4 bricks in a line on the floor
in case someone dared to knock at this door
shadows underneath come and go
but it won't be me they get to know
10 bricks now for added protection
a sign reads "leave, please no affection"
comfort here in the shade
"go away i'm not here, leave" i prayed
20 bricks and counting to avoid the foreseen
I learnt how to build at the age of sixteen
this is not the first, i've been here three times
fallen head first for emotional crimes
and i wonder why i can't muster the trust
when consistence and kindness has been my gold dust
and always when I need them the most
I’ll run, I’ll hide and become like the ghost
all because the notion of security
has become somewhat of a peculiar obscurity
7 seconds to put up all the defences
and here I’ll sit with the everlasting consequences
crying out at my own reflection
“here we are, did it again, severed an incandescent connection”
how can I change when this has been all I know
this version of love had been taught long ago
if not filled with rage and sordid behaviour
cut all ties, sabotage, this can’t be my saviour
and the reason I feel like I need to be saved
is I’ve danced too long with the morally depraved
who treated me well with sweet degradation
and made me believe in self deprecation
so these walls, after all, are for me and not you
quietly hoping you have the tools to break through

And then he said,
in an almost whisper,
‘is this where you start to drift away?’

I could feel
the swelling of emotions
in my throat
and the heat of my tears forming
as I replied ‘no’.

My heart hurt because he knew me so well.
He knew I pushed away
when I was hurt by someone.
This man who knew my soul and loved it.
Knew.
He knew exactly what I would do.
And that is what I did.

This time
it was away
from him.