I knew before I knew

I knew I had to know

I have to know you

Its so true

I don’t know you but

Oh I have to

yeah I want to have you



Do you remember

You were right beside me

I didn’t see you

But now I need to

Because I felt you



Summer holds no warmth

Winter is just a ***** white

There’s nothing pure without you

I don’t know happy

Without you next to me


I knew before I knew

I knew I had to know

I have to know you

I never saw a smile like that

I never knew truth

Until I felt you



It wasn’t physical no

Human hands don’t touch feathers

What if you never flew again

My existence is basic sin



But how i want to know you

To know how you were

Right beside me

Smiling

I want to know

How I see you

How I see you now

How did I ever notice anything else



Spring is just a month

In between the moments before

You’re away from me



Do you remember that fall

You were next to me

How did you not see

My eyes on you

I just wanted to know you

No

I wanted you



I wanted to know

Know your dreams

And everything

You think about

In between

The seconds you give me



And knowing what I know

Wondering what I don’t

It taunts me

Keeps me up late

Keeps me awake

I know I need to know

I have to

Are you awake

Wanting too?

I am weak
And when they ask me
What has made you this way?
I will only whisper your name

Your smiles
Laughs
Eyes
And arms
Have made me weak

I long to hold your hand within mine
And to caress your hair under my fingertips
To see your smile brilliantly flash in my direction
And to feel your breath intertwine with me
Our hearts beating in synchronization

You have made me weak

I used to stand strong
On my own
Indestructible

I left you
In an act of defiance against my own heart
To prove to my own self
That I would not be a fool again
I would heed the warnings
And listen

But
I am broken

The hand that would hold yours
Aches painfully

My fingertips bleed
With my carelessness

My smile has disappeared

My breath is stuck in my throat
Choking on words I want to say

My heart is shattered
By my own hand
That wields a dagger
Carved from my own bone

Every ounce of strength I possess
Is used to stay away from you

You have taken so much from me
My happiness
My strength
My appetite
My peace
My future
My soul

I walk around my own home like a ghost
Haunting the walls
A shell of the woman I used to be
Only occupied by a pathetic creature

One that only takes up space
One that only ignores what is painfully obvious
And one that can’t seem to let you go

What am I doing?
Why can’t I let you go?

My hair is falling out
My skin is losing its color
My smile is losing its brilliance
My laughter is forced

Why have you made me this way?

I need you
And you have made me too weak to get you

Crown the light
Your eyes so bright
Ocean blue
Take me to you

Whisper alone
Into a black hole
Love me now
A candles flicker

Slow down me
I wish to die
To lay in fields of gray
Under the milky way
Take me, take me away
-e.s.

I don't know where you are
But I remember where you were
When you first touched me
Not leaving a mark on my skin
But a tattoo on my brain
I don't think I'll ever forget
How I could sense you from a mile away
The way you would crawl into bed
How you held me in your sleep
Instead of dreaming
Because we never had to dream
Our dreams were reality
Our reality
Like a movie
Each day was like a different frame
Our life was seamless
A perfect blending of happiness
Not even Scorsese could direct
Words turned to actions
And questions turned into promises
In the forms of affection and in rings
And rolling the windows down in the car
Because you liked the way my hair looked in the gust
I remember everything
Every memory
Every touch
Like stains on a white blouse I will never get out
You stained my skin
You changed my whole being


I don't think I could ever deny what we had
What we could have
Or what we were
Though you hurt me in more ways than one
I don't think i will ever get that tattoo removed
Because I will never regret loving you
And I never want you off my mind

My days are busy with pretending
To be normal,
But my evenings, my love,
They're filled with either liquor
Or wanting you
So much,
So much...


-- Eleanor

This written from a dead soul inside a living body
A body that looks healthy
Feet that could walk a mile
Hands soft to touch but looked rough on the outside
A heart as big and open as a hollowed out tree
Shoulders that could hold millions of tears or the weight of the world
A face that looks happy
A smile that people won't forget
Eyes that are the key to the heart
A brain bigger and smarter than anything on this earth
Hair that flowed with the winds, howling silence
When in reality
A body that's dying
Feet that we're gonna fall off
Hands that were covering the face every night
Her heart is surrounded by an unbreakable barrier
Shoulders that would ache
A red face that was sad everyday and night
A smile that would turn to a frown
Eyes that could cry the Pacific Ocean  
A brain that couldn't comprehend things said to her
Hair that was pulled out piece by piece

What was it?
How could she look so good on the outside but horrible on the inside?
Was it because of people and their judge mouths?
Was it because of people who couldn't keep their opinions to themselves ?
Was it the people who knew how to love but never did?
Was it the people who told her to physically commit suicide
It was the people who said She wasn't worth it
It was the people who said she would never have someone
It was the people who had something to say about her everyday
It's was the people who said or acted like they loved her but in reality just loved her for her brain
It was love that came knocking at her door but would disappear when she got to the door
It was the people what knocked her down time and time again
She had no time to get up
She had no time to think
She had no time to fix all of her mistakes
She had to time to turn into someone else

Where is she know?
She's still in that living body
She's still crying an ocean
She is still hiding
She is still guarding her soul and heart
She is still dying
She is still trying
But those eyes that contained the ocean,is running dry
The brain is growing smaller
The body is giving up
The shoulders are weak
The hands are broken and can't fight anymore
The walls that once guarded her heart are still there, but there's no heart beating within the wall
The smile is gone
Her eyes all dried up and tired of trying
All that's left is the living and the dead soul
And soon she doesn't even thing a living body will be there either
But ask yourself, is there truly a living body if the soul isn't alive?

Needing more
               and more
                       and more

The craving that never seizes
                 just wanting more
Waiting, wanting, needing
               more                   more                     more

pacing back and forth
                                 back and forth

The need for so many things,
           wanting to cry out
for just the taste of that one thing
                      that gets your blood pumping.
         more                       more             back and forth                         more

Can be so many things
       have different meanings for so many people.

All we need is the satisfaction that will put out the need for our addiction

you dont love me now
and i know, and i feel it
and dear God, it hurts