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855 · Aug 2019
Done again, again
Roman B Aug 2019
May this all start anew
Fresh and rested from a Summer of growth

What started a year ago broke me down
Followed by a Fall of fading feelings
A Winter that left me hollowed
Then Spring sprung me from a grave

I did it all alone
Finding who I am
Learning that my fears are weak
Harnessing my true ambition

To fly amongst the clouds, who recognize me
To see above the sun

I'll never forget my year alone
The bottles and the ***
The drugs and the books
The heartbeats in-between

This life is a painting
Only I know the true meaning
My intention with each stroke hidden
And one day it will be finished

Just like this poem
Rehabbing my mind, body and soul from my stay in, what could only be described as, my Upside Down. My fears don't control me anymore and my power comes from my ambition to achieve my goals. I'll love myself for loving where I am and where I have been. To the broken bottles and broken hearts, I am sorry. You'll always mean something to me. You'll all be a part of my painting.
717 · Sep 2018
Jade
Roman B Sep 2018
Jade that dazzled, Jade that shined
Your fire, your heart and passion
Smooth softness of your skin envelopes me
But your fly away, again and again
You come back and I hold you tighter each time
In my midnight wonders, I ask
Where do you fly next?
Essential oils bring me back to you
Smelling sweet of roses and oranges

Again you fly
I find you in my phone
My head
My heart
More present than my own consciousness
Mortality fading, as you are a constant of lifetimes of love
Love that erupts from my eyes and mouth
I take you in my arms to keep you near
But my phone falls to my feet
Two days and I cry and cry about what we lost. I am alone and must find a way to thrive. Nothing grows in darkness.
442 · Sep 2018
Good Mud
Roman B Sep 2018
Believe in love
When the stars aren't aligned
When the dreams aren't fulfilled

Believe in love
When there isn't a response
When the letters aren't sent

Believe in happiness
Yours
and Hers

Believe in a chance
That it can happen all over again
That we can walk in the mud
All over again
I'm not far, just let me know when you are close.
358 · Sep 2018
Us
Roman B Sep 2018
Us
Your winter eyes take me
An embrace around my mind
Warming and slowly melting
My soul dripping into your lap
In-between your thighs
Only getting warmer

We are splashing around in the ocean of our hearts
The rising waves gently moving us around the world
We have taken the leap and flown in the sky
With the horizon serenading us further

You are my harmony and a rose in my room
A wild woman of the desert and my morning tea
Your breath is my inhale and your touch my sensation
Our connection, a brilliance of life
So long ago I wrote this and it means the world to me. It was us. I never want to forget us.
329 · Sep 2018
Awake For Laundry
Roman B Sep 2018
It's fat
All black and likes it's tummy scratched
This **** cat will not leave
Back to my back full of pain
I want sleep to carry me away
Sleep has it's own agenda
Taking the hours of my life out with the cool Fall air
Giving me hours of painless moments
I wish the laundry would be done now
I wish this cat would leave me alone
I have a mind that runs and runs
STOP
Laundry is keeping me awake right now and all I want right now is sleep. When I sleep I don't feel so much.
272 · Sep 2018
Fear Of Myself
Roman B Sep 2018
Soul blank and empty
A fresh canvas
Shining flecks of love
But stored in the dark

I can't paint over it
The creation held becomes still
Fixed in place and just a fragment of dream

I wish to stay in my glass castle in the void
My dream to live
The perfect blackness unknown and bare
Naked
Exposed as it's formless husk

They will never know who I am
My canvas is drawn into the dark
I can't keep it from leaving

Another dive into my event horizon
Another time **** you

We aren't finished perfecting you

One last time you dog
Into that breach one last time
I am currently very lost in my life and can't seem to stick to one thing to focus on for a career. I am 22 and feel like I am wasting time, every day slips past me faster and faster. My canvas is myself, I am unsure what to paint on it. I don't want to be known and understood as it simplifies what I am as a human and a person. I don't use social media as it places me inside a box and the box is not big enough. I took acid a long time ago and it totally rewired my brain. Opening me up to so much of the world I had closed out, and now I think I have to take it again to reach that point where I can wire my brain into a more clear picture. It is a dangerous proposition and I do not take this idea scenario lightly, this could change a lot in my life and I am not sure I am ready for what it could do to me. I must meditate on what I have going on in my brain. Loving thoughts to you all.
-A lost young man
268 · Sep 2018
Fading
Roman B Sep 2018
I asked to dive back into the breach
As if it might help me find something I lost or was always missing
I didn't expect so much pain
The wound is already healing but the pain is pulsing fiery pain through my veins
I have a calm focus to myself now
The pain is dulling my mind from the world
No one can see me drag myself back down
Into my depths
I don't bother to look if anyone sees

It's very dark
But I recognize it as if I returned to an old home
Comforting
The shadow of loneliness that has been following me
Crawled it's way under my skin
My favorite jacket returning to me
Holding me close
My eyes are open but nothing is seen
It's only me
Standing
Fading into the background of memory and sound
I've been here before
267 · Sep 2018
Walk to Me
Roman B Sep 2018
Sick leaves of yellow drop down to me
Slow with the life of a slug
I spoke to the trees my secrets and heart
Whispers of my emotions pulled my tears out from me
They groaned and swayed

Clouds tucked me in to the dense forest
I was cozy in the cold
Rain wash me clean and free
Freeing me of what I left behind in the car
That sad wet heap was no more

Trails of dirt and smiles pulled another step in
But I was gliding through
Beauty of face and bark picked me up
I was open to the world of wonder and glee
Who was going to be there next and say hello
Would I say it first this time?
Maybe
A day in the woods showed me the beauty in people and trees. The trees guided me onwards as I passed beautiful people who didn't know of what I felt, but smiled at me. I wouldn't mind saying hi and getting to know you.
250 · Sep 2018
Red
Roman B Sep 2018
Red
My heart poured from my hands into the paper
Held loosely with bindings
With a hollow chest, my brain works overtime to compensate
I recounted memories and details
My favorite and the pure
What I know I will always remember
There isn't a night with the moon that takes me away into these moments
I signed my name at the end as finality of everything
There is so much time left to get through
For now I'll keep what I wrote
In my red journal
I wrote it to send in the mail but I can't rip it out yet.
245 · Sep 2018
Swimming
Roman B Sep 2018
Walls fall and Fall set walls
Break

Waves break on our feet
I think of our time with foreign waters
The golden sunsets
Heat

Reverse
Fog and cool breeze

We stand together whispering
Held tight with intentions of warmth and ***
Lips full with breath of desires and passion

All I want is to dig into you and rip your soul free from your mind
But I'm frozen

I took a dive into the frozen lake of past seductions
I see the light above and the darkness below
Swallowing whole the sun
It's all gone, not a drop left. I just have my ears for myself and the whispers of past seductions and loose change
204 · Sep 2018
Impure Silence
Roman B Sep 2018
I'm full
Devouring eons of blank air
Devoid of noise or sounds of speech
An all consuming force
Gorging
Digesting

But this has been poison
Sickening my mind
Breaking it down

Believing it with each bite
Hearing the calm nature of silence
Hearing it's preach of peace

I've written the silence with hatred and pain
****** hands holding a knife to the page
Gorging on my own pain

Reusing my suffering mind to escape
Immolating my thoughts with repetition
All in the silence of my mind
Not a soul hears me
Gorging on my own pain
I'm stuck in a moment, replaying it over and over. A scene from a dream that calls back to a moment where I spilled my soul into the ocean air. I write it again and again in the pages of my heart hoping that it wasn't a mistake.
201 · Aug 2019
Toxic Taste of Waste
Roman B Aug 2019
Your taste is in my mouth
Burning the back of my throat
Like all the liquor I've been drowning myself in
We both didn't want each other

Each morning waking up with you was another headache
I would would spend the morning in the kitchen
Closer to the bottles
Further from you

It was all perfect at first
Two broken hearts finding something new
But here I am now
No longer broken, but annihilated

We connected so fast
But your connection was toxic
You needed me to save you
But you wanted me carry you

Instead of taking all your weight
I talked you through my heart
That ******* maze of misery
Showing you how to navigate the pain, the lonliness

You wanted validation for your mistakes
I kept hanging around
Wanting to see the improvement
It never showed

There was never a chance for us to blossom
Because my blossom already happened
And my roots were ripped out
You just finally put my in the trash

Now I can see what all this was
My attempts to reclaim some lost love
You were never right for me
I was never right for you

All that time was a waste
Nothing changed
I'm still drinking my heart into a darker hole
Watching blackness take my mind

Waiting for someone
Waiting for my heart to call me back
To the sandy shores of my memory
Where waves of emotion hit me

Each wave reminding me of a better time
This was only year one in a new place
Cheers to a new year with a little less suffering
And a little more love
A full year has gone by in a new city. Seen a lot, done a lot. Going to quit drinking so much and start taking care of myself more. A sober mind might make things better. idk, I'm feeling blue again.
200 · Mar 2019
Time Expedition
Roman B Mar 2019
Two months back and I was broken open once again.
I was weak and hungry for it.
Ignorant to the warning signs in front of me.
The pain was instant and numbness settled in.

There were no tears for her,
none for me.
Months prior simply vanished,
and we didn't share a thing.

Attempted to break out of the loneliness that consumed,
only to be shuttered back in.

But in the absolute of dark,
light shines the brightest.
The adventures of the heart are the hardest to traverse and finish.
175 · Dec 2019
Where Does It Go?
Roman B Dec 2019
The breath spent
Sweat that the soaks the earth and your work

Tell me why the time doesn't stop
So we rush to the next job
So we spend more breath
Waste more sweat

My open book calls me
Relaxing another poem from my mind
Setting my eyes on the next peak

A mountain worth the heaviest breath
The most sweat

A mountain that brushes against the blue sky
A sky barely wide enough to write my whole story

There is a mountain for me
A lone mountain
A cold mountain
Time and time again I lose sight of myself in the chaos of growing up and getting older. Please don't waste your time on wasteful people, just keep yourself in front and the focus of your energy. I'm back in the lap of Mt. Tam and I couldn't be happier.
151 · Jan 2020
Lightly
Roman B Jan 2020
We so few
Who tread lightly on this earth
Carry with us our heart and mind
Carried away with the cascade of vision and dream

Brought out by the sun
Wanting only the peaceful murmur of a breeze

The few who tread
Uphill, downhill, or just along the way
Bring with you a story
Of love, hurt, hope...

Make a story that sings of life
Live a life that makes a story
On a morning of dew and sunshine I wrote this. Before walking out the door I was told that I walked lightly on this earth.
121 · Nov 2020
History
Roman B Nov 2020
Where mud let us talk
When you cried for our future
What can I say now?
Might get a pastry tomorrow. (coffee too?)
115 · Oct 2020
Feeling It Again
Roman B Oct 2020
Shortness of breath, again
Tightness in chest, again

what's the point of all this stress
when it leads to another panic attack

what's the point of me trying to call you
when my hands just freeze at the screen

Shortness of breath, again
Tightness in chest, again

and again,

and again.
I just got a lot going on. My dreams don't let me rest.
114 · Apr 2020
In Every Breath
Roman B Apr 2020
Life has moments where a blossom presents itself
One can go their whole life looking for that moment
And it would not be a wasted life

Every breath there is a shine of light
That flickers and leaves
That is what we are made of

Life in every breath

This breath can change you
It can carry you
Into a life, not wasted
98 · Feb 2020
Grounded
Roman B Feb 2020
My wings beat against the storm that raged that night
A night that left me lost and without heart to fly

I raged against the theft of my heart

My wings shattered on the rocky slopes of emotion
Now grounded by mistakes of lust and rage

Here I sit alone, again my reckless rage taken hold
Refusing to release my mind from the torment of loss

With time, my wings are almost healed
The rage still stirs, and the winds still strong

I must wait longer before I am free, finally

Of the Rage
Of the Pain

I look up from my hellish world to a sky, blue and full
In my hands are the pages of pain I never sent

The words on them will never find you
Because you never found me
The past month has been one strong with emotions and pain. I've lost, remembered loss and lost again. Currently contemplating moving back to California from Oregon. I'll make a decision after summer comes and goes.
89 · Sep 2020
I've Been Gone
Roman B Sep 2020
It's been a while
Since I've seen your face
But your name finds me every day

I beg and plead to leave you behind
But in my dreams and by name,
you find me every day

It's been a while
And you're a ghost to me

It's been a while
And I still don't know how I feel
I really can't make sense of this. Why are you still there?

— The End —