‪‪Fake smiles, bloodshot eyes

a heavy heart
from a never ending war‬

‪....with myself. ‬

It´s cold.
Rain pouring.
Me overthinking.
Barely talking.
Why would we care?
At this point,
Everything is ripping us apart.
We need to feel,
None.
I pour down into tears.
Wishing you can hear.
I gave you my best years.
Now, that we say things clear.
Let´s go somewhere peacefully.
And clarify once for all,
That we need to feel something,
And we don´t.

I sometimes get stuck in January
when December was trying to be forgotten
As January rolls into February
and then into March,
time passes before my eyes
But my time with you
is not forgotten.

Time moved through me
forgetting to carry me
with her.

And I waited.

Like the businessman
at Flinders Street Station
- stagnant -
while the world passed him by,
and time moved through him,
in fast motion;
forgetting to whisper past
his cheek
and sweep the petals
from his eyes.

For he carries a garden inside,
but all gardens
need time.

Today was a bit easier
I realized that I didn't cry when I thought about you

Instead I was laughing at something stupid that I did
Remembering that moment I spilt my drink everywhere
and all you said was

Sauds

And even though I rushed to clean it up
you were right there beside me mopping up my mess

Laughing and commenting on my cleaning abilities

I felt bad that I made you wait
but you didn't care
cause that's just the type of guy you were

An easy smile and an open hand
ready at any moment to reach out
and help

I wish we could have helped you
I wish we saw something sooner
I wish I had the power to give you some of my years
cause Lord knows you would have used them wiser

But I know I shouldn't say that
think that
because it wont make the hurt go away

It wont bring you back
but that hope that you'll walk through the door is still there

I don't think it will ever go away

Now you have to live
With the same pain I have felt
For the last four years

You were diet coke and slimming tea
You were everything I could never be
You were hallway laughter and bathroom tears
You were a way to waste my teenage years
You were an excess of bitter coffee shots
You were what made up my 4 am thoughts
You were the first stolen cigarette on my lips
You every beat that my heart skipped

And now you are none of this.