person
And liked normal things
And had a normal family
And a normal house
And a normal life.

And isn't that all anyone would want?
Someone normal?

Because I sure as hell wasn't normal.
I was morbid
And spazzy
And I only ever wore black
Or dark red
Or dark purple.
And I carried around stuffed animals and dolls
And hid them in my locker or backpack
So people wouldn't think I was a complete basketcase.
And my mother was dying,
And my father was an alcoholic,
And my older brother was violent and angry
And I was the one raising my little brothers
And I always had bruises and cuts and scars
And I would only pretend to eat.
I didn't always have a house to live in
Or a bed to sleep in.
I even slept in the park
Across from the movie theatre
A few times.

And I was so sure,
That if you didn't already,
That you would absolutely love him.
I mean, how could you not?
He's sweet
And handsome
And kind
And smart
And polite
And (usually) gentle
And funny
And compassionate.

Before I had met him,
I didn't realize how drastically a person's eyes change in shade
When they care about someone
And that someone is hurt.

I didn't realize
How powerful a person's voice could be.
How a smile laced between words could make you feel like flying,
Or how being able to actually hear someone out up their walls
From how they're talking to you,
Can make you feel like you're dying.

I quickly learned what it felt like to love someone,
And to lose them,
Without even ever really having them.

Sometimes, I miss you.
Or, I miss who I thought you were.
Who you pretended to be.

I look at him,
And my heart bursts with color.

I think about you using him,
And I am drowning in inky, black rage.

I think about how he loved you,
And it kills me.
If the bravado you put on
Had really been who you were,
There would have been no way
That he would love me.

But that wasn't who you were.

You and I are very similar.
I mean, there has to be a reason he loved you then,
And me now.

Neither of us know how to successfully create bonds between ourselves and other people.
We don't know how to become a part of someone else.

The difference is,
You pretend to.
You create bonds,
So you can use people
To meet the ends
You so desire.

While I,
I tell them how badly it could go.
How I might not ever be able to entirely accept or believe that they love me.

The difference is,
You don't know how to create bonds.
So you make them for the sole purpose of using people
As though they are objects.
As though they are a means to an end.

And while I do not know how to make bonds,
I want to.
I desperately want to.
I don't want to love the people I love from a distance.
I want to love them up-close,
In real-time.

I want to help them.
I want to nurture them.
I want to make them smile.

The difference is,
I admit I'm a monster.
But at least I have a heart.

While you,
You are a monster that is pretending to be a person.

is it normal
to grow deathly afraid
of the bacteria in your throat
is it normal
to pleasure your system
when you don't even smoke
is it normal
to be in love with the warmth
when it knocks you out
is it normal
to space out in class
and live in the clouds
is it normal
to dream about him
though he doesn't know your name
no, i guess
it's not normal
but should i be ashamed?

My God I want to be normal, but I ain't.
Make me normal, dear God, make me the same as everyone else.

Give me, dear God, the charisma of the normal. I want to be Norman Normal, with your grace.

We all love those just like ourselves, we love the normal, and we try to be normal too.

I want to be loved by everyone, and everyone loves the normal.

I prayed to the Devil, "Make me normal, and take my soul.".

"Sorry mate", said the Devil, "We only take normal souls".

"Why's that?", I asked.

"The normal", said the Devil, "Are easy to process, like sausages".

I just want to be a normal sausage, "Sorry mate", said the Devil, "Look, you're a bit of a ******, you don't fit in, not even in the Fires of Hell".

"But look, we have a special deal, for the strange, spare, and dappled, it is called psychotherapy. It will convert all your longings into acceptance".

"Wouldn't you like to be accepted, wouldn't you like to come in out of the cold"?

"Join us around the fire. Sweet Mole, Macho Mole".

I'm normal,
I'm normally so normal that it hurts,
I'm normally so normal that I normally cannot see if I am normal,
I'm normally so normal that being normal is stressful,
I'm so normal that I wanted to write something that was so normal  to prove how normally normal I can be.

When people are shocked when they hear
About the things you did to me
I am always met with a strange level of surprise
For many years
I led my life believing this is normal
That everyone faces some form of abuse
At some point in their life.
Maybe it's because my normal
Has always been feeling stranded
Feeling empty
Because I don't know how to feel anything else.
Maybe it's because my normal
Has been for over a decade
That this is just how things are
As though it has been viciously branded to my body.
Maybe it's because my normal
Includes me proudly exposing my scars
So I can help others heal theirs.
Maybe it's because my twisted normal
Has made this everything I see.
I cannot say that the way he touches me
Does not bring up memories of the way you violated me.
I cannot say that the smell of mushrooms
Though vile to most people
Does not bring up a specific image in my mind of your bed.
Then mixed messages tell you
"It's your fault"
"It wasn't abuse"
"He should be in jail"
"Why wouldn't you prosecute?"
"You should hate him"
And you just want to shut out the noise
So you can soundly make a decision on your own
But they keep hounding
And you lose the ability to cope
So you take a knife to your arm
And a handful of pills
So maybe you can just have silence
For once.
Parents find you
And therapy becomes crucial
In which she tells me
That I am safe
I am okay
I am fine.
However, I will never be fine
Because I can never accept what you did to me
But I have moved on because I am worth it.
Letting you control all of me
Thoughts, behaviors and actions
Is like letting you get away with this atrocity.
It's like letting you tell me this is my fault
When it's no one but your own.
Although, when people ask me why I don't hate you
It's because you do not get the satisfaction of any of my strong feelings.
However, it is also because
You were a teenager
If people knew everything I got into at fourteen
There would be some pretty incriminating details there as well.
But the main reason why I will never exert anger toward you
Is because I got over this traumatic event not by hating your existence
But by loving my own.

Imagine if I was normal
With normal thoughts and normal feelings
In a normal family in a normal house

But why be normal
Because if I were normal

…

I wouldn't have you

Is it normal to still be thinking about him?
I mean, it's clear that he's over it.
Or at least, he might be.
Is it normal for me to still like him.
Even though he hurt me.
Because he did, hurt me.
I wanna be mad at him.
But I don't think I can anymore.
I mean, he really is a nice guy.
So, is it normal for to still like him?
Actually, no.
Is it normal for me to still love him?
Because I think I still do.
There's not a doubt in my mind.
That if he asked me to make up.
I would say yes.
Is it normal to feel this way?
Since he was my first boyfriend.
I really don't know what's normal.
All I know is that I've never felt like this.
So I really need someone to let me know.
When it comes to how I feel about him.
Is it normal?

What is normal?
We live in a world where everything seems normal.
It's normal to have two eyes and one head.
It's normal to live on a ball floating in a limitless void.
It's normal to have two sexes for procreation.
It's normal for the sky to be blue and the grass to be green.
Everything we see seems normal to us.
But what else can we believe? We're custom made for the place.
How would we feel if we had six eyes and four feet?
How would we feel if the sky was pink and the grass was orange?
How would we feel if the world was flat and went on forever.
If born into this kind of universe we'd feel it's normal.
Normal is a relative term.
Question everything, because nothing is normal.

No one knows the horrible thoughts within my head,
I grow tired of faking normal.
I look into the mirror and hate who is staring back.

The daymares are worse than the nightmares because they come without warning.
It is hard to fake normal when the daymares come and tears stream and the shaking begins.
I run for a place to close a door and lock it.
Lock out the world and grab my hair and pull and pull so hard that I try to pull the scenes out of my head.

I see them over and over every day. I hear the sounds. I lose my breath when the triggers come.
I tell my doctor that I am tired of faking normal.
I ask for medicine that will make me feel numb.

He asks me, "When was the last time you were happy?"
I pause, I think. I don't  remember.
My family doesn't understand so I have to fake normal.
I tell him I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Do something.
He says. I want you to seek counseling.
NO. It doesn't work.
Please.
NO. Just give me something so I won't think anymore.

I know that this PTSD is winning. Faking normal is coming to an end.
My doctor looks at me for the first time with the saddest eyes and says, "I'm worried about you."
I think to myself, You should be.

She said, "Why can't you just be normal."
In her accusatory tone.
I knew my answer wouldn't faze her
Still I felt it important to defend my case.

"Normal huh,
Is that how I was raised,
Is that what you want from me,
Is mediocrity something I should strive for."
Her gaped mouth tightened,
But before she could form her rebuttal,
I began again.

"I want more than normal,
I want neon lit dreams,
On a high-def highway.
So that even in the darkest night,
They'll be illuminated in bright crystal.
I want more from myself than anyone could ever hope to beg out of me."

Her face had softened by now,
Shoulders dropping
As if taking their first vacation in almost 2 decades.
Her back was now lost in the sofa
Seeing my opening,
I continued.

"I don't have normal interests.
I don't have a normal family.
I couldn't see normal
From the highest peak of my life,
And even if I could, I wouldn't go on that journey.
I want more."

By now her face had changed in my eyes.
A muddy blur of someone stuck,
Stuck wishing for something.
Something that she lost over the years.
She lost control,
And so she still grasped
For what she had remembered it feeling like.

There had been a coup.
A new ruler had emerged.
Now, finally ruled by the hands and feet
That would build this path.
And walk this journey.
Regardless of plan or purpose.
My future was mine.

You sat there, wrapped in a tumble of blankets
Blankly staring out of the window
You told me you had depression
That you had had it before I was even born
That it runs in our family

I was chocked
chocked on all the horrible things I had said to you
How terribly I treated you

You told me your medication hadnt been working, that you had gone off your depressants because you had felt well enough, although you seemed to have crashed
Doctors had put you back on your depressants
You told me that you would be back to "normal" in three weeks time
but three weeks later my father stayed behind a closed bedroom door with you, your sister rushed into our house.
I knew it was something to do with you
"Her medication isnt working" thats all my father told me

That night I didnt see you or my dad all night long
2:00 am
My dad walked through the front door,
Tired eyes gazing over at me
My mother had been admitted to the psychiatric unit in the hospital
She was there to get her medication adjusted
It was just a short amount of time she was to be in there.

Every evening we would make a trip to the hospital
I started to wonder how the "normal" would ever return
I dont think "normal" could be achieved ever again

one week

You were discharged,
All you did was sleep it seemed
Where was my mother

two more days
You relapsed
My dad told me that you had a plan to end it all, that you were no good for the family.
I remember how much you told me you loved me
I didnt see you or dad that night

You were to be in the hospital longer than the "first time"
Visiting every night
You were surrounded by other patients with all sorts of mental illnesses
You reassured me that it would all be
Normal
again.

That next week you came home.
Nothing is normal
Normal is abnormal now.

normal was such an extravagant word
made for the so called perfect people of the world
a normal did perfect things

who's to say I'm not normal
I'm perfect in my own way
I guess that in my little world I'm normal to me
Im fun, weird, and i make mistakes
but that doesn't give anybody reasons to say
I'm not Normal

Uncomfortable within this skin.
My joints complain
and muscles scream.

But people say, "It's normal.
It's more common than you think."

My mind in shambles.
Ideas incoherent
and thought processes
sluggish at best.

But people say, "It's normal.
It's more common than you think."

My emotions are in
total disarray.
I'm not happy
yet I'm not anything at all.

But people say, "It's normal.
It's more common than you think."

My insides twisting,
splitting.
Every grain and fibre
set on fire.

But people say, "It's normal.
It's more common than you think."

If this is normal,
I'm petrified with
the prospect of
what isn't.

is this
the new normal?

yelling fights
drunkenly spilt
words that never
should have been said

crying myself
to sleep for
the third
night in a row

feeling alone
surrounded
by my
best friends

helpless
and lost
confused
and rejected

is this
the new normal?

i want to believe
this is temporary
that our tears of
anger will turn to
tears of laughter
soon enough

that i’ll fall asleep
and wake up
every morning
by your side
and won’t spend the
whole night tossing
and turning with
anxiety ridden possibilities

but maybe this
is the new normal

this is
what we
all wanted

this is
the goal we
worked towards

but miserable
is not where
any of us thought
we would be

and i knew
it would be hard
but i never thought
it would be this hard

i’ve gone through
rough patches
fought my way through
muddy swamps and
thick vines with sharp
thorns that ripped my skin

but always because
i was left there
never before because
i walked myself into it

but is this
the new normal?

pushing you away
because holding you
just reminds me
you still have to leave

i’m tired
of this

all i want is
a kiss that
isn’t given to
say goodbye

all i want is this
nightmare to end
and a new normal that
doesn’t feel like a mistake

this is what
we all wanted

but i thought
i was stronger than
the hard times
and here i am
all my resolve gone
cold and brittle
and i’m cracking
under pressure

all i want is to
take care of myself
without help
from anyone else

you held me close
and promised you would
take care of me until
i could take care of myself

but i’ve never known
any kind of tape or net
that could stop
a landslide from falling

if this is the new normal
i’ve started to wonder
what was so bad
with the old one

Tired of being called names and listening to complaints from your partner because you snore at night?

But more than that, it is important to keep a check on your snoring as an excess of it can be an indicator of many diseases, one of them being sleep apnea, says Dr Kaushal Sheth, ENT surgeon, "People develop sleep apnea when their airway collapses partially or completely during sleep due to various medical conditions. This causes the oxygen levels in the blood to decrease and can be potentially life threatening when it becomes obstructive sleep apnea."

Elaborating on it further, Dr Jayashree Todkar, bariatric surgeon and obesity consultant says "Snoring is an indication of obstacles in a person's breathing. When excessive fat accumulates around the stomach, the lungs do not get ample space to expand when we inhale oxygen; this in turn leads to obstacles in the process of inhalation-exhalation."

However, there are many myths surrounding snoring which is a very common problem. To sleep better one must get rid of the myths that surround snoring and only accept the facts, says Dr Viranchi Oza, BDS as he gives us a lowdown of some stories around snoring:

Myth: Everybody snores, therefore it's normal.

Fact: Snoring is not a normal condition. Labelling it as 'normal' diminishes the seriousness of the condition. Snoring is not just about annoying your partner, it is a sign that the body is struggling to breathe properly during the night. Snoring on a frequent or regular basis has been associated with hypertension and can also be an indication of sleep apnea (pauses in breathing). Sleep apnea sufferers have been reported to have diminished gray cells in their brains, most likely due to the oxygen deprivation of untreated sleep apnea. If left untreated, sleep apnea increases the risk of cardiovascular disease over time. In addition, insufficient sleep affects growth hormone secretion that is linked to obesity. As the amount of hormone secretion decreases, the chance of weight gain increases.

Myth: Snoring only affects the health of the snorer.

Fact: Snoring doesn't just negatively affect the health of the person snoring, but also the health of the person lying next to them in bed. A typical snorer usually produces a noise that averages around 60 decibels (about the level of vacuum cleaner), but with some people this can reach 80 or even 90 decibels (about the level of an average factory). Sleeping with a partner who snores during the night has been shown to increase the blood pressure in the other person, which may be dangerous for their health in the long term. Snoring also causes the partner to have fragmented sleep and lose up to one hour of sleep

every night.

Myth: Snoring comes from the nose, so if I unclog my nose, my snoring will stop.

Fact: Having a stuffy nose can definitely aggravate snoring and sleep apnea, but in it's not the cause. A recent study showed that undergoing nasal surgery for breathing problems cured sleep apnea in only 10% of patients. Snoring vibrations typically come from the soft palate, which is aggravated by having a small jaw and the tongue falling back. It's a complicated relationship between the nose, the soft palate and the tongue.

Myth: I know I don't snore, or have apnea. I am fine.

Fact: Don't ignore your wife when she tells you that your snoring doesn't let her sleep. When a partner snores it is very difficult for the spouse to sleep. There are people who snore excessively and suffer from sleep apnea, but feel absolutely normal. However, snoring increases their risk of getting a heart attack and stroke. The only definitive way to prove that you don't have sleep apnea is by taking a sleep test. Screening questionnaires like the GASP or the Epworth have shown high reliability in identifying patient risk for sleep apnea.

Myth: If I lose weight, I'll cure myself of sleep apnea.

Fact: Sometimes. It's definitely worth trying, but in general, it's very difficult to lose weight if you have sleep apnea. This is because poor sleep aggravates weight gain by increasing your appetite. Once you're sleeping better, it'll be easier to lose weight. This is the one ingredient with many dietary and weight loss programs that's missing or not stressed at all. It's not enough just to tell people to sleep more.

Myth: Health problems such as obesity, diabetes, hypertension and depression have no relation to the amount and quality of a person's sleep.

Fact: More and more scientific studies are showing a correlation between poor quality sleep and insufficient sleep with a variety of diseases. Blood pressure is variable during the sleep cycle, however, interrupted sleep negatively affects the normal variability. Recent studies have shown that nearly 80% cases of hypertension, 60% cases of strokes and 50% cases of heart failures are actually cases of undiagnosed sleep apnea. Research indicates that insufficient sleep impairs the body's ability to use insulin, which can lead to the onset of diabetes. Fragmented sleep can cause a lowered metabolism and increased levels of the hormone Cortisol which results in an increased appetite and a decrease in one's ability to burn calories.

Myth: Daytime sleepiness means a person is not getting enough sleep.

Fact: Do you feel very sleepy even during the day despite the fact that you had a long night of proper sleep? Excessive daytime sleepiness can occur even after a person gets enough sleep. Such sleepiness can be a sign of an underlying medical condition or sleep disorder such as narcolepsy or sleep apnea. Please seek professional medical advice to correctly diagnose the cause of this symptom.

Myth: Getting just one hour less sleep per night than needed will not have any effect on your daytime functioning.

Fact: This lack of sleep may not make you noticeably sleepy during the day. But even if you've got slightly less sleep, it can affect your ability to think properly and respond quickly. It can compromise your cardiovascular health and energy balance as well as the ability to fight infections, particularly if the pattern continues. Lack of sleep has also been associated with road accidents (up to 60% of road accidents involve lack of sleep) and air crashes (Air India Mangalore plane crash in 2010 was due to lack of sleep). Sleeping for less than six hours a night is equivalent to legal levels of alcohol intoxication.

Myth: Sleep apnea occurs only in older, overweight men with big necks.

Fact: Although the stereotypical description does fit people in the extreme end of the spectrum, we now know that even young, thin women that don't snore can have significant obstructive sleep apnea. Sleep apnea begins with jaw structure narrowing and later involves obesity. It's estimated that 90% of women with this condition are not diagnosed. Untreated, it can cause or aggravate weight gain, depression, anxiety, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, heart attack and stroke.

Myth: Snoring can't be treated.

Fact: Have you given up on your snoring thinking that it cannot be treated? There are many different options for treating snoring.

Some treatment options are rather drastic, possibly requiring surgery or prescription drugs, but prior to exploring such options it would be wise to first seek out alternative treatments. You must visit a sleep specialist to get the right diagnosis.

Myth: Extra sleep at night can cure you of problems with excessive daytime fatigue.

Fact: Not only is the quantity of sleep important but also the quality of sleep. Some people sleep eight-nine hours a night but don't feel well rested as the quality of their sleep is poor. A number of sleep disorders and other medical conditions affect the quality of sleep. Sleeping more won't alleviate the daytime sleepiness these disorders or conditions cause. However, many of these disorders or conditions can be treated effectively with changes in behaviour or with medical therapies.

Myth: Insomnia is characterised only by difficulty in falling asleep.

Fact: There are four symptoms usually associated with insomnia:

- Difficulty falling asleep

- Waking up too early and not being able to get back to sleep

- Frequent awakenings

- Waking up feeling tired and not so fresh

Insomnia can also be a symptom of a sleep disorder or other medical, psychological or psychiatric problems. Sometimes, insomnia can really be a case of undiagnosed sleep apnea.Read more here:www.marieaustralia.com/long-formal-dresses | www.marieaustralia.com/bridesmaid-dresses

I am tired of this dream, of this reality, forever pleading for insanity, knowing, wishing for this to leave me. I know it chases me, I see it never leaves me, a consumption to which meets no end… This insanity is something that brings the sane to their bow, it lets them see something ‘normal’, ’normal’. ‘Normal’, quite the interesting word, “conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected: it's quite normal for people to cry”. Normal, it’s what people strive for, work towards, and the people that don’t, fall. They never get up, people tell them “Get up!”, “Shake it off!”, never looking more than the skin deep, they don’t see any pain. On the inside they tremor, knowing they will never be their image, knowing they’ll never be normal. So what do they do? well most let that pain consume them, and their world becomes a void, non-existent of care or happiness, and dreams, the slim shutter between pain and joy; continue to fade. Others decide to stand, some can grab onto what’s left of reality while others, they sink faster, spiral into more pain, more depression, into reality, into themselves, until…. until they hit the truth when they can’t fall any more, they stand up high, higher than those that made them low, just to tie the last part of their life, a noose around their neck

After the New New Normal

What happens
After another new normal
When we try to become just normal
When we try to put life back
Can we recreate some semblance of order
Like before
Or are things forever changed
What happens after the new new normal
Is there yet another one
Are we safe
Is it over
Or does it return
With more vengeance
What happens to the new normal
When it becomes just normal
Is the time before
Gone forever

There is some kind of madness in this world
that paralyzes, and makes all the sunsets appear in sad little puddles
divided, and broken down narrow city streets
and it's been a warm and mad summer
full of what is normal, but strange - hardly any bugs
and things are as they are: normal and mad
It's been a summer of talk and talk is normal, but not always mad
not always true or distorted or candy coated
but this summer there is plenty of candy at play
and plenty of truth and good old fashion lies, all normal
and many pray like romans these days
asking for the sweet toffee madness to be delivered
on cool carmel apples in the bugless heat of a summer swell
the summer pulses like a heart watching and dwelling in the heat
overheating, unswollen, and normal baking in the sun like a scarecrow
droned and hollow to the sight, all normal
soon the summer will fade, make a transition without notice
and flop lifelessly on the ground like a fish
all the lucky prayers, and candymen will join hands and rejoice
walking in a circle around the lifeless summer scarecrow fish
with madness in their eyes, all normal, sweaty, and bugless
maybe evil, but evil is normal
maybe better, but better is never defined just right
and all will be glad and normal
for fall is here
and we've written, finally, the book of life

All things dull and normal
All people look the same
All things are but formal
With quite forgettable names

Each ear another one to lie to
Each mouth another one to feed
We're all but a statistic
And a very ugly one indeed

All things dull and normal
All people look the same
All things are but formal
With quite forgettable names

Hypocrites in their pedestals
As the sloths complain
The truth is hypothetical
And the self-righteous disdain

All things dull and normal
All people look the same
All things are but formal
With quite forgettable names

The sky scraping towers
The roads of traffic and rush
Beauty is only in the papers
And the tip of the artist's brush

All things dull and normal
All people look the same
All things are but formal
With quite forgettable names

Cold hearts shame the winter
Causing more damage than flood
We are but the earth's splinter
And we hunger for blood

All things dull and normal
All people look the same
All things are but formal
With quite forgettable names

Tomorrow is but a conjecture
Today is what we're worth
Will our children even have a future?
Or have we aborted them by birth?

All things dull and normal
All people look the same
All things are but formal
With quite forgettable names

We have guts for feeling
We have eyes to see
But indifference is more appealing
I hope it's just me

All things dull and normal
All people look the same
All things are but formal
With quite forgettable names

Sometimes I wonder if my suicide attempt actually worked and this is just hell i'm living in now.
Like I’m just another part of the statistic.
Research has shown that around 70 percent of people with BPD will have at least one suicide attempt in their lifetime, and many will make multiple suicide attempts, and people with BPD are more likely to complete suicide.
Sometimes I stand and everything goes black, and the static in my head gets louder and louder.
Sometimes I cry, sobbing between heaving- but not often because it’s hard for me to display emotions normally.
We’re supposed to be constantly feeling things at an intensified level than neurotypicals.
Sometimes I get distant. I disassociate from myself and exist somewhere in between reality and the void.
It’s hard for me to say sorry to those I hurt in the process of me hurting myself.
I can’t sit still.
My mind’s moving 100 mph and it’s almost impossible to slow it down.
Countless flashbacks play in the back of my mind on a reel. Like a horror flick I can’t get out of.
Like I’m in a nightmare and everything in me is saying run but my legs won’t move.
When you have BPD you can’t really control your emotions.
It’s an emotional switch that flips. Like the breaker box is shot and all the wires are frayed.
I wear his T-shirt’s when he’s gone to remind me that he still exists. His smell on the pillowcase is the only reminder that he was even here, that it was real.
When you have BPD nothing seems real. You often question if you really do exist.
A friend asked me why I write everything down and turn it into a poem. The only way I can assure myself it really happened is to let it live on through my art.
Everyday I wake up and ask myself if I can just be normal today. Be a normal sister, a normal girlfriend, a normal human being. I always set my expectations far too high.
It may not mean much to him but his slightly different demeanor has me in a state of panic fueled by my overwhelming fear of rejection and abandonment.
I live with this everyday and some days it’s harder to push all the fears to my subconscious.
It’s like I’m falling rapidly down a mountainside and the sudden occurrence of fear in overwhelming quantities is crushing my chest. Clogging my windpipe, making it seemingly impossible to breathe.
Living with BPD is the equivalent of constantly being at war with yourself. You don’t get quiet moments.
But I sustain myself on the idea that everything will be okay.
Everything’s okay.
I’m okay.  
And people ask me why I can’t just shut it off, as if it is that easy.
I’m doing everything I can to stop the voices in my head from screaming over his whisper in my ear.
I find comfort in the fact that he loves me despite the chaos. I sustain myself on the fact that he loves me. That’s all the justification needed.
I know he’s probably sick of always putting me back together, but his touch makes all the sharp edges fit perfectly together.
I have no impulse control.
But I am slowly accepting my disease, and I remember to not let it define me.
I’m learning to cope, and I have to remember to be kind to myself.
If you’re struggling with mental illness, please remember to be kind to yourself.
If some days you need to stay in bed, that’s okay.
If some days you forget to take your medication, that’s okay.
If some days you act on your impulses, that is okay.
Don’t hide yourself from the world because you are different.
You are radiant, you are celestial, you are loved.
Always remember you matter.
May is BPD awareness month and my only goal is to speak to other through my story.
If you or someone you know is struggling with BPD, educate yourself on the symptoms and traits.
Let’s raise awareness for Borderline Personality Disorder

Sorry* you say when you are little
And then everything is back to normal
         Back to the ways things were before
                       happy and innocent

Sorry you say when you are older
And then most things go back to normal
          Almost back to the way things were before
                        almost happy and innocent

Sorry you said as you fell to the floor cold and lifeless
And then nothing is back to normal
          Nothing is back to the way things were before
                         no longer happy and innocent

But how can things go back to normal?
     How can you say 'sorry' as you are on the floor cold and lifeless
             How do you expect me to go back to normal, to the way things were before?

Sorry is all I see, all I hear
Sorry is never 'back to normal'

I wish I was a normal girl.
The kind that smiles while she dances around in circles,
Having the wind laughing along whipping her dress around.
The kind that has happy thoughts swirling around in her head,
as she looks up at the stars in the sky.
Instead I cry.
I wish I was a normal girl.
The kind that giggles after every funny sounding word,
Or spends hours on end laughing with her girls.
Instead I cry.
I wish I was a normal girl.
I mourn the loss of my beautiful self.
I used to laugh.
I used to play.
I used to run.
All I had to do was simply wish the bad thoughts away,
but now they taunt me for they're here to stay.
I wish I was a normal girl.
But I'm plagued with depression,
A depression that ***** all my beautiful life away.
Before I pray the lord my soul to take,
I hope I can be a normal girl.
Just to feel alive once more,
And enjoy the beauty of life again,
Much like I did when I was four.