i am not
in love
but surely
i write
about love
because poetry
makes you fall in love
all the time

- fall in love in all sorts

you are everything i want
but really
i must not lie
you are nothing of what
i need.

i am afraid
that you would
finally see into me
and realize
that i was
never
worth your
time,
energy,
and
love.

i am looking
at you
as you look
at her
and though
it's all temporary
it still
hurts me
to the bone

- i'm trying to forget

so when they tell me i'm pretty
i'd lie
i just don't see the beauty
that lies in mine

you liked loud parties
and i liked the quiet nights
you liked jazz music
and i liked dancing with all my might
you liked the sunsets in the evening
i liked sunrises so bright
you'd play the piano
while i was there with joy to sing
blue was your favourite colour
but i favoured other things

you liked the way coffee never went well with cream
pour me an other, tea seems good to me
bright lights and city streets
but i felt the warmth under our sheets
you'd see things in ways i couldn't
but you couldn't see the words
i'd chosen
you picked up graphic tees
in thrift stores, more than one
i preferred long dresses
beach styled
you said were never fun

you had your table scattered 
with all things 
big and small
i had mine at minimalism
some things i wished i could afford

you pictured life like a movie
i, an escape in reality
i always wanted better for us
chasing perfection 
but darling you were just
mere exception

you liked me,
something i could see.
maybe i didnt like you enough
opposites attract?
no, not really.

you're searching for her
in me
and you claim
that your love is as much
but darling,
i see the pools in your eyes
the lies you keep
and then i stop.
i know now
you'll never love me
as much as you
loved her.

Lord,
i feel so far from You.
everytime i try to
reach You
i feel a disconnection
a wall that i cannot break
because i don't have
enough strength
right now.
i feel the world is against me
and my heart is so, so empty
i don't know what to do
i try to run instead of
going through it
Your guidance ;
i feel isolation
in this depth of fear
i won't let it consume me
but it already has.
the pain in my heart
knowing i can't pull it out
the knife stabbed at the back
the blood shedding
all that
my prayers are sent
like an instant text
i feel as if i won't get there
nor get back on track
it's not easy
here me out loud
i feel so far away from You,
Lord,
i need myself back,
now.

in order to
pay respect to my
loneliness
i must endure
being lonely
in the most loneliest places
alone.

at the playground
i watch them run and play
chasing each other
from dawn 'til the night of day

on the bench i sit quietly
waiting for my turn
waiting for them to bat an eye
waiting for their concern

the swings she pushed her up
so high
"promised me i'd never come down?"
he promised she would fly

over to the seesaws
the unbalanced perfection
two kids on one end
that never seem to go one direction

you have your hands up
in the air
sliding down a slide so steep
you pretend you don't see me
you pretend you don't peep

i catch your glimpse,
hoping one day you'd say a hello
so day and night i wait
at the park bench, alone

the day never came, perhaps
they just never seemed to care about me
me in my overalls and sneakers unlaced
i am not like them
with their pretty pink dresses
and their obscure taste

and so, at the playground
i learnt loneliness
was my best friend
in this place we call fun times
i knew nothing
but know i am undoubtedly
out of line

i'm kissing him
but i taste
your lips
and hear
your voice
and i am looking
into his eyes
but
i see your
brown ones,
instead.

- what have you done to me?

i want,
so much,
you.

un sure,
how if,
no.

seems lost,
maybe understandable,
timing.

cut ties,
keep quiet,
wait.

lose patience,
blame time,
forget.

thinking
and
silence
and
hope.

it's you,
it's you,
it's you.

i wish i had
loved myself
earlier
the bumps on my skin
the lines on my thighs
my front teeth peeking out
my stomach, curved to it's imperfect perfection
my hour glass body
he'd tell me multiple times

i wasted my youth on
tears and fear
to be able to look at the rest
and feel inferior
i cried raindrops
i hoped i'd call pretty
but darling it's not ******* easy
i look in the mirror
and see shatters
of the pain in my shoulders
everytime i felt like i needed to cover
my ******* skin, it belongs to me
but why is it that i feel like im not free?

i don't wanna look at her anymore
her face, everyone adores
i am happy for her
she deserves it
but God, i just wished i looked like her a bit

i tear myself apart
every ******* time i put myself on a chart
on the lowest bar
that's where i am
i can't help it
i just always seem to compare

i wish i had
loved myself earlier
to avoid all that trouble
i've learnt now, somehow
her beauty doesn't define my struggle
i am all things wonderful in my own way
slowly, i'll believe it
even if it's just
for
a day.

if i was heartbreak
then what was love
if matches were lit up
why do u act so absurd
you painted me a whole lot of bad
what the **** was i supposed to say
in the courtroom full of disapprovals
i had to turn away
charge me guilty
for the things i ******* didn't do
yes, i broke your heart
but don't forget,
you ******* broke mine too.

- why is it always a one sided story?

i lost a best friend.

i lost a best friend who meant a lot to me. she was someone i knew i could lean on because she was there for me, always. she would listen to the most usual rants ever. from my daily encounters to any random thing that fascinated me most of the time.  she was also there for me during sad parts of my life. she meant a lot to me. i would tell her all about what ive been through and how hard life can get, and for me, it felt good. knowing someone cared you know? i cared for her too. i would listen. i would be there for her whenever she needed someone. most of the time, it was me. one time, she called me up during a school day crying over how she can't deal with her father who doesn't care about her family, and is having affair with a 25 year old woman. i cried with her. we knew each other deep down, even if words couldn't be put in sentences. i always read her. always did. felt like she read me too. so well, so good. like puzzle pieces. we just fix somehow.

until one day she left me for someone who would never care for her as much.

i lost a best friend.

i lost a best friend to a boy who could never love her back.

could never love her back like i do.

i thank the Lord
for rainy days
and sweaters paired with shorts
my brother's joy
lofi music
warmth in my heart
and comfy beds -

maybe you too.

she tells me lies i let her
she drives me crazy
and i know it's no good
i love her, i don't think i should
someone help me
i don't know
what to do.

don't think you wanna
talk to me
the way we used to
hard to define it
but it's true
far from above
your heart is
down under
coping with stress
sometimes i wonder
why my heart
isn't at place
why it's still beating
still trying to find trace
i am lost
hoping for a reason
you won't understand
maybe it was best
though it's not simple
nor can i say entirely complex
find me grieving
for the lost i had made
sometimes i kinda wished
you had stayed
now my words are dry
as i try not to cry
on these empty pages
my soul had tore apart.

so for that boy
i grew my hair out
tried to be prettier as he
complimented me
comparing other girls
and his past lovers
and the way i talk
the way i walk
he controlled
everything i said, everything i did
made sure his texts were replied
even if i was busy,
i'd lie
ensure he's fine
but if i am not
it's alright
don't wanna spill the cup full but
wasn't as happy as i should
would go rounds of fights
made sure we were fine by night
feelings kept, no harm done
could've change something
but there was none
i laid my kindness
too pure for his soul
he thinks of me often,
maybe just my body, or so
i wrote til he didnt care
would call me a depressed
but really, i guess it was fair
he took everything away
even me
and in this thing i called love
oh how blind i was
for a boy
who wouldn't give a single ****
about me.

i miss the sunrises in the morning
and the stars at night
i miss the weather there
and the sights

i miss the *****
Caleb would always collect
the hammock we played on
and all that

i miss the sand in my toes
and the rolls of the shore
i miss the company i had
dolphin
octopus
stingray
lobster
shark
turtle
whale
they're like family now, that's a fact

i miss singing in the afternoon
that continued along at night
some sing-along we did
praising God, with all our might
i miss the laughters we shared over small talk conversations
and the random jokes we made
during sessions
i miss our late night girl talks!
though some of us cried
it was a blessing im sure
thats something i can't lie

i miss the prayers
with Ms Teo and Mdm Lily
the support of our lives
the officers who are oh so lovely

i miss the way we would walk just to get water
i miss even that,
because the little things matter

i miss all that
but one thing i know now
is that we grew stronger
the bond we have
i will not trade for another

maybe one day it'll come by again
til our hearts content
by our sides
singing along to Yesus Kekasih Jiwaku
i'll see you again next time
til then, heres my temporary goodbye.

he
saw right
through me and
thought nothing more than
friends.

the day i left,
i decided on many things.
that if our fingers intertwined
my lips will not let out a breath of home
that if you looked at me
and i, at you
i will not smile, grinning from ear to ear
that if you kissed me on the cheek
[right, which you always liked]
i'd flinch, not in fear
but in uncertainty
that if there was a gift on my doorstep
from whom it may concern - you
i will not hesitate to be in hesitation
to take, or to leave.

the day i left,
i decided that our fights
were mere words of unspoken bits
here and there
probably i had known i didn't need them
but maybe, somewhere in my future,
it'll tell me otherwise.

the day you left, perhaps,
there is regret
in my solitude,
you have given your whole heart to someone else.
you decided on things like
the sunset and rain
that reminded you of me
and now that maybe were both gone
the last thing on your mind
when the clock turns 6 in the evening
is her.

the day you left,
i woke up with no morning texts
no reminders of me to eat,
to get enough rest
to be okay
to remind what's left of me
you left completely.

the day we both leave,
at once,
i await.
til that day comes,
i know now,
you'll have my heart
- always.

another time maybe
we'll be destined for each other
we'll cross paths like you wanted us to
just like how you've always wanted us to
knowing time isn't in the palm of our hands
i promise to keep safe whatever was there
- whatever felt like it was there
even though it isn't me anymore
even though our touch doesn't feel the same
maybe we'd cross paths for real one day
just in another time and place

you are still the music
i listen to
and the words
i try to look for
in my emptiness

- music soulmate, or whatever

count your blessings
keep track of time
he doesn't love you
always keep that in mind

it saddens me
how i have
always wanted
the best for you
while you
wanted the
worse
upon me.

you dont need make up to feel beautiful.
you dont need to wear frills and puffy dresses or skirts over length or high top blouses to be beautiful.
you dont have to always take care of your skin to feel beautiful.
you dont have to be feminine to be beautiful.
you don't have to be her to be beautiful.
be you.
be-you-tiful.

jealous girls
they won't tell you when they are
they'll shut up about it
make sure no one knows about it

keep still, don't move
but watch
quietly
observe every move he makes
but don't spill, though
you'd get caught.

that girl he's linking arms with
you burn in envy
don't turn red, my dear
you'd get caught.

check his every post online
hoping for a day he would reply
take time, maybe late at night
**** doesn't happen like that
but always stay silent
you'd get caught.

if hope was for the weak
maybe you are one of 'em
grouped in sorrow
you say your every prayer
don't talk too loud, remember
you'd get caught.

he doesn't know the hurt
in your eyes
everytime you see him
with someone else
when he asks
"are you okay?"
you do not answer
because
darling,
keep still, don't move
you'd get caught.

this is going nowhere
i hope you know that
i can feel the flowers dying out of thirst
and the fire burning out on a match

this is going nowhere
my replies are shorten to just one
i dont want to sound mean but
where the **** was the fun?

this is going nowhere
i am almost annoyed with everything you say
from A to Z to asking me
"hey, how was your day?"

this is going nowhere
i wish i never tried
but then a part of me thinks we cross paths
because at one point i felt like you needed to be mine

this is going nowhere
im spending time with my friends
i don't think of you often
i don't think about making amends

this is going nowhere
i was always ******* scared of commitment
what made me think i was ready
when i clearly wasn't?

this is going nowhere
i hope you know that
i don't love you anymore
it's not that kinda sad.

maybe in the long run
i'll be able to find what's best for myself
to understand that self growth and self love
needs its own perfect time to find
the way it blooms, the way it says
"i am okay"
without hesitation
and in those little things
i do
for patience's sake,
i will be
okay.

you're so beautiful
so, all kinds of lovely

how could
someone not
write about
you?

in the morning
i decide to love myself
with the sun shining
in my face
as i wake up
cold sheeted
i get up
get dressed
move out and about
i preach love
i say love
i do love.

but at night,
my decision fades,
just like how the sun
sets every six thirty
in the evening
as usual.
see,
when it goes down
apparently i am down
too
i don't know how
things work but
i wish i could
somehow
i do not control
my feelings
or any emotion
given to me.
no, i am not a robot.
but i just can't when
i am lying to myself
everyday
that things would work out
with my family,
my friends,
him.

it is not
constant,
let me assure you that.
maybe it's just that
i come home everyday
thinking the world hates me.
and so i delete every post
or picture
to not seem "seeking"
maybe its how i am so
passionate about something
that i eager to show the world
but no one wants
to look at
and so, delete there is.
maybe it's just how
i am so used to everyone
talking about me
i forget about the people who matter ;
but then i do not either.
they do matter.
always have.

maybe it's just me.

- and my late night thoughts

here's to lonely days
here's to wiping tears away
here's to hoping it'll be better
here's to wondering if you'll ever come over
here's to late talks
and midnight [drunk] shots
here's to not knowing what's good
here's to falling in interlude
here's to seeing you with her
here's to envy, here's to fear
here's to waiting
here's to declining
here's to deleting all your texts
here's to undecided thoughts, forget
here's to moving on
here's to holding on
though it pains
and i feel like im in chains
oh well
here's to seeing myself, again.