i hurt myself countless times today
but only this time not physically
i hurt myself like i won't stop thinking about the things that make me feel worthless
i hurt myself like i daydream about the boys that make me feel unsure of myself just when my confidence was starting to rise
i hurt myself like i let these feelings take over my mind completely so that whether or not i think i'm good enough is based on my assumptions of why everyone that momentarily makes me feel secure doesn't talk to me for a day or two
i hurt myself like i'm writing these ******* thoughts down on paper as if thinking deeper about it is going to do anything other than rip open old wounds
i hurt myself like i sabotage my own happiness because it's so easy to tear down what is just a light veil draped over all these years of self hatred and low self esteem that has built up so much it could reach the earths core
i hurt myself like i know i won't stop until i've convinced myself that i am nothing

Inhaling smoke into tarry lungs
Exhaling poison.
Drinking alcohol to numb the agony
Setting fire to a scarred esophagus.
Selfish to a fault
Its always about the big ME.
Doing favors and expecting
to get something out of it.
Ignoring the small and weak.

I've seen the worst of humanity.
I looked in the mirror and it reflected back to me.

What's the point in trying* when in the end I'm *hiding

Never good enough for even the people I love deeply
As they tell me all my faults and how imperfect I am

Unable to accept me no matter what even if I hold them dearly
Although I show them gratitude and do the best I can

I can never show my true self inside
Because then they'll choose to toss me aside

What's the point in trying when in the end I'm *dying

Everything I do
Always seems to fall apart
How to fix myself?

sometimes I wish I could turn back time
to those better days
when I didn't dream of death and want to slip away
I find myself thinking about you
what do you think it would be like
to look in the mirror and hate who you see
to think about your flaws not what I see
some days are better and then some are not
you think your worthless but I think your worth it
you wont hear me because your music's blaring
you draw a picture and write down the names
of every kid or person who made you feel that way
now I guess I must agree when I see you cry I feel a bit of sympathy
I wish I could turn back time
to some better day
when you would pull your ear buds out and listen to what I had to say
your hearts of gold
your mind of silver
made up of beautiful things
don't let words give you a sliver
**your not worthless now stop caring about what they think
your not worthless now stop caring about what they think

His words pierce my heart
Like a razor sharp dagger
Twisting in deeper with every
Apparent truth.

Pain surges through me like
A current of high voltage
But I do not bleed.

No, instead I feel everything drain from my body,
Like a balloon that's been pricked,
It doesn't go with a bang or pop with excitement.
No, it dies a slow painful death as
The air seeps from its body, leaving it
Gasping for breath.

I fear he's given me the kiss of life for the last time,
This time he will leave his words to resonate in me,
And as they resound within,
I shall wither away.

I drank a cup of coffee
But that's not enough to
Dispel this drowsiness
I live in.
I drank a cup of coffee
To deal with today;
The only way i know
To deal with every day.
I drank
A cup of coffee,
But i could bathe in
A pool of caffeine and
Run my fingers against the current
Of a river of it and
I would leave
With eyes heavier than before.

I,
I think coffee,
Is not going to help anymore.
I think,
Something inside me is
Whirling doubts about me
More snug than is comfortable.
And,
This brew
Doesnt even taste sweet,
Or particularly bitter.
It's very bland.
And i prefer to leave it unfinished
Than empty.

Sopor fuels the pen
Darkness devours the sun
As she carves the page

With beautiful words
Ethereal, Opulent
Sonder, syzygy

Vellichor, Gambol
Efflorescence, Effluence
Words without meaning

Lurk in the shadows
And hovels of ambition
Creep onto the page

But the mind embraced
In a blanket of obscurity
Cannot find their worth

Her Mellifluous song
Ensorcelled her lover
Bliss in limerence

How can the stagnant
Heart waltz with stars, write of love,
Beat in unison?

How can the lifeless
Soul connect with humanity?

*My words are worthless

wreaths:

hand in my lap
back to the precious fears we thought we stored so far from here
grit my teeth punch the wreath
it falls and leaves scatter across the floor
i wonder if this is a metaphor
i smirk and slam the door as more begins to fall, it is leaves galore
get a broom to sweep the mess when suddenly i must confess
its too much of a hassle to rearrange the disengaged
let it fend for itself, not much to do for such state of health
not even a reboot could contribute
gems and jewels, they too shall be tools
for the wealthy doesn't feel such grief as do these cheap wreaths attached upon a staple-piece that was never meant to be combined, we all will know it in time.