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Kendall Jul 2018
I think it’s happening again
I really hope that I’m wrong that I’m making it up that it’s all in my, head.
  I know where this road leads and it’s called depression
   From there, it’s my restriction with Ana
    I’m already freaking out. I don’t want to
     Go back down this road but it looks to be my only path
       I just feel like I’m f
                 ­                             l
                                  ­              i
                                                 ­ n
                                                     g apart.
Kendall Jun 2018
When you came into my life I didn’t want you. I was so young and I thought I didn’t need you.
I said I couldn’t tell a difference, my mother begs to differ she could see the difference.
I was
I could focus
I stopped bouncing my leg up and down, up and down, up and down all of the time.
I no longer tapped my pencil like a little drummer boy
I ate like a little girl, not a hollow creature attempting to fill a hollow leg.
It’s been 6 years. 365 days every day, each morning with you on my tongue   so that I can focus.
You have given my the power to act normal...
But we need to take a break it might not be you but I just need to see so I have to find out who I am without you and I’m scared because I don’t know who I’ll be but
I’ll still be me, right?
I’m sorry but it’s prbably just temporary  trust me
I’m taking a medicine break that I’ve been on for the past 6 years and I’m not sure who I am without it and I’m scared I’ll be to weird and different for the people who have only known me on it
Kendall Jun 2018
Rules are meant to be followed.
Work is meant to be done.
With work and rules and P R O P E R discipline there
W I L L be results.
Kendall Jun 2018
Food is the enemy and it always has been.
The binge wasn't worth it.
It set you back,now look what you've done.
You've created more work for yourself.
Good luck you fat ****.
Kendall Jun 2018
Walking away meant
I was letting go.
It meant I was submitting to her will.
Her words curled up to fill my stomach because
food wasn't allowed.
even the past can be a mirror of the present
Kendall Jun 2018
I don't know who I am without her.
Before Ana I was a child and in the in be tweens  been fighting to get away.
                 But who does that make me?
First child.
Then starving hatred.
With dashes, small sprinkles of wanting recovery.
               Wanting Salvation, but knowing nothing other than how to hate and how to punish because I've forgotten what it is to be a child.
Now I know how to starve better, to be hungry longer.
I know How to please her, which is how I please myself.
             But does that really make me happy?
             Is this what I was meant to do?
Was I meant to live inside the cage of my mind, doomed to this suffering?
   For what?
      To reach my ideal of bones?
What does this make me?
           Who would I be without her?
                 How would I live without these guidelines?
I'm sorry if this content is triggering for you, I've been struggling with my eating disorder for the past 6 years and it doesn't go away and its not a straight line. I just want people to feel less alone
Kendall Jun 2018
I could feel my decline.
I could hear the call.
I could feel my grip loosen and hers tighten.
So I did something I should have done a while ago.
I left...
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