I have yet to see the full wonder of God.
Like a big, colourful butterfly... with each flap of its wings a new colour is revealed.
I'm amazed and in awe. Words fail to capture what rests in my heart.
With every thought, my heart smiles and swells with excitement.
To know that this God I hear about... knows me loves me and created me.
Me. Thandi. Weird and awkward... He still sees me and calls for me. Pursues me and astonishes me with His mystery.
I'm amazed that I am His child and that He actually wants the best for me.
Where have I been this entire time... away from this truth?
Where have I been looking, what have I been searching for because I'm overwhelmed by this truth.
It has grabbed my heart and captured my spirit... to remember exactly who Jesus is and what He did for me.
What the scriptures say resound the heart of Jesus and I'm so excited to know Him.
I am too happy to know Jesus.
I can't believe I could've missed this unspeakable joy. This freedom, this victory.
What have I been looking for? A genie in a box, a saviour chilling at a street corner,  a make-believe god who is powerless?
What have been waiting for, hoping in, praying for?
Now I see, now I know... there is no other place my soul would rather be.
Nothing the world gives compares to this.

It is at that moment of a crumbling ideology, you face the hardest of questions, questions that won't shake off until sufficient answers are given.

How it happens that when you get refined for a better life it has to hurt so much and even lead to questioning the significance of existence.

They often say celebrate the time in the valley as you celebrated the time on the hill...

The valley happens to be growling with wolves who can not stand the sound of rejoicing and are ready to pounce and devour their enemy.

These thoughts are from a hazy place, one that has no clear vision of its direction. The heart...however knows this too will pass, it's in the waiting for the pass that you grow weary and extremely sad.

You feel you can't stand yourself and reserve all opinion on sin because you have been swimming in it.

Putting up with a double-life in order to remain sane....but the former ways still reside in the finger tips of the sinner.

Appetizing at first but only to scar the very fiber of normality you tried to uphold.

Is it okay to say it is really tiresome... To smile when you actually feel like frowning, to laugh when you just want to cry till life stopped...

I just read somewhere "It's not easy, but it is simple. You have to trust God, no matter what you may face."

When I read it I felt the heaviness of what life can be - either beautiful or ugly, trip me. Literally trip me over my current issues and challenges. Falling ******* the fact that I need God, whether I want Him or not...

When I think of the many hardships people are facing in this world, I realise I am wimping for nothing...when mine are minute theirs are gigantic.

But whatif...just whatif even my minute issues cause me gigantic heartache...heartache that feels like my life is being lived by someone else...someone that I actually don't even like.

Heartache that leaves wanting to cradle in God's arms forever, to never have to face the failures and bad choices of my life.

To not have to see my ugly self in the eyes of a reformed me. They are in constant conflict with each other and remain in their separate worlds despite the freedom offered by Jesus.

It is the strangest thing...looking at yourself through a third pair of eyes. They see you. See your messed up behaviour and see you as you fall deeper into the trap of sin.

They see when you happy and worshiping on the hill. When nothing can knock you over and everything you touch turns to gold.

Both times I suppose, you were being prepared for that place which has been in your dreams and has been your vision all these years.

To get there clearly isn't easy. Probably was never meant to be. Some days are better then others, while for the most part, most days really involve going through the motion.

I can't wait to be loved, cared for and sinking in the truth of being appreciated.

Suppose I can be thankful. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am loved.

Just some days it feels like it is all going to fall apart, like the rug has been pulled under my feet.

As I solider on, I thank my Maker for the gift of writing...as it always helps me make sense of this jungle I call life.

Injection of love has no limits,
Diminishes bad habits, only traces of a worthy candidate.
We ride the wave of feelings and serenade our ears to the rhythmic beats of our hearts.
How often do the least get rewarded, unseen and unblemished by the horror of life.
This world is paved with gold, pity those treasures are covered by things stale and old.
But not this love...it awakens the soul and traces back the lies we were told.
Capture my runaway train of thought and reign my wishes,
Drowning in my blushes, if words were permanent and memories paintings.
They would create what's never seen...write a story using the strokes of colour displaying my thoughts.
This pie in the sky feeling is blowing up the dust off my feet,
Keep my eyes smiling and inspiring me to always appear neat...spit in the face of defeat,
For after brokenness comes something sweet.
It's me again...leaving behind what was and forgetting there is such a thing as pain.
We keep moving, this love keeps sowing, and unaware of the growth underground, we keep growing.
I love this love. It looks appealing...something out of your dreams which comes alive before your eyes.
It looks great and fun, anticipating excitement and never being out done.
Time...I picture it sitting in a corner with its legs crossed and watching from a distance. It knows when and even know and even beyond the now.
The human heart carries so much...how it can carry hate and love together is hard to imagine.
How does it do it...carry such strong repelling emotions yet still survive...I choose the latter.
There is no darkness in it nor is there despair...
See when you let love take you...you welcome a gentle peck from the heavens.
It warns your soul and melts the concrete that had engulfed the heart...now finally you can hear your soul mates knock.
Laughter and long walks, sunsets and crazy talk....
This image might not be for everyone, but love invites everyone.
I love love...it sees no faults, just purity on the eyes of its viewer.
It hurdles you when the world batters you...keeps you sain.
How can I not love love, when it rescued me in my most deepest and brutal pain.

I paid her a visit this morning. And she appeared cringed and curled in her dried tears.
How strong are the fears, a continuous replay of the terror can not bring closure.
She looks at me and envies what she sees, longs to have the joy that my heart beams.
How can someone have been soooooo lost, so gone into the frost...of self-despair and minor depression.

Never easing tension, that re-appears when the flood of memories take center action.

She appears unaware of my visit. Her little imagination, ruined and distorted seemed to be detached from her own self-created reality.

Maybe paying her a visit was not a good idea.

Perhaps seeing her scars...some healing pretty well, was not too great of an idea.

What else was I hoping to find in the life of a ******, battered and lost in the moment of fake love and imaginary fun.

Her friend once told me that during her darkest times, she buried herself in her journals.

I could believe that. No matter how hard, that is where her heart remained.

I paid her visit this morning. And found she no longer existed.

Her torn dress lay bare on the ***** floor and her shoes where not in sight, traces of her dull scent was no-longer lingering in the imprisoned mind.

She had fled. Left this prison for something more meaningful. She has ruled out rehearsing and cursing a past she can never change.

This morning, I paid Thandi a visit. The old me has turned into a vapor, lost in the ever blowing wind of humanity.

Her memory wall is smeared and ruined, blurred by the many encounters she endured.  

This morning, during my visit I realised that that Thandi does not exist. She was once a loser lost in the wilderness.

For two or so years she was building the house that will eventually collapse on her.

For the longest time, she had never held a mirror to her face or even to her soul.

She had never known a real laugh, nor felt real emotions.
For all those days, she drowned and drowned and drowned until there was nothing to drown her. Instead her end killed her.

This morning I soared with the creatures of the air as I released that Thandi is no-more.

No-more around to taunt, terrorise and belittle me.

Torture, lie and even destroy me.

I paid a visit to an image of who I was, where I was and what I had become....and now, it nourishes me to know I am free.

The simplicity of life is heavily veiled by the intricate challenges of life, leaves the soul broken and gasping at the possibility of a new life.

Better and masked with joy.

The homeless youth looking at life with vague eyesight,  sees no were beyond his unique DNA and instead succumbs to the prison of drugs.

Believes no further than what he was told and carries his dreams in the joint he smokes.

It puffs up and mingles with the clouds, escaping his head, reaching the Maker of a new beginnings.

We were never given a memo and were never expected to survive the cruelty that sunk its claws into our backs.
Dream further then your reality because that is were dreams reside.

As the years progress we need to worry....as it has been exposed...it only gets worse.

The Creator knows beyond this life, He gave this life and carries our lifes in His perfect Hand. The thoughts of Him no mind can imagine. It is said He breathed the stars into place, one of those stars being as big as Mount Everest, whole earth is merely the size of a golf ball when compared to its bigness....glorious and unimaginable, it's called Cannes Majories.

When the blows of life hit, we are never trained to fight, never ready to resist, we might sink but again the mass expects us to swim.

Is it even possible to see ourselves in their eyes, in His eyes....when the imperfections speak louder then our uniqueness.

Hold close those you love dearly and confine in their belief in you.

This world and life was never meant to be easy, love is what we dream of and live hoping we will one day be engulfed in the arms of our significant other.

Unjudged, undisturbed, in discriminated,  loved with everything that makes you who are.

So sudden time flies, leaving no room to expand and delve in the possibility.

This life we might not know, this time we may not know how to measure, some mysteries are left for the after life and the now is for the bold.

Secrets have no place in the open mouth of society  they always have something to say.

But who will you listen to......Battered and scared, hurt and perplexed as to why  bad things happen to good people....as the always say...

When a smile is all I could offer, in return a hot mess that leaves questioning my existence for as long as I'm breathing.

But wait, you have not robbed me, instead you peeled my eyes to see the world is ugly, not pretty and heavy laden by far worse abuse.

The challenges we face are greater than our intelligence, as they say only the bare and brave survive.

Day by day bad is reported, announced for the world to know we are heading for the worst.

We look at sights of our yester years and burn with deep sorrow, how did we survive.

The human being is clearly designed to handle far more then we can imagine.

Hold no reservations to what love can do...what God can do.

Crossing racial barriers and cutting deep into the fibres of the ******* propaganda.

There is no room for hate...how can there be when the simple things are free.

The teachers of faith tell us  so much truth and yet the heart fails to nurture the truths they speak.

The world seems to attract more then repel, we ought to listen yet it seems far from reach.

Time...They say heals all wounds, does it really?

Perhaps it does but fears has cemented our feet in the mess of our decisions.