if you accidentally wander into my mind
you’ll find yourself faced with many
strange arrangements and patterns

there are thoughts dressed in silk
and ideas coated in gold

there are words dipped in honey
and emotions sprinkled with turmoil

there are nerves covered in sadness
and smiles sheltering angry scowls

if you accidentally wander into my mind
you’ll find yourself asking this question

am i happy?

Have you ever held someone for the last time?

But not physically.

Have you held the thoughts, the memories, the love, the pain, the vulnerabilities, the pictures, the songs, the texts and secrets of someone for the very last time..?



I have.





Have you ever told a lie that held some truth?

But not completely mean it.

Have you ever told someone that you're okay, when you're depressed, miserable, and completely torn apart. But yet in some twisted, and sick way you are okay. Because unhappiness is all you've ever known...?



I have.






Have you ever broken someones heart?

But didn't regret it.

Have you ever put your heart on the line for someone you value above and over anyone and anything in this world, but broke your own heart in the process because what was best for them, wasn't best for you..?



I have.



Have you ever wanted to just not feel anymore?

But you're in love with pain.

Have you ever just wanted to take a bottle of pills, or walk out in front of a moving car just because, life is too hard. You don't want to be alive anymore but yet, in all the chaos, you find peace in your misery because out of everything that never stays. Out of everything that changes and altars, it's always been there for you. To wrap you up in a blanket of depression and tuck a pillow of anxiety under your head. While singing a song of your worst fears as you close your eyes and drift into a second reality filled with the monsters in your head.

I have.


Have you ever fallen in love..?

But not in reality.

Have you ever fallen in love with the imagination of something that you know you'll never reach, touch, hold, find, or ever see. Have you ever fallen in love with the pictures the demons in your head paint? Have you ever written down how you feel into a million tiny words then set fire to them and watch them go up in smoke much like your efforts, and possibly entire life..?

I have.

“It’s just a bad day.” well lately I’ve had lots of those.
And just like the sun, my happiness comes and goes.
behind the clouds, and out of my sight.  
The sky turns grey, and fades to night.
there are no stars in my sky.
I have no motive to try,
I’m a ******* mess, that, I can’t deny.
I wish I could run, anywhere but here, I want to leave it all behind, and completely disappear.
Never look back at the people or places.
I think I need to see some new fresh faces.
my life is a drag, I feel so alone.
I haven’t left my bed in days, no body calls my phone.
I can’t keep living this way, I’m forced to fight this on my own.
The ache wont cease, It’s attached to me,
Like a parasite, a disease.
I need it to leave, I’m on my knees praying, please.
I feel like I don’t have a single friend in the world.
But I’m a liar and a failure, what do I deserve?
The days may be dreadful, but the nights are much worse, it’s like all unpleasant thoughts seem to immerse.
I sit by the window, staring up at the sky, the stars, they amaze me, they always leave me mystified.
I cry to the moon, he listens so well.
I told him all about this living hell.
He knows how I feel, and how my day went, I read him all my poems,
I describe what I dreamt.
But he’s not always there, some nights he disappears
Behind the trees, or away from me,
That’s when the nights are the most lonely.
I know I sound insane, completely deranged, but we all get a little crazy when emotionally drained.
The sadness lives within, it runs through our veins, it’s stuck in our heads, and that’s where it remains.
I feel like I’m trapped, no escape from myself, I’ve never been this low, there’s no way out.
I’ve seen brighter days,
So I know that they’re real.
So I’ll keep searching for the light, despite how I feel.

I haven’t been feeling good lately.

I don’t want to draw, I don’t want to write,

My room is messy.

My feelings for my ex who could so easily be mine again are

Cold.

My feelings for my professor, who I felt so much for, draw

Cold.

I guess I cannot function without love driving me to madness.

Even my old love for fictional characters, just anything to fill that void,

Gone.

I keep telling myself that I have to lose these last 15 lbs

But without love, nothing drives me.

Music too, I don’t want to listen to anything,

I was dancing myself into great moods last week,

In front of the mirror.

Where did that go?

Nothing tastes all that great either.

And maybe, my dreams have pushed their way into the forefront of my mind.

But it is difficult to lay in bed awake, with my eyes shut, fantasizing about starring on SNL.

That would not come as easy as running different scenarios between my professor and I does.

Not to mention my dreams are multifaceted.

I want to be a singer, an actress, a comedian.

So many possibilities.

I can’t focus on one.

I have no one to idolize but myself, yet that is difficult to do when no one likes me.

I knew becoming single wouldn’t change anything.

That I’d still go unnoticed, but one small part of me had rather hoped that I might get some attention from any guy I found relatively attractive.

But no, the answer is always no, and yet I don’t have terrible self-esteem.

I am fully aware that I am quite attractive, especially when I try.

Long, thick, ***** blonde waves surround my face and reach down to my waist.

Cat-like blue eyes with green in their center.

Pronounced cheekbones.

Triple Ds.

I’d say I stand out well among other girls, even though I hate my smile.

Yet I get nothing, and I’m not the type to sit around and wait to get approached.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I was willing to confess to my professor for God’s sake.

And those aren’t just words I assure you.

But in my experience, men don’t like forward women, nor do they like funny women, or confident women.

I can’t win, whether I speak up, or keep it to myself.

I feel like I’ll never have true reign over my own life.

I guess through writing this, I’ve discovered what’s really bothering me.

This is why I’m unhappy right now.

But I’m sure it must be this way for many other people.

Who feel as though no one ever likes them, and they can’t figure out why.

I lost 20 lbs last semester.

I get all As.

I got my license after waiting forever and feeling worthless without it.

I know I have so much to be proud of.

But I don’t care, this life isn’t worth living if I don’t feel fulfilled.

And my heart speaks the loudest.

My heart has the final say.

My heart has treated me to the most powerful happiness I’ve ever felt.

And that came from love.

Something I have no control over.

So, I guess it’s going to be a dry spell for a while.

And that’s the way it works.

roses are not red and violets are not blue
just unlucky to how I met you
a day of love and despair
a day of annoyance and how love isn't fair
hurtful words written in my mind
because I couldn't bring myself to buy a card I liked
overpriced chocolate and overpriced dates
expecting so much for just one day
disappointment at the end, that isn't me

I am depressed, someone who fakes happiness
I wonder what it feels like to not be depressed
I hear my crying
I see my tears
I want to be okay
I am depressed, someone who fakes happiness

I pretend to be happy
I feel my hands shaking
I touch my legs as I am curled up in a ball, while my knees touch my chest
I worry that I can’t stop crying
I cry for no reason
I am depressed, someone who fakes happiness

I understand that I shouldn’t be
I say that I’m okay when I’m not
I dream to be okay
I try to be happy
I hope that I can be okay
I am depressed, someone who fakes happiness

i am...

A-bstractly addicted to absolute abuse
B-y basketcase boys with nothing better to be
C-autious when I caught chaos
D-riving me delutional day by day
E-ven when everyone echoed into my ear
F-uck this familiar fatal feeling
G-oing after guilty guys
H-ardly having healthy habits
I-njuring my inner innocence
J-ustifying jaded *******
K-indly killing all
L-ackluster lovers so they dont
M-ention me making mistakes
N-ever not nervous
O-ver obsolete oblivion
P-inky promising people to stay
Q-uietly questioning my
R-eason to resolve all emoitions ripping right from my
S-tomach snaking their way to satisfaction
T-hrough tounges I never even wanted to taste
U-nable to grasp unhappiness
V-isiously turning up the volume
W-aiting for any kind of wasted warmth
X-eric eyes
Y-et again teary
Z-oning through endless time

until i'm right back where i started...

Unbelievable are the names I have:

Unable
Unworthy
Unfashionable
Unattractive
Unhappy
Unsuite­d
Unwanted
Undesirable
Unbearable
Unlucky
Untalented
Unaware
Unre­liable
Unsettled
Unwilling
Undecided
Unqualified
Unkind
Unknown

­When all I am ever is Unprefixed.