I'm trapped.
Trapped like a rat.
And he is the house cat.
We live in New York,
which is to say,
we live in chaos.
We like to dream big,
but we don't follow through.
Afterall, a cat will attack a rat because it's a rat.
The way of our world.
A beautiful hurricane of a vicious cycle.
When it rains,
it pours.
You and I are a perfect example of no pain, no gain
but the gain is really so miniscule that this game,
Mr. Cat,
seems like there is truly no glory in winning.
A rat can try to run from a cat, and very few escape.
If I could evade the cat and leave New York...
I have the time to contemplate...
Could there be a better existence in which I am a) not being chased, attacked, or trapped by a cat, and b) free of the noise and chaos of New York?
I have been in this corner for awhile now.
His patience is everlasting.
He guards the safest escape route.
Cat's are smart.
There is, however, a crack in the wall.
But it would be a tremendous fall.
A chance, perhaps, this rat could scale the brick wall of the apartment building,
down 10 floors to the alley and scurry scurry scurry far far far away.
Wait.
He is...retreating?
Is this a trick?
No, it seems I've bored this tired, old house cat!
This is my chance to leave, lickety-split
out through the hole behind the welcome mat,
that rests against the south wall.
I peak my head out of the crevice -
there seems to be no cat.
I run. Scurry scurry scurry.
Hurry hurry hurry.
Too late. It was a smarter trap.
Retreat! Retreat!
His teeth sink into my hind leg.
I squeak, I thrash. I poke him in the eyes with my sharp nails.
He releases me and I hobble scurry to the crack.
The cat is attacking the wall.
Furious.
Next time, he won't allow me to fight back.
There is no point in staying here, afterall.
I will take my chances on the wall.
Out the hole, brick edge by brick edge I cling and claw my way down.
....
I made it.
...this is a free rat.
There is no cat.
There is still noise, anger, people everywhere;
shouting.
This is not where this rat wants to be, either.
Out of New York.
That's what is desired.
The cat has left me with wounds,
and memories of torture.
I will go, and heal, over many of moons,
and find peace in my future.
Run and run and free free free.
So it wants, so it has done, so it will be.

That is the thing about pain;
It demands to be felt.

I heard your name today.
It sent shameful chills down my spine.
How can something so full of life feel so cold.

I thought about you a little bit after.
It made me smile.
I could feel each laughing memory on my lips.

I was happy, but it hurt.

I like to only remember the good times,
But I need to remember all the bad to remind myself why.

I never knew a person could make me feel so guilty for their own mistakes,
But you were amazing at it.

I had always been one to stand up for myself until I met you.
Never had I ever felt so small until I took a stand right next to you.

I can see you in my mind.
You branded yourself and then you left me.
Left me to feel the flames all by myself,
Left me to hear all my demons without a defense,
Left me to ponder every action and every mistake.
Maybe it was all my fault.

No.
It wasn't my fault.
******* for making me think so.
******* for manipulating me,
Making my think you were someone you weren't.
I could blame the monsters in my head,
but you were the real monster.

You are the evil that entered me.
You are the drug you encouraged me to take.
You are the hysteria I let myself travel with.

Every once in a while, you'll run through my head again.
Your witless face burned right into my brain.
Your ice cold eyes like knives.

I gave you everything I had-
Aside from everything you'd already taken.
Saying you repulse me can't sum it up.

You ruined me.
You took away the one thing I had that was mine to keep.
You undoubtedly destroyed me and it doesn't even faze you.
You had absolutely no problem going after anything that would give you the slightest bit of attention,
Even when I wanted to give you the world.

Your disgusting hands touched my skin.
Your scandalous smile made me happy.
But for God's sake, if I had known then what I know now I never would have let you coast into my life.
I would have locked the door and stood ready to fire.

One day, I will have skin that you have never touched.
One day, I will have lips that you have never kissed.
One day, I will have a mind that you have never entered.
One day, I will truly be able to say I walked away and never looked back.

Why is life always about you?
why is everything always about you?
can you not accept that others are alive?
can you not accept that others have feelings too?

Not everyone is out to get you
not everyone is out to lie to you
or cheat you or what the hell ever!

If I have a headache,
you likely have one that's worse
if I stub my toe
yours is likely to be amputated

why in the hell does it always have to be about YOU?
can you not, for once, let the sun shine over my head
let it shine over others' heads?
and for once let them have their own moment
without you ******* on it!