I’m brave,
I go to that prison
Knowing I’ll get beaten
It’s my decision,
To wake up in the morning
Damp eyes and busted lip
Warning,
Don’t look at my eyes
Deep pain lives there
My disguise,
A smile on my face
Words that spit lies
Just in case,
Take away the meds
Take away the knife
Make sure I get out of bed.

Leaving or distancing was never a problem,
Nobody really knows how my life goes and I’m proud of it to be honest.
I’ve been feeling really careless lately,
People keep spreading things that are wrong,
It gets me upset and somehow I always get impacted from it.
It’s like I shut down,
Friends or not,
I take certain things to heart.
Whether you meant it in a nice or bad way,
I’ve just not been thinking right quite frankly,
Pressures on to do well and succeed,
But what’s the point of trying if no one’s ever going to see?
Yeah that’s my scattered mindset,
Having faith for adversities to fade away,
But they never do,
Yeah I’m dealing with things I don’t really want to,
But I guess I got to put up with it.
Cope mechanism is shutting down, placing people as far as possible,
Not really expressing my feelings toward the stuff that terribly effect me,
And yet, I still pretend like it’s okay,
I’ll smile in your face,
Make you think I’m doing all fine without another .
My feelings are just way too strong,
I can’t help from liking you,
However, I never meant to make things the way they currently are,
Mentions are getting spurred rapidly,
Those sayings were never stated directly,
We didn’t even get to discuss our predictament.
But, these things tend to get disregarded,
You leave me,
Feeling this sort of way,
Then, try to come back.
I’m tired of putting up,
I’m all in my head

The hardest thing is not finding yourself
It is when you find yourself and you aren't happy

I'd rather fall

in Love,

     with your

Scars.

Than fall

    in love

           with your Smile.

Bella was young, Bella was fair
With bilious green eyes and velvet hair
Her face a work of art
Made her creator's eyes squint and fall apart
Bella never let my filthy tongue near her silent heart.

My Bella, she loved nothing more
Than to be a sled one had to grind
Through a desert of white, a sea of ice
He pulled her all over frozen fields, past the last of crystal trees
And then he hid her in the glistering white of nature's eyeball.

For my Bella, I'd always find time to mourn
Addicted to hazy cigar heat and first-degree burns
But dreaded thoughts of her lovely chest freezing to death
Ultimately sent me on the pointless quest
Of searching for Bella in her icy mess.

Bella never saw the dozens of dead dogs
I had to leave by the wayside
She turned to me at the end of this cruel ride
And said: 'George, be careful what you preach
You might be feel cold, but I don't
'Round here, you're looking at nature's peach
And for me, it's right by the beach!'

if you accidentally wander into my mind
you’ll find yourself faced with many
strange arrangements and patterns

there are thoughts dressed in silk
and ideas coated in gold

there are words dipped in honey
and emotions sprinkled with turmoil

there are nerves covered in sadness
and smiles sheltering angry scowls

if you accidentally wander into my mind
you’ll find yourself asking this question

am i happy?

Have you ever held someone for the last time?

But not physically.

Have you held the thoughts, the memories, the love, the pain, the vulnerabilities, the pictures, the songs, the texts and secrets of someone for the very last time..?



I have.





Have you ever told a lie that held some truth?

But not completely mean it.

Have you ever told someone that you're okay, when you're depressed, miserable, and completely torn apart. But yet in some twisted, and sick way you are okay. Because unhappiness is all you've ever known...?



I have.






Have you ever broken someones heart?

But didn't regret it.

Have you ever put your heart on the line for someone you value above and over anyone and anything in this world, but broke your own heart in the process because what was best for them, wasn't best for you..?



I have.



Have you ever wanted to just not feel anymore?

But you're in love with pain.

Have you ever just wanted to take a bottle of pills, or walk out in front of a moving car just because, life is too hard. You don't want to be alive anymore but yet, in all the chaos, you find peace in your misery because out of everything that never stays. Out of everything that changes and altars, it's always been there for you. To wrap you up in a blanket of depression and tuck a pillow of anxiety under your head. While singing a song of your worst fears as you close your eyes and drift into a second reality filled with the monsters in your head.

I have.


Have you ever fallen in love..?

But not in reality.

Have you ever fallen in love with the imagination of something that you know you'll never reach, touch, hold, find, or ever see. Have you ever fallen in love with the pictures the demons in your head paint? Have you ever written down how you feel into a million tiny words then set fire to them and watch them go up in smoke much like your efforts, and possibly entire life..?

I have.