I've smiled a long time
a habit i guess...

smiling isn't all that great
smiles are almost always fake

i've often wondered:
"why is it abnormal to be sad?"

when can we stop smiling
and not be treated as sick

You never see the beauty in the ugly thing staring you in the face, whether it be what you see in the mirror, or the thing that you hold in your hands to end it all.
The metal of the gun; shiny, sparkly, ready to please whomever fires.
The strands of the rope; strong, reliant.
The grain of the pills; slipping you into your permanent dream.
Or the face that you and many others see.
Different to whoever looks at you.
Maybe to some beautiful, wise and pure.
But to you, a monster, never pleased and never pleasing.
You will choose to never see the beauty in you but in the others.
Because you see the world as art.
And you as the starving artist whose career never took off.

Curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor I never could've imagined myself putting on such a per-form-ance.
Tears smothering my face as I hide it beneath my own hands I'm blinded, no one truly will ever understand my feelings and that kills me for some unpleasant reason to be understood is what I'm needing.
Tell me why are we humans so arrogant and selfish at times? In the end we all do what we truly want there is no one out there who surrenders for love not even the most dedicated of love birds would do such an exquisite task. Because truthfully we're all wearing a mask.
*or at least that's what we want you to believe.

Melancholies of the mind
Troubles of the heart
Misery that darkens the soul
Pain that consumes the beauty of the day
Sadness that alters the mask

A persistent ill that lingers undeterred
A vulture to take prey of a weakened man
Locked in a dark room
A prison with neither window nor wall
Gloom and weeping the menu for the day

Troubles of this life never-ending
Each new day bears its own demons
Smiles replaced by tears
The laughter of children by the groaning of men
Visions of joy only for the sweetest dream

The day passes fighting a ferocious dog
That is set and locked its jaws
The pain and sadness who can withstand
It fades the hope in men
The strongest soul cannot resist

A pill for this aching soul
A remedy for this life of distress
A drink from a river of smiles
A day full of sunshine's embrace
A joyous life my heart desires
A hope that will linger on

This isn't me anymore.
These limbs, this body, all broken, all useless,
know not of my life nor how I live.
These lungs don't know my breath or the way it sounds to lose it.
I don't want to be reduced to this waste of blood and dust.
The scars across my hips exist to prove myself separate,
If the body bleeds it cannot possibly be mine.

I am goddess, I am infinite,
I exist in the sound of fireworks shooting off long past the 4th of July,
Loud, wild, and constant.
The 4th star from the moon is where my soul lives,
especially on the days that I cannot bear to see this planet's sin.
They forget that I don't belong here.

My teeth are made of sparklers and the fire I speak when angry makes you think me beautiful the way I crackle and glow.
I am cracking, and the dull color of my own demise is stealing the beauty from my skin.
The way they speak to me, like I am eggshell, so white; too pure for this life, leads me to believe that I cannot stay here.

I am fragile and strong all at once; nobody knows which side of me to rely on for fear of being the reason I crumble.
I am crumbling.
I fear that there is no cookie-sweet deliciousness to distract from this decay, yet no one seems to notice me.

I am as trapped as I am free.
Earth the place I can no longer be.
This nonexistent existence is my skeleton key.
Death my locked-door opportunity.

So I'm drowning and suffocating
And may not make it through
But I paint a smile for the world
You tell me to see the happiness
It's all okay
You tell me there's gotta be something positive
To make of it all
That's no lie, I can tell it's true
Trouble is, my mind doesn't care
Try what I do
But my mind ain't one to smile
Or yield with ease
So I know I'll be okay
Somehow see life through
But for now I'm simply smiling
Because no one loves an unhappy girl

It's very suffocating to be around people that don't plan on doing anything in life and seem to be content with the way their life has settled while all I need is that feeling of content that I can't ever seem to reach, especially not when i'm stuck in the same place, with the same people for the past years.

I understand why everyone is always so angry all the time
But at the same time, it baffles me
There is war, crime, hatred against people
People who are all the same
We were all created from an explosion in the sky
We live on a floating planet, sustainable enough to provide just for us
Yet, we hate each other
We hate each other because we are different
Our skin is different
Our language is different
Our culture is different
Our minds are different
Our bodies are different
Our lives are different
We are different
And no one is happy
Everyone goes to school, works, grows up believing lies, see’s the truth, hates the world, works a little more, and then dies
Never experiencing happiness
Never knowing equality
The tree’s are alive
The wind is calling your name
It’s up to you to end the hatred,
To change the world,
To experience,
To live.